Learn How To Stop Overthinking In A Relationship

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3 Min Read

Contents

How Overthinking Is Damaging Your Relationship
Why Does Overthinking in a Relationship Happen?
Is That What I’m Doing? To Stop Overthinking In A Relationship You First Have To See It
What Can I Do To Stop Overthinking In My Relationship?
Takeaways To Help You Stop Overthinking In Your Relationship
FAQs

Overthinking is like being on a mental hamster wheel – lots of energy expended, ultimately getting you nowhere. And overthinking in a relationship can take small issues and turn them into big problems.

If you’ve ever,

Reread a text 15 times
Analyzed a comment or message from your partner like it was a secret code
Laid awake imagining worst-case scenarios

You know what I mean. And you know that you’re obsessively and detrimentally overthinking things.

So, how do you stop the cycle of overthinking in a relationship?

Good news! You’re not a lost cause. There are ways you can control your thoughts and break the overthinking habit. It just takes some insight, intentional behavior, and tools.

How Overthinking Is Damaging Your Relationship

Overthinking may seem like a personal problem and your own burden to bear, but its effects spread further than you may realize.

Dr. Kurt works daily with couples and partners for whom this is a problem. According to him,

A common and BIG problem in relationships is overthinking. Ironically, this topic doesn't get talked about much, yet I have to address the additional problems it causes every week. Just as too much time on WebMD self-diagnosing yourself isn't good, so is overthinking your relationship not helpful. I'm not suggesting sticking your head in the sand, but thought control is an important life skill."

Not only is overthinking in a relationship stealing your peace, but it can also affect the way you relate to other situations and create problems for your partner.

How?

For you, overthinking can,

Keep you from being present. This means with your kids, work, friends, and definitely with your partner.
Prevent you from enjoying life and happy moments. When you constantly replay situations in your head and worry about things, there’s no room for joy.
Steal your self-confidence and make you question yourself.

For your partner, overthinking can,

Make them feel like they must walk on eggshells around you and second guess what they say and do.
Cause them to overthink too, wondering how they interact with you so as not to set you off.
Create distance and a breakdown in emotional intimacy.

Why Does Overthinking in a Relationship Happen?

Overthinking is generally a product of internal fear and stems from past experiences.

Rejection
Betrayal
Abandonment
Abuse
Past infidelity

These can all create a mental home for fear that we don’t know how to express or deal with appropriately. As a result, we overthink, second guess, make assumptions, and obsess over things rather than being open and discussing them.

Is That What I’m Doing? To Stop Overthinking In A Relationship You First Have To See It

Often people don’t even realize what they’re doing. They may know that they’re uncomfortable and things don’t feel calm and happy, but they just can’t put their finger on it.

Before you can fix a problem, you must know the problem. So, to stop overthinking in a relationship you need to recognize what you’re doing.

Overthinking in a relationship can look like,

Constantly trying to read between the lines.

“He said, ‘I’m tired’ – does that mean he’s losing interest? Maybe it means he doesn’t find me attractive anymore.”

Replaying and rethinking conversations.

“Why did I say that?”
“Did I sound clingy?”
“I should have been more casual about it.”
“Was I being weird?”

Catastrophizing.

“She said she’d be home at 6. It’s 6:15 – she must be having an affair.”
“His text response was only one word, and there was no heart emoji – he must be mad at me.”
“He hasn’t texted me back in an hour – is he dead? Is he breaking up with me?”

Seeking constant reassurance.

“Are we okay?”
“Do you still love me?”

Avoiding vulnerability.

“Yes, I’m upset, but no – I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Whatever. You can do what you want, I’m fine. I just know you don’t care about me.”

When you analyze instead of express, you’re avoiding your feelings and not allowing yourself to trust your partner.

What Can I Do To Stop Overthinking In My Relationship?

In addition to becoming aware of your behavior and how it’s damaging to you, your partner, and your relationship, there are a few things that can help you break the pattern.

The biggest is to start paying attention to your behavior patterns and triggers.

Ask yourself the following questions:

Do you overthink when,

You’re tired?
When you don’t hear back from your partner within 10 minutes? An hour? A few hours?
You’re scrolling through social media?
It’s a specific time of day?
When they’re with someone specific?

Recognizing what precipitates your propensity to overthink in your relationship can help you make changes. Additional tips for breaking the cycle of overthinking can be found here.

Takeaways To Help You Stop Overthinking In Your Relationship

Overthinking in your relationship doesn’t mean you’re weak or broken. In fact, it often means you care deeply and are trying to protect something important to you.

But your efforts to protect your relationship are missing the mark, and if you’re not careful, they can have the opposite effect.

Once you recognize what you’re doing, why you’re doing it, and the damage it’s causing, you can work to stop overthinking in your relationship.

In most relationships, you don’t need to think more to improve things - you need to feel more, express more, and fear less.

FAQs

Is overthinking a sign that I’m in the wrong relationship?

No, not necessarily. Overthinking has more to do with your own personal issues than the relationship itself.

It’s my partner who’s the overthinker. How can I help without making it worse?

Be patient and not dismissive or defensive. You can’t fix their thinking, but you can make them feel safe. Consider saying something like, “I can tell your mind is racing right now. I love you, and I’m here if you want to talk it through.”