Is there No Intimacy In Your Marriage? Find out what you can do about Lack of Marriage Intimacy.
Part 2 of 3
Marriage failing can hit any of us. In the last article, Marriage Troubles, we began looking at the failing marriage of Command Sgt. Maj. Chris Faris and his wife, Lisa, for examples of what marriage failing looks like.
When a marriage is failing, there are some typical signs and patterns.The Faris' story can be the story of anyone with a marriage failing. As in the last article, I'll share an excerpt from the USA Today story on the Faris' (military marriages failing) and then my insights.
Immersed in the heart of the war effort in Iraq and Afghanistan -- in a world where special operators went out every night to capture or kill al-Qaeda fighters -- Chris says his alienation from his family was nearly complete, as war consumed him.
Faris' work was war. The war, and his work in it, consumed him -- just like work consumes so many other men. There are many reasons why men get too wrapped up in their work, but the bottom line is that an over focus on work destroys marriages (and families) and can be one of the reasons a marriage is failing.
When he was home, he found himself studying his watch when he knew nightly missions were underway in Iraq. He dreaded phone calls bearing dire news from the front. And he would personally handle death notifications and the withering reaction of families in shock, witnessing "the most blood-curdling screams you'll ever hear," Chris says. "I'm coming home and I'm angry and I'm pensive and I'm tense."
Wives and kids regularly tell me that their husbands and fathers are often preoccupied with their cell phones and the work distractions that come through them when they're at home. Faris' description, "I'm angry and I'm pensive and I'm tense," describes many men too, and the affect their work has on them and how they bring it home.
At this moment of critical mass in his marriage, Chris says, he walked into the dining room where his wife and daughters were at the table discussing American Idol one evening, and he exploded:
Shut the (expletive) up. What is wrong with you? Have you no concept of what is important in the world? Do you know what's going on? The three of you disgust me."
Chris pauses in his telling of this, allowing the words sink in.
"It was a full-on rage," he adds finally. "And I felt completely justified."
"When that happened," Lisa says, "we were so far gone. … Any bit of drive that I had to make it work -- it was like he killed it."
It's just this kind of explosive incident that drives men into seeking anger management classes from Guy Stuff. Men's anger typically comes from many sources, and many of them understandable, just like Faris' did, but the anger often comes out in such destructive ways that it can only be seen as wrong. In a failing marriage wives often also reach the point that Lisa describes where they're just emotionally dead and done with the marriage.
A common weakness in a failing marriage is the lack of ways that the marriage relationship is protected from the destructive influences we all face from the outside world. The Faris' experience of the affects of war at work, and at home, is a great example.
In the last article, we’ll see the rest of the Faris’ story and what they did about their marriage failing. Be sure to read the first article on their marriage troubles to see some common patterns.
Got a marriage failing, or know someone with one? Check out some of the marriage problems Guy Stuff solves.
Is there No Intimacy In Your Marriage? Find out what you can do about Lack of Marriage Intimacy.
Money conversations have a way of going sideways fast, especially in a relationship, learn how to navigate it here.
It starts with something small – a late bill, an argument over groceries, a home repair, even kids’ school supplies.
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I want to say thanks to Ancient benin shrine for everything so far. To everyone who doesn’t
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I want to know how to win my husbands heart back? We have been together for over 7 years, he has done & said things to hurt me & I have held onto that pain, I have been mean... & have not put him first because of this. We have a family together & don't want to lose it. We have talked about some stuff & we both want to, at least give it a try. How do we proceed? How can we not fight about the little things? Over the years all we do is seem to get angry at each other over little things.. I think it comes from both of us hurting each other through actions and words... I love him & don't want to lose him. What can we do? I would like to also add that we can not afford to go to a therapist, so any advice is greatly appreciated, thank you.
Danielle, I answered your questions on the other post. -Kurt
We went to some parks today. Thought it would be good to get away. And ended up sleeping in a rest area.
There alone in the dark car in our sleeping bags we talked.
Really talked. I got all dressed up last week and we were together twice in a really special way. First thing he said was he was sure about separating... and then we had such a nice time... well it affected him I think. At least gave him pause. For a moment..
Then he told me that I 'hurt him'. That I told him he was a failure. Well that is amazing actually since I just spent 40 minutes last week telling him I felt he was my hero. That he had been the best example of a male I had ever had in my life. I have certainly said his behavior was not loving nor respectful as of late. But I never ever felt he was a failure. Yet, he has created this storyline of me (staring as the villian) and now he runs with it. Seems like it is meant to justify his intent to destroy our 20 year marriage.
Today I hit rock bottom.
My husband is still here. But it is falling apart. He wants a separation. And today while we were talking laying on the couch he actually told me 'I could love him from afar'.... or that I could 'love him on Saturday.'
Naturally this threw me over the top. I cried. And yelled. Then he tried to tell me it was a joke. Does anyone here find that funny? In any way shape or form?
How can love turn so fast? Two weeks ago I asked him in the car, 'are we okay?' Told me 'yes, we just have some issues.' And now the world as I knew it and have been living it, is dust.
Told me today he is done with our counselor as well. Will be interesting to see if he shows up.
Lee
I am also into counseling with my wife. 1st week. Have you read any of the articles on this sight? I am amazed at how similar other peoples relationship troubles mirror mine. My separation went from a week on vacation to separation 2 miles from my home on the return trip. I can understand these things can accelerate quicker than we can keep up.
I am also guilty of sarcasm. But, I think your husband's comments of "loving him afar" or "on Saturday" beats mine. I do not find it funny at all. Sounds like you are like me and need to be hit over the head that this will be better when I move on.
Hello Don
Thanks for your response. I have read all the articles on Kurt's website. Makes me wonder what is going on when so many people of varying situations, ages, and marriage durations are struggling as we all are.
I hear you. The speed at which this situation has unfolded is nightmarish.
We are talking 2 weeks. My life is over as I was living it. I had plans that will never materialize now. Never celebrate his birthday and the holidays... well...
I start the day the same way I end them. Crying my heart out. Wondering what happened in two weeks time.
When he said them words to me: 'I could love him from afar'... 'or on a Saturday it was the realization that my husband was gone figuratively if not literally yet. My mind could not grasp that context because my heart was pounding in my chest so hard. I had never had anyone talk to me like that. It was so very cold
and disrespectful of my love for him.
I have not yelled at him other than to respond or react to something he has said first.
Thank you for your kindness and saying 'it is not funny'. I did not know it was possible to feel pain like this.
I should have known that to feel love like I did I was leaving myself open to feeling pain in the same degree and depth.
This feels like one of them life-defining challenges where you know you are forever changed.
My trust is scarred. My love is ripped open. My belief in the future dimmed without the love of my best friend and love(r)
I can see the similarity between us.I can feel your pain.
So sorry this is happening to you, Don.
I have been getting hit over the head repeatedly the last few months.
The head does not care what the heart feels and vice versa. My head knows what is right My heart is vying for rulership over our love because it doesn't want to give up, or give in, or just accept that I need to give up.
I made a mistake and tried to bully my way back into my home (as she calls it). We have made some progress at reconciliation in the past few weeks. I took the advice from some friends and just told her we were drifting too far apart and we need to continue working on our problems with me at home beside her. That didn't work out too well for me. The cops told her there was no reason for me to leave legally. But, I did anyway when she threatened to leave with the kids (her ace). I got a protection order served and now can't contact her for another two weeks or more after a court date; second time for an order of protection. I still ain't giving up on her. But, maybe the separation is needed. Dosn't help the pains of not being able to try to talk to her though. I am so messed up I can't think of anything but something to say to her that will make this nightmare go away. She quit councelling sessions with me because "I wouldn't take heed to the advice given". She can't even tell me what he said to her.
Don't give up. You will lose hope if you do. Sometimes hope is all I have.
Good Luck!!!
Don