Mr. Marriage Counselor - "I'm Not Sure If I'm an Alcoholic"

  

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Q: Where do I start?  My girlfriend just ended our relationship.  She's an alcoholic in AA for 90 days.  I know I'm codependent and not sure if I'm an alcoholic. I haven't had a drink in over 40 days. I've gone to AA meetings and CoDA meetings.  I like the message and the 12 steps but I feel out of place at AA.  My ex feels I'm in denial and not completely devoting myself to AA and I feel I may be wasting my time in AA at all.  I'm going crazy trying to figure this out and now she's dumped me but I know I have to get better.  Help me Doc.

--Jack T.

A: Recognizing that you have some alcohol-related problems yourself, and need to get better, is a good start.

Here are a couple of next steps:

1. A lot of people feel uncomfortable at AA.  Unfortunately, a lot of people also use that discomfort as a reason not to go to a place where they need to be.  If you've been in a relationship with someone who's an alcoholic, and maybe one yourself, you need to be getting some kind of regular help - AA, Al-Anon, CoDA, counseling.  AA has a lot of different meetings so going to several to find the best fit can be really helpful.  Choose a resource and then stick with going regularly.
2. Deal with your issues separately.  You need to deal with getting dumped by your girlfriend and the loss of that relationship apart from dealing with your alcohol use and codependency issues.  It would be easy to allow the pain and hurt of getting dumped to overwhelm you and to lose the priority of dealing with your addiction-related issues.  Stay with your focus on dealing with the alcohol.
3. Congratulations on 40 days of not having a drink.  That's an accomplishment.  Stay with it.  A lot of the things you're struggling with are going to get easier and better the longer you go without having a drink.  That may not make sense to you, but trust me -- I know, I've helped a lot of men with alcohol abuse.  Watch out for how you deal with the pain of losing your girlfriend.  It would be natural to grab a drink right now to soothe that hurt -- choose a different way to deal with it.

--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor

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