Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Aug 29, 2010
Part 1 of 3
Jay is just an average guy -- with a porn addiction. The idea that he had a porn addiction never occurred to Jay. Porn was just a regular part of his life, not a problem.
Usually after work he'd come home, grab a beer, and surf the Internet to relax for awhile before Charlene would get home with the kids. Often he'd end up on porn sites. Jay had some favorites that he liked, but buddies would also send him pics and clips from porn sites.
Jay and Charlene had different sleep routines. She went to bed early, he stayed up late. Jay liked to watch Sports Center on ESPN after Charlene went to bed, but would also channel surf and could easily find something 'entertaining'on Cinemax or Showtime.
Once in a while, the guys at work would go out for a drink after work on Fridays and typically they'd go to a strip club.
Pretty normal guy behavior he thought. Some of it Charlene knew about, some of it she didn't.
What Jay didn't recognize was how much he came to rely on porn to relieve stress, escape, and just to be able to relax. He hadn't noticed how regular it had become.
- When you have a need for or dependence on porn, that's one of the signs of porn addiction.
He never saw how porn stimulated his brain and created more and more desire to look at women. He didn't see how the late night cable shows and occasional strip club visit fed his desire to look at porn.
- When you need to have more and more stimulation, that's one of the signs of porn addiction.
Jay also couldn't see the affects on his sex life with Charlene -- they would often go long periods without sex, while at other times he wanted sex even more than usual for him, and he pushed Charlene to have sex in ways he'd seen on porn sites.
- When your sex life is affected by viewing porn, that's one of the signs of porn addiction.
Porn addiction often looks from the outside like what many people would describe as pretty normal guy behavior -- most guys just like to look at girls. But when you can see what's going on from the inside, the addiction becomes easier to see.
If you think you may have a porn addiction, or know someone who may, don't struggle alone. Get some help from a therapist experienced in porn addiction.
* This is the first article of three examining porn addiction. In the next article Jay will share what it's like for a guy who looks at porn; in the last article Jay shares how his wife found out about his porn addiction and what happened afterwords. Sign-up for our Blog on the right side of this page and be sure not to miss any parts of this story (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Aug 21, 2010
Here's an example of how a gambling addiction starts. This is the real story of one man who came to Guy Stuff Counseling for help with his gambling addiction.
Anthony had never gambled before. Sure, he'd played cards with friends at parties in high school, but never anything serious. Other than occasionally watching the poker tournaments on TV, gambling never had any appeal.
During his first year at college Anthony got invited into other guys' dorm rooms at night to play cards. He found that it was a great way to escape the studying he didn't want to do. As his school demands increased, so did the attraction and enjoyment of playing cards. Soon Anthony was up all night gambling and starting to skip classes. As his desire to gamble grew, he sought out other places to play and discovered online gambling.
When Anthony got kicked out of school, he knew it was partly due to his gambling, but he never thought he had a gambling addiction. He just moved back home, got a job, and started going to the local casinos to gamble. In addition to the 4 Indian casinos within easy driving distance, he found a card room only a mile from his house.
The card rooms made him feel seedy. He knew many of the other guys in there had a gambling problem. After all, they were always in there; every time he went in he saw the same faces. At least he could control it and didn't spend every day there, he thought.
He developed a strategy to keep his gambling addiction a secret from his parents. After the money he'd wasted at school, his dad watched his bank account carefully. He learned if he only withdrew a couple hundred dollars, and did from the local ATM and not at the casinos, his gambling wasn't noticeable by parents.
Anthony tried going back to school again at the local junior college, but found that missing classes and assignments didn't work there either. As he grew more and more unhappy with himself, and worried about what he would do with his life, he spent more and more time gambling. The money he was losing grew also. It didn't even seem inappropriate to him to be playing for a pot of $2,900 when he only made $10 an hour working part time at Home Depot.
One night, after getting kicked out by his girlfriend, he lost $400 in a half hour. Afterwards, as he walked out to his car and saw it packed full of everything he owned, and thought about having no money, no place to live, and no hope, he realized he had a gambling problem.
Anthony got his parents support and came to Guy Stuff for counseling. We've been working on his gambling addiction by helping him discover the reasons why he gambled. One of the things he's learned is that he used gambling to occupy his time and avoid things. As a result of our work, Anthony went back to school earlier this month and he's learning to use new ways to deal with the stressors in his life.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Aug 15, 2010
Part 3 of 3
"You might be a workaholic if..." could easily be a Jeff Foxworthy comedy line. Just like his famous line, "You might be a redneck if..."
In my counseling men a regular occurrence is hearing guys talk about how much they work and how hard it is to stop thinking about work. Just this week a guy who owns 10 different businesses said his mind races in bed at night. Another guy came to his counseling meeting dead tired after working a double shift all night.
Are either of these guys' workaholics or are they just hard workers? The difference between being a workaholic and not isn't so much about how many hours you work as it is the attitude you have about work.
Are you a workaholic? Find out by taking the short Work Addiction Risk Test by psychologist Bryan E. Robinson published in the Wall Street Journal. Click here to find out are you a workaholic.
What did you learn from the test? I was reminded of a few areas in my life that I can improve. Don't get too wrapped up in the term workaholic. Just see what you can learn about how you can live your life in a more healthy way for you and your loved ones. Below are some other articles on this blog that can help:
* This is the third article of three on the topic of understanding men, their stress management, and being a workaholic. You can read the first two articles by clicking the links above. Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and start getting notified of valuable articles like these (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Apr 24, 2010
The viewing of Internet porn by men, and increasingly women too, has become huge. It's almost always done in secret and, whether we recognize it or not, has a big affect on our us and our relationships.
Most people struggle with questions about whether Internet porn is "normal" and if it's "cheating." Each person has to decide for themselves. But here are Dr. Phil's thoughts from his article Is Internet Porn Cheating? to help you in that process:
Internet pornography is a growing trend that has many people worried about their relationships. Is it cheating? And is it a "normal guy thing"? Here's what Dr. Phil believes:
- It is not OK behavior. It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into your relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it is cheating.
- Consider how it makes your partner feel. If it makes your partner feel ugly, hurt, deceived, lied to or inadequate, then it needs to stop. If it is eroding your relationship, it's gone too far.
- Pornography isn't real, it's a fantasy. Its makeup, beauty lenses, hair extensions, camera angles, lighting and silicone! It's also somebody's daughter who has taken a really, really wrong turn. She's demeaning herself, debasing herself, humiliating herself and she's being exploited by people who are funded by you. It is a sick, demented, twisted world. It's not healthy, it's not natural and it's not normal.
- Viewing Internet pornography or engaging in cybersex is a short step to taking cheating to the next level.
- You need to tell your partner that viewing pornography is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable in your relationship. Draw a line: Your partner needs to choose between the pornography or the relationship.
Ask yourself or your partner:
- Would you do it with your partner standing right there?
- Are you turning outside of your relationship to meet a need that should be met within the relationship? You can't change what you don't acknowledge, so find out if you or your partner have a problem.
- Do you justify the behavior by saying, "It's harmless," "Everyone does it," or "It's just the Internet"?
- Does it intrude on your relationship?
- Which is more important: pornography or your relationship?
So what do you think? Be careful not to go to the easiest conclusion and accept our society's belief that says there's nothing wrong with pornography.
Porn is a difficult topic to talk about with others and especially with your partner. Get the guidance and understanding of an expert counselor for men experienced in dealing with porn to assist you developing your own beliefs, changing your behavior if you want, and learning how to talk to your partner about it.
To understand more about porn, check out this article: Why Men Look at Porn - 8 Things Women Need to Know About Internet Porn.
-resized-600.jpg "Husband Rater Quiz")
How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams
Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Mar 20, 2010
Q: I plan to quit my sports gambling addiction, which meets with various levels of disapproval from friends and family. Some are more able to express that they are glad I'm quitting than others. I consider that their weakness and judgmentalness, if that is a word.
My motivation for counseling is to learn something that would help me understand myself better and to change. I am figuring out who I am as a man at the ripe old age of 43. I'm trying to answer that, to analyze the sequence of thoughts and feelings that make up this gambling cycle and see where I can change some of them in addition to changing the behavior itself.
I have never tried to quit my compulsive sports gambling before. I've been at it for most of the last 22 years, going hard core most of that time, especially in football season. My only winning month has been September, and my only winning year was 1999.
Where do I start?
--Justin T.
A: Sounds like you're off to a good start already. Here are a few positives I hear:
- It's good that you recognize that your decision to quit is going to meet with varying levels of disapproval. That's some good insight on your part to recognize that other people's reactions have more to do with them than you. This is a really important part of your recovery because recognizing the influence of others is a big factor in dealing with a sports gambling addiction.
- It's also good that you see that there's a cycle to your problem gambling. You're exactly right that you need to understand the thoughts and feelings that feed this cycle.
Here are three things to do going forward from here:
- Get Some Support. Don't try to do this alone and don't try to do it with just willpower. If you do, the odds are really, really high that you'll fail - again. Get involved with Gamblers Anonymous and get a professional counselor.
- Make Yourself Accountable. Put some systems in place, such as attending a GA group or meeting with an addictions counselor to help you stay committed on and on track with your goal.
- Find Some Expertise. Get connected with someone who's been through this before and knows what it takes to succeed. A professional counselor, who work's with men struggling with addictions, particularly a compulsive problem gambling addiction, is the best source of expertise.
You're off to a good start -- keep it going.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Do you have a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams
Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Dec 24, 2009
Q: Someone smelled alcohol on me at work and I was suspended. My anger and frustrations are affecting my marriage and work. What do I do?
--George V.
A: First, you're not alone. I've helped quite a few other men who've struggled with alcohol and it's affect on their work. One guy is a doctor and he was suspended by his licensing board last year, but after getting treatment was able to go back to work. Another guy had to go to counseling for a while before his company would let him come back to work. Be hopeful -- most guys are able to keep their jobs if they will get help.
Second, the anger and frustrations you have in your marriage and work are a sign that some other things are going on for you besides the alcohol. Most often the use of alcohol is way we medicate ourselves to help deal with some other issues. Anger management classes would probably really help you.
Lastly, your first step needs to be your being proactive in dealing with your work suspension. Men who respond to this with the attitude that it's a wake-up call and an opportunity have the best outcomes. This means following any instructions or recommendations your employer makes; getting a professional counselor to assess you and make treatment recommendations; developing an action plan and implementing it.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Tue, Dec 22, 2009
Okay, so you haven't pulled a Tiger Woods and spent too much time with other women. How about too much time with your PlayStation or Wii?
You might want to learn something from British tennis star Andy Murray, the No. 4 ranked player in the world. See if you can see yourself, or your partner, in any of this report on Murray.
ComputerAndVideoGames.com reports that Murray was dumped over his video game obsession:
Tennis star Andy Murray was dumped by his girlfriend for spending seven hours a day playing Modern Warfare 2, it's been claimed.
According to The Sun, Murray's ex Kim Sears, 21, pulled the plug on their relationship because his PlayStation 3 sessions "drove her mad".
"He would spend all his time glued to [PS3]. In the end she just got fed up with it. She wanted more out of the relationship," a 'source' told the paper.
The 22-year-old's PlayStation "obsession" has been a problem in the past, it seems, with his former coach, Brad Gilbert stating: "He plays video games seven hours a day."
Here's a description from a wife frustrated with video games in her marriage:
He gets home at 4:45 and plays until 2a.m. easy and if he gets bored he just pick up another game. He plays wow, day of defeat, moon-gate, battle field, and guitar hero. He has weekends off and they are dedicated to gaming no matter what. I have attempted to discuss it, but he gets angry and I feel like a nag. I hate feeling that way. I hate talking to him just to find out that for the last 10 minutes he has been raiding and has totally missed everything I said.
Guys, if playing video games is part of your life, take warning and make sure it doesn't create marriage problems. If you're having difficulty discussing the issue with your partner, get some counseling help.
Is this a real problem for marriages?
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Tue, Dec 08, 2009
Hey guys. Here's a friendly reminder from the relationship clean-up department; also known as counseling for men. Think twice about the behaviors you choose, especially this time of year. We hear from men everyday desperate for help in putting their marriages and lives back together after they've messed up, so here's a list of 3 of the most common risky behaviors where guys slip up.
WARNING: Every January we see a spike in the requests we get for help with these 3 struggles, so let this be a warning from your potential "Ghost of Christmas Future" and take heed.
Anger. Anger management expert W. Doyle Gentry, Ph.D., whose work was featured in the movie Anger Management, reports that most domestic violence incidents occur between Thanksgiving and January 15.
Not surprisingly, a regular occurrence this time of year at "Guy Stuff" Counseling is for us to hear from a number of men who need counseling because of a domestic violence arrest. And many times domestic violence occurs when anger gets combined with alcohol.
Also be aware that increased contact with family can be stressful, and when mixed the stress that already comes with the holidays, can create a volatile mixture for many of us.
Affairs. Tiger Woods' Thanksgiving holiday this year ought to be warning enough for all of us.
If you're not having an affair, good; but nevertheless be careful with these circumstances -- holiday parties (drinking + lowered inhibitions + everyone's feeling good = look out!); feeling lonely (the holidays can be a lonely time for many of us, even though we may be married and surrounded by family); social networking (it's the easiest way to hook up now days).
If you're in the middle of an affair, be careful not to use it to escape the holidays. By its very nature, an affair is a form of escape. But I've worked with guys who've gotten themselves through uncomfortable family time by knowing "she" is waiting afterwards. Don't rob your family of experiencing all of you this year.
Alcohol. What I call the socially accepted medicine of choice in America. Be very careful, this one can increase the risk of the other two occurring (anger and affair). Alcohol is hard to say no to this time of year, but it also increases our likelihood to make other mistakes. Telling ourselves that we've got control of our drinking is one of the most common signs of a problem.
If you want to know if alcohol abuse might be a problem for you, try asking someone who knows you and isn't afraid to tell you the truth (Be open to the idea that you might have a hard time finding someone who isn't afraid to tell you the truth).
What do you think of these risks? Would you add another? Leave a comment.