Mr. Marriage Counselor: "He Can't Get Over My Past"
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Jan 14, 2010
Q: I made a big mistake and had sex before I was married. I have now met the man I want to marry. . . .but he can't get over my past. We have been together for a year and a half and are still struggling with it. Is there anything we can do?
--Lauren G.
A: A lot of times things aren't what they seem and this may be such a case. It's hard for me to say precisely, but I suspect that there's more to this and that it may not really be about your having had sex before him or marriage.
It's not that uncommon for men to have a tough time getting over things from the past. A guy wrote me a couple of weeks ago and said "I love my girlfriend. I want to find a way to stop thinking about her past boyfriends." I hear something pretty similar to this pretty regularly from guys.
Here are some of the things that could be driving his inability to let this go -- he struggles with trust, his thoughts get obsessive at times, or it could be a way for him to have power and control in the relationship. Sometimes these things are subconscious and he may not even be intending to do them. There also may be dynamics of how your relationship functions that brings this out as well.
Yes, there is something you can do and should do. If the reason this is a problem for the both of you isn't fixed before you get married it will most likely only get worse and expand to other things in marriage. You should have him speak with a professional counselor who works with men. An expert in men and their relationships will help you drill down to what's really going on and give you the tools to fix it.
He's probably a great guy. So don't lose what could be a great future for both of you because you didn't fix this.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
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