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Mr. Marriage Counselor - "Why Do Men Talk About Women to Their Wife?"


Do Husbands Talk About Other Women with Their Wife?Q: Why do men talk about other women to their wife? And is it insensitive for a guy to tell their wife that another woman is hot and sexy?
--Alyson P.

A: Those are great questions.  First of all, not all men do this; in fact, most don't.  Men who do talk about other women with their wives are not being respectful or empathetic to their wives.  So yes, it is insensitive to tell your wife another woman is hot and sexy.

What underlies your questions is the nearly universal habit of men noticing other women.  This issue comes up regularly in my counseling for men and their partners.  Men being visually attracted to other women, even in just the form of noticing them, can take several forms:

  • Noticing other women to such a degree that it bothers your wife.  The wife of one man I counsel describes this behavior by her husband as "gawking;" another wife of a husband in counseling is uncomfortable with his longer than just a passing glance at other women;
  • Talking about the sexual attractiveness other women with your partner, like you describe;
  • Watching TV shows or movies that are sexually oriented, or viewing internet pornography.

I'm a guy, so I know what a challenge this can be for men, especially because we are wired to be visually stimulated and live in such a sexually orientated world.  I would ask for some empathy from women about how hard this can be for us.  Nevertheless, we men need to control our behavior because the above actions are:

  • Disrespectful
  • Demeaning
  • Unloving

The bottom line is that if it makes you uncomfortable, your husband should respect and respond to that.  And you should ask and expect him to

Unfortunately, a lot of women struggle with having a healthy self-identity and don't value themselves enough to expect this from their partners.  Don't be this kind of a wife, you deserve to be treated better.  If your husband doesn't know how to change his behaviors, that's okay, he can learn how by going to marriage counseling for men.

--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor for Men

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What about talking to other guys about women you think are hot? I'm of the opinion that if I would not say it in front of my wife, I should not say it behind her back. Is there a harm to talking with other guys about hot women when your wife is not around?
Posted @ Thursday, December 09, 2010 11:09 PM by JJ
Yes, what about men that talk about other women to their friends. Look at her rack, check out her ass. I find it disrespectful. Am I too sensitive?
Posted @ Saturday, March 17, 2012 2:38 AM by PJ
Mrs. PJ, No, I don't think you're being too sensitive. Just because this is culturally accepted behavior from men, doesn't make it right. There are men who don't do this. -Kurt 
Posted @ Tuesday, March 20, 2012 12:45 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
It woudl bother me either way. If he was doing it infront of me, or doing it behind my back with his male friends. I think a lot of men get to easily caught up in degrading/objectifying women to "bond" with one another. It's like some me nthink it's fun to reduce women down to their body parts so they can feel better together as a collective group over women. I want a man that conducts himself with honor and integrity whether I am looking or not. I don't want to have to be his "nanny", that makes him "behave" when he's only around me. I want him to want to be a good , loyal, honest man of his own accord.
Posted @ Tuesday, May 29, 2012 11:37 AM by EM
EM, Peer pressure is a part of the reason for sure. It also gets labeled as humor rather than what it often is -- degrading/objectifying women. Good thoughts. Thanks for sharing them. -Kurt
Posted @ Thursday, May 31, 2012 8:47 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
i figure it this way it is rude and disrespectful for a man to comment i see good looking men all the time and never do i say a word because i have respect my mom told me whats good for the goose i good for the gander , i love my man very much here lately hes been making comments and it bothers me so im gonna see hoe he likes it ill let ya know the turn out !!
Posted @ Wednesday, June 27, 2012 10:24 AM by lee
My husband recently was joking with other men he works with about these hot women at a salon, and how my husband can get out their for a "haircut", even discussing how he could use cash and go to different women so I don't find out. It hurt me very deeply, to the point I am considering it the last straw of years of feeling dismissed and want to leave him. He says it was a joke, I believe he feels I am reacting way too strongly as if he cheated, something he claims he would never do...and his behavior is something all men do. It really makes me question myself and if I don't get men at all.
Posted @ Sunday, December 09, 2012 5:22 PM by sk
I am currently in the process of getting a divorce from my husband because he went to an Asian massage parlor and had Asian massage parlors and an escort service visited many times under his most frequent favorites. The strange thing is that this is a man who did not bring up noticing other women often. I am interested in a new guy, but am extremely turned off by his honesty about noticing young hot girls body parts, and if we watch a movie together he says, "Please show me your breasts.". I know that he has always liked looking at Playboy and is open about sometimes looking at pornography. I am so turned off by this and have started really distancing myself, but am also wondering if I am the one who is overreacting to this. He also says comparing me is a good thing because I am more beautiful, but this gives me absolutely no comfort. I would greatly  
appreciate any comments or advice. Thank You. Deborah
Posted @ Monday, December 10, 2012 11:59 PM by Deborah
And yet Husbands hear or learn from just about every source available that wives discuss with their friends intimate details about the relationship down to the size of the husbands penis. They also compare and contrast men in a similar way but no mention made here about whether that is disrespectful or not. Why is that?
Posted @ Wednesday, January 23, 2013 5:14 AM by Fred Kennon
Fred, I agree with you that women doing what you describe is disrespectful and wrong. I do not condone nor counsel women to do that, so you're mixing me up with the messages you've heard from others. Be careful because what you're describing could be more perception than reality. I know women who do not discuss things like this about their husbands with their friends. -Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, January 30, 2013 12:08 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
I'm not sure if it is still possible to post messages on this blog, but I found all your messages really useful. Personally, I've tried with many psychologists in order to deal with this problem and after many years I still have the same problem. I cant put up with my bf talking about women's beauty or just glancing at other women. He told me every man behaves in this way and that I would have the same problem with another man. I live in a very male chauvinistic country and I really don't know what to do. Thank you Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 3:42 PM by na
I overheard my husband on the phone telling his friends that the girl (teenage I'm sure)at mcdonalds was a short hot little babe and that he was speechless. This is the tip of the iceberg. He doesn't know I heard. Because of other stuff that has gone on in the past, I've asked him if he behaves this way and he swears he doesn't do this kind of thing. I know he loves me but I refuse to be disrespected this way. Other times I've found out about this kind of behavior he swears it's just a joke. He calls me crazy for feeling the way I do, so now I'm going to counseling,Because I'm the one with the problem!
Posted @ Sunday, January 19, 2014 2:49 AM by wendy
oh yeah, he's 58 years old and I've told him I'm tired of being married to a 17yr old. I'm 53
Posted @ Sunday, January 19, 2014 2:52 AM by wendy
Why my husband told me that if he would be yanger (he is 76, and I an 57) he would go after a women we were taking to while sitting in cafe???
Posted @ Friday, April 18, 2014 12:01 PM by Ellen
Men are so thoughtless, selfish, immature & disrespectful, it's downright disgusting. They can't ever seem to pledge their loyalty to one woman & give her all his undivided attention. Men mysteriously have ADD when it comes to giving their wife/girlfriend love & affection but will gladly, carelessly and freely discuss their attraction to other women. Men, do yourself a favor, don't get married if your just going to throw your attention to multiple women. Because the woman you do marry, will make your life hell if you feel so inclined to be so careless; a sort of get what you give. Seems like all men want to do is lie, brag & exaggerate about random women or women they work with that they think will make them better, richer, smarter, or provide for them life's answer for every question, magically be what they illusion as perfection/attraction and be seen as a trophy to make everyone believe he is a man to somehow make up for his own insecurities or flaws. I will be happy to see someday when the tables are turned. My respect for men has deteriorated & may never be repaired. If you are a true, honest & sincere gentleman reading this, I can only hope you are treating your wife/girlfriend like the queen she deserves to be treated as and vice versa, may your home & family be gratefully blessed an know that you are a dying breed of a great & cherished man, please continue to honor yourself, sons, daughters, wive and pass it on to your children. So that they will too will have a happy marriage & loving respected honored family.
Posted @ Sunday, September 14, 2014 6:34 AM by Anna
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