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"Husband Not Interested" Wife Tells Marriage Counselor

  
  
  
  

Husband Not Interested

Part 1 of 2

Q: Husband not interested. After 6 years of marriage and breastfeeding 2 kids, my breasts don't look like before, and now husband is not interested in me. My husband asked me to do plastic surgery. I couldn't do it. I was thinking about my kids and the long-term effect on my body. The thing is now I hate my body, but I don't want to do plastic surgery. Now my husband not interested in sleeping with me. I think my husband doesn't find me sexy. -- Mileena

A: You're probably right when you say "my husband doesn't find me sexy" and that's why you've got a husband not interested.  The reason why is probably more complicated than you realize.  Most likely you've got a husband not interested in me for 2 reasons: 

1) The changes in your body. Men have told me, and have commented on this blog, that they do struggle with being sexually attracted to their wives, most often because their wife is overweight.  Being completely honest, what else could you change about yourself to be more attractive to your husband?  What else do you hate about your body?

2) The second reason Mileena has a husband not interested is a big one for a lot of wives and husbands, and so we'll discuss it in the next post -- "My Husband Watches Porn"

Dissatisfaction with sex is common in relationships.  The reasons are many and differ for each couple.  Several causes are most frequent and Mileena's body change is one of them.  Husband not interested is not the only way sexual problems go though, because even more frequently it's wives not interested.  Here's another post on the subject husband not interested in me: My Husband Has No Interest In Sex.

-- Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor

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Comments

So what happens when she looses the weight? Although she never said she was over weight. She talked about her breasts primarily. Women are going to get older and things are going to hapen to their bodies. Especially if they have kids. Is the only advice we are ever going to be is to women about how to "fix" their bodies to make him happy? That is so frustrating Kurt. I often hear people give advice that men just want to be accepted. Well so do women. For their beauty and the parts that might not be perfect. Perhaps her weight or breasts aren't the issue at all. perhaps it's him. Perhaps he has ED. Perhaps he is only turned on by certain women do to social and porn conditioning.
Posted @ Saturday, May 19, 2012 4:37 PM by EM
So, he is telling her what he wants from her. I hope he at least said he wanted her to look like a model body in a halfway respectful manner. After all, is he a stellar image of masculine prime beefcake? Or is he sitting around nursing a beer gut while expecting his woman to match his personal fantasies? What work has he been willing to do on getting closer to her emotionally, training himself to see her as sexy and ready for sex, rather than allow himself to change his image of her so he no longer has to complete for her affection after she spends hours with children? A quick fix of weight and boob job ain't gonna touch his lazy and entitled attitude. Maybe they could hit the exercize TOGETHER, and reconnect while trying to enjoy each other's real life company, and work on the relationship rather than his fantasy island.
Posted @ Tuesday, June 05, 2012 1:29 PM by AM
Married 40 plus years and my husband lost interest in me just after we were married. There hasn't been any love, intimacy or sex foe all these years. He won't associate or even talk to me. He lives by himself in the basement and I the upstairs. He also has worked every day on the midnight shift. In my 60s now and really don't care what he does. I hate him and all men.
Posted @ Sunday, February 17, 2013 10:14 AM by Amy
My husband wants me to have a boob job tummy tuck and lipo I've lost over 45 pounds since getting married and having our first child although I'm still 30 pounds heavier than when we first started dating when I was 16  
I am by no means happy with my body my stomachs is covered with stretch marks with some extra skin and I have some sagging. But Jesus I'm 23 years old and I am now saving every last penny I can earn to have a 15000 dollar "mommy makeover" my husband 26 is weighing in at a whopping 240 pounds.... Not all muscle, putting it mildly  
I'm still attracted to him I wouldn't rather watch porn wtf? So my question is even if I have the surgery even if I become this fantasy in his head eventually will his fantasy change? Should I continue to save our now sexless marriage or is it just doomed and I should get out while I'm still young?
Posted @ Friday, February 22, 2013 2:26 AM by J
J, I don't think your husband will be happy with anything. He should love and accept you the way you are. You shouldn't have to get all kinds of surgery done to your body for him to be happy with you. It sounds like he has unrealistic expectations. especially because he doesn't sound like he is in super model shape himself. Please don't put your life in danger just to have some ideal unrealistic body. He should be thankful that your body helped to nuture and make your child together. 
 
I would suggest that you both go get professional help if you want the relationship to last. But if he doesn't want to work on anything, don't waste your time. You're young and have your whole life infront of you.
Posted @ Friday, February 22, 2013 11:16 AM by Erin
Erin,  
Thank you and we have made an appointment to see a marriage counselor. My husband and I have grown to be so different and even thought we have so much love for eachother I know that we are no longer in love. Hopefully a professional will be able to help us but if not at least I will know I've done everything I could possibly do to save our marriage I'm just so scarred that I'm going to end up being one of these sixty something year old women who hate there husbands and regret their life decisions.
Posted @ Friday, February 22, 2013 3:02 PM by J
I don't think you will be one of those sixty year old women that hate their husbands. Do you know why? Because you are only 23 years old and you realize there is a problem *now*. As you grown and mature, you will be able to keep your eyes open for how your relationships progresses. I'm not gaurenteeing you that your marriage will last. I unfortunetly can't tell you that. BUT you seem mature for your age and if you see your relationship going down a path you don't like, *you* have the control to work on that and change it.  
 
That's great that your going to a counselor. I personally think that people can fall out of love and back in love again. But first is seeing if you can work through this problem. Then comes the reconnecting and reromancing which can be exciting and new on a different level from anything you experienced since your relationship will be in a different place then when you first met and fell in love. 
 
I really hope it works out for you guys. But if it doesn't, I think you will be strong enough to find your happiness. It might sound stupid coming from a stranger but you are a worthwhile person that deserves to be loved and valued for who you are, exactly the way you are. So is your husband. Usually men that don't show respect or love to their wives, don't feel like they as men deserve love or respect either.
Posted @ Friday, February 22, 2013 6:42 PM by Erin
Erin,  
Thank you for your comments it really means a lot hearing those things from someone who doesn't even know me. It's nice being able to confide in someone who seems so genuine. Any of my friends I've spoken to about the situation tell me to just leave him. My mom thinks he is too good for me I just need to deal with whatever he throws my way and wait on him hand and foot. So thank you for not judging and just being a really nice person. Although it may have only seemed like minutes at a keyboard to you I think your responses were exactly what I needed to hear and I truly appreciate it.
Posted @ Friday, February 22, 2013 8:58 PM by J
I'm glad for that J. I think culturally, a lot of people (men and women) have bought into the idea porn is just something men do and something women just need to accept. And that's just plain wrong. I am sure porn works fine in some relationships and I am sure there are women, especially today with how normalized porn has become, that enjoy it themselves. But it's like anything else in a relationship, you shouldn't just accept something that you simply can't. Some people can't accept smokers. Others want to be with people of the same faith. Wanting porn in your life or not is a reasonable thing to set standards for. Unfortunetly, a lot of men aren't honest about their porn use. I think even especially with themselves. It's very rare for men to damit that they may have a porn addiction. I suspect porn addiction is much more rampet than we culturally talk about. I suspect that it's hard for a lot of men to admit that they don't have control over their sexuality and that pornography has a hold on them.  
 
Although, the good news is that I have hearad stories of men that gave up porn and where even suprised themselves about how much happier they felt and how their expectations went back to what would be healthy. 
 
So that might be why your friends tell you to leave him alone. Because they have bought into the lie about how we socially think of porn.  
 
I don't want to put your Mom down but shame on her! No person is sooooo much better than another that they should ignore their needs or the kind of life they want to live. Don't ever believe that your husband is somehow *better* than you. That's not true at all. You are equals in an equal relatoinship.  
 
As long as your husband is willing to put in the effort to fix things, you are on the right track.
Posted @ Saturday, February 23, 2013 9:03 AM by Erin
Im having the same problem with my boy friend. When we got together i told him i dont want porn or him to watch it if he wanted to be with me and he agreed. Yold him my last bpyfriend treated me bad with porn by telling me im ugly and i should look like the girls on tv. He said hes not like all men and hes not into it. Weve been together five years and jyst had a baby two months ago. I checked the history in his pjone and hes been looming up porn a lot. Even the time i was in the hospital after having the baby. That really hurts. I feel not wanted and ugly. i lost fifty pounds and i shpuld feel good about myself. And hes almost 300 pounds. What hurts the most is we dont have muchof a sex life. For months i couldnt get him off by havi g sex. Only for play. I have been feeling like hes not into me for a long time and now i find porn on his phone. he says he didnt do it. He said someone hacked into his google account . I used my cell phone to look thrpugh his emails by logging into his gmail on my phone and i could view them but it wont show the history. he thinks im a fool. You can only view the phones history on the phone your looking up.
Posted @ Saturday, March 30, 2013 8:07 PM by Rachel
Well my husband agreed to stop watching porn it's been about a month now and I've seen a huge difference in our sex life it went from us having sex twice a month to now he wants it every day it's insane but keep in mind we went 4 years with it being maybe 2 times a month and then I told him I was done wanted a divorce and him to move out before he "realized" the reason we weren't having sex was because he was watching porn and jerking it everyday  
Things have def gotten better for us since he has agreed to stop watching it and he is now able to keep it hard having sex but I still hold a lot of resentment towards him
Posted @ Saturday, March 30, 2013 10:45 PM by Judy
i need concealing help .. 
will you help me???
Posted @ Wednesday, May 29, 2013 7:22 AM by PRAMOD VANJARE
What's wrong PRAMOD VANJARE?
Posted @ Wednesday, May 29, 2013 9:08 AM by J
My problem I have caught my husband several times not only watching porn but reading it when I ask why he said he was board and tries to hide it from me feel less of a person like when we do have sex it's not me he wants I confronted him today he says he don't want me to leave him but it was my choice if I wanted to go but nither of us know where to go from here to fix this we go from me almost begging for sex to him wanting it all the time so I know some things up he lies about it will delete it off his phone I don't have a problem watching it sometimes as a couple I do have a problem with be lied to and keeping securits where do we go from here or is it just too late to fix it
Posted @ Wednesday, September 18, 2013 3:50 PM by sam
J- 
I don't think it's too late to fix things I've been going through this with my husband for a while he has even admitted to me that he is just more attracted to the women in the videos than me he has also just mentioned I need to loose weight which I would prob agree with if I wasn't 8 months preggo it's gotten to the point with him watching porn to where it really bothers me I used to not care like at all but then he started lying about it and watching at work then came me feeling judged by him whether its my hair makeup or choice of clothes it sucks but I think the porn makes it hard for him to make a connection between love and intamacy I guess I'm not the best person to be giving you advice but if its bothering you go to counciling because if your man is anything like mine it's easier for him to open up and tell how he really feels infront of a marriage counsellor it's not a fun place to be and I relate with what your going through I hope you get through it with some self confidence left I haven't figured that one out yet good luck and I'm truly sorry your having to deal with this every women is and should feel beautiful
Posted @ Wednesday, September 18, 2013 4:05 PM by Judy
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