Marriage & Money Stress - How to Stop Money Fights
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Mar 11, 2010
Part 1 of 2
Randy's really worried about his family's finances. They've got one income and are overspending by a large amount every month. He knows that they're approaching their credit limits and it can't go on much longer.
He wants to sell the house. Their house is too big and too expensive. When they bought it several years ago the mortgage and other expenses seemed manageable, even though even then it was a bit of a stretch. Not anymore. But they can't sell it, at least not for enough to make moving make sense.
So Randy's been looking for other ways to balance the budget. He asked his wife, Erin, what she thought about cutting back the Dish Network bill. She replied, "We can't change that." He thought that he could handle the pool upkeep, so he suggested cutting the pool service. Again she replied, "We can't change that."
He told me in our last counseling for men meeting that he doesn't know what to do. Erin refuses to consider even the possibility of cutting their spending. And he's even more frustrated because on top of her refusal she still says she can't understand why he struggles with anger.
It's common for those of us in relationships to hope that during difficult times, like the money stress Randy and Erin are experiencing in their marriage, that the two of us will come together as a team and face the challenge as partners. Sadly, that's only a dream for many of us.
The reality often is that when stress comes most of us go to our dysfunctional selves rather than our best selves. We fear change, the unknown, become paralyzed, can't see possibilities, and quite frequently become polarized as a couple.
Money is one of the easiest topics for couples to become polarized about (have opposing view points). The situation Randy and Erin are in is really common. So how do they stop their money fights?
* This is the first article of two examining a real couple struggling with money stress in their marriage. In the next article we'll look at what they can do to stop their money fights. Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure to get the next article (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).