FEELING
STUCK?

Anger Problems Take our FREE Husband Rater Quiz! Take a Quiz

follow Guy Stuff

Guy Stuff's Counseling Men Blog shares real stories from our counseling sessions, giving practical solutions and answers to the challenges men and women face.

subscribeSubscribe by Email

Your email:

Got a Question

Have a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? 
Submit your question here and we'll try to answer it in an up coming post. Please keep in mind that we get a lot of questions and are limited in how many we can answer. (Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed above so you'll get our answer as soon as it's published.)

Blog Privacy Notice

All the stories, people, and quotes described in this blog are real.  However, people's names and biographical details have been changed to conceal their identity and protect their privacy.

Counseling Men Blog
Advice for men – and the women who love them!

Current Articles | RSS Feed RSS Feed

"My Husband Won't Have Sex with Me" - Marriage Counselor

  
  
  
  

Marriage CounselorQ: My husband won't have sex with me.  We have been married almost 4 years now and he is bi-polar and a type 1 diabetic. When we were dating our relationship was top notch! We would make love and have lots of foreplay! He even made me O without even having sex. But once we moved in together things went down hill...1st I dealt with him being domestically violent and controlling but I put my foot down and said something had to change or I was gone, he got help and on bi-polar meds and he stopped being violent. Though in spite of the improvement, his interest in sex has just kept decreasing...and when we do have sex it is no foreplay or his interest literally dies...I have tried lingerie, hints, waking him up to sexual favors and even straight out saying I want you now!...sometimes I will get a "let me take some insulin and gimme an hour" or "I'm too busy." I am lucky if I get it 3 times a month! Now this is hard on me because I am very sexual (only 25) and I feel he should be (only 29!!) yet foreplay is gone, I can not remember my last orgasm...and when I do get sex it is him pounding away for 1-15 minutes and then I am left wanting more and all he wants to do is return to the PC or cuddle...yet he says me playing with myself, in his words "feels like you're cheating" what am I supposed to do? I am devoted to him and refuse to cheat, yet I feel ugly and lonely when I am left feeling so much desire for him and not seeing him desire me at all...he is not cheating, but my husband won't make love to me either...any ideas what we can do?

--Ellen H.

A: Your statement that "my husband won't have sex with me" shows that complaining for more sex can come from a wife just as much as from a husband.

  1. We can't ignore the potential effects of the medications your husband's taking.  A lot of medications lower the sex drive, so be sure to check into this as a side effect of the medications.
  2. Some men get a sexual-like release in other ways, such as video gaming.  You mention his computer interest in "all he wants to do is return to the PC."  It sounds like he's found other things that satisfy him more than sex.
  3. This is about much more than "my husband won't have sex with me."  What else is happening here is that in this relationship one person is not being respected and loved.  It's the same outcome as when he was being violent and controlling to you.  So how come you haven't put your foot down on this the way you did with the domestic violence and controlling behavior?
  4. Get some professional help. Take this seriously, your complaint my husband won't make love to me isn't selfish and it's not just you wanting more sex than him.  A marriage counselor can help you change what is happening in your marriage.  And don't wait for him to be willing to go to a marriage counselor with you -- go without him.

--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor

Comments

Ive been sex starved for 25 years. My husband never had a high libedo so early in his life he developed E/D and since tha day Ive had no sex. I have pleaded with him to go to his doctor to help himself out. But no he told me sex with me is boring and just plain uninteresting . He further said that now that I have E/D I don't have to bother with sex. He appeared actually happy about the whole thing. Ive been really hurt by his actions. I've said I have needs that are not being met. He told me to find some thing else to keep my mind occupied. We 've been married 40 plus years and now on the down hill of our lives in our (60s). We have no kids and I bet we hadn't had sex 100 times in oue life. He hates kids so we never had any, that was so depressing I wanted kids. This has been a terrible life but its to late now. Some times I wish I could just have my life end.  
 
Posted @ Wednesday, December 15, 2010 3:55 PM by Amy
I was in a relationship almost identical to that for several years, but the abuse was emotional rather than violent. First, people (*especially* guys) with that description often are misdiagnosed as bipolar when they really have borderline personality disorder, which also causes mood swings. 
 
Learning about BPD and my ex's comments showed me what really had happened. Not being able to control me in all of the ways he wanted made him feel emasculated, which killed his sexual interest around me. Since BPDers can only adore someone or despise them, and see everyone as all-good or all-bad, he lost all affection for me (and didn't mind that I was being harmed by the constant rejection). He didn't want to deal with any of what was going on, so he hid from reality in his games and made excuses for everything. 
 
I learned afterwards that withholding sex or affection (aside from rare brief periods if something upsetting happened) are interlaced with being abusive & controlling. Marriage Counselor mentions getting therapy -- from firsthand experience, I'd add that for your mental health, you should *also* temporarily move out and/or not get together -- but if he's been violent before, tell him in public where you're safer. Make it clear that you really want the relationship/marriage to work, but that the lack of sex/affection is harming you so much that you need to get away for a while -- and that you want him to start marriage therapy with you before you return, so you know he wants to make things better. (If you think he might have BPD, then definitely say you want him in BPD therapy before you join up again, to avoid a repeat of the experience.) His reaction might tell you something about your future together. 
 
I hope that anyone in that situation, with or without a BPD partner, has everything get better in their life really soon... Nobody should feel the way that kind of persistent rejection by a supposed lover makes someone feel.
Posted @ Wednesday, April 06, 2011 4:04 AM by Xyzzy
I know how you feel, although I think I get it maybe 2 or 3 times (if that!) a mth! I seem to be te one who is ALWAYS initialising it. My husband is in defence force and is very physically active, and I have been told oh that should increase his drive but it doesn't. We have been married for 15yrs and have 3 kids. I am only 36. If I try to talk about it I usually get yelled at or he carries on about how I pressure him and refuses to seek help or anything like that. I am miserable. There is next to no intimacy on any level. Even just getting him to lay there on a lazy sun. morning holding me seems to be an effort on his behalf. I've just pretty much given up on it all now there is no point. The more I try to get an interest the more I am pushed away and the more I feel depressed, insecure, fat, ugly etc, you name it. I guess its just a grin and bear it time. BUt there are plenty of women out there who know exactly how you feel.
Posted @ Friday, April 22, 2011 1:07 AM by kim
3 times a month? Honey, you're livin' GOLD. It's been 6 months since I saw any action.
Posted @ Monday, August 15, 2011 4:57 PM by
My husband doesnt want to have sex with me,Im 24 and he is 30. What can i do to get him to have sex with me?
Posted @ Friday, September 09, 2011 12:01 AM by brittney
Please help I’m 45 and my husband is 38. We always had a happy sex life until now. Since Iv been taking estrogen & Progesterone my sex drive is very much increased, so much that my husband is upset about me wanting sex every day or sometimes more than once a day. Ive bought sexy lingerie and touch him. That has helped but he only wants it like once a week. He says he thinks I’m sexy (I weigh 119 llb. 5’5) He is just not in the mood. This is really effecting our marriage. Ive told him that I would stop taking the hormones, but he said no because he doesn’t want me to suffer the night sweats, please help me.  
 
I’ve talked to my doctor who just laughed and said my husband should be glad I’m rear.  
 
Please is their something I can take to decrease my sex drive?? Please I’m tried of having fights over me wanting sex everyday. He is not cheating. We were both on a game chat site, but when I found out he was He was pretending to be single and saying some things I felt were not appropriate. He said he was just joking around. We have both deleted the chat site from our phones. I know he loves me.  
 
I know he is not cheating.  
 
I just need something to decrease my sex drive please.  
 
Thank you Donna V 
 
Posted @ Sunday, November 13, 2011 11:01 AM by Donna
I can relate to all of you ladies. My husband will do it once a month...if I'm lucky.  
 
He is 41, I'm 28. We don't have children. My sex drive is out of this world. He is only interested in sex once in a while.  
 
I'm not gorgeous but I am a pretty woman. I have gained a little bit of weight but I'm far from obese...I wear a size 8 or 10, depending on the clothes. I still wear makeup and try to make myself look as attractive as possible.  
 
My husband is simply not a very sexual person, which frustrates me immensely. Sometimes he will get in the mood and we will actually have sex in other positions besides missionary, but this is rare.  
 
I had a very active sex life with other men before I met him. It is painful to love somebody and desire them, while the feeling doesn't seem to be mutual. He loves me but he doesn't seem to want me that way.  
 
I'm a very playful person and I flirt with him constantly because I believe that married couples should never lose the "sparks" that brought them together. There really isn't much magic or chemistry between us anymore, though. We are more like friends with benefits or roommates. 
 
I hate cheating and infidelity, but sometimes it can be tempting because other men show interest in me sexually...but I don't want them. I want to be with my husband. I need romance and passion. I need him to make love to me and make me feel like I'm still desirable to him. I just don't feel that at all.  
 
I know I'm not what he typically finds attractive, but I deserve to feel good in my marriage. I work hard at being the best wife I possibly can. I just don't get it. I have wondered if he might be having an affair but I have no proof of that. I don't know if his sex drive is low or if he is burned out from working too much.  
 
I don't know what it could be. I try not to nag him about it, but it kills me that the man I married seems to avoid sex. Sometimes he will initiate it at odd times, like when I'm not in the mood or when I'm about to fall asleep. I have no choice but to do it then, because I never know when the next time will be. We did it about 4 weeks ago and it was good, but it was "make-up" sex because we had a quarrel earlier that day.  
 
He doesn't even kiss me with passion most of the time. Seems like most of us girls are in the same boat. 
 
Posted @ Wednesday, March 07, 2012 6:41 PM by Michelle
It doesn't look to me like anyone actually answers questions on this blog.
Posted @ Thursday, March 08, 2012 6:33 AM by Kat
Kat, That's not actually true. I do respond to many of the comments. I just can't reply to all of them due to time and space limitations. -Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, March 14, 2012 4:22 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Liz, A couple of things you write are a concern: 
 
1) Intercourse shouldn't be painful. If it is, either he's being too rough, you're doing something you shouldn't, or there's something wrong with your body and you should be examined by a doctor. 
 
2) You describe symptoms of depression - hair thinning, etc. - which wouldn't be surprising. You should get some counseling help for yourself, and if your boyfriend will go, together as well. 
 
3) Be very careful about getting involved with somebody else before you fix our end this relationship. 
 
I really hope you reach out to a counselor. You'll be glad you did when you're getting the support and guidance that we can give.  
 
-Kurt 
Posted @ Tuesday, March 20, 2012 12:43 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
I too have little intimacy with my husband. When we married 4 years ago, we had sex about 2-3 times a week, but we were not living together, and due to where we lived and jobs, could only see eachother about 4 times a week and could not spend the night. I am 32 and he is 41. The 2-3 times a week satisfied me (barely) and I assumed that when we lived together and saw eacheother each day, it might increase to a slightly higher level that would meet my needs. Now, it it closer to every 10 days. We have a 2 year old and she is active, but I do most of the work and get up with her and get her ready and bath her at night, etc. We both work full time, but he is an IT person and his job is not that demanding. He's been there 13 years and has little stress. I am 5'5" and 120 lbs, good body for a mother and an attractive face. I wear make-up, tan, work out, attempt to look nice and he just seems disinterested. I am not sure if he has a low libido or prefers to masturbate and gets his needs fulfilled on his own. When I have tried to tell him that I would like more intimacy he gets very defensive and I don't think he would be open to see a "stranger" as he put it out our issues. I was wondering if there is a pill I can take to lower my libido. I love him. I'm attracted to him, but outside of this issue, we do not have too many arguements and tend to enjoy eachother's company. I know I am attractive still, since when I do go anywhere men still throw out the "vibe" and my friends tell me I'm pretty, etc. It gets old wishing the person you are in love with would want to reciprocate the desire. It makes you wonder what you are doing wrong.
Posted @ Friday, May 04, 2012 11:45 AM by Kathy
Kathy, There's more wrong in your marriage than just not enough sex. You're not being loved or valued the way you deserve. Don't let his refusal to get help stop you -- go without him. Learn how to have the relationship you deserve. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, May 08, 2012 1:46 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Thanks Kurt. We did have a huge talk about it this weekend. It was very tense on Sunday and Monday but has gotten better today. I'm going on about 16 days with no sex, and it turned into an argument because it had been about 2 weeks on Friday and we went on a date, had a baby sitter and held hands on the date, had a great time, but when we got home, he had a headache and went to bed. On Saturday night I made it known how lonely and upsetting that is. He was finally able to share some of his feelings and actually cried, which is a rarety with him. He did a little yelling too, but told me that all of my pressure is making him feel indequate and further lowering his desire. I said, that I only bring this up a few times a year, when I can't stand it any longer. It's not like I bring it up every night we are not intimate. He said that when we do kiss, etc. all he can think of is one time, last year, when I told him, "I wish you would touch me more" and he said it makes him feel like all I want is sex. I said, I'd like to cuddle, rub, shower, do other intimate acts, but not necessarily sexual acts more often in-between sex and I may have some of my romantic/emotional needs met and not be so upset about the infrequency. He said he is "sorry" last night for the 1st time in our marriage, so even though my problem is not solved, I do feel like a small breakthrough is starting. He agreed to additional "touching" and intimacy outside of intercourse, since I feel that is part of what I am lacking. I haven't ruled out going to a counselor alone, but we have a lot of extra exenses this month. My father passed without an estate and I had some final expenses and we had some vehicle damage that we want to pay for outside of insurance. I don't qualify for any free services, but it's just not a reasonable time financially for extra costs. I am planning to do some research and go somewhere for counseling this summer, after I get out of these financial committments. Do you have a link for a good website to read reviews on counselors? I hate to just go to someone not knowing about their technique and I'd like to know if there is a review rating. I realize that is subjective, since a great therapist may not be able to help everyone, however, I am a Christian and wouldn't want to go to a real "wild" sex therapist or anything that would suggest multiple partners, etc.
Posted @ Tuesday, May 08, 2012 2:23 PM by Kathy
Kathy, There isn't a website that I know of that gives reviews on counselors. I can help if you'd like. I provide Christian counseling when desired, as well as sex therapy. I see people in-person who live in N. CA and by phone or online throughout the states and world. I work with men or women individually and as couples. You can read more in the counseling section on the Home page of this website. You guys really need some professional guidance and I hope you get it. -Kurt
Posted @ Friday, May 18, 2012 8:03 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
I have been sleeping with a man for 3 years, sex was a very important part of our relationship. It was fun and exciting and I loved being around him. I was over the moon when he said he wanted us to be exclusive and that he loved me. He has recently been diagnosed with BPD. However, we have only been together officially now for 4 months and our sex life has come to a complete stop. The couple of times that we have tried he can not even get an erection. I am aware of medication playing a large part in this, but he wont even kiss me passionately now. He has said he feels different to me now that we are a couple, almost as if you can have only either sex or love. I can't help but feel it was better before. Whenever I try to talk to him about it, he says that I'm embarressing him and ends the conversation. As in the other posts, I feel ugly and can't help but feel insecure and constantly worry that he is cheating already. I am 35 and desperate for a baby, should I stick with the man I love or am I wasting my time on a doomed relationship.
Posted @ Saturday, July 07, 2012 5:04 PM by sarah
I've been such a fool my partner of five years told me if I married him it would make him more secure and he would start having sex with me again I married him yesterday and I've tried to make love with him and got told no its changed nothing
Posted @ Sunday, August 05, 2012 6:51 PM by Lesley part
I have been with my husband for 13 years, married for 12 and have for girls under the age of 9. I stay at home with my girls. I do everything put produce income. My husband does not sleep with me If we have sex 1-4 times per year for maybe 3-5 minutes then I am lucky. There is zero foreplay nor is there any affection ZERO. He does not kiss me, hug me, every say a positive word to me. He is very abusive towards me- yelling, swearing, calling me a cunt, f-ing whore in front of our children and has harmed me. I asked for a divorce many times and have asked him to be civil because I gave up my employment to raise our children and care for our family. He is an attorney and retired USMC officer, very cocky and has no emotion towards me. This has been going on forever! When we dated we had sex 4 times per day-3 on a bad day- before I went to work, when I got home and when we went to bed. We always had oral sex-this stopped years ago. I have no respect for him nor do I love him after what he has done to me. I want him to find a girl that will give him everything that he needs-it is not me. I miss having a man make my legs bow after we have sex. I am sorry ladies but when you are married your husband should f-you nonstop. When you date it is sex. I have not had an "O" since July 1999 with my ex-the love of my life. I know that he has cheated-I have found the photos on his Blackberry, his admissions were caught by his bosses and now it is done in my book. Every woman has their needs-they do. If a woman needs to do the "deed" then fine.  
 
 
 
Aside for giving it up in order to have my children I dread when he touches me. I do. The fact that I caught him is what has driven us apart and the disrespect. Thankfully when I was pregnant he did not touch me. Yeah!  
 
 
 
I want a divorce, 3 years of spousal support until I finish my B.A. and move on.  
 
 
 
Life is too short not to be loved. As my cousin Mel would say-love does not hurt. When you are married to the person that you love having sex is like eating food daily. It is just normal.  
 
 
 
I would rather be alone for the rest of my life then to every feel this way. I have never done anything wrong within the walls of our engagement or marriage. It just amazes me that women are not given the sex they are entitled.  
 
 
 
The sex with my husband was never good. I had to do the "deed" prior to having sex with him or think about my ex just to void the 3-5 minutes. I can't even look at him-it sickens me. He's cute, built and well hung. I just cannot deal with it. The abuse did me in and now I am forced to move forward for the sake of my girls. I refuse to allow them to see their mom not be loved. 
 
 
 
To all of you women and men not being loved and having the sex you need with your spouse-move on. Period! I have wasted the past 13 years of my life with a piece of crap. I regret it! My girls would have come out of me one way or another. 
 
Posted @ Thursday, August 09, 2012 3:21 PM by Tina
Sorry-I have four girls not for... My keys keep sticking...
Posted @ Thursday, August 09, 2012 3:23 PM by Tina
My husband and I have not been getting along because I cannot stand the lack of affection in our relationship. I have gone through periods of sadness, depression etc from the rejection and now I'm just plain mad. I wish I didn't have this loyalty about me that keeps me failful so I can just run our and get that part of me satisfied and maybe then I wouldn't be so extremely fed up with him anymore. I can't just feel like he's my friend when he doesn't acknowledge such a huge part of our marriage is missing. I cannot feel respected when he doesn't respect me enough to either tell me what's up or seek some help. I can't do it for him but it's unfair that I would have to break up my family if I ever want to be satisfied physically again... It's ridiculous... We've done it 1 time in 7 weeks.
Posted @ Friday, October 05, 2012 4:27 PM by Nikki
If your man is a good person at heart then there may be a problem that can be fixed. I went through the lack of sex,libido phase and didn't discover the problem till I did some research on being tired all the time. Have him get his testosterone checked! Seriously go to the doctor have him do the blood work and get checked out. If his levels are below 400 then he will most likely not have a high libido. The once his levels get established to normal his sex drive will return. When my levels returned I felt like I had erection all the time. Keep the test levels in the normal range and be prepared for sex several times a day.
Posted @ Monday, November 12, 2012 1:41 PM by Bill
My husband & I have only been married 5 months, ddted for 5 months prior to that. Our relationship began for sex because we were just friends but it was amazing - a chemistry I've never felt before - I even had my first orgasm through intercourse with no clitoral stimulation at the same time. He instantly knew my body better than I did. The problem is I have a high sex drive, I want him every day, every night & morning sometimes too. I'd be happy if he just would agree to once a day. He either is mad at me, aggravated or annoyed about something or constipated, has gas, cramps, a headache, etc. always something. I need more affection & attention. I'm an insecure person who needs to feel loved & wanted - I know this about myself, it's old damage from being a child of divorce. I'm 43 now & very emotionally normal & stable. He's 42 & has PTSD from combat 24 years ago, but normally a loving, gentle, sensitive man & I am madly in love with him! I hate feeling rejected or the excuses when I try to initiate sex. We used to have sex a few times a day or he could go multiple times at night. Now, it's maybe a few times a week & I hate feeling like I'm always waiting, trying to talk about it doesn't work. He makes me feel like I'm a nympho & not normal. This is a guy who likes to film our sex when we do have it, wants me to dress in garters & thigh highs but still it's too infrequent for me, I'm discouraged & feeling unloved & lonely. I don't want to ever cheat but I know that if years of this goes on it will happen someday & I don't want to be that person. It kills me to know he's always been a sexual person, had over 100++ different partners, used to be at the strip club every night for years before he quit drinking 12 yrs, & the rest of his free time he'd watch porn on tv. How do I save this marriage? I know myself well enough to know this continuing will destroy it for me. He blames it all on my 16 y/o son who's been giving him a hard time since we got together. I know this is a big issue that's hurting him & we have to deal with it together which I fully intend to do, but really should this be affecting us in the bedroom? He's not on any meds for PTSD so I know it's not that. I know he needs to see a counselor & I'd like to be a part of it. How do I save this marriage? He was walking out the door forever last night - we are at a severe breaking point & I'm not sure who's gonna end it first . It's just a horrible shame - we both love each other & have a lot chemistry & share ideals - we're soulmates & best friends & it's killing me to know I'm going to lose all this. Please help!!!!
Posted @ Wednesday, November 28, 2012 5:10 AM by Sandy
My husband finds me repulsive since I have gained weight. Out of my control medical condition now he can't follow through even with viagra I am destine to a sexless excistance
Posted @ Thursday, December 06, 2012 7:41 PM by jody
I have to say, I found any of your comments to be very comforting.... I myself have been married 16 years. When we met we were like bunnies and lots of oral (might have been one of the things that hooked me on him...lol) we have a 10 year old and I think in the past 10 years we have had sex MAX 2 times and I pushed it and I don't even think he got completely there. He is 15 years older than I am and I turned 40 this year. Im a fairly hot barbie and even play roller derby. Could lose 10 lbs. but nothing that wouldn't make guys turn there head at me. I have tired it all, dressing in sexy stuff, pleading, self satisfying with him in the same bed while he sleeps next to me. We do not cuddle, our kisses or only pecks and the last time he gave me more that that he gave me a big slug tongue, it was kind of repulsive and very far from a good kiss he gave me 16 years ago. I now feel like I resent him for some of this, but also feel maybe I am being selfish. The worst part is we don't socialize with other, I don't need separate friends so I got nothing and Im thinking of saying Im done, but I feel like this makes me be the heel because I want sex, oh and friends and a fun, enjoyable life.
Posted @ Thursday, January 03, 2013 1:35 PM by Judi
I have been married to my husband for almost 15 years. He had two children and so did I. We started our relationship, fell in love, and had amazing sex for the first several years. Our children loved each other and we loved each other's children very much. We had an amazing step family and were very happy. Things started to change 5-6 years ago. We had a couple of failed businesses and a ton of stress as our teens started making poor decisions and getting into trouble. The combination of the failed businesses and the teen problems was a huge stress on our marriage. We went more than three years without having sex at all. This was very painful for me. I felt lonely and rejected. I did start eating more and gained weight, which I felt very guilty about. We talked about it several times, but it usually ended up in an argument. He did admit that part of the problem was that he wasn't as physically attracted to me, but still loved me very much and that wasn't all of the problem. One evening, he came home from work and said he was leaving. I was shocked and devastated. He moved out and was gone for almost a year. We talked frequently (several times per week) during our separation and went to dinner and lunch a few times and he always came over and kept the yard mowed, paid most of the bills, and made sure we were taken care of, but refused to come back home. I decided to file for divorce because the situation as it was was much too painful for me and I felt that although I loved him with all of my heart, I couldn't go on hurting like that. My emotions would go from hurt to anger and everywhere in between. He never would sign the divorce papers, so we didn't go through with that. (I didn't really want that anyway) After nearly a year, he made the decision to come back home. I was thrilled! He has been back for a full year now. We had sex a couple of times the first two months, but not since then. We do talk about it when I bring it up, but that never goes well. He's been saying for several months now that he doesn't know what the problem is and that he would go to the doctor to try and get help, but never has. I feel the very same feelings of loneliness and rejection that I felt before and sometimes even anger. I try not to talk about it too much because I still love him very much and am terrified of pushing him away again. Other than our sexual problems, he is a wonderful man. He's very good to me, he works hard, he's honest, everything a woman would need. I want to be his wife because I love who he is, but I dread the thought of a sexless rest of my life. It's just not fair. What in the world do I do?
Posted @ Sunday, January 20, 2013 5:04 PM by Malinda
Malinda, Sex, both in frequency and quality, reflect where the relationship is at. You need to go, with or without your husband, to counseling and get some help in improving the relationship. When your relationship improves, the sex will too. -Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, January 30, 2013 11:49 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
I have been with my husband for 9 years, I'm 33 he's 32. When we first got together it was great all the time. It slowed down to about 3 times which was okay for me. Then I got pregnant 4 month into he refused sex so I tried not to take it personal and thought after I had the baby. Boy was I wrong 3 1/2 years later and I'm lucky if its every 3 months. Truth is I think I needed to read this to tell myself that Yes this is a big deal. It's hard when all my friends wish there husbands wanted it less so when I complain it seems trival. So thanks everybody especially the 60 year old I keep thinking once we get older it won't matter but it does everywoman ugly, fat, pretty, and thin want to be desired and that is OKAY!!
Posted @ Saturday, February 02, 2013 4:00 AM by Tammy
Reading each of your stories is bittersweet.  
 
Been with my husband 10 yrs, married for 8 of them. I'm 34, he's 41. We have one miracle child together. Been through a lot together. A LOT. Multiple pregnancy losses, infertility, bankruptcy, audit... You name it, we went through it. He used to tell me while dating "you're the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, how will I ever stop staring at you". We were like bunnies too in the beginning. I was a virgin, he was experienced. I needed to learn about sex, and once I did, I loved it! 
 
Yes, I know that all the pain and stress and depression and financial burdens have put a stop to his libido and sex drive. I know that he has anxiety and doesn't feel like a man bc he struggles to provide. But you know what guys, I went through ALL of that too. With him. Right by him. And I'm (still) here. But the difference is that I still need to get laid every once and a while. I still feel sexy (when he's not belittling me, or making me feel like a freak for asking/pleading/begging for sex). Who does this to their spouse!? What type of mind-f*ck is this game.  
 
We have sex a couple times a year. A. Year. Wtf. I'm at the pint where I'm so angry. I hate him. Hate. Him. Yet I live with him. Sleep next to him. And we are living separate lives. No kissing. No touching. We get ready in separate rooms. He showers in the home office bathroom. I have no desire to see his body. He disgusts me on a deep level. I have asked him to sleep with pants (underwear) bc I don't want to see anything by accident. Yuck.  
 
I'm still sexual. I still have urges and desires. I think about sex every day, funny thing is that I was never like this. It happened bc he rejected me so so so many times. I became the aggressor. Typical psychology. We've been through years of therapy. Textbook stuff here.  
 
Anyhow. I'm at the point that I'm going quite crazy. I am paranoid that he's having an affair. He must be having sex with someone. Or else he's gay. I know he's not into men, but I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE. He's making me insane. I have checked his bills while he's at work. I have checked the home computer. I am buying a small audio recorder, for spouses to check on their mates for cheating, to place in his car to listen to his conversations...  
 
His emotional abuse and withdrawal has made me contemplate cheating. I just need a man. A MAN. I need warmth. I need compassion and affection!! G-d damn this man has made me question my integrity and my morals!  
 
I want to leave him every day. My child is young. And I have no money saved up. We used to be well together. We used to love each other. I am struggling with each breath I take. I am hanging by a thread. I can't look in his eyes anymore. I know what I must do, but I just can't. I need help.  
 
My heart will surely stop. My breath will surely shorten. My tears will eventually blind me, and my voice is getting lost.... Sometimes I wish I could just die.
Posted @ Wednesday, February 06, 2013 4:03 AM by Tiffany L.
Tiffany, You need to find a professional counselor to talk to. Search online for low-fee counseling, county mental health, or if you're really thinking of hurting yourself, a 24-hour crisis line, where you can talk to someone immediately. There's a lot more going on here than sex, for both of you, and you need a professional to help you sort it out. -Kurt
Posted @ Monday, February 11, 2013 1:28 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
So I went to see a physiologist and it has taken a big load off my back. Helping me to have less fear about living and feeling less guilty for wanting a full life that includes sex. I am coming to terms with myself and learning to love the person I once was that I lost over the past 16 years. I have filed for divorce and although I have not served my husband yet, Im a little scared, I know that this is truly the best thing. The physiologist has helped me to realize it's it okay to want more out of life. She has me reading a book I have found very helpful, it's called Taking Space. I feel horrible that I feel my only option is to leave and yes my husband is going to be dumbfounded and shocked. He wouldn't change things, and at this point I don't want him to. I just hope he can find a lady that just wants to sit a home and watch documentaries, go out to eat every night and doesn't want the physical relationship. I know she is out there for him:) 
BTW... Most insurance cover this kind of help. Call your insurance for a list of approved doctors.
Posted @ Tuesday, February 12, 2013 8:26 AM by Judi
So, it turns out he has an online porn addiction. This parasite of a man has been keeping this from me since before we were together (10 years). He also has very addictive tendencies that I am seeing now. He's always blaming me, putting me down and basically living way beyond his (our) means. I kicked him out. I am disgusted by him. I can't look in his eyes. This all happened after I read what I wrote here last week. I guess when you see your pain written down in black and white, its time for a change... We are in crisis mode. We are going to therapy together a couples times a week. He's going to a psychiatrist and started to take meds for bipolar/manic depression. I am trying to see if I can or should make this work with him. I'm just disgusted and angry right now. The dr is helping him understand his addiction and why he's using it as a coping mechanism. And I'm going to understand why I have put up with this for so long... Thank you Kurt. I think everyone here is so brave...
Posted @ Tuesday, February 19, 2013 1:40 PM by Tiffany L.
I have been married almost a year and before that we had only been together maybe 8 months. I am 28, he is 50. We never had a crazy amount of sex (3 times a week)and now its every 10 days maybe. The times we do attempt to be intimate he takes almost no initiative and more then half the time loses his erection a few minutes into it. He takes a prescription for ED but I truly think there is something else to it because he is in really good physical shape, had his testosterone tested it's actually higher for his age, there is no physical explanation. All I know is it makes my self esteem go right in the toilet and it has gotten to the point where I almost feel embarrassed to be intimate because I feel so unattractive to him. I don't think I'm his type and honestly now think that he began dating me out of desperation or just sick of being single.
Posted @ Thursday, February 21, 2013 12:23 PM by MissBelle
I need help. My husband is military. never been deployed but the usual long hours. We met 2 years ago. We actually met through a friend and starting talking online. Fell head over heels for him and moved 3000 miles to be with him. We got married shortly after and immeiately got pregnant! I actually got pregnant on our wedding night, which is special because I lost my virginity to my husband that night! Within weeks of marriage sex came once every two weeks...Then slowed down to once every 6 weeks. I had my son andhe is a year old. I gained about 25 lbs since I gave birth but I am still very attractive and have men hitting on me downtown or at clubs etc. so i think im decently attractive at 22. My husband hasnt had sex with me in over a year. He is 23. Fit, good looking. We fight a lot. Out of the blue, he moved out one day last month and said he wanted a divorce. I begged him to stay. He only came home when I found out hed started a relationship online with on old friend as they were in love and had plans to divorce me, and raise my child together... I told him id take our son and fight it out in court. He came home. He was in apologetic mode for awhile. back to the young man I fell in love with. But within weeks things went back to fighting. He fights. I just listen now. My resentment for him is in his lack of sexual interest in me. My husband and I have literally NEVER made out, I dont remember ever having the O with him. Its never been passionate. He tried to leave me for another woman, and on top of that never engages in handholding or conversation with me. We are roommates essentially. I know he masturbates once a week or so to porn and even that hurts me. I feel run down at this point. All the rejection and never feeling good enough. I want to make my husband happy. SO he never thinks of leaving me again. I want to feel as beautiful as the girl I see in the mirror. I want to feel wanted by him. I dont know how to get him to WANT to connect with me on a sexual level. I love him and my son so dearly that I need us to work this out. Ive been to counceling with him breifly and we cant find any underlying reasons. I honestly think my husband wants to be married to me, but have sex with someone else. His online relationship he had with the other woman, they talked about sexual things they wanted to do together. Things i never had heard him say before. I try to talk more sexual to him on a regular basis, build him up etc...but nothing works. Ive realized that my husband is onlly not wanting to have sex with me. his firends say he makes sexual comments about other woman, but not me. Is my marriage over? Im 22 with a young child. Should I start over? Can I make my husband fall in love with me again?
Posted @ Friday, February 22, 2013 12:08 AM by unsatisfied armywife
I get better sex from hand than my wife. Been using my hand for years and really forgot about my wife. As far as I'm concerned she can go else ware for sex and love
Posted @ Sunday, March 31, 2013 7:32 PM by Andy
That sounds so sad, but I am a woman in the same boat, I do not want him to go else where but I'm afraid he already has. Why in the world should a married person be without love and sex, isn't this the reason we get married, not to mention, that it makes you fel awful worse than if you were single... 
 
 
Posted @ Monday, April 01, 2013 5:41 PM by helen chesney
7 years. From 2005 until 2012. before that it was once or twice a year. When we were first together it was so hot!!! 
I want to leave him.
Posted @ Sunday, April 28, 2013 1:09 AM by saddepressedlonelygrl
So sad and frustrated right now. My husband and I have been married for only a little over a year but have been together for over 3 years... He is very sweet and we get along well but he can be a little and rejects me alot physically.. He doesn't call em names or anything but he is very evasive and turns me down when I try to be sexual with him. He says it's a turn off or he's tired. It just makes me feel unattractive or just that he is not really interested in being sexual with me until he wants it which is bi weekly..... And not enough... I feel unattractive and undesired... I don't know what to do.. We've sat down talked about it and said we'd try different things and then he reneges of course. Not sure what to do....... :(
Posted @ Monday, June 03, 2013 8:39 PM by lonelygirl
I have been married to a man for twelve years with no sex. Before we got married we had hot, wild sex. Then his parents passed away. We had sex one last time, and since that time, we haven't had sex since. Not in the twelve years that we have been married once. We went to a urologist who said he had ED. They prescribed viagara which did not help, so the doctor gave him levitra. Levitra worked a little better, but not much better. We were going to a marriage counselor at the time. The marriage counselor wanted us to do a touching exercise, but without sex. We were both too frustrated and did not really want to do the exercise. He told me then that he thought that the marriage counselor was siding with me, and was against him, and that if we continued to see him we would end up getting divorced. He made up stop seeing the marriage counselor and well as stop seeing the urologist. I honestly think cialis could have been the answer but I will never know because he did not want to try and continue with the treatments. I wanted to have a child. When I married him I was 41. Now I am 52 going on 53. I read internet stuff about women my age having children. But he won't give me any sex. He has no interest, and for the past five years, he has been sleeping on the couch. HELP!!
Posted @ Saturday, June 29, 2013 7:23 PM by LonelyWoman
I am so in love with my husband. we have been married for two years and together for almost six. he treats me good and has never hurt me with his hands or his words. so I fill so bad when I think about the fact that he does not touch me. sense we married we have had sex three times. we never have had a crazy sex life. he has had problems with ED. so after we married I encouraged him to go to the doctor and get some pills to help. the pills made him dizzy and he would get a headache. so we went back and they gave him something different. I spent close to 400 getting the prescription and was excitied that I would get to have sex about 24 times in the near future. well that was over a year ago and he has not used the first pill.  
I am so sad when I think about it. it makes me feel gross and unwanted. I came home early from an appointment the other day with the kids and something seemed weird,like I had enterupted something. later that night I check the computer history and he been looking at porn when ever I am not home. now I really feel like something is wrong with me and it makes me really sad and hurt. 
I see from countless sites that guys do this a lot. I can also take care of my own needs I just prefer to share that with the man that I am madly in love with. sense I have been with him I have known true love and never been so loved but, I guess in order to see a rainbow you have to weather the storm. I have no one to talk to about this and I don't want to fight with him about it. if he is going to do this my feelings will not change for him so guess I will have to deal with it. does anyone know why these guys all prefer porn to a real women? I have needs . I have never loved someone so much or felt so lonely in my life.
Posted @ Sunday, September 22, 2013 11:20 PM by inlove and sad
Hi Kurt, I live in Auburn, Ca. Do you have any recomendations for Christian based, sex addiction counseling, that "does" have a sliding scale? Specifically, looking to fallow the grieve first, forgive second model. Thanks so much!
Posted @ Friday, September 27, 2013 11:58 AM by Sarah
Sarah,  
 
The best way to find a local counselor would be to visit Goodtherapy.org or PsychologyToday.com.  
 
We would be happy to help you and may be your best option because of our specialties. We do offer phone and virtual counseling for people who cannot physically come in to our office. About a third of our clients choose to meet this way, so it's pretty normal, and comfortable and easy once you give it a try.  
 
If you'd like more information on our services, I'd be happy to provide.  
 
~ Melissa 
 
Office Manager at Guy Stuff Counseling
Posted @ Friday, September 27, 2013 12:09 PM by Client Support
That actually, has proved to not be the best for me. I had already visited those sites, specifically. Ill just keep praying for Gods leading. Thanks for responding to my question. - Sarah
Posted @ Friday, September 27, 2013 12:41 PM by Sarah
My husband stopped having sex with me after I discovered inappropriate conversations he was having with a much younger co worker. Before he stopped I had been able to smell the other woman on his "twig& berry's". Ling story short, I can never prove anything and I've got something seriously wrong with me when I bring up his infidelities. 
I have not had sex in 9 years. I'm 44. I've hit an all time low now. We've talked about it and he has all kinds of excuses, including my appearance. Why doesn't he just ask me for a divorce? I worked full time and taught 8 fitness classes each work week. I did that for over 6 years to attempt to be more attractive to him. I had a tummy tuck and a breast enlargement. Nothing works. Now that im at rock bottom I no longer care about anything. I've gained weight because I quit both of my jobs. He does not want me to work. Or to even really leave the house because he's afraid I'll get into a car accident. I've stopped exercising, started drinking, don't dress up anymore and don't wear make up. What's the point anymore? I have no friends or family. He dislikes my entire family and always intimidates any friends I make. Tonight I finally just snapped and began crying hard. When I told him I missed him intimately and I need him. That he doesn't understand the impact its having on me. He got really pissed and told me there are more important things that I should be focused on. Like cooking, cleaning, ironing his clothes managing the finances. He stormed off & went to bed. I've tried everything over the years and I just don't know what to do. I'm trapped. I have no where to go and no money to support myself. I feel like I'm at the end, backed into a corner. He won't go to counseling with me. He said no man will have me and I will never find one as good as him so I should just move out if I'm so unhappy. he knows I can't because I would be on the street. I'm trying to get a job, but still nothing. What can I do? Why do I still love him so much? He is right, no man would be interested in me now.
Posted @ Friday, March 14, 2014 2:58 AM by This side of madness
I am 40 and hubby is 50.we will be married in Oct for 2 yrs but we haven't had sex in yr. I even walked around naked in front of him and tell him what I need. What do I do? The one time I tell him I need him sexual he tells me no and had plans to go to gun range with friend. He tells me what if he showed up while we were doing sex. He said he have to quit when his friend got there so we didn't have sex. Feel unloved and unwanted what do I do. 
Posted @ Friday, March 28, 2014 10:55 PM by jannette
Kurt is there anyway a man can increase his libido my husband says he wants to have sex but has no desire to the point he won't even try so how do you fix the no desire or libido??? Sound like a lot of people have the same problem after 43 years of a very good relationship how can that just turn off in a day, i just feel alone when he's sitting in the same room he won't even look at me anymore with out clothes on I feel like I'm living with someone I don't know anymore.
Posted @ Thursday, June 05, 2014 12:02 AM by Deb
Yes, Deb, men can turn their libido back on. And I don't believe it just shuts off one day - we just finally notice it one day. There are most likely contributing factors to his loss of sex drive that he's not aware of and he needs a professional counselor to help him figure them out. -Kurt
Posted @ Thursday, June 05, 2014 10:57 AM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
My husband and I have never been match sexually. I had zero libido when we met and married (he was virgin at the time). Now my hormones are balanced and I am feeling the feeling, but he has no sexual response. He loves me and I him so we are going to start playing with toys in bed. Stimulating me with his hand or a toy though he has no sexual desire is a wonderful gift he gives me. I love him even more for his willingness to be so generous.
Posted @ Thursday, July 17, 2014 6:56 PM by Erika Schneider
Erika, Being willing to meet each other's needs even when there is not desire is what love and marriage is all about. By you both taking those steps you just might discover more desire. It's possible there is more to why the desire is not there, so I'd have him see a medical doctor and a mind doctor (like me) for evaluations just to rule out other possible causes. Loss of sex drive is typically more about the mind than the body. -Kurt
Posted @ Saturday, July 19, 2014 8:31 AM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
I have been married 25 yrs... 4 children. . 1 left at home.. i think I'm headed for a divorce.. my husband wont kiss me .. hold me.. hug me.. no sex at all.. i think i have said too many hateful things to him to even fix it.. I'm devastated to think my marriage will end but i don't know what to do! Our children will be so hurt that I will more than likely just stay.. I have lost all self esteem .. I'm so lost and my husband won't talk.. he doesn't want to deal with this
Posted @ Sunday, August 03, 2014 7:47 PM by Sandra Shulte
Sandra, Get some guidance from a professional counselor to learn what you can do to fix your marriage. -Kurt
Posted @ Saturday, August 09, 2014 7:12 PM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
Everybody on here is saying they know their husbands are not cheating. That is what I thought and my husband picked the worst person in the world to cheat with. He is no longer cheating, we still dont have sex. Im pretty much about to walk out the door and never look back. I'm too pretty to not be desired and skanky women will not come before me.
Posted @ Monday, August 18, 2014 4:55 PM by Amber
Amber, Good job on valuing yourself and not accepting his cheating, but this doesn't mean you have to leave the relationship if he'll learn how to change. Use that same self-worth and high expectation to push him to change in order to keep you. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 4:27 PM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
Post Comment
Name
 *
Email
 *
Website (optional)
Comment
 *

Allowed tags: <a> link, <b> bold, <i> italics