My Husband Isn't Physically Attracted to Me

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5 Min Read

Contents

What To Do When Your Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To You
What Else Can Contribute To Lack Of Physical Attraction?
Takeaways When Your Husband’s Not Physically Attracted To You
What Readers Have To Say (230+)

In a perfect world, one of the pleasures of marriage is an active and enjoyable sex life.

Unfortunately, for a wife who thinks her husband is not physically attracted to her this may not be a reality.

In my marriage counseling practice, I often hear women say,

“My husband is not physically attracted to me,”

and then ask what they can do about it.

This usually goes deeper than simple physical appearance, with many husbands acknowledging that their wives are attractive women, but they still struggle to find themselves attracted to them.

Why?

Below is a question from just such a woman and my response will follow.

What To Do When Your Husband Isn’t Physically Attracted To You

Reader Question:

Help! My husband is not physically attracted to me. We've been married for 9 yrs. We basically got married only cuz I was pregnant. We didn't really love each other then, but I have grown to love him. He says he cares for me, but doesn't love me. Neither of us are happy in the marriage, but we have 3 kids and are willing to 'suffer through' for the kids' sake. However, one aspect that is making it difficult for me to continue is that my husband is not physically attracted to me. We don't have sex. It's been over 3 months since we've been intimate sexually and only then b/c I initiated it and basically forced him to continue.

I think he's just totally turned off by me and it repulses him whenever I approach the subject. It's not just intercourse I miss. It's the touching, like a hand on my shoulder, or even him touching my hair, or ANYTHING! We have tried marriage counseling. We quit going cuz either we can't afford it anymore, or he claims I need to work on 'my problems' before we can work on any marriage problems. I admit I have problems that should be dealt with via counseling, but that is separate. We can work on the marriage at the same time. Any advice?" -Brianna V.

Brianna’s very concerned that her husband isn’t physically attracted to her, but the truth is that’s probably not the biggest issue.

My Answer:

Feeling that your husband’s not physically attracted to you isn’t an uncommon problem. Believe it or not, many spouses, both men and women, are dissatisfied with the amount or quality of sexual intimacy in their marriage.

There can be many reasons, and it's often a combination of factors, not just one. Here are just a few possibilities:

1. Lack of attraction could be a cover-up for another issue that he doesn't want to admit.

Some men feel,

Inadequate sexually
Embarrassed about their appearance
Have sexual performance issues, such as erectile dysfunction.

Rather than admit any of these things, it can be easier to just withdraw from their partner.

2. One of the needs sexual intimacy fulfills is the need to be wanted, desired.

Some men use other things to get this need met besides sex.

In my counseling practice I see guys use,

Work
Online gaming
Social media
Flirting
Affairs
Alcohol

even food to satisfy emotional needs that a partner is meant to help fulfill.

A compounding problem is that many people have poor self-esteem and use their partner's desire for them as a tool for dealing with it.

3. The possible influence of porn can’t be overlooked.

Many wives are either unaware of or ignore their husband’s use of porn. And those who are aware often don't realize the negative affects porn addiction can have on the sexual intimacy in their marriage.

It's possible that your husband’s attraction to you has been affected because he has conditioned his brain to find the images in porn more arousing.

4. Think about the possible reasons you feel "he's just totally turned off by me."

This is a hard one for all of us to do as it requires us to look in the mirror and be honest about ourselves and our behavior.

What about you could be turning him off?

As difficult as this can be to face, you may find some really helpful clues by answering that question honestly.

When you feel like you're being ignored and unloved it's easy to let those frustrations turn into negative behavior that only drives your partner further away.

Frustration
Anger
Resentment

can be expressed as nagging or in the very destructive silent treatment.

So, be careful not to dismiss that there may be areas you can improve upon as well.

Although your husband's comment that you need to work on your "problems" was likely meant to deflect from what he needs to work on, there’s probably some truth in what he said.

The same applies to him as well.

What Else Can Contribute To Lack Of Physical Attraction

It’s clear that Brianna’s marriage got off to a rocky start.

The pressure of a baby spurred them into marriage and as a result there are probably some foundational pieces to their relationship that were missed. And they obviously have external stressors adding to their problems.

Likely among these things are:

Questioning whether the marriage is a good match.

Without the time to build the right kind of bond and develop the ‘spend the rest of our lives together’ feelings, it can be easy for insecurities and doubts about the stability of the relationship to arise. These can lead to physical disinterest.

Stress

Three children and an unstable marriage certainly sounds stressful. A big contributor to lack of physical interest, particularly for men, is stress.

Financial issues

Money problems contribute to stress, but exist in their own category.

The fact they can’t afford additional counseling sessions and yet still have a great deal to work through can be a contributor to diminished physical interest as well.

Takeaways When Your Husband’s Not Physically Attracted To You

Physical attraction is more complicated than simply being attractive. If you're feeling like your husband isn't attracted to you remember these things:

Words, actions, and behavior contribute greatly to attractiveness.
Lack of sexual interest is more than just physical response.
Marital problems contribute heavily to physical intimacy.

Sexual intimacy in marriage is such a common area of heartache, and so many wives can say "my husband is not physically attracted to me." So, if this is you too, you're not alone and it is fixable.

* * This is the first article of two discussing issues regarding when a husband is not physically attracted to his wife and sexual intimacy in marriage. In the second article (What's Attractive To Men?) I share the story of a couple I'm working with in marriage counseling who are also dealing with the same problem of the husband's attraction to his wife. **

Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 24, 2010, updated on December 5, 2017, June 28, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.