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Mr. Marriage Counselor - "My Husband Won’t Go to Marriage Counseling"

  
  
  
  

Marriage Counselor - My Husband Won’t Go to Marriage Counseling

Q: HELP! My husband and I have 4 kids. Well, I have 4, he and I have 2 (you'll see why I made the separation). The reason I chose to contact you is because I am pulling my husbands teeth (as we speak) to get counseling to happen! He does not believe in telling a stranger our problems, let alone paying a stranger to "fix" them.

Simply put, we're on the verge of separation or possibly even divorce after 7 years married (ten together).  Our issues range from financial (his primary complaint and excuse), to my older children (discipline, their Dad, etc.), his short temper/crappy attitude (my complaints).

Things are out of control and the marriage has lost mutual respect and affection and been replaced with animosity and the cold shoulder.  My husband won't go to marriage counseling.  What do I do?

--Mary B.

A: You're far from alone.  A lot of women have got husbands or boyfriends who refuse to go to counseling.

There can be a lot of reasons why men don't want to go to counseling.  Here are a few:

  •  
    • Some guys have had past experiences with counseling that in their view hasn't been good or successful
    • A lot of men don't like to acknowledge that they don't know something or can't fix something themselves
    • Going to counseling means admitting there's a problem and something needs to change - another thing some men don't want to acknowledge
    • Some men refuse to go to counseling as a way to control their partner and the relationship

A lot of women suggest marriage counseling for years, ask their husband to go over and over again, and even find a "guy friendly" counselor like me, but they never end up going because every time they mention it, he refuses.

A woman contacted us this week to schedule an appointment for her and her husband, but when he refused to go she gave up -- "Unfortunately, my husband will not come so I will not need the appointment time.  Thank you and I'm sorry I wasted your time."

Here's a powerful concept that a lot more women need to grasp - you don't need him to go to counseling for you to go yourself or for your relationship to change.

Here's what's happened when women have come by themselves for marriage counseling:

  •  
    • Some husbands end up coming after she does to tell "his side of the story" and set the counselor straight
    • The women learn skills and tools they can use to change their relationship -- and their relationship starts to change (see the article How to Save My Marriage - When I Can't Get My Husband to Change for a real example from Carrie)
    • These women also empower themselves, and their children, and start to take better care of themselves
    • All of the women learn that marriage counseling doesn't require both partners to work

So what do you do when your husband, fiancée, or boyfriend won't go to counselingGo without him.

--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor

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Comments

Well I was writing because my husband has turned a cold shoulder towards my children because my younger child has a anger problem and when he tries to discipline him her curses at him,hollow at him or talk back.He is a step-father to them.He is always in the room and pays no attention to them sometimes only if they are asking a question then he responds.We have other problems in our marriage besides that.I just want to know your insite on what I've told you so far.
Posted @ Tuesday, April 19, 2011 2:58 PM by lisa
Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 12 years. We have had a lot of issues growing up as childern in which we need to get over in order to lead prosperous lives within our relationship as well as parents. We have two children which are 4 and 2 years of age which are now starting to become effected by it. I have mentioned counseling in the past. We have tried it before in which he has admitted to me that he wasn't giving it his all because he didn't trust the therapist. The Couple therapist suggested for us to see someone individually in which he went one time and i was going consistently. You don't want to push anyone ; however, i don't feel as though by me just going is actually going to be enough. How long does it generally take before you start to see results.
Posted @ Sunday, July 03, 2011 8:35 AM by Erin
My husband told me yesterday that he doesn't want to go to counseling, he stated that "we" weren't ready. I told him to speak for himself as felt i was ready and it is necessary since we do not even communicate have sex or do anything together anymore. He continued to say "we" when i again stated I am just say you are not He still would not say He wasn't. I have found another womans picture on his cell phone and pictures of her vagina he claims he doesn't know where the picture came from or how they got on his phone. he says i have a trust issue and until i can trust him there is no reason to go to counseling. He even stated that if i keep asking the same questions i am going to get the same answers - the cell phone is just one of the things i have found. Anyway he says he wants to stay married, but yet he doesn't want to address the reasons i do not trust him. He always makes it my issue but takes no responsibility in how we got to this point. He will not acknowledge that my asking about the pictures were legitimate questions. He says I should just accept what he says and drop it. Your insight would be most appreciated.
Posted @ Monday, July 18, 2011 9:52 AM by dgreen
married ten and half years just discovered an "emotional affair". He met this woman at a wedding he went without me in a different State, he flew back the very next day but he had his new "friend" as he called her when I confronted him. He said she was just someone to talk to, I am not stupid you dont just talk about anything innocent at 2-3 am or text all through the day. I asked if he wanted a Divorce and he said no I then told him I didnt believe in separation to what he replied "why not?" and then said just like I dont believe in marriage counceling. so here we are attempting to somehow magically repair whatever we have, but he does not want to go to counceling and worst of all has not acknowledged he did wrong nor apologized. the confrontation happened 4 days ago I am physically sick still,cant realy eat some times, already lost ten ounds, every day I cry at different times of day... I dont know how to trust him he is not doing anything for me to trust him. 
PS: I have gone to marriage counseling without him to the point where they cant do much for me if he dont show up.
Posted @ Tuesday, July 19, 2011 7:04 PM by Patricia
Have never posted anything on a Blog before but I feel like maybe I will get some good advise. My husband left four months ago. We mutually agreed on this. He said he didn't want to talk to me or share any if his feelings with me. This same thing happend five years ago and I didn't want to live in an uncomfortable situation again. We agreed that we would talk over the phone to avoid any arguments.  
After the separation he kept telling me he wasn't ready to talk. This went on for two months. He finally started talking and telling me he was angry because I never opened my heart up completely to his family " Mom, brother and sister plus their families. This is true. The family problems on that side include alcoholism , drug use, and a mother who won't get out of her house. She completely depends on my husband for entertainment. I should have not shut myself off as much as I did but that us in the past. He still hold a huge amount of anger about that. In addition our marraige went terribly wrong five years ago when he became distant and wouldn't talk to me. Unfortunately I found out that he had a female co worker that he was confiding in. This hurt me extremely badly. I was so angry. He said they were just friends but when I and a marraige councilor told him that it was wrong to have a relationship like that behind his wife's back he got angry and said he didn't want to hurt her feelings. I was crushed. After time he told me that he loved me and he was wrong and he wanted to put the whole thing behind us and just be happy again. It took me almost two years to quit obsessing over this other women and not question in my own mind what he was doing when he was at work.  
Now everything he said he wanted to let go of five years ago has come back. All the issues he did not want to deal with. This woman that he had this friendship with is now applying to work side by side with my husband. It's all come back!!!!! He told me we will just have to wait and see if she gets the job. If so yes it's going to be a problem. If not then it won't be an issue. REALLY? I think either way it is an issue. He says he doesn't want a divorce but he is doing nothing to save our family. He thinks he is but even our grown children say he has lost his mind. He us defenatly not the person we have shared our lives with for the past 19 years.  
Help...............
Posted @ Sunday, July 31, 2011 6:01 PM by Dawn
That's all well and good to say, "go with out him", but what if he says I cannot go and is even more emphatic about not letting me go when he finds out the cost? He believes that since it's me that causes the problems in our relationship, why should he have to suffer counselling. I don't know how to convince him to go and I don't dare say he is part of the problem with the way he reacts and treats me. He says I just need to do the things I say I am going to do, we/I don't need counselling or to read a book or to watch a video or anything else. He also believes that all counselling, seminars, and retreats will just end up convincing me to leave him (empowerment junk), that none of them actually focus on fixing problems, it just makes you feel stronger and okay with divorce. He won't even discuss it or read any of the information I print/save for seminars, webinars, teleconferences, retreats, etc. (since it's not his problem, why should he?). What do I do? He ridicules me reading self help stuff, and since I can't implement 99% of the stuff I read (it all requires contribution and committment from both partners), his ridiculing is validated. 
 
Posted @ Friday, September 16, 2011 10:01 PM by Ms. Jones
What if the woman sets up a marriage counselling session but does not tell the husband? In other words she wants to go alone first and then include the husband. I am in this boat. I have not refused to go, but she will not include me from the onset. Which I believe is wrong. It almost seems like she wants to go in first in order to sway opinion in her favour. I believe that if counselling is the answer then it should be done on mutual ground and both parties should be included from the very beginning. Am I wrong in feeling this way?
Posted @ Monday, October 31, 2011 9:44 AM by Larry Morris
DGreen and Ms. Jones, you have controlling husbands and should read some of the posts under the Abusive Relationships topic for more help. 
 
Patricia, In my work with one partner we don't reach a point where we're stuck and can't do anything else unless he comes to counseling. I believe this empowers his control and is untrue. 
 
Larry, I understand your desire to start together, and generally I agree with it. However, I know some people need the opportunity to talk individually first. I'd let her go alone and just ask for equal individual time for yourself, and then have joint sessions after that. In my couples counseling I have individual meetings with each partner in addition to joint, so this is not unusual. 
 
--Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, March 13, 2012 1:05 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Two weeks ago, i noticed that my husband was texting alot to who i didn't know, so i stole his phone and found out that he was texting girl he met while on his deliveries for work. I asked him if he was having an affair and he said no, it was nice to talk to someone who treated him nicely. Evedently since our daughter was born 5 years ago he believes that i treat him like shit and that he is scared to talk to me because i might blow up. After easter was over he left and stayed at his parents for the week and when he came back he said part of him wants to work on the marriage and part wants to give up because it has been 5 years of thinking like this. i just found out 2 weeks ago and am willing to go to counseling but he says why put the effort into something and have it hit a brick wall. I feel that if he wanted to work on this together then counseling is the best option. I have asked him to stop texting the other girl but he says that they are just friends, i went and met her and you could see that she is falling in love with my husband. Last night when i got home from class i checked the caller id and saw that she is now calling the house. If he wanted to work on things why is she calling my house when he is supposed to be with our children. We have been together for 14 years and married for 7, i don't think that i can go one very night wondering when he is going to leave again and why he can't just talk to me and not her.
Posted @ Tuesday, April 17, 2012 6:01 AM by Jen
Jen, you need some professional support and guidance to deal with this. Find a counselor. -Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, April 18, 2012 12:49 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
For 8 years my wife has been sleeping in another room - hasn't touched me - and makes it clear she is uncomfortable if I touch her. Married 30 years - a tough 30 years - keeps insisting that I must go to counseling - she will not participate - bosses me around - was the dishes - pick this up from the store etc - and I do it - just so wiped out -
Posted @ Thursday, April 26, 2012 10:44 AM by So Worn Out
So Worn Out, You should go to counseling without her. First, so you can learn how to change your relationship. Second, because a lot of women will come after their husbands start. Get some help. It doesn't have to be this way. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, May 08, 2012 1:21 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
my husband and i have been married a little over a year & together for a little over 2 years he is a truck driver always gone & when he is here hes ok but then when he leaves he turns into a monster he wants a divorce  
 
& had gotten the papers to get on  
 
& then told me to tear them up i dont understand him so now he wants a divorce again he has no communication skills any discussion to him is an argument ive told him fine get the papers and get me served so that i can send a letter ive wrote along with my response & maybe get him court ordered counceling there are alot of issues he needs help with & now he wont have me served because he dont want counceling is there any way i can get him court ordered counceling without having to do divorce papers i love my husband dearly he just needs help. Some of our issues are he cant communicate he calls to just start fights & then says hes just joking one day he loves me the next he dont he sneaks around with his ex wife to see his son because she dont want me in the picture he expects me to work pay all the bills buy everything needed for the house wash his clothes clean for him ect... im at my wits end please help he cant even tell me what ive done wrong so i dont know
Posted @ Sunday, June 03, 2012 5:59 PM by Melissa
Melissa, A judge can order someone to counseling but can't force them to go, or more importantly, to learn anything and change. Go by yourself and learn how you can change the relationship. It does't take 2 people to make marriage counseling work. I work with 1 person all the time. -Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, June 06, 2012 2:33 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
My story is much like most of the ones I have read on here. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married 3 of those 10. We have one child together who is 6 and another I have from a previous marriage who is 16. My husband drives a truck for a living and is gone 2 nights a week. I lost my job in March but I am getting unemployment that is just about as much as I was making when I was working and the deal was I stay home with the kids, take care of the house and continue my school work which I started before losing my job. Now it seems like every time he is home, he is so upset with everyone. I talk to him calmly about these issues but it always ends up in a big fight. He says he doesn't feel that we are doing what we are supposed to be doing when he is not here although he has clean clothes, a clean house, clean kids, lunch made for him everyday he works along with dinners I pack for his trips, he has a hot dinner waiting for him here and even though I have trust issues from a previous affair, I am not accusing him of doing anything even though he has quite a bit of opportunity at this time. He is making me and my kids feel like we are not good enough for him and that no matter how hard we try, especially me, it is not enough. I made all A's on my last quarter and had some really hard classes and when I told him about this, he was more concerned with talking about some person who cut him off at work when driving down the freeway. He will not accept any responsibility for any of the conflicts we have saying that he is only reactionary and only acts based on the way everyone else is treating him. I feel this is a cop out and a way to avoid putting any blame on himself because he is treated like the king here. We do everything for him, he doesn't have to lift a finger or even get his own damned food when he is on the road. I am quite angry with him and when I asked him if he felt I was the only one causing problems in our relationship, he said yes. I am going to go to counceling alone since he always has some excuse why we cannot go, money, time, etc. I do not want a divorce but I don't think I can live with someone who makes me feel like I am never going to meet the standards that they have set so high that I can never achieve. Am I wrong for thinking that until we both accept responsibility for the wrongs we create that this will never work? I am just wondering about your professional experience with situations like this and can people change, can he drop this superiority complex he has and be content with a loving wife and kids who do everything for him or are we making it worse by making him think he should be the most important things in our lives?
Posted @ Friday, June 22, 2012 7:43 AM by hurts so much
It isn't that my husband has verbally refused to go into counseling...he chooses to focus on every daily routine possible to avoid even discussing it. He made a few calls, found the rates and instead chose to pay off bills today, pay for an airline ticket for himself and not re-visit the counseling subject especially since it's pay day and there is money to initiate the session. I don't want to bring it up because it just gives opportunity for him to claim I'm nagging, which I've never been because I love him. He is his own person, but I'd hoped that his choice would include repairing this new marriage before it's too late. :(
Posted @ Friday, June 22, 2012 9:48 AM by Deb R.
Hurts So Much, You're right that you both need to accept responsibility and that this is necessary for things to truly change. However, can things change just by you changing? Yes. So go to counseling without him and learn how to do this. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, July 03, 2012 8:40 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
I have decided to divorce my husband due to the fact that he refuses to go to counseling. We have been married almost 9 years and have two beautiful children. He is a good guy, but he is incapable of communication. He literally sits there with his back to me, or staring at the floor whenever I try to discuss anything with him. He either gets angry, or refuses to answer me. Im not exaggerating here either. He will mumble things I cant hear or in a 20 min convo he will MAYBE utter two lines.  
 
When I think back on why I didnt see this him, I think I mistook his fear of intimacy as shyness or lack of experience. I have tried everything. I told him two years ago that if we didnt get help I was worried that we wouldnt make it. Finally suggested counseling in 2009 and he said okay. He even offered to set the appointment. but he never did. Two years passed of us living under the same roof but estranged (no sex, no going out, nothing). I finally got the nerve to file in March, while we were still living together because we couldnt afford to move.  
 
As the divorce drew nearer I started having doubts and came to him (for the 1000th time) asking him to talk to me (does he really want to divorce, can we work it out, blah blah). I told him if we were to try we would have to see a counselor. He agreed. that was a month ago. I was going to set the appt and drag him there, but he said he would handle it. I thought, surely he would jump at the opportunity for a 2nd chance and not make the same mistake again. But he has yet to call. Now, yes, I could call, go on my own and learn some useful tools, but what is this man willing to do for ME, for his family? Had it not been for me asking him if he wanted to try, he would have let me divorce him just because he didnt know how to ask me to stay! Pride, or fear, I dont know but he needs individual therapy. I feel like why am *I* going thru all of this emotional turmoil and angst over a man who cant even be bothered to show a little effort to save his family? I make all the decisions and Im tired of it. I have been waiting for a sign from God whether I should stay or leave. The other day I asked him why hadnt he followed up w/ making the appt and he snapped at me and said that he would GET TO IT and that I should stop asking him. Not exactly a man who wants to save his marriage. So I sent the rest of the divorce papers in to the court yesterday. Ive done all I am willing to do here. Part of me believes he wants out too but wont say it because he wants to be able to play victim as the one who got left. Hes a mamas boy, leaves all of the decisions regarding our children to me and has the emotional maturity of a teenager. Im SO DONE.
Posted @ Tuesday, July 03, 2012 11:45 PM by Tamra
Tamra, Sorry to hear your story. We can only ask and get no response for so long. Change has to happen. Be sure to get support and guidance as you go through your divorce - it can be such a destructive process. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, July 17, 2012 7:23 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
I have a situation with my Live in boyfriend. I have asked him to go to counseling because I felt it would help oUr relationship. You see over the course of our relationship I have found out that he had been seeing women he met online. Like Facebook. Once I looked at his phone and found many text messages from these women. One woman called his cell phone and I answered because he left it home...and she just hung up on me.  
The point I really want to make with him is that he does not seem to have any remorse for what he has done. He doesn't acknowledge my pain and hurt. He thinks sweeping it under The carpet will be ok. I have old him he needs to work on this with me. Some of these women still contact him and he will not tell hem to just stop. His exact words are ...they don't mean anything to me, but you do. Can't you see that? I make my home with you not them. I choose to be with you not them. Why do they bother you if I am home with you every night? He doesn't get that his communications ( and hiding it from me) are wrong if trust has been broken. Not sure what to do now.
Posted @ Wednesday, July 18, 2012 3:30 AM by Nina
Nina, Your relationship doesn't appear to have the love and respect it needs. Get some guidance from a professional counselor on how to change that. -Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, July 18, 2012 7:58 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Hello...my husband and I have been married for 27 years. Now ... 
 
Things are out of control and the marriage has lost mutual respect and affection and been replaced with animosity and the cold shoulder.  
 
 
 
Three times in the past two months he has embarrased me in front of my friends. I would go in to drop off a wedding shower gift and told him to give me a few minutes to say hello ....perhaps I was in for 15 minutes...he comes to the shower and stands at the door with his hands on his hips, mouth poked out, glaring at me. 
 
 
 
This is so unusual for him. He has done someting similar in the 3 similar situations this past summer.  
 
 
 
We had some very , very harsh words to each other at the end of each scenario. The frightening this is that I asked him not to do that ever again. His response was - No, I will do again, you just wait and see! I was shocked when he said that. 
 
 
 
As you all know, that relationships are complicated to say least,but this behavior is very, very concerning to me. It shows no respect whatsoever. 
 
 
 
What are your thoughts? Counseling is out for him. Should I go alone? 
 
What are y
Posted @ Tuesday, September 04, 2012 6:47 PM by Teri
Teri, Yes, you should go to counseling alone. And after you do you might be surprised to find that he then wants to go to tell his side of the story or to set the counselor straight. Don't allow him to control your access to help - go by yourself. -Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, September 05, 2012 1:04 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
I wanted my husband to go to a court ordered counciling. But he does not want to go. I have also ask him to go to counciling with me without the court order i thought he was thinking about it because he had kept the info that i gave him. Should I tell my lawyer to drop it? I dont want to make things worse for us. We have néver had counciling before and he has filed for a divorce now. He just turned 50 (midlife crisis or ideady crisis) and we have three teenagers and we have been married 25 years. What should I do?I love him and don't want a divorce. He says he just wants to be free and on his own and I asked if there was another woman he said no. We are separated now and he is staying at his sisters house. I noticed he did remove his wedding ring too. What does that mean? We still do things together with the kids like football games and usually seat together. He seems friendlier to me but he does not want to talk about the past he becomes angery, when he is not around the people that don't support us being married. Since he has left he acts more respectful to me now why? Should I text words of concideration and incouagement. And just be sweet fun and happy I want to cook for him. I like to make him soups for work lunch that will last the whole week should I keep doing that? Help I am not sure what to do anymore and I just don't want the divorce. Our main problem is communication. He handles all our financial issue which I no is very stressful I want to help him. His job is stressful too. Help! Thanks
Posted @ Sunday, September 23, 2012 7:20 AM by Maria
Maria, I can't tell you exactly 'why' he is doing what he is doing. There are many possible reasons. You should ask him. This could be a good first step in improving your communication. Start with something simple, like saying you've noticed he's been acting differently towards you and you're wondering why. -Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, October 03, 2012 7:10 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
My husband and I have been married for 6 years, yesterday was our anniversary. We had an argument 8 days ago and he has given me the silent treatment ever since. Me or our two children don't exist to him. Our older son is 4 and has autism. I have tried to talk to him, bared my soul, cried in front of him, and he still has nothing to say and absolutely no emotion, empathy or sympathy. It's like he turned the switch off, and he can go on to work, go out to parties with friends and still does not want to acknowledge me or the kids. I have asked him many times to go to counseling and he is a brick wall. Nothing I say phases him. I am having a very hard time managing my son's autism and having to care for a toddler. I work from home for his offices, but have no job of my own. I just don't know what to do.
Posted @ Monday, November 12, 2012 10:57 AM by Minal
Well..here we go. I am a first time blogger however after reading some of your stories I feel like I can share. My husband says he is no longer in love with me. We have been together for 15 years married for 6. We are now separated as he has moved out of our home. We have had a disconnect in our relationship for a long while and I have asked him over and over to get some help (counseling) together and individual.He would not budge in the matter or throw it back on me to find a couselor.I admit that I felt like "hey if he is not willing to invest and find us help he must not care" maybe bad judgement on my part. My husband has not only left me but turned his back on our church, our friends and everything that I've known as our lives together. Also, Im sure he has started an emotional and or physical affair with someone else. The crazy thing is we have no children and he stills supports me financially, he wants to share in responsibility for our dog. He will come and fix things in the house (if i would ask I dont anymore) He stills keeps his clothes in our basement that Ive asked him to move out into the garage (before i move them) until we figure out our situation...he hasnt yet. I don't know what to think of all this. He has agreed to go to counseling as of late.. all this while stating Im not in love with you anymore. I have offered him divorce and told him to keep his money and live his life he has yet to take these offers but doesnt want to "be bothered" he text me almost everyday with "goodmorning have a great day" WTH!!! this is so confusing I really dont know what to think. Is counseling a waste of time...Is this man playing with my emotions. I am doing all I can to be patient and prayerful. I just feel like what's the use anymore. Emotionally drained.
Posted @ Saturday, December 29, 2012 4:12 PM by PPP
My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. He was in the military for most of our marriage. He told me a few weeks ago that he wants a divorce. He said he loves me but is not in love with me any more. He is not happy and has not been for almost 4 years. I believe that we should try marriage counseling, he refuses. I want us to be able to say we made every possible effort before we call it quits. How do I convince him it could be worth it?
Posted @ Thursday, January 17, 2013 6:33 PM by Jenny
I have been married for 4 yrs now and my husband and I have two wonderful boys. My husband approached me about a month ago and told me that I needed to change or he was gone. I have a problem with control and can not control my anger. I am currently in counseling for both, but my husband will not attend the counseling sessions with me. My counselor has instructed me not to ask him anymore, give him time, and maybe he will come eventually. I've had 4 sessions and the first session he sat out in the waiting room and he made the comment that he doesn't have the problem so he doesn't need to go. He also says that he doesn't like talking about his "problems" with strangers. He has give me a time of one year to change. I have been getting better with my control and still working on my anger. He has told me that I've pushed him away and I can not fix it over night, which I have come to terms with. How do I get him to just listen to what the counselor has been telling me??? -J
Posted @ Tuesday, May 21, 2013 2:24 PM by Jamie
I left my husband 11 weeks ago and for 11 weeks i have cried most of the time.. You see i am so in love with my husband it hurts. 
I met him 6 years ago and put him high on a pedalstal. 
 
He can humiliate me in front of friends and when i ask why he had done that he will say i have no sense of humour. 
 
We went on holiday and as we were sat at a bar in Palma (on my birthday) he stood up and walked away and left me with no money, phone or no way of getting back to our resort.. too scared to move in case he came back and i was not there i sat and waited it out for him to come back which he did, almost 13 hours he left me in that sweltering sun.. sobbing - apparently he had watched me the whole time.. when we got back to the hotel room he told me to leave or he would kill me.. i sat in a bar until 5 in the morning. When i returned he called me a slag and asked who i had slept with ( i wear my heart on my sleeve and have eyes for one man) he refused to talk and went down to the beach, i followed him and he kept trying to run away. he was staring at woman making noises of appreciation and then looking at me like i was nothing.. he eventually ran back to the hotel room and i followed to which he gave me a good kicking because i sat by the door demanding he talk to me instead of behaving in this manner. My legs were so bruised i was cared i would get a DVT flying home.. 
 
My husband is 11 years older than me, he turned 50, I spent £4000 on a holiday to Barbados to celebrate, i sorted the house, cleaned it from top to bottom. I sent my children to there dads so we could have a holiday alone.. just as we were leaving to go to the airport he asked me if i had got a brolly to take (?????) to which i replied no.. He called me a Useless f....ing bint and looked at me in disgust, he eyed me up and down and said i repulsed him and that i knocked him sick.. for two hours he lay on the bed and said he was not going and finally when i got in the car as i was not wasting my hard earned money he decided to come.. when we got to the airport as we were boarding the plane i admired a ladies GUCCI bag and he said so the whole queue could hear " either you shut up or i am not going away with you" i tried to answer him to calm the situation to which he replied "shut the f..k up, are you going to be f....ing quiet or am i going with out you.. that was a very quiet flight as he would not speak. 
 
sometimes he would go for days and not speak. He never apologised to me and i always begged and cried at his feet for forgiveness telling him I loved him so much.. he would always look at me and ask me am i not dead yet. 
 
My husband could also be the nicest man in the world.. when he was good he was the best, he would shower me with gifts. was very kind, had a wide circle of friends and could be extremely funny.. I miss him so much. 
 
When he was good he was the best and when he was bad he was the worse. 
 
I dont think i actually gave him a reason in the 6 years with him to cause a row as i doted on him and adored him but he would stop talking to me for days if i left cutlery in the washing bowl or his collar was not just ironed as he liked or if i pegged the washing out not just as he liked it. 
 
I always apologised and very often in the time we were together, 50+ times have sat by his feet and begged and cried and he never gave in, he would always leave me for days and days begging for him to talk to me 
 
Once i asked him why he does this and he said its too test how much i love him and whether i would stay 
 
About two months before i left him he said he hoped he would get another 5 years out of me.. when i asked why he said so when we split i will only have memories of you and not my ex wife (who he had not seen for 12 years) when i said thats not a nice thing to say he said he did not mean it bad just that he thought i would leave one day as i was too good for him (so why mention the ex wife) 
 
I asked him to come to counselling with me to which he said "im 53 years of age i am not going to change now. Either shut up or put up" 
 
When it was GOOD it was the best but he could turn with no warning and his mum said on her death bed "dont give up on him please, but he can change with the moon"????? 
 
I left the man i adore and cry for every day and blame myself for the hurt i am going through living without him.. but i feel he took my choice away 
 
i feel even though i walked he ended my marriage as i had no choice it was making me ill 
 
 
In January he started asking me to go out and to do him a favour and meet someone else and do him a favour and leave.. I know he never meant these words so why say them????? i did leave him while he went away for 5 days playing golf (he had 4 golfing breaks a year)  
 
If you met him he would tell you how much he loves me because strangely i really do believe he does.. 
 
 
any views would be appreciated.. should i go back??
Posted @ Sunday, August 04, 2013 9:05 AM by Lisa
Hi  
I am a children's therapist and have been currently unemployed and choosing to be a stay home mom. I have been married for the past 11years and have two boys. My husband and I have had our differences of opinions over the attitude of his family towards me and has not once stood up in my support to their demeaning behavior towards me. I have been struggling with him lately again over his lack of emotional availability after my mother passed away. He appears to have checked out of our marriage. He has been yelling at me, is angry, restless, has insomnia and very low self esteem. I was under severe stress this year...I had a very difficult pregnancy, my son was born with a medical condition and I lost my mother who I was very close to. I also lost a few relatives this year. But my husband has not been able to say any comforting words to me or even touch me with a hug. We have intimacy issues. I am recommending couples counseling but he is refusing. We have temporarily separated. What should I do?
Posted @ Tuesday, December 03, 2013 4:41 AM by Victoria
Victoria, Go to couples counseling without him. I find that the other partner will often times go afterwards to tell their "side of the story." Don't let his refusal stop you from getting the help you both need. -Kurt
Posted @ Monday, December 09, 2013 7:28 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
We've been married 46 years and any kind counseling has never worked on my husband. I've threatened to just leave and all I get is don't let the door hit you in the rump. I can't even get under his skin any more. I've been trying to figure out why he hates me, and why we only had sex once in our entire marriage. I know this is probably a waste of time but for some reason I want to know why the way he is.
Posted @ Sunday, December 22, 2013 2:59 PM by Amy
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