Counseling for Men: More Secrets to Men Getting More Sex

A regular complaint I hear in counseling for men is that there isn't enough sex. This often comes from husbands, but not always. Another common complaint that comes up in marriage counseling is that the sharing of household chores is very unequal. Not surprisingly, this complaint usually comes from wives, but interestingly, from some husbands as well.

As I mentioned last week in the post Counseling for Men: 3 Tips on How Other Men Get More Sex, research published in the Journal of Family Issues has shown that the more housework you do, the more sex you'll have with your spouse. Here are some interesting excerpts from the Wall Street Journal article Housework Pays Off Between the Sheets, which reviewed the findings:

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Comments from Men with Happy Marriages & Sex Lives:

Doing housework "promotes friendship and intimacy" -Tom Doran, a Plymouth, Mich., engineer.

"If you're both around doing housework, that also means you are alone together, and in a place where both are relaxed and comfortable"It's pretty hard to have sex when you're not together in a place that permits it.". -John Rogitz, a San Diego attorney who has been married for 30 years.

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Another husband, a St. Paul, Minn., accountant who describes himself as happily married for 20 years, says housework reflects a deeper bond. Although he does plenty of housework, "to me it's not the dishes, laundry, vacuuming (or Viagra) that matters," he writes. Sharing chores reflects a "willingness to hold my wife's needs and wants on a par with my own. For us, the key to intimacy is the sharing and minimization of selfishness." His wife, a nurse, agrees, saying that "doing the household chores is certainly part of the sharing."

Research Findings

The study found that wives spent an average 41.8 hours a week on housework, compared with 23.4 hours for husbands -- a split that is fairly typical, and often regarded by wives as unfair (housework was defined as nine chores: cleaning, preparing meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, driving family members around, shopping, yard work, maintaining cars and paying bills). But husbands spent an average 33.8 hours a week on paid work outside the home, compared with 19.7 hours for wives.
Couples reported having sex 82.7 times a year on average, or 1.6 times a week, about the same as has been found in other studies.
A separate survey of 2,020 U.S. adults placed "sharing household chores" as the third most important factor in a successful marriage, behind faithfulness and a happy sexual relationship, says the nonprofit Pew Research Center.That's a sharp increase; 72% of respondents gave high importance to housework, up from 47% in a comparable study in 1990.

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Another survey of 288 husbands, reported in Neil Chethik's 2006 book VoiceMale, linked a wife's satisfaction with the division of household duties with her husband's satisfaction with their sex life. One husband, Mr. Chethik says in an interview, reported that his wife enjoyed flowers or a candlelit dinner out; but "if he wants to be sure of a romantic evening, he goes for the vacuum cleaner."

The men I've worked with who've followed this advice have confirmed these secrets to getting more sex. Guys, give it a try!

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