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"My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted to Me" Mr. Marriage Counselor

  
  
  
  

Husband Isn't Physically Attracted To WifePart 1 of 2

Q: Help! My husband is not physically attracted to me.  We've been married for 9 yrs. We basically got married only cuz I was pregnant. We didn't really love each other then, but I have grown to love him. He says he cares for me, but doesn't love me. Neither of us are happy in the marriage, but we have 3 kids and are willing to "suffer through" for the kids' sake. However, one aspect that is making it difficult for me to continue is that my husband is not physically attracted to me. We don't have sex. It's been over 3 months since we've been intimate sexually and only then b/c I initiated it and basically forced him to continue. I think he's just totally turned off by me and it repulses him whenever I approach the subject. It's not just intercourse I miss. It's the touching, like a hand on my shoulder, or even him touching my hair, or ANYTHING! We have tried marriage counseling. We quit going cuz either we can't afford it anymore, or he claims I need to work on "my problems" before we can work on any marriage problems. I admit I have problems that should be dealt with via counseling, but that is separate. We can work on the marriage at the same time. Any advice? -- Brianna V.

A: "My husband is not physically attracted to me."  Believe it or not, I hear this from wives pretty regularly.  Many spouses, both men and women, are dissatisfied with the amount or quality of sexually intimacy in their marriage.

There can be many reasons, and it's often a combination of them, not just one, that could be causing your husband to say "I'm not physically attracted to my wife."  Here are just a couple possibilities:

  1. This statement could be a cover-up for another issue that he doesn't want to admit.  Some men feel inadequate sexually, have aspects about their appearance that embarrass them, or have sexual performance issues, such as erectile dysfunction.  Rather than admit any of these embarrassing things, it can be easier to blame the attractiveness of their partner.
  2. As you're experiencing, one of the needs sexually intimacy fulfills is the need to be wanted, desired.  Some men use other things to get this need met besides sex.  In my counseling men I see guys use work, online gaming, FaceBook, flirting, an affair, alcohol, even food to satisfy needs that their spouse is meant to help fulfill (Note that I said "help fulfill."  A common problem is that many people have a poor self-identity and use their partner's desire for them to deal with it, which is the wrong solution to this problem).
  3. The possible influence of pornography cannot be overlooked.  Many wives are either unaware of or ignore porn, and most don't realize the negative affects porn addiction can have on the sexual intimacy of their marriage.  It's possible that your husband doesn't find you attractive because he has conditioned his brain to find the manufactured images in porn arousing, which by the way no one can compete with.

Sexual intimacy in marriage is such a common area of heartache, and so many wives can say "my husband is not physically attracted to me," that I'm going to write another article about this problem.  In the upcoming post I'll share the story of a couple I work with in marriage counseling who are also dealing with the problem "my husband is not physically attracted to me."

-- Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor

* This is the first article of two discussing the issues of when a husband is not physically attracted to his wife and sexual intimacy in marriage.  In the second article I'll share the story of a couple I work with in marriage counseling who are also dealing with the problem "my husband is not physically attracted to me."  Be sure to Sign-up for our Counseling Men Blog on the right and don't miss the next article.

Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor?  Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post.  Be sure to Sign Up for Our Blog on the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.

Comments

My husband does not touch me.I give him blow jobs which he enjoys but not return the pleasure. he does no fondle my breast or feel my vaginal area.I think he may not be into women. he pays me no interest but gets intersested when he gets touched. He was too tired for sex on on honeymoon niet. help me please
Posted @ Monday, January 17, 2011 11:50 PM by julie Raybon
i feel ur pain! i am having hte same problem, maybe worse! i have to ask my hubby for a hug or kiss and even then its just a peck, not a REAL kiss. we hardly ever have sex. and he actually turns down bj's! who knew that was possible!? before i met him i was the one constantly turning down sex, im just not used to this and feel so rejected and hurt.
Posted @ Monday, January 24, 2011 4:11 PM by Kenya
Im sorry to hear that you arre going through the same thing. Its very painful and dont feel like a woman. I got up the courage and asked him if he just isnt into women or If I just turn him off.He said he is into women and that he doesnt know why we do not connect well for sex. that didnt help!
Posted @ Wednesday, February 16, 2011 12:12 AM by Julie R
 
I am so sorry for you, it hurts me to read that. I am too in the same boat. But the only difference is I am just 25 and my husband and I have been married for two months. We hardly ever have sex. He claims he loves me but always avoid having sex. Now even if I try to initiate he stops me. He became very stressed at work and I've had a lot of patience understanding his situation. He comes from office have dinner, talk to him mom for an hour and go to sleep. I can’t even explain how terrible I feel. Every day that we don't have sex I feel like I am more unattractive and neglected by him. I have talked to him about it and he says he’s just too tired. He chooses TV or reading rather than making love. Physical affection between us is minimal. I’ve tried everything to kick-start our sex life. He knows how important our sexual relationship is to me and how unhappy I am. But he does nothing to change and I cry myself to sleep most nights. He only says I am overreacting to this. We have a lot of fun together and communicate well about problems. If something bothers me, I tell him and we talk about it openly. In general he is very good to me and I to him. I love him, and my husband is very loving and attentive to me in all other areas. Please help I don’t know what to do.
Posted @ Wednesday, February 16, 2011 3:50 PM by Loma G
Hey ladies...I am in the same boat with my husband of 5 years. He actually told me that he was no longer phsically attracted to me and that made sex hard for him. I've been about 40 lbs overweight since my 2nd child. I was shocked and hurt when he told me, but realized I didn't like the way I look either, so I'm working on getting in shape for ME :-)My husband said it was the hardest thing he ever told me and it may be the same for yours. I feel better already and am making myself happy. If you are in the same boat as me work on you first and if it doesnt help know its not you its him. Good Luck
Posted @ Sunday, February 20, 2011 9:03 PM by sofie
Thank you everyone for sharing. It helps that I am not alone.
Posted @ Monday, March 07, 2011 9:15 PM by Julie R
Ladies, I am in the same problem with my wife, who I love so very much. I am no longer attracted to her. And I really really want to be. I am seeking some help for this to try and resolve. But, let me give you some incite as to how a man thinks. a) except for some scum bags, men are conditioned never to hurt a woman, emotionality and physically. The irony is by not avoiding the admitting of 'attraction' for fear of hurting our partners feelings, we end up hurting them more. b) Ask your man if he is still attracted to other women that he sees and interacts with, and if he wishes he could have intercourse with them. Its a near 100% guarantee the answer is YES! If he says otherwise...see a). The question I ask my self, am I un-natural as a man because of my behavior? Or is Society or religion conforming men to a mold that goes against there natural instincts? I really do not know. The reason I do not seek out an affair and most men agree is we have evolved not so much a sense of right/wrong. But we do the math and understand the financial and emotional consequences of such actions. Which is also why affairs by men are often acts of opportunity. The real question here is...how can marriage adapt to the wiring of mens natural instincts. Maybe thats why husbands love football so much.
Posted @ Friday, May 06, 2011 7:27 AM by Husband
Wow,I didn't know that so many other woman have the same problem as me. Before I got married I couldn't get enough sex with whoever my boyfriend was at the time,including my husband. It seems that we only had sex to have our 3 children. My youngest is now 13 and I can maybe count on 1 hand how many times we have been intimate since he was born. It's been over 2 years now and I cry every night thinking that I will never make love again . I enjoyed it so much that it is really depressing me.
Posted @ Wednesday, June 01, 2011 9:18 PM by Abbe
Finally, I am not alone. I have felt so hurt, lonely, and confused. I have been married just two weeks but together for five years. He is not attracted to me. I have tries everything and now find myself just giving up. I have lost weight, bought lingerie, kama sutra boxes, you name it. We didn't have sex on our honeymoon till our third night, and it was because I woke him up. The next night I came out in lingerie and he wanted to read his car magazine. Sometimes I wonder if he married his best friend instead of someone he is passionate about. I am so thankful that we are so close and friends, but this is taking an enormous toll on my self esteem. He can't even give me compliments but he's the first to criticize me. Please help me! 
Posted @ Tuesday, June 07, 2011 12:51 AM by Annie B
Well its been 20 years of marriage for us and for the past 5 years its been down hill ever since. It use to be a time when I was the one who was always to tired as they say. But after I had a hystorectomy (not sure if that's the correct spelling but you know what I mean)I have been wanting my husband to be with me sexually for years, but he can only squeeze in a sexual moment once a month!. But I've been in need much more than that, after my surgery I've been needing it on a daily basis. Now I don't expect an everyday/night thing but I would like it more than once a month. I've talked to my husband about this being a problem for me so many times before, but his excuse is always "the kids always need to come in here for something or you are always being needed by the kids." Bottomline is I'm tired of all the useless excuses. I too was over weight, not a lot but anyone who knew me could see the chunkieness. So at this point I've lost 33lbs and I'm looking rather young and beautiful for a 45 year old woman if I do say so mysself since my husband clearly is'nt saying so! I've had many men ask me out plenty of times and I've rejected them all because I still very much love my man. But if things don't change sooner than later I will have to take a caouple of them up on there offer!
Posted @ Thursday, July 21, 2011 4:39 PM by Jocelyn
Men are visual! Our attraction to a female will always be physical first, so if that part is missing there won't be any continued fireworks. 
 
Now the good news for you ladies is that different guys like different flavours, just look at Prince Charles preference over Lady Diana! 
 
I would love for my wife to approach me and ask "what physical change if I made would make you more attracted to me?". She has totally lost her shape, and sex is a last resort to quench an urge.... Far from making love.
Posted @ Thursday, October 13, 2011 12:02 PM by Guy's perspective
My husband and I have been married 40 plus years and I would say all 40 years have been terrible. We had sex maybe 2 dozen times in the first 10 tears and after that nothing at all. No sex, intimacy, communication is down to 3 word sentences. And he thinks this is married life, we hadn't slept together for the same amount of years. We live in the same home except he has the down stairs and I have the up stairs. He won't get help from a doctor, in his world its roses. I've been lonely, unloved and depressed by all his actions. Now I suppose you would think he might be gay or into porn. I have the only computer a lap top thats always with me and the only telephone in the house. He stays home and has no friends that I'm aware of. We go no where together, some of my friends don't even know I'm married. My life has been pure HELL !!!!
Posted @ Monday, November 28, 2011 1:36 PM by Ann
Hey all. Thank goodness I am not the only one with this problem! My husband and I married one year ago. 2010. We are both 24, and I was heavier when he married me. I weighed 150, now I am 126. He refuses to have sex with me..and has recently told me that he is not attracted to my body. My skin is not loose but I need to tone up(which I am working on)...is our marriage a lost cause sexually..already?!
Posted @ Thursday, December 15, 2011 1:50 AM by elaine
My husband makes me feel neglected and unattractive , but more importantly my dependance on his validation makes me feel pathetic. I have always been wildly independent and living my sexual life on my terms , but I think i gave all that up when I got married expecting him to keep me feeling beauitful and sexy - big mistake. I am taking a stand with myself. I know I dont get more attractive by stewing in sadness , crying constantly, and feeling like crap. So I am excercising so I can look smoking hot, eating well, accomplishing goals that I set forth for myself and this is giving me my confidence back. He has been noticing me , but he is really noticing that I feel awesome weather or not he kisses, touches, has sex with me. Yes, I want him, but I am not willing to degrade myself in my own eyes to get anyones attention because at the end of the day - I have to love me. If he doesn't come around or if we have to callvit quits, at least I will leave feeling that I improved myself during our time together instead of just giving everything that makes me away. Life should be more than livable - it should be a pleasure.
Posted @ Tuesday, December 27, 2011 12:21 PM by Christina P.
Wow, my story in a nutshell. I especially relate to Julie Raybon. My "sex life" with my husband has come down to to me givng him blowjobs but one step farther, while he is watching porn of just naked women show their extreme personals on video. I don't even get undressed he doesn't touch me at all. He just lays there staring at the tv while I am at the foot of the bed kneeing on the floor doing all the work. Lately he has been putting our comforter over his belly so he doesn't even see me. I have not had a penis inside of me since October of 1992 when my daughter was conceived. So pathetic and embarrassing.
Posted @ Wednesday, December 28, 2011 7:17 AM by SueW
Did you consider that he might have an affair? I spend 24 hours a day with my husband because he is working at home, in the first year he was very attracted for me and in the last time he lost interest as I can realize, he doesn't make me compliments anymore but he still wants sex twice a day. I think a man cannot stay without having sex at all so I guess he is cheating on you. I keep my sexual relationship exciting by meeting other couples, doing him lesbian role plays etc. I am bored as well but I don't want him to realize it as I know it might damage our sexual lives. I think is very important to think out of the box and listen your fantasies to keep yourself sexy and attractive. Good luck xx
Posted @ Thursday, January 12, 2012 5:07 AM by Nantia
Married 45 years and only had sex once, that was our wedding night. Since then nothing right up to today. Day after we were married he came home and move his things down in our basement, and started working midnight shift. I didn't even get a kiss when he left for work. Ive been confused, depressed, unwanted, unloved, and all i feel is hate and resentment. Were retired now and I've accepted my life and if I have another life I would like to have kids, be appreciated and loved by someone with a big heart and shoulders to lean on.
Posted @ Sunday, February 05, 2012 12:30 AM by Amy
I have been married three months and I was A virgin before we married. We have only tried sex a few times but my hubby can't keep his penis hard. He has erections in the night and in the mornings. Most mornings he likes me to masturbate him or give him oral sex but even that isn't done right anymore. I tried sexy underwear but he said that don't work either. like most he blames it solely on me. He said we have no chemistry in that way and I have no sex drive which isn't true. I'm up for most things and would like a active sex life apart from just fondling my bits when I ask him to at times. I need caressing and my boobies played with but something is lacking and yes I feel really low about myself at the moment.
Posted @ Thursday, February 23, 2012 3:28 PM by venetia
I feel your pain. I have been married for 12 years, have two kids, and found out last year that my husband had an on-line emotional affair. It began as contact with a woman on a porn site. We've been going to couples counseling for over a year now to try to work things out. We're still working on it. Over the past couple of years the physical intimacy has decreased steadily. I have been doing all of the initiating. He responds and we have sex, but he never initiates it. Just two weeks ago he confessed that he does not find me attractive and has not for a long time. He said that he loves me so much and that he wants our marriage to work, and that he feels stupid that a little thing like physical attraction could get in the way of a marriage that is otherwise "good". It's been rough and continues to be miserable some days, but we have two awesome kids that are worth doing everything we can to try and figure this out so that we can stay together as a family. Don't get me wrong, we won't stay together for the kids, but they certainly make it worth trying as hard as we can. Personally, sex is important to me. And I know that if he's not getting sexual satisfaction with me, he's going to find it elsewhere, whether it be through porn or another woman - let's face it, he is a man. I think physical attraction has something to do with it, but not everything. I am in better physical shape now than I was when we got married. It hurt me that he didn't even seem to notice the change two years ago when I lost 20 lbs. Emotional connection has a lot to do with it - lives get busy, other things take priority and before you know it, you've lost touch with your spouse and lack of attraction is the by-product, not the problem. None the less, it still sucks. I just want him to want me the way he did when we were first together, and I am worried that the spark will never come back. I agree with sofie, the best thing to do is to do things for yourself to make you feel good about who you are - our self worth does not depend on anyone else and it really sucks that our husbands' issues become our burden. Be the woman he fell in love with, the one that had confidence, sass and had fun. You might find that he'll respond positively when it looks like you're not trying so hard to get his approval and attention anymore. That is my goal these days, just to be me. Not always easy, but it works.
Posted @ Tuesday, February 28, 2012 1:18 PM by tami
same thing here, but I caught him doing cyber sex, so there you go! "Awkward" Actually I think it's a hormonal thing. Ever since I went through menopause. Perhaps that thing that has do with pheromones. I out a link. But this seemed to start when I went through my change. Well just something to think about. Mine is definately hooked on porno.
Posted @ Saturday, March 03, 2012 2:09 PM by woo
Thank you to everyone, guys and ladies, for writing and sharing your pain and insights. I'm truly sorry to hear how many of you are deeply hurting and struggling. Although I'm not surprised because I hear it every day. I commend Tami for her courage and perseverance in going to couples counseling, changing herself, and working to be the woman he fell in love with. Good example for everyone wanting to save their relationship and get the love back. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, March 06, 2012 12:52 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
I have been searching everything trying to figure this out. I have been married less than a year, my husband was very attracted to me when we first met, right after we moved in together he just stopped. He is very sweet to me & we get along great, but when it comes to intimacy he avoids it like a disease or something. I always have to initiate it & he always has excuses. If he gives into it, he just lays there stiff as a board, wont touch me, wont say anything, just lays there. I feel so sad, unattractive, & lonley. I love him so much, & I dont doubt his love for me, but we might as well just be good friends because there is no sex life. I have asked him if we can go to counsleing & he does not want to. I ask him if he is sexually attracted to me & he says yes, but I dont believe him. after reading all of these posts I feel like I can relate to all of you, & also feel after reading these that he is just not sexually attracted to me, but does not want to say because he loves me so much & dosent want to hurt me. I also have gained about 15 lbs & have tried to lose it, but he makes it hard to. I just dont know what to do anymore, I feel like I am trying to emotionally move away from him & feel like I dont care anymore so it wont hurt as much, but it does.
Posted @ Friday, March 09, 2012 12:46 PM by kathy
Kathy, Men have written on this blog that weight gain by their partner is a real turn-off, so keep motivated because this could be part of the problem. On the other hand, men often stop trying after they feel secure in the relationship. Go to counseling without him and learn what else you can do. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, March 13, 2012 6:23 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
It is comforting to know there are others that feel as isolated as I do. I have been married for 12 years and have two boys with my husband. We have had the same two fights our entire marriage; the main one being about sex. To see him with me you would think I get all the attention a woman would need, and he is, seemingly, loving and caring, but our sex life leaves me feeling lonely, unattractive and afraid. I have gone to the extreme of asking him if he is gay. I get a resounding no, but still have doubts. I have gained weight, and then lost it. I have worked out and stopped. I have been blonde and brunette, but none of these physical tranformations have been effective. When we do have sex, it is fantastic. He seems to feel the same way, though he may be a better actor than I know?? Either way, I only wish I had an avenue to go down to resolve the issue, because I feel truly helpless at this point. I don't want to divorce and split our family, but I also don't want to live a so so life, when it could be great? I would love to hear any suggestions or comments that could help... 
 
Posted @ Tuesday, March 20, 2012 9:05 AM by Jen
Jen, There are many possibilities. A few of which are that he has a lower sex drive, is depressed, or has gotten complacent in your marriage. If the two of you can't talk honestly about this, then go to a counselor together to get help in doing this. You deserve to know the true problem and have it change. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, March 20, 2012 1:37 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Sorry to hear so many people are having the same problem. Although I love my wife, I am no longer sexually attracted to her. My wife is 9 years younger than me and at the age of 31, she should be full of energy. There is no excuse for her to avoid excercise and stuff chocolate and ice cream down her throat everyday. She has gained about 40# in the last few years and I try to avoid seeing her naked because all the fat and cellulite is unattractive. It is to the point where we are like roommates. It's not all physical, though. The negative, pessimistic attitude she has developed has turned me off as much as the weight gain. I am hopeful that someday she will take better care of her body so that I can have a hope to get laid again someday.
Posted @ Wednesday, March 21, 2012 11:48 AM by Bill
Well I'm not attracted to my wife, I have two beautiful children and love them (notice I and not we), my wife refused intimacy so many times it became a bore. I stopped trying and all my dependencies on her stopped as well. I don't know how I did it but I feel much better now. I don't masturbate, in fact I don't bother with porn, my life style has changed, weight training/playing football and coaching, making times for my children to play with, I don't drink and never smoked. I've noticed many women paying attention but I really don't care. I also speak to many women around the world purely platonic, later this I will travel to Vietnam. So men if you don't like her then don't bother, because in all honesty they're not worth it. women accept it your man has shut you out.
Posted @ Sunday, March 25, 2012 9:54 AM by jayj
Bill, Thank you for your honesty about how you feel about your wife. You need to learn how to tell her how you feel and what you want from the relationship. Settling is a mistake. Get some professional counseling help to learn how to change the relationship. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, March 27, 2012 12:26 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
I am a husband who does not want sex with his wife and our marriage has been sexless for over 20 years. I think that some guys need the high stimulation of sex with a new partner in order to become sexually aroused. Sex with the same person over and over makes them lose desire and that causes various sexual dysfunctions like being unable to get an erection or have an orgasm with the partner. Guys like me should probably not get married so they can move from partner to partner easily and maintain enough sexual desire to function properly. I am very sorry I got married because I was sexually happy when I was single and could move on to a new partner whenever I would start losing desire and having sexual difficulties. I could have affairs but I don't want to take the chance of losing my kids in a divorce should I get caught. The irony of my life is that I gave up sex to get married.
Posted @ Saturday, April 21, 2012 10:02 AM by JimC
K I don't quite know where I went wrong.. I'm 23. Been married since I was 19. I'm 5'2 120 pounds so I'm average I guess. I always , like on a daily basis get compliments from other men about how pretty or hot I am.... everyone but my husband.. he never compliments. Me or flirts with me like he used to. We still have sec but no where near as often as we used to... I change it up and do oral or anal and different Positions but for the past two years of our marraige every few months ill find pornography on his phone or laptop...I feel degraded like I'm not enough even if I were like one of the girls he looks at...I'm better looking than most of them so that's why I'm so freaking confused...he just brick wall shuts down when I try to talk about it
Posted @ Saturday, April 21, 2012 5:51 PM by jms
JMS, Read some of the posts under the tag 'Porn Addiction' and you'll have a better understanding why he's looking at it. It's not really about you or your sex life. -Kurt
Posted @ Thursday, April 26, 2012 9:36 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Dear all, 
 
I am in the same sitution. I am married for 7 years and was is a relationship for 2 years before marriage. Our sex life was OK (not great) before marriage, but reduced to hardly a dozen times in 5 years after marriage and none in the last two years. But the worst part is I feel that we have lost the emotional connection. After having a baby (now almost 2 years) and we both getting busy with work, we hardly even talk to each other. He is a great dad and does try to spend quality time with his son, but doesn't care about me at all. We don't even sleep together anymore. We have talked about it sometimes, but I dont see him working on it. I think I used to love him before, but not anymore. I do not want to consider divorce because who is to say if the next marriage wont end up the same way or have other problems. My husband is a very good otherwise and it is worth for the sake of my son to be with him. Still, it is unavoidable at times to feel lonely and wanting to go out with other guys and cheat. I do let myself dream sometimes that someday he will realize and will try to work on it I have resorted to working out and being happy with myself. I am hoping I will be able to improvise and cope up better. Well, I guess the message from reading most of the posts here is: learn to love yourself and be happy with yourself!!
Posted @ Wednesday, May 09, 2012 3:41 PM by adg
Hey Ladies, 
 
 
 
I'm in the same boat. I've been married for 9 1/2 years, and three years ago my husband told me that he wasn't attracted to me anymore. It was very depressing. But I started concentrating on myself. I went back to school, got my Real Estate License, and lost weight. I'm planning on ending my marriage because I can't live like this and I deserve better
Posted @ Tuesday, July 03, 2012 11:47 AM by Grace Ba
Hi all, 
 
 
 
I have been married for 10 months now and I am yet to have an intercourse with my Wife. I am not here to blame anyone of you here are judge too. I just want to express how men feel. 
 
 
 
It’s not that just women needs that mental connect men too needs it. Ours was an arranged marriage but I liked my wife completely even though I was not head over heels in love with her I definitely did see living a beautiful life with her, after all none of us are perfect and I know that. 
 
 
 
But after marriage the main thing what she did was she always wanted to change me , my friends and she never appreciates any of my interests as an individual. Even though we don’t have much in common she doesn’t even want to try the things I like before concluding that she will like it or not. 
 
For example listing to my kind of music while we are driving, watching movies together and loads more. And over on top of it she is a home maker and she takes of the home very well.  
 
 
 
She does the cooking, cleaning , you name it and she is the one who takes care of me with love but not just for the sake of it. But just that I get to she her always in her night pants coz she is always at home. 
 
 
 
She does not have much of a friends or a hobby or interest of her own and never gives me alone time. I know she loves me and she wants to get physical all the time but I feel that the emotional connect is missing and I want to have sex because I feel like having it but not been compelled or talked in to it.  
 
 
 
While we have our foreplays or oral sex she does not even what to touch my organs to get me motivated to the next level. I end up giving her oral sex. Well leaving all this she tells me that she is depressed because we are yet to have an intercourse. When I say I need a mental connect she says if we have that physical connect the mental part will automatically come. I refuse to believe it.  
 
 
 
And more over she makes her available all the time for the sex and I think that’s a turn off. We men like girls with attitude who can carry themselves well who thinks they are hot and have a self esteem. Stop asking us if you are attractive or not and conduct yourself like you are the priciest person on earth. I know my wife is good enough for me and I am in love with her but just that she will have to know that yet so that we can have more sex.  
 
 
 
Over on top of it my wife had told her family and parents that we are yet to have a intercourse and now people think that I am making her unhappy physically and I am incapable of sexually satisfying her.  
 
 
 
My own parents come and talk to me for setting up a appointment with a doc. All these have affected me mentally and not wanting her. But I still love her and if she is willing to change few things like making herself physically attractive and making efforts to dress up now and then I think all will be fine. But she is not even thinking on these terms just thinks I purposefully deny sex holding her grudge for talking about this to my parents which is not true. This has caused a lot of tension in our marriage and I am not able to concentrate at work too. I have not spoken to her about her appearance to be more appealing and sexy because I know it will hurt her I don’t want to do that.  
 
 
 
After all she does so many things for me and she is a good person. What should I do now?? I appreciate any kind of advice from you ladies.  
 
Thanks for your time. 
 
Posted @ Thursday, July 05, 2012 2:06 AM by Shyam
My husband and I have been married for 26 years. About 10 years into our marriage he had an affair. Heartbroken as I was I knew I had to perform like no other. After the years went by my husband was unable to get an erection so our sex life deminished. I often ask my self was it because of me. He often told me that he would like me to initate sex first. I did on several occasion but that is just not me. But everytime I would and we would start he could not get erection. I thought it was me. I noticed he was staying up late and I would see semen in the toilet and dried up spots on the floor. He began to not complement me and my self esteem was gone. I became very distance from him. Just last week I searched files on the computer that he had been in and I found Porn Sites. Do you think the reason he could not get erection is because he was taking care of his self before coming to bed? I am lost for words. Please help.
Posted @ Tuesday, July 24, 2012 11:39 AM by Gina
I am saddened by all of these women's pleas. I am in a similar situation with my husband of 20yrs. We have been through argument after argument trying to work things out but I have to admit that for a man, sex is not his driving force. He loves me like crazy, so he tells me, but his desire sexually is very poor. To cut a long story short, we do love each other and have a lot of other common interests. 
I would like to say I am disappointed with some of the advice given to women already struggling with self esteem about losing weight and looking after themselves better to make themselves more attractive for their partners. How many men would look the same as the day they married or started the relationship? I can bet most have changed significantly but is advice given to them about losing weight? 
I think your advice is poor if you only know one side of the story. I think it is unfair to assume it is the woman's fault because of weight or nagging or whatever else you THINK is the problem. Let's admit it, women marry for emotion, men marry for looks. There are however, exceptions to the rule. Disappointed in some of your " professional" advice.
Posted @ Thursday, July 26, 2012 3:15 PM by Lee
Gina, There are a number of possibilities as to why he can't get an erection. His masturbation is just one of them. Most often erectile dysfunction has a mental cause that can be fixed with professional help. -Kurt
Posted @ Monday, August 13, 2012 8:21 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Lee, Sorry to hear that you feel the suggestions are too one-sided. They're written to whomever asked the question, but nearly all of them can be applied to both sexes, especially weight loss and self care. -Kurt
Posted @ Monday, August 13, 2012 8:23 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
It's kinda nice that I am not alone but I wish I was because I wouldn't want anyone to go through this with their spouse. My husband and I have known eachother for 11 years. We were always friends until 2009 and after going a few years without hanging out with eachother (with mutual friends partying)we decided to date eachother. After spending many sleepless nights together....talking to get to know who we were now and learning about what we did and experienced during the time we never saw eachother; we both confessed that we both were attracted and had crushes on one another. :) By the year 2009 I had had 2 kids but was as sexy, and fit as I was when I met him at the age of 18. Well after just 3 months of being crazy about one another we got hitched (something I never wanted to do but when you feel that crazy over someone it does something to you). In 2010 I had my 3rd child but we had been pregnant before we had our boy but we miscarried (at 3 months I looked like I was 6. I went from a size "0" to a size "5". Then as soon as my dr gave me the "GO AHEAD" after the miscarried we got pregnant what seemed like that day lol. Well I had him in 2010 he just turned 2 and I wiegh more now than I did when I was pregnant and my face is crazy with acne. He can't be attracted to me....he goes LLLLLOOOOOONNNNNGGG periods without having sex with me and even then he must watch porn. I tried one night to have sex without porn and he couldn't get up. He is always downstairs "playing a stupid shooting game" and I have recently found porn on the family computer, his work laptop and his phone. I erased over 500 videos and just the other day found more that I had missed. I am hurt, and kinda over it. I have tried loosing wieght, dieting, addepix, going to gym, joining the biggest looser thing at the gym, cutting out pop, starch etc. and have only lost 4 pounds. I have even went through test to see why i can't loose wieght. I have always been itty bitty and clear skin. I am crushed, depressed, lonely, and over it all. If he doesn't like my body then there's no way in hell I can change his visual preforance. I feel like I'm just a fat, pimply stay at home mom that has to deal with being with a guy just because of the kids. yea 2 aren't his but my oldest 2's father passed and my girl only knows my husband as Dad. "big huge sigh" I wish I felt wanted, loved, and attractive. I once was called a MILF, GIRL NEXT DOOR, THE GIRL WITH THE SEXY LEGS, AND TIGHT @$$, WHY AM I SO UGLY NOW :"(
Posted @ Wednesday, August 29, 2012 11:30 AM by shavonne
I would ask your husband, "if I could change, work on, or improve one area of my physical appearance to you that would make me more attractive to you, what would that be?" 
 
I would love to hear that from my wife, otherwise he will never tell you because he does not want to hurt you, and you will live wondering why the heck he is not attracted to you.
Posted @ Tuesday, September 11, 2012 1:26 PM by Jackson
I have been going to a psychologist for almost a year about this very issue. My husband says that 10 years ago I tricked him into marrying me, by telling him that I wanted to work out and go to the gym, which is not something that I ever said. He puts me down and tells me that he loves me but he's not attracted to me anymore. He said it makes him sick or uncomfortable to look at me. I have maybe gained 20 lbs since we got married. We started with marriage counselling, but the marriage counselor quickly determined that it wasn't me it was him. I had dealt with my past issues or was otherwise healthy, he has never dealt with all of his issues and so he suffers from depression, low self-esteem, and really has avoidant attachment disorder. I recommend any women that are reading this forum to look this up and see if it sounds like it fits. Regardless, the bottom line is that it is him and not me that has the problem. He has a choice to deal with his issues or face the consequences, which may include losing me. I can't put up with this forever and nor can I deal with a man who is in complete denial and refuses to examine his own thoughts and feelings. Men need to wake up and realize that women no longer have to be emotionally abused. I thought he was different when I married him, but things have gotten considerably worse over the years. The question you should always ask yourself is "whose anxiety is this"? If it is his then no amount of primping, losing weight, wearing makeup, wearing lingerie or any other trappings that women feel compelled to do, will help. You should do these kind of things if they make you feel good about yourself, but not for someone else. There has to be some sense of reciprocity or give and take in order for marriages to work. He has now devoted himself to watching porn on the internet, which further breaks the marriage down. I think that most men who say these things are either psychopaths (I was previously with one of these and fortunately made it out alive), broken, controlling or gay. None of which we have to put up with as women. I am currently struggling with the decision of whether to stay or to leave and it is so difficult. We have no children, but devoting 10 years of my life to a lost cause is extremely depressing. I can't cry around him or he uses it against me. I don't know what I will do, but I wanted to share my story with you as well as my doctor's recommendations. I pray that we all are able to find happiness in our lives, whether it is with our partners or without them.
Posted @ Monday, September 17, 2012 11:18 AM by Natalie
This is such a huge problem and sadly a lot of women go through this and feel helpless and alone. Natalie, your story is so sad. My husband does have a libido problem which I if I may add is also triggered by low testosterone but he has never been cruel or demeaning in any way. I don't think he is lying when he tells me that the problem is him and not me. I also know that before we were together he never had a raging sex drive so this backs up the fact that it is not me. I cannot believe that a lot of women stay in this situation for so many years and the things their husbands say to them are so degrading. No one, and I mean no one should have to stay in a loveless relationship for any reason financial or otherwise. I would never stay for that reason and before you think I have no idea what I am talking about, I will add that this is my second marriage and my first his band was abusive emotionally and physically and I ran out in the middle of the night with a 2 week old baby with no where to go that wouldn't put someone in danger and nothing but a bag of nappies and the clothesnon my back, but I had to do it for my daughters sake. I started over again and whilst it wasn't easy, it was worth it. I realise that things in Australia are a lot easier than some other countries. It makes me so sad that so many women stay in loveless and degrading situations for fear of poverty. There is someone out there for all of us who will love is for whoever we are and no matter how much we weigh. Gather the strength to want the freedom girls. We deserve the best.
Posted @ Monday, September 17, 2012 5:55 PM by Lee
Natalie, Glad to hear that you're getting counseling. Your thinking sounds like it's getting healthier so I can see it's helping. It does sound like he has a lot of work to do and a choice to make about doing it. Always keep in mind that we all have to be willing to look at our part in everything and not just blame the other person. If you've done that and made changes, then it sounds like you've got to begin to set limits on how much longer you'll accept the different forms of abuse from him. Setting boundaries like this can prompt change from the other person. I hope you'll get the guidance from your counselor on how to take those steps. -Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, October 03, 2012 6:46 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
i am 30 years old, and love the act of making love..whereas my huband ,38 years old, does not have an inclination towards sex.we have been married for 7 years now, have a son of 5.we make love only once in 2 or three months.earlier i used to try and seduce him...but this act of seduction by gentel kisses love talk or anything angers him..he gets very furious and abusive : thus i have stopped trying ... this over a period of time has left me very drustrated and with a feeling of incompleteness.... in a way this is leading me into depression.. i want to know how do i arouse him without him knowing i am trying to... i am fairly good looking with a very good figure. people still find me attractive. 
 
Posted @ Wednesday, October 03, 2012 6:56 AM by s s
I have been married to my husband for 20 years and have been made to feel unattractive and worthless for at least the past 10 years and things have gotton really bad in the last 2 years since I had our 6th child. He only ever seems to make a move on me when he knows I will have to turn him down, like when I am on my period or when the children are around. It seems he does this so he can blame the lack of sex as my fault. He is always having digs about my age and weight and I admit that I am overweight (but not obese!) but then again I think it unreasonable of him to expect me to look like I did when I was 21 and hadn't had any children! He also seems to forget that he has aged too and has been overweight for most of our marriage, whereas I have been overweight only since my last child was born. I feel resentful that he is allowed to criticize my looks when I can't say the slightest thing that could be construed as criticism towards him because he would go ballistic and rant and rave at what a bitch I am. This happens often enough without me even trying! The thing is my older children are starting to treat me with the same disrespect and this breaks my heart. I recently gave up my part time job due to childcare issues and now it seems to have got worse. I am made to feel useless that I no longer contribute financially to the household and that I am now only tolerated so I can cook and clean for them, and it is made quite clear on a regular basis that I am not up to their standards. I feel more like a housekeeper than a wife and mum. If I get upset or tearful (which I do quite often) my husband gets nasty and tells me to snap out of it. I can't see anyway out of this. I have no money and nowhere to go. My husband has also made it clear that I can leave if I want, but that I would never see my children again.
Posted @ Tuesday, October 09, 2012 5:32 AM by Rachel
You have all been so open and honest about your relationships I don't know where to start, I have been married 41 years have had ups and downs but in all have been pretty good, however he has had afew emotional affairs why he can't tell me but recently our sex life which was always great is nothing its hard for me to understand how low testostorne can cause no desire or libido he says its him but I have a hard time thing maybe because I'm getting old that I'm unatractive to him anymore he says no but I don't understand how he no can not touch my in any sexual areas says he wants to but can't now what do I do???
Posted @ Friday, November 23, 2012 8:47 PM by deb
Ok read alot of the comments and I keep hearing that husbands lose sexual interest in their wives because of weight issues, im also on this boat, but ladies our husbands dont look as good as they used to either. When my husband and i got married he was physically fit and had hair, now he has a belly and is bald teeth are yellowing as we get older and has a mold in his nose that is growing like a warlock. But, did that stop me from wanting to be with him sexually? NO. Oh but he has a issue with my sexual appetite, M#$%^ F%#$@ should be grateful i'm still here trying to work things out but bottom line he just said "its hard to be with you" Really? Ha, funny cause i may walk in a store or walk down the street and guys are actknowledging my looks. So, its not only you with a physical issue like, wieght or your clothes, it's also like, "hey he's not that good looking either" look closely at your men and you will see what i mean. My husband looks like a half warlock and half turtle, my sister says that her husband looks like a frog. I'm tired of working at this 33 year marriage and nothing changes, but, his face has changed yuk not a pretty sight and i'm not wanting to be with him anymore, i'm in it for financial benefit, yes ladies i said it and it's true, prefer to go shopping and look good then to bother my husband that can't get it erected, starting to think he's gay but na i see he looks at other women and guess what? It stops hurting with time. I have sex it's only that i go solo and is much more satisfying. Good luck ladies.
Posted @ Thursday, November 29, 2012 12:26 PM by maggie
I have been married for 7 yrs and I just had our 3rd child a month ago. My husband tells me he is not attracted to me because my stomach doesnt look the same and he told me he has felt this way ever since I had kids. I still have 10 pounds to get to my pre pregnancy weight which was size 6 to 8. I am back to walking and jogging and fit into half my jeans. While I was pregnant he told me he had an affair for this reason and if I didnt change we were through. He says he loves me but isnt turned on. He doesnt show any affection and sex only a few times in the last year. I love my husband and our 3 beautiful children and am so hurt. He doesnt have a perfect body but I am still attracted to him. In past few yrs he has told me I need to have tummy and breast lift or we are through.
Posted @ Sunday, December 16, 2012 4:46 AM by sad
Hi Sad.  
What your husband has said and done to you is in no way loving. He doesn't love you or he wouldn't do and say these very hurtful things. I feel so sorry that you are in this situation. I would not stay in a relationship like that for the sake of the kids either. I don't know where you live or how hard it is to get out of the marriage but staying in a relationship like this will only eat away at your soul. I walked put of a loveless and abusive marriage with a 5 week old baby..my only regret is that i didnt leave earlier. How dare he threaten you with leaving if you don't look a certain way. Is he perfect? I would bet he is not. Do not stand for this treatment. It is truly soul and spirit destroying. Let him have his preference in someone else. Please find the strength to put him where he belongs, out of your life. You and your little children will be better for it.
Posted @ Sunday, December 16, 2012 4:57 AM by Annie
I am just sick to hear about all the women that are going through the same thing that I am. No-one deserves to be abused and emotional abuse is far worse than physical abuse. I posted back in September and wanted to give an update. I have continued to go to the marriage counselor and he has finally told me that although he considers himself one of the best in his field, he doesn't believe he can save this marriage. He said that my husband has serious bonding issues that will only be helped when he is out of denial and is willing to own up to his own stuff. He is stuck and as long as I stay, I am stuck with him. I keep thinking that if I am just nice enough he will love me again, but at this point he has told me that he no longer loves me and that he wants to date other people. I actually think he might be cheating on me already. He doesn't understand what a divorce will do, but at the same time I'm emotionally preparing myself for the worst. The bad part of this is that I still love him, but I don't love the way he treats me most of the time. In terms of what the Kurt mentioned, I have come to terms with my part in the breakdown of the marriage, but he hasn't owned up to his part. He also won't forgive me out of spite. I wish that his family knew how their abuse has damaged him, but he cannot break the cycle until he feels responsible for his own actions. Right now, everything is still my fault, and I know that is not right. I want to offer my thoughts and prayers for all the women who are in similar situations to me. We all need to find better mates who will treat us as human beings and not force their own inadequacies onto us. I also encourage each of you to find a good counselor to give you some perspective. Happy Holidays everyone, please be good to yourselves and your children, even if your husband isn't!!
Posted @ Sunday, December 16, 2012 8:47 AM by Natalie
Let’s see … I don’t have answers, although I do have the seemingly same problem with my husband. We have been married 3 months now. I do constantly express how important it is for us to stay connected, before we were married and even now. He does not have the sex drive as me and I don’t know if I am in denial or if this will change between us. We have sex once a week although I do all the foreplay and he really doesn’t put any energy into me. I’ve always felt that he loves me as a person and I just wasn’t his type physically . The girls he looks at look nothing like me. They are petite, blond in their 20’s and fake breast. I am opposite I am tall dark hair, natural breast in my late 30’s and I am not stick thin, or fat. His lack of interest has given me a complex and only leads to what I have thought before is that I’m not his type. He claims I am crazy and that is not true … but at the same time he is full of excuses like I’m just tired, Or that I’m the problem because sex is all I think about. Coming from a guy that would masturbate to porn. It’s all getting old. I do believe a man will never turn down a chance for some ass if he really wants it no matter how tired he is and you possibly cannot be too tired for sex every day! Give me a break. That’s like the old “I have a headache honey” shenanigans!!! 
 
I know myself and I KNOW the lack of interest he has in me will only eventually shut me off to him. And kill the attraction. It’s only sexy when I know he wants me as bad as I want him. It’s a turn off knowing that he doesn’t and it’s a more of a chore. And I won’t settle as being a chore . 
Posted @ Thursday, December 20, 2012 3:55 PM by Faith
I'm replying to Shyam specifically. Shyam it sounds like you are from India and you had an arranged marriage and your family and wife are pressuring you to have sex. Your wife thinks your emotional connection will come when you have sex and you want the emotional connection first. All the family interference is making matters worse. I have some familiarity with arranged marriages so I feel your pain. My advice to you with your wife if you haven't already had sex yet. Don't do all the foreplay and whatnot. You are just making her more physically frustrated at this point, especially not oral sex. A lot of men have the misconception that oral sex is a substitute for the real deal. For many women it's just a frustration that you can't get the vaginal sex from him. She will just keep putting more pressure on you. You need to with hold anything except holding hands, on the mouth kissing (and I wouldn't make it too passionate) unless you think it'll make you want to have sex with her. Instead of just coming home from work, try organizing dates with her to get to know her. This is the step that gets skipped in an arranged marriage. Don't concentrate on making her like your music or your interests. Don't concentrate on her having no interests or friends. Concentrate on finding something in common or a connection. Just sitting in the hosue together is not going to generate that! Organize dates outside the house - try different things (not just dinner dates). Try a museum trip - art, science, the outdoors. If she resists telling you she won't be interested, tell her you her to do this to get in the mood. Or tell her if she loved you she would try it. Beg her, plead with her to try. Don't just give up when she's unwilling. She may not realize just how important you think this is if you give up so easily at her unwillingness to try new things with you... Tell her that this "dating" phase is part of your feeling ready to have sex with her and if she really wants that she should not have a problem doing these fun activities. Indian women can be a bit conservative in nature and they can find it hard to do non conservative things and roles, so you have to convince them that it's worth their while. Perhaps tell her that you will buy her something she wants or get her an ice cream if she comes with you to the park, or the museum. Give her a non-sexual incentive to do these things with you, for fun's sake. Show her there are other ways to enjoy your company besides sex. She will go along temporarily at least. That will give you enough time to get to know her out of the context of the bedroom and also when you are out she cannot put so much sexual pressure on you. You can just hold hands and talk and develop more feelings for one another. Encourage her to talk about her past, her child hood. Things you could connect on that are not about sex. Right now she is focused on that because it is the thing you are depriving her of. And also her family is probably asking her every day if she's had sex yet and if she's pregnant yet. So what you do not realize is that she is probably under a lot of pressure and feels a lot of shame and blame for not getting you to do it. She may even think on some level it is her own fault and is now trying to blame you instead so she doesn't have to live with the guilt and shame of it. So keeping this in mind, perhaps try these ideas. I hope I am not too late to have helped you.
Posted @ Tuesday, February 19, 2013 1:42 PM by Replytoshyam
I hate to say that it is a good thing to hear others are in the same boat as myself but the truth is, it is the only type of support I get by being able to understand others plight (sp). I've been with my husband for 17 years, we have 2 children together. I'm 20 lbs less than I was when we started dating and even more so since we got married. My husband is about the same size (300lbs and 6'). I'm a size 12 with DD breasts. My husband says he is not attracted to me because i need to loose weight???? We haven't had sex in almost a year and will go years, yes years, without having sex even if I try to entice him. It has always been about him. I can't even say that I've enjoyed the sex we have had because of it. He will tell me I'm not agressive enough or too agressive. He says I never tell him what I want but when I do, he won't do it or if he is, then he will immediately stop. He will play off being the loving husband when others around but then immediately change when we are alone. The strange thing is, he likes to watch me dress and undress. I've even tried to make a game or a strip tease out of undressing but he just says that I'm being silly. He hardly ever gives me any time alone. I'm surprised that I have a few minutes today without him or the kids (hasn't happened in several years). I'm at the point where I suspect he may be gay. I don't believe that he is having an affair only because he is always around me or our children. I don't even know what to think or do any longer. We tried counseling but he didn't think he had a problem. He always makes snide comments to me and talks over me all the time. My friends have made several comments about his behavior with me. I'm thinking of leaving him. I work a high stress job where I'm always in control, I'm in control of the kids at home, I run our household, etc....I told my husband that I would like to not be in control of some part of my life (mainly sex) but nothing changes. I'm so willing to do whatever he says but he doesn't want that. I have thought about getting a divorce but I hate to even think that way. Any suggestions from others would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading :(
Posted @ Sunday, March 10, 2013 12:03 PM by tap
This is reassuring to me, but also saddens me too. My husband and I just got married about a month ago and we never have sex. He doesn't want blow jobs or hand jobs and like some said, every day I feel less sufficient and I feel so unattractive. I am 20 and he is 21. Our sex before was so fun and careless and now we have to plan it, and even then, it is so not enjoyable. I tried lingerie and weird things, but the only that seems to turn him on is that he wants me to flirt with guys and him watch and that cuckold stuff...But never me, I just don't turn him on. I think that a husband should be attracted to his wife and love her. And us girls have more feeling behind sex then guys do, so it hurts more when rejected. I know I am aesthetically pleasing to most others (not being cocky!!) but he's the only one that matters, and he could care less. What can I do? And we can't afford a sex councler. I just feel so hurt and alone.
Posted @ Wednesday, April 10, 2013 11:39 PM by A-girl25
Wow! What I can offer many of you is to answer why this type of rejection hurts so much. It is because when we marry we are to become one in mind, heart, soul and BODY. We prepare our self to give over to another person our very being that is what this union is about. What mates forget is that what is said or done to the other mate is now an extension of how you feel about yourself. The only way to survive this cruel treatment is mentally find separation and create nonunion in your heart to match the abandonment of your mate and take care of your self. Take the best care of you and your children until they get the point or they leave you free to move on. Don't let anyone dictate to you your value and your worth. Do you first and then you will be able to do what you need for your children. THE POWER IS IN YOU TO CHOOSE TO BELIEVE OTHERS LIES OR THE TRUTH THAT YOU SHOULD BE TREATED WITH RESPECT. THIS IS YOUR RIGHT.
Posted @ Monday, April 22, 2013 9:50 PM by Jenjen
I have been in a long term relationship for 3 years now. Our sex life is almost nonexistent. Maybe once every 3 weeks if I'm lucky. We have never had a very satisfying sexual relationship. But it was something I was willing to live with because I truly love him. Bug as of late he has had back surgery and it has been almost 4 months since his surgery. By in the last 3weeks he has decided to start masturbating to porn. Won't touch me because he says "his back is still healing" . But 2 weeks after surgery he was wanting to have sex. I don't understand if it is the porn fetish he has got going or if he just don't find me attractive anymore. When I asked him if he was still sexually attractived to me he blew up and said I was trying to pick a fight. I love this man and we have a pretty good relationship otherwise. I am turning 40 in a couple of months and I am already feeling depressed about that. His lack of interest in me is starting to wear me down. Not to mention he plays a computer game.....he will play this game for hours and hours ignoring everyone in the house. And he talks to different people that are in his "guild". Which most of them are female. He has gone so far as getting their cell numbers and texting these woman. I have never cheated on him but I'm afraid all the rejection is going to drive me into someone else arms. How do I get him yo be the person HD was 3 years go?
Posted @ Tuesday, April 23, 2013 9:20 AM by Boo Bear
I've only been married for less than a month. I am no spring chicken (66), but I am fairly attractive for a woman of my age. The problem is that my husband watches a lot of porn and he seems to be attracted to women with movie star good looks. I surely don't look like a movie star, and he doesn't realize that porn stars are usually either very young or their faces are airbrushed to make them look more appealing. I realize that men are more visually oriented than women, but it's hard to accept the fact that he only wants to make love to me while watching porn (ugh). I am sure he's not having an affair because he comes home regularly every day, but I'm the one who is contemplating having an affair because I don't think my husband finds me attractive enough.
Posted @ Wednesday, April 24, 2013 7:41 AM by Genie
It's not an attractiveness issue as such but rather the process of being turned on by porn is different and more intense than with partner sex. Men get conditioned to only be aroused by porn and find that without it they suffer from low desire which can cause ejaculation and erection difficulties. He could be married to one of those women with the movie star looks and he would still suffer from this porn conditioning. How many men married to beautiful women have been caught using porn or prostitutes- you hear about this all the time. Heavy porn users also get hooked on sexual variety changing the type of sex acts and people involved depending on how he feels that day. It's like going into a restaurant and choosing from the menu. So having sex with the same person over and over can be like eating the same meal over and over. Whether or not you are attractive and whether or not the women in the porn he watches are attractive is beside the point. Porn today comes in an unlimited variety of genres- fat girls, hairy girls, ugly girls, transsexuals, amateur couples, grannies etc etc. So guys like watching the Hollywood type pornobabes but many men don't like that and would rather watch more everyday looking types because in the porn fantasy these seem more sexually accessible. My point is whether he likes hot women or fat ugly women he still gets conditioned by the porn arousal process itself rather than the type of woman he is watching and because this arousal process is so different from partner sex in real life he cannot get aroused enough to perform adequately and so needs porn to help during sex with a partner. Sometimes this works but more often it doesn't because the nature of the porn fantasies cannot be shared with a wife or girlfriend without interfering with the porn arousal process and so most men don't like sharing their porn with anyone and can't get aroused even by porn when there is someone else in the room while they watch it.
Posted @ Wednesday, April 24, 2013 8:21 AM by Anon
My LATE husband used to say that the reason some men who are married to beautiful women stray with women who are plain Janes because the plain Janes represent someone "new." I guess what you're saying here is that men who are used to becoming aroused by watching porn find it hard to become aroused by their partners not because they don't find their partners attractive but because they need porn in order to find complete satisfaction. Perhaps I should consider myself fortunate that my husband feels comfortable enough with me to watch the porn which turns him on with me, as opposed to masturbating alone. My ex (NOT my late husband) was one of the types you described who preferred watching pornographic videos of average-looking women. Nevertheless, he is definitely "addicted to" porn. All I know is that, since porn is so accessible to men these days, men have used porn as a crutch and their women are the ones who suffer because of it. Women just aren't that visually oriented, so watching men masturbate just doesn't do it for most women, including me. That's why I joked about thinking of having an affair with someone else.
Posted @ Wednesday, April 24, 2013 10:05 AM by Genie
Sorry, I mistyped... I meant to write that my late husband used to say the reason men who are married to beautiful women stray with plain Janes IS THAT the plain Janes represent something NEW.
Posted @ Wednesday, April 24, 2013 10:08 AM by Genie
The two points I was trying to make are 1)heavy porn users get conditioned to only be aroused by porn and not real life sex. There are a few reasons for this but yes the need for sexual variety is right near the top of the list 
and 2)you are fortunate that you are still having sex with a man who is a heavy porn user as most of these men come to prefer porn over partner sex especially in a long term relationship and the fact he shares the porn with you which for heavy porn users is very unusual.
Posted @ Wednesday, April 24, 2013 10:52 AM by Anon
Dear Anon, 
 
Although I agree that SOME heavy porn users become conditioned to only become sexually aroused by porn, there are some heavy porn users in existence who seem to require that their partners participate in their porn "addiction." I happen to have met two of these men, and both of them actually delighted in my watching porn with them and liked to share their pornographic preferences with me. I don't know why this is the case, but I suspect it's because I'm a relatively open-minded, highly sexed woman. My ex-lover was able to get turned on by only me, even though he was a porn aficionado. My current, new husband seems to require both the porn and me, which is somewhat of a disappointment. But, at least he has sex with me unlike some of the men depicted by a number of women on this site. I just hope the sex will continue; otherwise, I might have to go back to my ex just for sex. At this juncture, you're probably wondering why I didn't just stay with my ex. Well, the reason is a no brainer... he had this nasty habit of cheating on me and then telling me all about his escapades, perhaps believing that by confessing he wasn't really cheating - not so. After going to therapy, I learned that fabulous sex wasn't enough and that I deserved a man who was capable of love (something my ex had no clue about). I know my husband loves me, but he sure loves his porn, too!
Posted @ Wednesday, April 24, 2013 12:23 PM by Genie
The men you describe are not heavy porn users. The very definition of a heavy user is a man who uses porn and masturbation as his primary sexual outlet whether they have a ready and willing real life partner or not. Yes, some men can walk the fine line between porn use and still being able to perform with a partner but these guys not what would be described as heavy users. As hard as it is for women to understand for many men, especially those in long term relationships the intensity of the sexual experience and the variety of fantasy partners is simply more pleasurable that having sex with someone you have lived with for years and years. This is why porn is a billion dollar business.
Posted @ Wednesday, April 24, 2013 12:36 PM by Anon
Dear Anon, 
 
I'm in my 60's and I can assure you that I am capable of distinguishing a heavy porn user from an occasional one. The men I am describing definitely ARE heavy porn users. My ex even calls himself "Captain Video." And, my current husband has only been with me for a few months, so it's not as though he has lived with me for years and he needs to use porn with me in order to attain satisfaction. On the other hand, my late husband lived with me for almost 25 years and he was just an occasional porn user. Maybe this is why we lasted as long as we did. I do concur with you that some men can walk the fine line between porn use and still being able to perform with partners, but some of these same men ARE heavy porn users.
Posted @ Wednesday, April 24, 2013 1:57 PM by Genie
As an afterthought, in case my last post was unclear (sometimes I type faster than I think), what I meant to say is that my new husband needs to use porn with me in order to achieve sexual satisfaction. He wants to include me in the process, but this means I have to watch porn and have sex whether I want to or not.
Posted @ Wednesday, April 24, 2013 1:59 PM by Genie
WOW.. Where do I start.. I am not in a sexless relationship, we talk about trying new things to help spice up our sex life. .We have been together for 11 years now and we will be married at the end of the summer, we work through our relationship (Believe me sometimes we want to strangle each other).. I have read so many comments from woman who desperately wants the attention from their own husbands.. ladies, I m sorry, but they are men and they are getting somewhere! Why would you want to be with someone that makes you feel so insecure about yourself that you have to change your appearance.. If a REAL man loves you, they would except you for they way you are. So you change your appearance and he still does not want anything to do with you, except to talk and be good friends, then guess what. .You are friends and that is it.. Not a couple.. I know you love your husbands and would do anything for them, however, ask yourself the same question, what has he done for you? I would not invest in a relationship with someone that is not attracted to me and made me feel like crap about myself and there is no room for sex! I rather be single than put up with a man that does not love me and lets face it ladies, they are cheating and I do not have to time for that kind of drama, and that is devastating to go through, just pure hell to learn he is pleasing someone other woman. I saw a post from a man earlier saying he is not attracted to his wife and never has sex with her nor does he cheat on her either.. Bravo on the cheating part.. But, you never stay with someone because of the kids.. You are missing out on you and you taking away from Her part as well. Let her move on so she can find the love she needs. Ladies, you are beautiful they way you are, fat, skinny, lazy etc. You do not change because of him! You change for self..
Posted @ Saturday, May 04, 2013 12:27 PM by Heidi
Well said Heidi. I agree totally.. I find so many more women in this situation than men. It's always he woman who is expected to change. Sadly men never seem to be happy with what they have. They look at and ogle a woman who looks nothing like heir partner which begs me to ask the question, why did they choose their partner in the first place if they are not what they really desire? If they only stay because of he fear of he financial cost, who is that hurting? Australia does not have the adultery penalties like other countries so I know of a lot of men who cheat on their partners just because they can. It is very sad. I know there are women who cheat too but the odds are higher that a man is going to cheat before a woman. I admire Miranda ker. In an interview once she was asked, what would you say to the men who wish their wives looked like you? Her quick response was, I'd say be grateful for what you have. I really liked that response. People aren't grateful anymore, cheating is too easy. The emotional and soul destroying cost is severely under estimated.
Posted @ Saturday, May 04, 2013 4:17 PM by Annie
@Heidi " Ladies, you are beautiful they way you are, fat, skinny, lazy etc. You do not change because of him! You change for self.." 
 
Yes change for yourself, and ONLY for yourself, but understand that physical beauty IS based upon popular comparison, and "feeling" beautiful is not the same as being considered beautiful by others a larger volume of population would consider physically attractive. It is a terrible truth in the world. While there some room for individual taste, that is not a catch-all to assume that there is no generalized standard of beauty. It tends to run hand in hand with physical health and fitness, and a good degree of self-respect. 
 
Change for yourself, but never stop training your body and mind to be capable of competition. In my experience, that solves 99% of these "problems" with spouses. 
 
If you want yourself to feel beautiful, you owe it to yourself to train, eat, and live like you are beautiful.
Posted @ Thursday, May 16, 2013 1:13 PM by humantarget
I fear how my husband is tempted by thoughts of other younger women even though I am 9 years younger than him. I feel maybe my loosing weight would help him with this. I am very over weight. Even so, I get attention from many men. Which is odd since men are visually stimulated. So maybe there are men who like over weight women who are still curvy? He is also overweight (as much as I). I am going to try to loose all this weight I put on after babies were born. I am blessed that even though I am very heavy I am not shapeless. He gives me attention. Even though he has heart disease ! I am very game. Never hide myself from him, and even try to find ways to tempt him. He is a turn on. Even his skin is appealing to me , I like him and love him. But he did share he is very tempted with thoughts of women he sees and he doesn't want to be. I feel somehow this is my fault -I let him down somehow. I told him this - he assures me that its not the reason. So I'm thinking weight loss would help with this. But I am over 40 now. Eventually just loosing weight will not help . The fear I feel at loosing my gorgeous, handsome, best friend scares me into despondency. Although he shares his temptations with me - he let me know loosing me would devastate him. We are great companions. But we are getting older , his body image is visually tempting to me (his weight doesn't bother me at all) Contrary to every woman I ever spoken to I need to see and touch my man to get aroused(not the other way around! Also he mentions how wonderful it is to touch a hard breast. Having sex with a hard young body. He has also talked about other women who have wrinkles on their face –”eww!” he will say. This scares the heck outta me. My wrinkles are just beginning to appear. I try not to think about these desires and memories , but sometimes its hard not to . My aging body can not compete with this. Neither can his. I do not think this way. I never think “Ah how wonderful it was to touch a young hard penis. Or feel a young hard body!” I am sure no one will be able to help me with this. So I guess I'm blowing off steam. But I'm not giving up. So I will loose the rest of the weight ( he asks if I loose it will I leave him!???) yikes , when he says that I am convinced my weight is a trial for him!
Posted @ Thursday, May 23, 2013 9:07 AM by Olderwoman
Friends, 
i've been married for almost 3 yrs. from beginning itself he is not interested in sex. actually we had real sex 1 week after marriage. in the first few weeks we had sex twice or sometimes thrice in a week. later it reduces to once in a week. that too is very short like 5 minutes . he hardly cares my feelings. we have sex only in weekends. He is not interested in having sex with me. i dont know whether he is not interested in me or sex. he comes to me once in a week only for me. actually he doesnt want that too. now we have 6 months old baby.he doesnt want baby at dat time. but i badly need her.but now he loves her and he needs me in his life. but not for sex. i dont know his real problem. i'm attractive and he is also good looking. friends please help me with ur replies.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 29, 2013 6:13 AM by malu
I am married 24 years to my man and two nights ago he said that he considers what we have a "Partnership" and that he has NEVER been physically attracted to me. I go to the gymn, at 68 I work out still 3 times a week, my body is firm, my brests sag, but really the old guys at the gymn try to hit on me. I am crushed, he told his cardiologist that he has a "very active sexual life" when I later asked with whom he said."My immagination and five fingered lilly in the shower every morning" Truly I do not know what to do/?
Posted @ Wednesday, May 29, 2013 6:36 PM by Leah
Leah, That's really heartbreaking to hear. As you can see fromt eh comments above, you;re not the only woman to be told this. Obviously, there are some problems in your marriage that haven't been dealt with for a while. You need to go to a professional counselor, together or by yourself, to begin to address them and get some direction. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, June 04, 2013 2:45 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
I'm not attracted to my wife at all. Since we've been married (32 years) she has put on about 65+ pounds and I cannot feign sexual attraction. We stopped having sex a long time ago not because of me but because she lost interest. She told me one day that she just never thinks of it ever. On the very, very rare time we do have sex (frankly, because I need it), she just lays there until I'm done. So much for a Christian marriage, right?
Posted @ Wednesday, June 12, 2013 4:19 PM by Anonymous
I have been going through so much lately! I have put on a lot of weight lately because of menopause and now my husband says " I love you but I'm not attracted to you" I am deviated ... I have always been pretty and know that I could turn heads but now!!! I feel pathetic .. My husband even told me I was so fat that he refused to have sex with me... I can't understand how a person can say that he loves me but not attracted to me! I guess my love sees things differently! Idk...
Posted @ Saturday, June 29, 2013 11:38 AM by Theresa
I am not attracted to my wife anymore. I'm 32 and she's 29, and we are 6 years together, and as for me, the only reason is her being overweight. she's 220lb/4.95ft and we don't have children. When we met she was fat (much less) but still had the 'beauty of youth'. I had my share of porn, but it's easy to introspect and find that porn is a symptom, not a cause. I no longer consume porn and my lack of attraction to her didn't change since. I do believe that humans are polygynous, and natural human family structure is harem-like
Posted @ Sunday, July 07, 2013 4:10 PM by Giorgio
To the man that's not attracted to their wife for being overweight. Wow, you're a rather shallow Piece of crap. Why don't you just admit you're penis is too small & you're brain is equally as small...oh wait samething. Do the world a favor & walk in front of a train!
Posted @ Friday, August 09, 2013 6:21 PM by anon
Women should all gather together grab all the men not attracted to their wives for the weight & looks & put them into consentration/death camps like Hitler did. Hitler had the right idea but wrong people.
Posted @ Friday, August 09, 2013 6:28 PM by men are jerks
I am an attractive female who has been with the same guy for 22 years. He stopped having sex with me 5 years plus. He used every excuse in the book. For a while I thought he had medical issues because he is 57. I did find out that he has been hiding porn and maybe other things. What happens is that they switch out you for a fantasy world. You will never be enough for them as long as they are into massive porn. The porn is only part of the problem as many men and couples can enjoy porn and still have sex. I now have a timeline written out. If my husband can't get off the porn and turn his attention back to me, I am going to start to see other people and will not give a hoot if he is hurt or finds out. They left you for pixels and you have the right to be loved
Posted @ Saturday, August 10, 2013 10:50 AM by Pity pine
I married 9 months out of high school, and I have been married now for almost 25 years. Our sex life started out tumultuous and still is. My husband has never found my body attractive. I was super thin when we got married, and now I am heavier but not overweight. It is sad that I feel the need to explain this. Usually if a husband finds his wife unattractive, it seems that some feel it is because the wife has let herself go or has somehow caused the issue. I have now come to realize that my husband is never going to find me attractive. I am not trying to entirely paint a pessimistic attitude, but after 25 agonizing years of trying to figure what is wrong with me, I have discovered that while I am no where near perfect, it is not my issue anymore. I don't know if I will ever get over marrying someone who finds my body unattractive. I have given him everything that I have. But, I do know that I am who I am, and I have nothing to be ashamed of! I do cry from time to time about it, but I cannot change how he feels. He likes me, and he says he loves me...weird. I will never take his breath away though although I have seen other women do so. If I stay married to him, then this is my cross to bear. I am not in favor of divorce as I am extremely loyal, and I do not want to divide my family. I am happy to say that my only son compliments his fiancee all the time. It blesses me to see him find someone that he thinks is beautiful. And, my daughter is so gorgeous! I have been blessed with beautiful children!
Posted @ Wednesday, September 11, 2013 10:58 PM by Lee
My heart sunk so far down just reading,skimming and scrolling through the countless comments about women going through the same thing is am going through. I just want all you ladies to know that there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. NOTHING! Men, in my belief, have become so infatuated with their own ideas of what the perfect women is. They want a supermodel or something. Guys: if that's what you fantasizes about, why didn't you just go out and find one?!!!!!
Posted @ Wednesday, October 09, 2013 2:03 AM by Elizabeth
Gift, this is so sad. DO NOT turn to lightening your skin. This can cause so many health problems for you. I don't know what sort of culture you are from but is divorce an option? I really don't see a lot of hope for sexless marriages. I know myself that I am now at the point where I don't know if I want my husband to sort things out with himself. I don't know how I feel anymore. It's been too long. This is what men have to be careful of, you can't treat a woman carelessly and expect to pick up where you left off when you feel better about yourself. To you gift, you are who you are. It's your husbands loss. Let him have I 
His past if that's what he really want. Move on. Rejection eats away at the soul and no one should HAVE to live with that.
Posted @ Wednesday, December 04, 2013 4:16 PM by Lee
I dated my beloved husband for less than 2months before we had our traditional marriage in July, my husband tells me of how unattractive I am to him because am not light skinned. He chat every day with his ex girl and deletes their chat afterwards. He tells me there is nothing between them anymore but he doesn't act it. Once I deleted her from his contact and he cried bitterly like I plugged out one of his eye.  
He is always too tired to touch me(have sex). He says repeatedly that am not light skinned. Am wandering if he was blindfolded when he proposed to me and even paid my bride's price.  
Am tired of been unhappy, what do I do. He doesn't love me anymore. I feel I should tone my skin a bit to look attractive for him. I hope this decision isn't the most foolish anyone would be taking.
Posted @ Wednesday, December 04, 2013 5:40 PM by GIFT
My husband is older than me (about 13 years). Although he is oder and I think he is so attractive, I am clearly the more attractive partner. He onlyhas ex with me about 2 tims a month and he very very rarely initiates it. I have communicated everything to him, as I am an otherwiswe confident woman. I hate that tis akes me feel bad about me and when I talk to him about it, he seems to get more confident from it, almost like a power trip. I even told him,I hav no interest in other men but, I am very exual, I am 29 and very attractive. When is the cutoff? If our sex lives are like this at 2 years in, what is in store for us? He seems to listen, says it is my fault because I am mouthy and continuces not to have sex with me.....what do I do?
Posted @ Sunday, July 13, 2014 6:58 PM by Not so unattractive
Not So, You may have hit on something with "almost like a power trip." Sex often can become more about power or way to hurt the other person more than about sex. But I wonder for what other reasons he's not interested - most men want what you're offering. You need to speak with a professional counselor like myself to uncover the true reasons. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, July 29, 2014 7:15 AM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
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