Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Aug 22, 2010
Q: I need to know what married women affairs look like. I have been married to the same man for 26 marginally-happy, rocky years. I am 56 (but look 38-40), and he is 64. Neither of us has ever been a cheating spouse. However, I think of other men all the time. I have a severe crush on another man (who probably does not know). My question is: Do most married women have crushes on other men? -- Ellen T.
A: Yes, this is what married women affairs can look like. No, I don't believe most married women have crushes on other men. But a lot of women aren't happy in their marriages, just like you. And as a result, they look for ways to get needs that should be met by their husband inside the relationship, met outside the relationship and in ways that hurt the marriage.
Getting needs met outside the marriage can take many forms:
- Interest in other men
- Over focusing on the kids
- Friends and extended family
- Over involvement in activities like exercise
- Shopping and spending
- Jobs and hobbies
Just as many married men seek to get their needs met outside the relationship as married women. Most of these activities are good things, so it can be hard to see the problem. Where the problem arises is when these activities become excessive and/or are motivated by the wrong reasons (to meet needs that should be met within the marriage).
We all have needs. Our relationship with our spouse is meant to help meet many of these needs. Here are a couple of examples of needs we all have:
- Emotional needs -- to be loved, respected, desired
- Identity needs -- be good at things, accomplish things, succeed
You need to re-examine your belief that neither of you is a cheating spouse. When we form emotional desires for and connections with others, such as the other man you have the crush on, we've become a cheating spouse. Read more below about this form of cheating, which is called an emotional affair, because this is how married women affairs start.
Talk with a marriage counselor and get some help to change your marriage. You've settled for too many years with a marginally-happy marriage, and you don't have to. By accepting a marriage that doesn't meet your needs, you're setting yourself up for making bad choices such as having this crush on another man.
Read More:
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Fri, Aug 13, 2010
Q: Do I have a cheating spouse? I have continuously had a problem with my husband and his online or phone line flirtations or "entertainment" as he calls them. I find phone numbers, emails, messages about hooking up and he says that it's all just entertainment because he's bored. We have a beautiful 16 month old son whom we struggled for years to have and finally, the egg dropped. I don't know if it's underlying jealousy for the attention I give to our son or what. But the bored and entertainment lines are getting to be more than just lame. I recognize the dirt which I have created as well and made great strides to rid myself of those individuals along with that mentality in order to improve myself and my marriage. Granted as my grandmother used to say "if you look for dirt, you'll find dirt", my feeling is I wouldn't have to look, if he was more open with me about his wants and desires. I am willing to compromise to a point as long as it doesn't involve anything absolutely gross and degrading. Any help you can provide to me would be so greatly appreciated and welcomed.
--Carrie V
A: "Do I have a cheating spouse?" is a very important question to be asking and answering.
I've counseled other couples struggling to answer the same question about when a spouse is cheating. Questionable behaviors can include flirtatious online "entertainment" like your husband's, as well as other behavior such as gawking at, and flirting with, other women in-person; looking at internet porn; even swinging (sexual activities with other people).
Clearly you both feel different about what acceptable "entertainment" is in your marriage. Ultimately the question of what defines a cheating spouse is one each couple has to reach for themselves. But to properly answer the question you've got to understand what's being triggered for you that's causing you to ask this question in the first place.
I hear 2 things you're not getting enough of in your marriage due to your husband's behavior:
It is my belief that your husband's behavior does not show respect or love to you. It is selfish and focused solely on his needs, not yours or the needs of your relationship. You deserve to be treated better. And, yes, I believe you have a cheating spouse.
Get some help from a marriage counselor to learn how to get your husband to treat you differently. Another resource you can use for help is this blog. Check out the posts under the Marriage & Marriage Counselor Q&A tags. Here are a couple of posts to look at:
At the end of your email you state that you're willing to compromise sexually to meet his wants and desires. Be careful not to take on too much responsibility for his behavior, or believing that it's driven by something you're not doing or could be doing differently. Most often mens' looking for "entertainment" outside the relationship has more to do with what's going on for them internally (self identity, stress relief, etc.) than it does with what's missing in the relationship.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Fri, Jul 30, 2010
Q: My husband and I have been to a marriage counselor to improve our marriage. We have an ongoing issue that we cannot resolve. My question is....Why Can't My Husband Communicate With Me?He lies to me and hides things from me. Mainly pertaining to communication with his ex's that he has children with. He has agreed to tell me when they contact him or share with me anything pertaining to their child support issues. However he still does not tell me these things unless I stumble across them myself. Which I have, once again.
When I ask him about it, he becomes very angry and says he does not share with me because I get so upset over it. I tell him I am upset over the fact that he did not tell me about it and Not the issue itself, but he refused to believe me. He turns it all around that I am always saying he is the one that needs to change and not me, because I am so perfect. And around and around we go. He has never apologized for keeping secrets from me and feels justified in doing so. This goes back to our problem of "Who goes first?" Why should he when it's all my fault? Why should I when it's all his fault? It's a vicious circle that we can't get out of. I don't know how to change it. All I want is for him to share with me these communications, but he refuses and continues to lie to me and hide things. I don't know what to do about it.
--Erin C.
A: I’m sure a lot of couples can relate to your struggle with marriage communication, especially - "Who goes first? Why should he when it's all my fault? Why should I when it's all his fault? It's a vicious circle that we can't get out of… and around and around we go.” I couldn't have described this typical marriage communication dance any better.
One of the answers to your question of why can’t my husband communicate with me is because he feels the need to protect himself from you. It can be seen in his defensiveness. This is a common barrier in marriage communication.
If you can understand some of the reasons why he feels the need to defend himself, you'll find some ways to get your husband to communicate with you more. Try thinking about what could be going on for him, as well as what you could be doing, that are triggering his defensiveness.
Here are a couple of ideas to help get you started:
- SAFETY He doesn't feel safe to share things. This may come partly from your experience together, but it can also come from other past experiences as well. The origins aren’t as important as just being aware that he feels unsafe and that safety and trust needs to be built between you two.
- HISTORY Obviously you have a history of fighting over this topic. History has a way of becoming like a snow ball rolling down a hill. It gets rolling faster and faster, gets bigger and bigger, and becomes harder and harder to stop. Look for ways to start writing a new history of how you two deal with this issue without fighting.
- IDENTITY He’s protecting his self-identity. Sharing details about his relationships with ex’s requires revealing parts of himself that he’s probably uncomfortable with others, especially you, knowing. Use this knowledge to be more understanding of why he's uncomfortable communicating with you.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.