Husband Watching Porn and Masturbating (you can't talk about that!)

5 Min Read

Contents

Problems That Using Porn To Masturbate Can Create
Can You Make Your Husband Stop Watching Porn And Masturbating?
What To Take Away
Comments (55+)

Shhh! Here's a topic nobody's comfortable talking about. But it's a reality for a lot of men and their partners. Women ask me all the time for help dealing with a husband who’s watching porn and masturbating.

This very uncomfortable topic plagues many couples. And for every one couple who admits there’s a problem, there are many more who are struggling with it privately.

Unfortunately, for those couples who don’t seek help, masturbating while watching porn will most likely cause a number of problems within the relationship. And no amount of time or avoiding will make the problem any less uncomfortable to discuss?

So, how do you handle this kind of embarrassing problem?

What can a wife really do when her husband’s watching porn and masturbating?

Problems Using Porn To Masturbate Can Create

First, you need to realize you’re far from alone in this uncomfortable situation and find some comfort in that fact.

Porn has become so easily available and normalized by our society that it’s a regular part of many people’s lives these days.

Second, know that your situation isn’t hopeless.

There are ways to help your husband see how unhealthy a porn addiction is and begin to address it. Not to mention how painful it is to you as his wife.

Many men don’t really understand the damage their porn habit does to their wives and how it can destroy their marriage over time.

In fact, most men consider porn a harmless habit and acceptable way to relieve stress. The fact that it’s damaging the intimacy in their marriage, devaluing their relationship, and humiliating to their wives doesn’t occur to them.

Below is an email from a woman with a husband watching porn and masturbating. She's trying to understand what's going on with him and how to make it stop, but he won't talk about it.

I've been married for almost 4 years now and my husband's watching porn and masturbating every time I left my house. As far as I know, he's stopped. Now he's saving photos of women on his computer in the same folder as the photos of myself that I took just for him. I've asked him to stop, he ignores the question and doesn't talk about it. My question is how do I get him to open up and talk about this because it is hurting me deeply." -Janice

Can you relate to her (or him)?

In addition to the devaluing of the intimacy in your relationship, your husband’s habit of masturbating to porn can cause further problems in your marriage. Among them are,

Decreased physical intimacy. Porn use and masturbation typically leads to a decrease in the physical intimacy between partners.
Unrealistic expectations. Porn often portrays unrealistic sexual scenarios, body types, and performances. This can lead to feelings of insecurity and inadequacy.
Emotional distance. If one partner is using porn and not engaging in open communication about it with their partner, it can create emotional distance and feelings of deception or betrayal within the relationship.
Comparison and insecurity. Watching porn may lead to partners comparing themselves to the people in porn, which can result in feeling insecure and not attractive enough.
Addiction. In many cases, excessive porn viewing and frequent masturbation can become an addictive behavior. In this case, it becomes a porn addiction.
Loss of interest in real-world sexual activity. If one partner becomes overly reliant on pornography for sexual satisfaction, they may lose interest in having sex with their partner.
Communication problems. Avoiding discussions about porn use and masturbation can lead to an overall breakdown in communication between partners.

It's important to remember that not everyone who watches pornography or masturbates will experience these problems.

Can You Make Your Husband Stop Watching Porn And Masturbating?

Make him stop? No.

Work with him to end what’s likely to have become an addiction? Probably, but you’ll need some help.

So, Janice wants to know how to get her husband to open up and talk about masturbating and viewing porn, and why he should stop.

Hmmm...good luck!

Actually, it is possible, but it’s not easy and she’ll most likely need some help from a knowledgeable counselor.

Many of us have a very difficult time discussing uncomfortable topics, even with our spouse.

You know, things like how we each spend money, overeating and weight, or sex.

Most couples can't talk about these issues effectively or without it turning into a big fight. Of course, arguing and fighting are no way to communicate about tough topics and find solutions that work.

As a result, we often just ignore those topics and avoid talking about them. And porn and masturbation are probably at the top of the uncomfortable topic list for almost everybody.

If Janice and her husband can't talk about tough subjects, how are they ever going to talk about one of the most difficult?

My advice - start small.

Janice needs to begin by starting to talk to her husband about the 'small' hard stuff, get some practice doing that before she tries to tackle the 'big' hard stuff.

It’s also very likely that Janice and her husband have some underlying trust issues as well. Many couples dealing with porn addiction do.

But by starting small and practicing communicating about the 'small' hard stuff, Janice and her husband can rebuild some trust that will help them tackle the 'bigger' hard stuff.

A good place for them to start small would be to discuss how she feels about the pictures she took for him and how he uses them.

Unfortunately for Janice, there's just not a quick and easy formula to deal with this. And sadly, most men who claim to have stopped initially have actually just gotten better at hiding it.

Porn is too available and too addictive for many men to just stop on their own, even when they finally realize how it’s hurting their wives.

So, despite what Janice wants to think, my guess is that he hasn't stopped watching porn – no matter how much she wants to believe that he has.

What To Take Away

If you've got a husband watching porn and masturbating, start 'small' too. Obviously, it takes a lot more than this to solve the problem, but it's a great strategy to use to begin to make some progress communicating.

And being able to communicate is the first place most of couples get stuck.

Remember,

Just because it’s embarrassing or uncomfortable doesn't mean you shouldn’t talk about it.
Most men will tell you, “It’s no big deal” or “It doesn’t have anything to do with you.” Neither of these are true.
Masturbating while watching porn will eventually cause problems for your marriage.

And lastly, remember that as overwhelming as the topic of porn and masturbation may feel, it is possible to address it and change it.

Editor’s note: This post was originally published December 14, 2013 and was updated June 30, 2020 and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.