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"My Husband Has No Interest In Sex With Me" - Here's What To Do

Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Tue, Jul 17, 2012
  
  
  
  
  

My Husband Has No Interest In Sex With MeQ: My husband has no interest in sex with me. I've been married to this good guy for 26 years.  Great friend and wonderful father to our two elementary school aged children.  He's always had a low libido.  For the past 5 or more years he's had E.D. on top of it.  He's seen medical doctors but even with prescriptions he has no interest in sex with me!  I'm in my late 40's and feel like I'm wasting the prime of my life in a sexless marriage.  I've been seeing an individual counselor for over a year and she had encouraged me to get him in counseling or us both in marriage counseling.  I've done the research...he won't make the appointment.  We communicate well but he makes no effort to resolve this problem.  I feel like he knows I'm trapped.    He is making me choose between our family and a sexless life.  It makes me angry.  Help.  What do you suggest?  --Renee B.

A: Feeling trapped is a common feeling for a lot of spouses -- not just wives, but men too.  And it's easy to feel angry when we feel trapped.

I can't say at this point exactly why your husband has no interest in sex or won't go to marriage counseling.  But I can tell you having worked with men with erectile dysfunction and other sexual performance problems, embarrassment and shame can be big contributors to their not wanting to talk to a counselor.

However, my guess would be that there's more going on here than just his having no interest in sex and not wanting to talk about it.  A lot of men use not going to counseling as a way to have power and control in the relationship.  And unfortunately, a lot of wives don't realize how they hand this power right over to their husbands.  I hear you surrendering power in the statement "he won't make the appointment."

I'm glad to hear that you're working with a counselor.  You're a step ahead of a lot of wives who surrender their power to do even that.

Here's what I suggest you do:

  1. Tell him you're going to marriage counseling, with or without him, but you'd like him to come with you.
  2. Give him the option to have input on choosing the counselor and meeting time.  Give him 24 hours to give you his feedback.
  3. If he gives you none, then go ahead and choose the counselor and make the appointment.
  4. Let him know what day and time the meeting is scheduled for and the location.  Tell him he can meet you there.
  5. Don't say anything else about it and go to the meeting.

I can tell you that more than a few guys want to come to tell their side of the story.  Even if he doesn't come, he'll probably be curious to know if you really went.  There are ways to discover why your husband has no interest in sex, so stop feeling trapped and learn how to change your sexless marriage.

--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor

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Comments

i want give love marriage and give good loving
Posted @ Thursday, March 25, 2010 11:30 PM by Muhammad Naseem
Muhammad - Glad to hear it.
Posted @ Thursday, April 08, 2010 10:55 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
I've had no interest in sex,love,intimacy since first married 40 plus years ago, Why we married I have no idea. After having sex the first few times, I became really bored with it, Like were done, thats all, whats next. The first 15 years we had sex maybe 25 or 30 times and the next 25 years plus we hadn't had any. To this day I find no use for sex, love intimacy. I don't like being touched by any one. Shaking hands is difficult. My wife has been lonely and depressed for years. Early on I made sure she got pills for those problems. Over the years she has gotten better. I totally enjoyed how my life turned out, but I can't speak for my wife. Were just friends and always will be.
Posted @ Monday, December 27, 2010 5:13 PM by Paul
Going to counseling can definitely help with the problem - great advice!
Posted @ Friday, July 27, 2012 10:32 AM by philadelphia sexual dysfunction
I would count too much on therapy. My marriage has been sexless for 25 years and the first 7 were devoted to hours and hours of expensive therapy with many different therapists which went nowhere. You either want to have sex with somebody, and are sexually attracted to them or you are not and no amount of therapy will change that fact. The real choice when sex stops in a marriage is accept it and carry on or get a divorce.
Posted @ Saturday, August 04, 2012 3:56 PM by JamesC
This is the best advice I've seen on any website. Thank you. I think I'll start divorce proceedings.
Posted @ Sunday, August 05, 2012 3:40 PM by EVE
There is a typo in my last post it should read I WOULDN'T count too much on therapy. I should also say that despite my stay or go advice I decided to stay. And despite our sexual desire difficulties we did mange to have our children by bypassing intercourse and using Artificial Insemination and have two great kids and other than no sex the marriage is great.
Posted @ Sunday, August 05, 2012 6:08 PM by JamesC
JamesC, Sorry to hear that you didn't get the results you wanted from therapy. In addition to disagreeing on the value of professional help, I would disagree that sexual attraction is as simple as being attracted or not. So much of how the relationship functions contributes to the amount or non-existence of attraction. -Kurt
Posted @ Monday, August 13, 2012 8:28 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
My husband has told me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. We were separated for job reasons for a year (with many visits) and I had the kids with me. He resents me for " taking his kids from him" and now doesn't want to have a relationship anymore. Either I stay with the kids or I come back with the kids to him, but then it is "only about the kids, not about him and me" . I love him and I want to have a marriage, not a roommate with kids. What do I do? How do I win him back if he wants out of the relationships? The marriage has been rocky from the start (12 years now) and I don't know if we can make it through this if he is not interested.
Posted @ Sunday, August 19, 2012 10:10 AM by Nergui
Kurt, I don't really understand what you mean when you say "So much of how the relationship functions contributes to the amount or non-existence of attraction" 
 
Like I said in my post my wife and I get along great. I can't remember the last time we raised voices at each other and we are dedicated to the well being of our kids and having a happy family and that part of the marriage is really great. But there is absolutely no sexual attraction for her on my part at all. Even if I wanted to try "mercy sex" which back at the beginning one of our therapists suggest I try it totally failed because as you well know without sexual desire it is physically impossible for a man to have sex. Even with Viagra, he can eat a bucketful but without desire all that will happen is he will end up with a big headache. I do have normal sexual desire, as does my wife, but although I can get turned on by other women, with my wife it is simply impossible. But, all that being said it's a good marriage that has lasted over two decades so sexless marriages can last. People just need to accept the situation and make the best of it. I had lots of sex when I was young and single and of course I miss the skin to skin contact. But I also miss a lot of other things about my young and single days too like the freedom, the parties, getting crazy with my friends but sex like all that stuff is for young people and once you are married things change and for me at least, it has been impossible to maintain sexual desire for the same person year in and year out. I wish things were different but try as I did my body fails to co-operate when it came to attempts at sex after I was married. It made both of us very unhappy and uncomfortable and trying to have sex became very stressful and unpleasant so we stopped trying back in the late 80's. Half a dozen therapists couldn't help so like I say we just accepted the situation and carried on with out lives. 
 
So this is why I don't get what you wrote because other than there being no sex the marriage is fine and functions well without me having any sexual attraction for her. So I guess there are exceptions to your rule.
Posted @ Sunday, August 19, 2012 10:36 AM by JamesC
JamesC, Space restrictions are going to limit how much I can explain here. Simply put, sex is a by-product of the relationship. Sex isn's just about attraction; it's also about expressing love. I don't believe there are exceptions to that rule. 
 
I would suggest that perhaps your marriage isn't as good as you believe it is since the sexual part of it is absent. Often we can't see what we can't see. I'm not suggesting your marriage is bad, but it obviously has at least one problem. And in my experience that problem is fixable. -Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, September 05, 2012 12:31 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
my husband doesn't need therapy he needs a bomb in his rear. Been married 45 years and we only had sex once, its was our first, last and only time. He hated it, disgusting,messy, no pleasure at all, no closeness felt, and way to much work for so little. The day after we were married he moved all his stuff down stairs and has lived there all 45 years except maybe two hours on our wedding night. He never cared for me and still never talks to me or goes out of his way to be with me. He wouldn't father any kids, he calls them money sucking scum bags. 
 
All I feel is hate, confusion, depression. I try not to go home alot, I volenteer at a homeless shelter for women, that our church helps at. I go home on ocassion to do laundry, sleep in my own lonely bed, and make a good home cooked meal or two. My doctor helps me out alot and I thank him so much.
Posted @ Sunday, September 09, 2012 5:55 PM by Amy
To Amy, your story is probably the most painful one i have come across .No marriage is perfect , we all have issues to deal with along the way .I wonder how well you new your husband before you married him ? A marriage does need intimacy , that being sexual intimacy where possible.It bonds you to your mate and distinguishes it from all other relationships.Did your husband simply want a flat mate ,or a substitute mother ?Not good enough!He deserves to be alone .You deserve to have your time again.I give you a lot of credit for staying with him all this time ,but i dont think you should have .You only get one life , dont waste the rest of yours.xxx
Posted @ Thursday, September 27, 2012 10:22 PM by Dani
Dani: 
Thanks for writting, I know its been awhile since I wrote last. I'm really past the time in my life where I care any more. I've ruined my life and I hope God forgives me. Being in my mid 60s make difficult to move on. I have no place to go, no family, or real close friends. I've turned into a cold and hateful person and I keep hoping it will all go away real soon.
Posted @ Wednesday, December 12, 2012 7:17 PM by Amy
I have been married only 10 years to my husband and I care for him deeply but there are "issues". This isn't my first marriage and quit honestly I only remarried because I love sex. I don't personally believe you should have sex outside of marriage (my personal convictions). My husband and I were very close friends for many years before we married and I was so excitted when he finally asked me to marry him. I had no idea that sex would only be a quarterly thing and then only because I really force the issue. Before we got married he know I was a romatic and how important all aspects of intimacy was to me, we talked about this many times. My husband was 38 when we got married and I am the only person he has EVER been with or even dated. As I said we know each other for many years, we even went to school together. The story is he had liked me since school and was just to shy to ask me out or make advances so he just stayed close friends until one day I flat out said I really just wish he would take me away and we could get married. Next thing I know he actually asked me out .. . I am sad and hurt that there is no intimacy. I use to think it must be me but as a friend of mine pointed out that was NEVER a problem with my other marriage which has a great sex life. I try to talk openly about it to him but he just doesn't seem to really care. I really don't know what to do it is a continual battle for me not to take up other men on the offer of being with them. It is a battle I continue to win but I also am afraid someday I just may lose it and I don't want that. Please help.
Posted @ Saturday, January 05, 2013 9:58 AM by Shelly
I am 35 and my husband is 47. We have been married for 13 years. For the last 8 of those years, this marriage has been rocky. He has cheated numerous times, while pushing me away. Obviously, that's what happens. What gets me though is now he he no sexual interest in anyone (least of all me) and is fatigued all the time. He had his testosterone checked and it is at 240 when at a minimum, it should be 600. We go 3-4 months at a time without having sex, however, he'll get drunk if we go out during that same time and hit on other women, even my friends! Then when we get home, if I want to make love he'll get mad and tell me 'it' doesn't work. I am so lonely, frustrated, and confused. I feel rejected and like less of a woman because of him. I've even told him that I am seriously considering cheating on him and he gets mad. So... here's the confusion. He doesn't want to have sex with me, but he wants to sit on the couch and hold hands, give me a kiss good night every night and give me a kiss good bye and hello each day. I think I could handle this all so much better if he would just leave me the f**k alone altogether. Why bother with the little tokens of affection when the one real, true thing that makes a marriage by sealing that emotional bond is missing??? I just don't get it at all.  
 
If I were unattractive, unsuccessful, etc. I might understand. But I'm 35 years old, I work for a major chemical company and easily make enough money to live on my own very comfortably, so I do contribute to the household and between his income and mine, we never fight about money, so I know that's not it. I'm 5'7" - 135 lbs, I take very good care of myself and I can walk into a room and have several guys turn to check me out. He doesn't want me going out with my girlfriends because he knows I get hit on all the time, yet he doesn't really want me there. We make small talk and go to bed. That's it.  
 
I am incredibly lonely and unhappy and have NO idea what to do. I almost dread the end of the work day because I have to go home to an emotionally empty house. I want a divorce, but he begs me not to leave and tells me that he does love me very much and that it's him, not me. WHY PLAY GAMES?! That's what I want to scream at him!
Posted @ Friday, April 26, 2013 3:42 PM by Lori
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