"My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted to Me" Mr. Marriage Counselor

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"My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted to Me" Mr. Marriage Counselor

Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Oct 24, 2010

Husband Isn't Physically Attracted To Wife Part 1 of 2

Q: Help! My husband is not physically attracted to me. We've been married for 9 yrs. We basically got married only cuz I was pregnant. We didn't really love each other then, but I have grown to love him. He says he cares for me, but doesn't love me. Neither of us are happy in the marriage, but we have 3 kids and are willing to "suffer through" for the kids' sake. However, one aspect that is making it difficult for me to continue is that my husband is not physically attracted to me. We don't have sex. It's been over 3 months since we've been intimate sexually and only then b/c I initiated it and basically forced him to continue. I think he's just totally turned off by me and it repulses him whenever I approach the subject. It's not just intercourse I miss. It's the touching, like a hand on my shoulder, or even him touching my hair, or ANYTHING! We have tried marriage counseling. We quit going cuz either we can't afford it anymore, or he claims I need to work on "my problems" before we can work on any marriage problems. I admit I have problems that should be dealt with via counseling, but that is separate. We can work on the marriage at the same time. Any advice? -- Brianna V.

A: "My husband is not physically attracted to me." Believe it or not, I hear this from wives pretty regularly. Many spouses, both men and women, are dissatisfied with the amount or quality of sexually intimacy in their marriage.

There can be many reasons, and it's often a combination of them, not just one, that could be causing your husband to say "I'm not physically attracted to my wife." Here are just a couple possibilities:

This statement could be a cover-up for another issue that he doesn't want to admit. Some men feel inadequate sexually, have aspects about their appearance that embarrass them, or have sexual performance issues, such as erectile dysfunction. Rather than admit any of these embarrassing things, it can be easier to blame the attractiveness of their partner.
As you're experiencing, one of the needs sexually intimacy fulfills is the need to be wanted, desired. Some men use other things to get this need met besides sex. In my counseling men I see guys use work, online gaming, FaceBook, flirting, an affair, alcohol, even food to satisfy needs that their spouse is meant to help fulfill (Note that I said "help fulfill." A common problem is that many people have a poor self-identity and use their partner's desire for them to deal with it, which is the wrong solution to this problem).
The possible influence of pornography cannot be overlooked. Many wives are either unaware of or ignore porn, and most don't realize the negative affects porn addiction can have on the sexual intimacy of their marriage. It's possible that your husband doesn't find you attractive because he has conditioned his brain to find the manufactured images in porn arousing, which by the way no one can compete with.

Sexual intimacy in marriage is such a common area of heartache, and so many wives can say "my husband is not physically attracted to me," that I'm going to write another article about this problem. In the upcoming post I'll share the story of a couple I work with in marriage counseling who are also dealing with the problem "my husband is not physically attracted to me."

-- Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor

* This is the first article of two discussing the issues of when a husband is not physically attracted to his wife and sexual intimacy in marriage. In the second article I'll share the story of a couple I work with in marriage counseling who are also dealing with the problem "my husband is not physically attracted to me." Be sure to Sign-up for our Counseling Men Blog on the right and don't miss the next article.

Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up for Our Blog on the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.

Tags: Marriage Problems, Relationship Advice, Sexual Problems, Understanding Men

Comments

My husband does not touch me.I give him blow jobs which he enjoys but not return the pleasure. he does no fondle my breast or feel my vaginal area.I think he may not be into women. he pays me no interest but gets intersested when he gets touched. He was too tired for sex on on honeymoon niet. help me please

Posted @ Monday, January 17, 2011 11:50 PM by julie Raybon

i feel ur pain! i am having hte same problem, maybe worse! i have to ask my hubby for a hug or kiss and even then its just a peck, not a REAL kiss. we hardly ever have sex. and he actually turns down bj's! who knew that was possible!? before i met him i was the one constantly turning down sex, im just not used to this and feel so rejected and hurt.

Posted @ Monday, January 24, 2011 4:11 PM by Kenya

Im sorry to hear that you arre going through the same thing. Its very painful and dont feel like a woman. I got up the courage and asked him if he just isnt into women or If I just turn him off.He said he is into women and that he doesnt know why we do not connect well for sex. that didnt help!

Posted @ Wednesday, February 16, 2011 12:12 AM by Julie R

I am so sorry for you, it hurts me to read that. I am too in the same boat. But the only difference is I am just 25 and my husband and I have been married for two months. We hardly ever have sex. He claims he loves me but always avoid having sex. Now even if I try to initiate he stops me. He became very stressed at work and I've had a lot of patience understanding his situation. He comes from office have dinner, talk to him mom for an hour and go to sleep. I can’t even explain how terrible I feel. Every day that we don't have sex I feel like I am more unattractive and neglected by him. I have talked to him about it and he says he’s just too tired. He chooses TV or reading rather than making love. Physical affection between us is minimal. I’ve tried everything to kick-start our sex life. He knows how important our sexual relationship is to me and how unhappy I am. But he does nothing to change and I cry myself to sleep most nights. He only says I am overreacting to this. We have a lot of fun together and communicate well about problems. If something bothers me, I tell him and we talk about it openly. In general he is very good to me and I to him. I love him, and my husband is very loving and attentive to me in all other areas. Please help I don’t know what to do.

Posted @ Wednesday, February 16, 2011 3:50 PM by Loma G

Hey ladies...I am in the same boat with my husband of 5 years. He actually told me that he was no longer phsically attracted to me and that made sex hard for him. I've been about 40 lbs overweight since my 2nd child. I was shocked and hurt when he told me, but realized I didn't like the way I look either, so I'm working on getting in shape for ME :-)My husband said it was the hardest thing he ever told me and it may be the same for yours. I feel better already and am making myself happy. If you are in the same boat as me work on you first and if it doesnt help know its not you its him. Good Luck

Posted @ Sunday, February 20, 2011 9:03 PM by sofie

Thank you everyone for sharing. It helps that I am not alone.

Posted @ Monday, March 07, 2011 9:15 PM by Julie R

Ladies, I am in the same problem with my wife, who I love so very much. I am no longer attracted to her. And I really really want to be. I am seeking some help for this to try and resolve. But, let me give you some incite as to how a man thinks. a) except for some scum bags, men are conditioned never to hurt a woman, emotionality and physically. The irony is by not avoiding the admitting of 'attraction' for fear of hurting our partners feelings, we end up hurting them more. b) Ask your man if he is still attracted to other women that he sees and interacts with, and if he wishes he could have intercourse with them. Its a near 100% guarantee the answer is YES! If he says otherwise...see a). The question I ask my self, am I un-natural as a man because of my behavior? Or is Society or religion conforming men to a mold that goes against there natural instincts? I really do not know. The reason I do not seek out an affair and most men agree is we have evolved not so much a sense of right/wrong. But we do the math and understand the financial and emotional consequences of such actions. Which is also why affairs by men are often acts of opportunity. The real question here is...how can marriage adapt to the wiring of mens natural instincts. Maybe thats why husbands love football so much.

Posted @ Friday, May 06, 2011 7:27 AM by Husband

Wow,I didn't know that so many other woman have the same problem as me. Before I got married I couldn't get enough sex with whoever my boyfriend was at the time,including my husband. It seems that we only had sex to have our 3 children. My youngest is now 13 and I can maybe count on 1 hand how many times we have been intimate since he was born. It's been over 2 years now and I cry every night thinking that I will never make love again . I enjoyed it so much that it is really depressing me.

Posted @ Wednesday, June 01, 2011 9:18 PM by Abbe

Finally, I am not alone. I have felt so hurt, lonely, and confused. I have been married just two weeks but together for five years. He is not attracted to me. I have tries everything and now find myself just giving up. I have lost weight, bought lingerie, kama sutra boxes, you name it. We didn't have sex on our honeymoon till our third night, and it was because I woke him up. The next night I came out in lingerie and he wanted to read his car magazine. Sometimes I wonder if he married his best friend instead of someone he is passionate about. I am so thankful that we are so close and friends, but this is taking an enormous toll on my self esteem. He can't even give me compliments but he's the first to criticize me. Please help me!

Posted @ Tuesday, June 07, 2011 12:51 AM by Annie B

Well its been 20 years of marriage for us and for the past 5 years its been down hill ever since. It use to be a time when I was the one who was always to tired as they say. But after I had a hystorectomy (not sure if that's the correct spelling but you know what I mean)I have been wanting my husband to be with me sexually for years, but he can only squeeze in a sexual moment once a month!. But I've been in need much more than that, after my surgery I've been needing it on a daily basis. Now I don't expect an everyday/night thing but I would like it more than once a month. I've talked to my husband about this being a problem for me so many times before, but his excuse is always "the kids always need to come in here for something or you are always being needed by the kids." Bottomline is I'm tired of all the useless excuses. I too was over weight, not a lot but anyone who knew me could see the chunkieness. So at this point I've lost 33lbs and I'm looking rather young and beautiful for a 45 year old woman if I do say so mysself since my husband clearly is'nt saying so! I've had many men ask me out plenty of times and I've rejected them all because I still very much love my man. But if things don't change sooner than later I will have to take a caouple of them up on there offer!

Posted @ Thursday, July 21, 2011 4:39 PM by Jocelyn

Men are visual! Our attraction to a female will always be physical first, so if that part is missing there won't be any continued fireworks.

Now the good news for you ladies is that different guys like different flavours, just look at Prince Charles preference over Lady Diana!

I would love for my wife to approach me and ask "what physical change if I made would make you more attracted to me?". She has totally lost her shape, and sex is a last resort to quench an urge.... Far from making love.

Posted @ Thursday, October 13, 2011 12:02 PM by Guy's perspective

My husband and I have been married 40 plus years and I would say all 40 years have been terrible. We had sex maybe 2 dozen times in the first 10 tears and after that nothing at all. No sex, intimacy, communication is down to 3 word sentences. And he thinks this is married life, we hadn't slept together for the same amount of years. We live in the same home except he has the down stairs and I have the up stairs. He won't get help from a doctor, in his world its roses. I've been lonely, unloved and depressed by all his actions. Now I suppose you would think he might be gay or into porn. I have the only computer a lap top thats always with me and the only telephone in the house. He stays home and has no friends that I'm aware of. We go no where together, some of my friends don't even know I'm married. My life has been pure HELL !!!!

Posted @ Monday, November 28, 2011 1:36 PM by Ann

Hey all. Thank goodness I am not the only one with this problem! My husband and I married one year ago. 2010. We are both 24, and I was heavier when he married me. I weighed 150, now I am 126. He refuses to have sex with me..and has recently told me that he is not attracted to my body. My skin is not loose but I need to tone up(which I am working on)...is our marriage a lost cause sexually..already?!

Posted @ Thursday, December 15, 2011 1:50 AM by elaine

My husband makes me feel neglected and unattractive , but more importantly my dependance on his validation makes me feel pathetic. I have always been wildly independent and living my sexual life on my terms , but I think i gave all that up when I got married expecting him to keep me feeling beauitful and sexy - big mistake. I am taking a stand with myself. I know I dont get more attractive by stewing in sadness , crying constantly, and feeling like crap. So I am excercising so I can look smoking hot, eating well, accomplishing goals that I set forth for myself and this is giving me my confidence back. He has been noticing me , but he is really noticing that I feel awesome weather or not he kisses, touches, has sex with me. Yes, I want him, but I am not willing to degrade myself in my own eyes to get anyones attention because at the end of the day - I have to love me. If he doesn't come around or if we have to callvit quits, at least I will leave feeling that I improved myself during our time together instead of just giving everything that makes me away. Life should be more than livable - it should be a pleasure.

Posted @ Tuesday, December 27, 2011 12:21 PM by Christina P.

Wow, my story in a nutshell. I especially relate to Julie Raybon. My "sex life" with my husband has come down to to me givng him blowjobs but one step farther, while he is watching porn of just naked women show their extreme personals on video. I don't even get undressed he doesn't touch me at all. He just lays there staring at the tv while I am at the foot of the bed kneeing on the floor doing all the work. Lately he has been putting our comforter over his belly so he doesn't even see me. I have not had a penis inside of me since October of 1992 when my daughter was conceived. So pathetic and embarrassing.

Posted @ Wednesday, December 28, 2011 7:17 AM by SueW

Did you consider that he might have an affair? I spend 24 hours a day with my husband because he is working at home, in the first year he was very attracted for me and in the last time he lost interest as I can realize, he doesn't make me compliments anymore but he still wants sex twice a day. I think a man cannot stay without having sex at all so I guess he is cheating on you. I keep my sexual relationship exciting by meeting other couples, doing him lesbian role plays etc. I am bored as well but I don't want him to realize it as I know it might damage our sexual lives. I think is very important to think out of the box and listen your fantasies to keep yourself sexy and attractive. Good luck xx

Posted @ Thursday, January 12, 2012 5:07 AM by Nantia

Married 45 years and only had sex once, that was our wedding night. Since then nothing right up to today. Day after we were married he came home and move his things down in our basement, and started working midnight shift. I didn't even get a kiss when he left for work. Ive been confused, depressed, unwanted, unloved, and all i feel is hate and resentment. Were retired now and I've accepted my life and if I have another life I would like to have kids, be appreciated and loved by someone with a big heart and shoulders to lean on.

Posted @ Sunday, February 05, 2012 12:30 AM by Amy

I have been married three months and I was A virgin before we married. We have only tried sex a few times but my hubby can't keep his penis hard. He has erections in the night and in the mornings. Most mornings he likes me to masturbate him or give him oral sex but even that isn't done right anymore. I tried sexy underwear but he said that don't work either. like most he blames it solely on me. He said we have no chemistry in that way and I have no sex drive which isn't true. I'm up for most things and would like a active sex life apart from just fondling my bits when I ask him to at times. I need caressing and my boobies played with but something is lacking and yes I feel really low about myself at the moment.

Posted @ Thursday, February 23, 2012 3:28 PM by venetia

I feel your pain. I have been married for 12 years, have two kids, and found out last year that my husband had an on-line emotional affair. It began as contact with a woman on a porn site. We've been going to couples counseling for over a year now to try to work things out. We're still working on it. Over the past couple of years the physical intimacy has decreased steadily. I have been doing all of the initiating. He responds and we have sex, but he never initiates it. Just two weeks ago he confessed that he does not find me attractive and has not for a long time. He said that he loves me so much and that he wants our marriage to work, and that he feels stupid that a little thing like physical attraction could get in the way of a marriage that is otherwise "good". It's been rough and continues to be miserable some days, but we have two awesome kids that are worth doing everything we can to try and figure this out so that we can stay together as a family. Don't get me wrong, we won't stay together for the kids, but they certainly make it worth trying as hard as we can. Personally, sex is important to me. And I know that if he's not getting sexual satisfaction with me, he's going to find it elsewhere, whether it be through porn or another woman - let's face it, he is a man. I think physical attraction has something to do with it, but not everything. I am in better physical shape now than I was when we got married. It hurt me that he didn't even seem to notice the change two years ago when I lost 20 lbs. Emotional connection has a lot to do with it - lives get busy, other things take priority and before you know it, you've lost touch with your spouse and lack of attraction is the by-product, not the problem. None the less, it still sucks. I just want him to want me the way he did when we were first together, and I am worried that the spark will never come back. I agree with sofie, the best thing to do is to do things for yourself to make you feel good about who you are - our self worth does not depend on anyone else and it really sucks that our husbands' issues become our burden. Be the woman he fell in love with, the one that had confidence, sass and had fun. You might find that he'll respond positively when it looks like you're not trying so hard to get his approval and attention anymore. That is my goal these days, just to be me. Not always easy, but it works.

Posted @ Tuesday, February 28, 2012 1:18 PM by tami

same thing here, but I caught him doing cyber sex, so there you go! "Awkward" Actually I think it's a hormonal thing. Ever since I went through menopause. Perhaps that thing that has do with pheromones. I out a link. But this seemed to start when I went through my change. Well just something to think about. Mine is definately hooked on porno.

Posted @ Saturday, March 03, 2012 2:09 PM by woo

Thank you to everyone, guys and ladies, for writing and sharing your pain and insights. I'm truly sorry to hear how many of you are deeply hurting and struggling. Although I'm not surprised because I hear it every day. I commend Tami for her courage and perseverance in going to couples counseling, changing herself, and working to be the woman he fell in love with. Good example for everyone wanting to save their relationship and get the love back. -Kurt

Posted @ Tuesday, March 06, 2012 12:52 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

I have been searching everything trying to figure this out. I have been married less than a year, my husband was very attracted to me when we first met, right after we moved in together he just stopped. He is very sweet to me & we get along great, but when it comes to intimacy he avoids it like a disease or something. I always have to initiate it & he always has excuses. If he gives into it, he just lays there stiff as a board, wont touch me, wont say anything, just lays there. I feel so sad, unattractive, & lonley. I love him so much, & I dont doubt his love for me, but we might as well just be good friends because there is no sex life. I have asked him if we can go to counsleing & he does not want to. I ask him if he is sexually attracted to me & he says yes, but I dont believe him. after reading all of these posts I feel like I can relate to all of you, & also feel after reading these that he is just not sexually attracted to me, but does not want to say because he loves me so much & dosent want to hurt me. I also have gained about 15 lbs & have tried to lose it, but he makes it hard to. I just dont know what to do anymore, I feel like I am trying to emotionally move away from him & feel like I dont care anymore so it wont hurt as much, but it does.

Posted @ Friday, March 09, 2012 12:46 PM by kathy

Kathy, Men have written on this blog that weight gain by their partner is a real turn-off, so keep motivated because this could be part of the problem. On the other hand, men often stop trying after they feel secure in the relationship. Go to counseling without him and learn what else you can do. -Kurt

Posted @ Tuesday, March 13, 2012 6:23 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

It is comforting to know there are others that feel as isolated as I do. I have been married for 12 years and have two boys with my husband. We have had the same two fights our entire marriage; the main one being about sex. To see him with me you would think I get all the attention a woman would need, and he is, seemingly, loving and caring, but our sex life leaves me feeling lonely, unattractive and afraid. I have gone to the extreme of asking him if he is gay. I get a resounding no, but still have doubts. I have gained weight, and then lost it. I have worked out and stopped. I have been blonde and brunette, but none of these physical tranformations have been effective. When we do have sex, it is fantastic. He seems to feel the same way, though he may be a better actor than I know?? Either way, I only wish I had an avenue to go down to resolve the issue, because I feel truly helpless at this point. I don't want to divorce and split our family, but I also don't want to live a so so life, when it could be great? I would love to hear any suggestions or comments that could help...

Posted @ Tuesday, March 20, 2012 9:05 AM by Jen

Jen, There are many possibilities. A few of which are that he has a lower sex drive, is depressed, or has gotten complacent in your marriage. If the two of you can't talk honestly about this, then go to a counselor together to get help in doing this. You deserve to know the true problem and have it change. -Kurt

Posted @ Tuesday, March 20, 2012 1:37 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

Sorry to hear so many people are having the same problem. Although I love my wife, I am no longer sexually attracted to her. My wife is 9 years younger than me and at the age of 31, she should be full of energy. There is no excuse for her to avoid excercise and stuff chocolate and ice cream down her throat everyday. She has gained about 40# in the last few years and I try to avoid seeing her naked because all the fat and cellulite is unattractive. It is to the point where we are like roommates. It's not all physical, though. The negative, pessimistic attitude she has developed has turned me off as much as the weight gain. I am hopeful that someday she will take better care of her body so that I can have a hope to get laid again someday.

Posted @ Wednesday, March 21, 2012 11:48 AM by Bill

Well I'm not attracted to my wife, I have two beautiful children and love them (notice I and not we), my wife refused intimacy so many times it became a bore. I stopped trying and all my dependencies on her stopped as well. I don't know how I did it but I feel much better now. I don't masturbate, in fact I don't bother with porn, my life style has changed, weight training/playing football and coaching, making times for my children to play with, I don't drink and never smoked. I've noticed many women paying attention but I really don't care. I also speak to many women around the world purely platonic, later this I will travel to Vietnam. So men if you don't like her then don't bother, because in all honesty they're not worth it. women accept it your man has shut you out.

Posted @ Sunday, March 25, 2012 9:54 AM by jayj

Bill, Thank you for your honesty about how you feel about your wife. You need to learn how to tell her how you feel and what you want from the relationship. Settling is a mistake. Get some professional counseling help to learn how to change the relationship. -Kurt

Posted @ Tuesday, March 27, 2012 12:26 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

I am a husband who does not want sex with his wife and our marriage has been sexless for over 20 years. I think that some guys need the high stimulation of sex with a new partner in order to become sexually aroused. Sex with the same person over and over makes them lose desire and that causes various sexual dysfunctions like being unable to get an erection or have an orgasm with the partner. Guys like me should probably not get married so they can move from partner to partner easily and maintain enough sexual desire to function properly. I am very sorry I got married because I was sexually happy when I was single and could move on to a new partner whenever I would start losing desire and having sexual difficulties. I could have affairs but I don't want to take the chance of losing my kids in a divorce should I get caught. The irony of my life is that I gave up sex to get married.

Posted @ Saturday, April 21, 2012 10:02 AM by JimC

K I don't quite know where I went wrong.. I'm 23. Been married since I was 19. I'm 5'2 120 pounds so I'm average I guess. I always , like on a daily basis get compliments from other men about how pretty or hot I am.... everyone but my husband.. he never compliments. Me or flirts with me like he used to. We still have sec but no where near as often as we used to... I change it up and do oral or anal and different Positions but for the past two years of our marraige every few months ill find pornography on his phone or laptop...I feel degraded like I'm not enough even if I were like one of the girls he looks at...I'm better looking than most of them so that's why I'm so freaking confused...he just brick wall shuts down when I try to talk about it

Posted @ Saturday, April 21, 2012 5:51 PM by jms

JMS, Read some of the posts under the tag 'Porn Addiction' and you'll have a better understanding why he's looking at it. It's not really about you or your sex life. -Kurt

Posted @ Thursday, April 26, 2012 9:36 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC

Dear all,

I am in the same sitution. I am married for 7 years and was is a relationship for 2 years before marriage. Our sex life was OK (not great) before marriage, but reduced to hardly a dozen times in 5 years after marriage and none in the last two years. But the worst part is I feel that we have lost the emotional connection. After having a baby (now almost 2 years) and we both getting busy with work, we hardly even talk to each other. He is a great dad and does try to spend quality time with his son, but doesn't care about me at all. We don't even sleep together anymore. We have talked about it sometimes, but I dont see him working on it. I think I used to love him before, but not anymore. I do not want to consider divorce because who is to say if the next marriage wont end up the same way or have other problems. My husband is a very good otherwise and it is worth for the sake of my son to be with him. Still, it is unavoidable at times to feel lonely and wanting to go out with other guys and cheat. I do let myself dream sometimes that someday he will realize and will try to work on it I have resorted to working out and being happy with myself. I am hoping I will be able to improvise and cope up better. Well, I guess the message from reading most of the posts here is: learn to love yourself and be happy with yourself!!

Posted @ Wednesday, May 09, 2012 3:41 PM by adg

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"My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted to Me" Mr. Marriage Counselor

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"My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted to Me" Mr. Marriage Counselor

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