Mr. Marriage Counselor: "My Wife Threatens to Leave if I Don't Change"
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Dec 17, 2009
Q: I am a 43-year-old male, divorced, now married for 8 years, not able to build an intimate relationship with my wife. What you say on your website applies, I am not able to communicate my feelings, recognize my wife's needs. Can't move relationship to the next level. Wife (rightfully) threatens to leave if I don't change some behavior. I've seen "conventional" counselors which were intellectually stimulating but did not make me change... Help would be appreciated. Thx,
--Neil B.
A: I appreciate and admire your willingness to see that there may be some legitimacy to your wife's complaints and your need to change. Sadly, many of us guys trip ourselves up by only seeing what our wife needs to change and missing the opportunity we have to make things better by doing some things differently ourselves.
You're in a common situation for a lot of couples -- can't build an intimate relationship. You've also got a common problem for a lot of guys -- not able to communicate your feelings or recognize your wife's needs.
First, you need to retrain your brain to work on an emotional level. Many of us men are very successful problem solvers but poor emotional connectors. Our analytical minds work well professionally, but often undermine our personal relationships. Second, you need to learn how to understand your wife and anticipate her needs.
As you've experienced, "conventional" marriage counselors haven't worked. My marriage counseling for men is more direct and focuses on teaching men these skills. They can be learned. I had to learn them. Guys with successful marriages have learned them. You can too.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor