Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Tue, Jan 31, 2012
Q: Do I have a cheating spouse? I found out my husband said he wanted to have sex with a webcam girl in a hotel room. Then he tells me that is just the way people talk on the webcam. Is he telling me the truth? Since they didn’t have sex he says he isn’t a cheating spouse. -- Crystal B.
A: Yes, you have a cheating spouse. Cheating can happen in many ways and doesn’t require sex. Cheating on spouse occurs when a partner goes outside the relationship to meet needs that are supposed to be met by the other partner. Another part of cheating on spouse is lying to and deceiving the other partner.
Your husband is telling you the truth that this is the way people talk on sex webcams, but they don’t say that on regular webcams. You’ve got a cheating husband who may doing more than just looking at naked women online, so be very careful not to be deceived by his explanations.
Your husband is showing a willingness to do more than look at porn. If you don’t believe that what he’s done so far makes him a cheating spouse, his next move could make him a cheating husband by anyone’s standards.
-- Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Jan 28, 2012
Are there abusive women? Yes. Can women be the cause of abusive relationships? Yes.
There are a number of posts on this Counseling Men blog about abusive men. And justifiably so, because men can often be the source of abuse in abusive relationships, but so can women.
At Guy Stuff Counseling we work with women who’s male partners are abusive. But some of the men who come to us are also in abusive relationships with abusive women. One of the ironies of abusive relationships is that many women are aware of their male partner’s abuse, however, a lot of men are not aware that their wife or girlfriend is abusive.
Why are men so often blind to abusive women? Because women are more often subtlety and passively abusive, as opposed to men who are more direct and outwardly abusive. Verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and psychological abuse are the most common types of abuse inflicted by abusive women. Men on the other hand can be physically and sexually abusive in addition to these others.
Because of the different styles of abuse used by women compared to men, in abusive relationships it’s very common for men to believe that they’re the problem and the abuser, not their partner.
Phil came to Guy Stuff Counseling for anger management classes after months and months of demanding by his wife that he do something to change. There was no doubt that Phil had an anger problem – he threw things, punched holes in the wall, he even punched a metal door, and Phil finally recognized he needed anger help when he snapped and threw his son across his bed.
The irony in Phil’s situation is that not only does he have an anger problem, but he also has an abusive wife. Which causes which -- his anger or her verbal abuse? Which is the source of the problem -- his explosive outbursts or her blaming him for everything? These difficult and unanswered questions have kept Phil for a longtime stuck and not knowing what to do.
Here’s how Phil describes his relationship:
- “We have these misunderstandings and I get this whole schpeel of crap from her of how it’s my fault.”
- “I have to deal with her constant dumping on me.”
- “She sees things very one sided, me at fault, and is incapable of seeing that I could have a point.”
- "She's very good at fixing everyone else, but not herself.”
- "I’m supposed to put up with her crap while I work on my crap. Why am I supposed to be sympathetic and empathetic to her issues when she isn't to mine?"
- "She told me ‘I’ve been miserable since I met you’.”
Can you see yourself or your partner in any of the above? Could it be possible that you’re in a relationship with an abusive woman? If you think it might be possible, then get some professional counseling help to find out if you’re right and what to do about it. We help abusive relationships change and become healthy, happy relationships every day -- even Phil's. You deserve to have one too.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Jan 07, 2012
Q: I need some marriage advice. My husband has been with me for 8 years. He had/has a masturbation and porn problem and he would watch or follow other women. He admitted this 2 years ago and since then he stopped and he said he felt relieved because he felt bad about it but it’s a battle everyday all day.
What are men attracted to? Do other women have a husband not attracted to wife? He said that I don't get him aroused. Only a certain type that does it for him, he is black, but white skinned women with long black hair does it for him, and he was trying to feel this way for me for years and can't.
He said that he loves me and does not want to lose me but he is afraid he can’t change what works for him and he spent years trying to get the arousal from me. He holds me, kisses, etc, but for sex he has to have images to stay aroused to do me. He couldn't hold out he said, he was sexually frustrated and had an affair.
Can you give me marriage advice? Can this be a stem from the porn he's been watching since 8 to 29? Can it work for him to get aroused by me? He is afraid that he can never want me in that way, but is too selfish to let me go because he knows he loves me, and is guilty about using images to be with me. Should I accept a husband not attracted to wife? -- Tameka J.
A: Sexual attraction is a combination of genetics and environmental factors. The answer to the question “What are men attracted to?” has a lot to do with what they have taught their brains to be attracted to.
Yes, what he finds arousing has been heavily influenced by his porn use. Most men do not understand, and greatly underestimate, the effects looking at porn has on their brain. Because of your husband’s porn use, his brain has learned to need repetitive stimulation from multiple sexual images to become aroused. And it has been learning this for more than 20 years!
The good news is that this can change. Yes, he can learn to become aroused by you. What his brain has learned to be aroused by can be unlearned and replaced with a desire for you. You don’t have to accept a husband not attracted to wife.
Here’s some specific marriage advice: Go to marriage counseling together and work on your relationship. The right professional counselor can help him learn to train his brain to become attracted to you again.
-- Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Dec 31, 2011
What’s it like to live with emotionally abusive men? Let’s ask Emily.
In many ways Emily and Jason’s relationship looks picture perfect. In fact, she says that it’s better than any relationship she’s ever had.
But there’s a problem. Even though from the outside Jason looks like the perfect guy, Emily wonders if he’s really just another version of the emotionally abusive men she’s been with before.
Jason has this habit of denying Emily’s experience of events. Recently they had a fight over going out with friends. Since then every time they talk about that night Jason insists that Emily is not remembering correctly what happened, specifically what he said and did, nor does she remember correctly what she said and did.
Jason can be very persuasive and convincing, and he has the ability to describe events in such a way that make it look like he’s done everything possible to resolve a problem and is just the victim of another person’s wrong behavior – i.e. Emily. As a result, Emily frequently questions herself about her recall of the facts and if in fact Jason is really correct and she is wrong (Tip – when you find yourself routinely thinking this way this can be a sign of emotionally abusive men).
What makes this such a problem is that this happens all the time, over big things and little things.
- Jason is right; Emily is wrong.
- Jason acted correctly; Emily acted wrongly.
- Jason doesn’t have anything to change; Emily needs to change.
See the pattern? Abusive relationships have patterns like this. Additionally, it’s always Emily who considers that maybe she doesn’t remember things correctly and was in the wrong – never Jason.
One way to spot abusive men is that they don’t take responsibility for their actions. But they don’t have to because in their mind they’re never wrong. Abusive men also don’t use self-reflection to evaluate their behavior like Emily does above. They blame.
Unfortunately, relationships with emotionally abusive men are difficult to see. Abusive men are skilled at controlling the relationship in very subtle ways. In couples counseling Jason has refused to continue to talk to Emily because she wouldn’t accept HIS version of the truth, and has even ended the meeting to further make his point.
Through couples counseling Emily has learned about abusive relationships and now recognizes she’s in another one again. Now we’re working together to help her learn how to change it. If you’ve got emotionally abusive man in your life, you should too.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Dec 17, 2011
Here’s some really important divorce advice for men from the really stupid things people do files:
Darrell and Amy got into it again. It doesn’t matter over what; what matters is how angry at each other they got. For months each of them has been threatening getting a divorce. During the fight, Darrell told Amy that if she wanted a divorce, he’d give her a divorce. In a rage, the couple jumped in their cars and raced each other to the courthouse. Darrell ran up the steps and waited for Amy. Fortunately for him, she couldn’t find a parking space, and while searching to find a place to park Amy came to her senses and drove off.
So what can we learn from Darrell? Here’s some very valuable divorce advice for men:
1. Don't Make Emotional Decisions
Darrell decided to get a divorce while in a state of rage. The last thing you want to make an emotional decision about is getting a divorce. This is such a life altering decision that it should only be made in a non-emotional state and only after much consideration of the consequences, as well as following #2 and #3 below.
2. Have a Plan
Darrell had no plan. He didn’t know what he was going to do after filing the petition for divorce (only step one of many, many forms and steps). Here’s the BIGGEST divorce advice for men SECRET to always keep in mind: The most important thing in a divorce is how you come out of it. In order to come out in the best position possible you need to be strategic and smart about how you manage each step of the process.
3. Get Professional Advice (but not necessarily from a lawyer)
Darrell hadn’t talked to anyone but his brother. Everyone has 2 cents of advice to share about how to go through a divorce. Nearly all of it is going to be unwise and very biased – neither of which is in your best interests. The best thing you can do before starting a divorce is talk to a professional who helps people through divorce. But this doesn’t mean only a lawyer. Lawyers will only help with the legal and financial aspects. However, the emotional, psychological, and behavioral affects and responses are crucial to address too in order to have success. Divorce counseling with a therapist experienced in divorce can be invaluable.
Divorce is extremely hard, even if you’ve been through it before. Don’t be a Darrell and be stupid. Get some divorce counseling to help manage your emotions, get help developing a plan, and to learn a professionals’ advice on how to come out of your divorce in the best shape possible. We men can be a bit stubborn and think we know what’s best at times when we really don’t, so listen to this divorce advice for men -- you’ll thank me for it later. Darrell did (he wised up and came in for divorce counseling).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Dec 10, 2011
What do midlife crisis men look like? Angie’s husband is a midlife crisis man. She asked me if these are midlife crisis symptoms:
--Drinking all the time
--Gambling at the casino every free moment you can get
--Having an affair
--Abandoning your kids, job, and -- oh yea, your wife too
Yes, Angie, these can be midlife crisis symptoms. The behavior of midlife crisis men can definitely look like one or all of these.
This is exactly what her husband, Frank, has been doing for the past 11 months. And no matter how hard Angie tries to understand, she just doesn’t get what happened to her husband.
She says he used to think about others and now is only focused on himself. How do you explain what happened to the man who once packed up the Thanksgiving dinner leftovers and took them to the homeless shelter, but now walks away from his crying kids without a care in the world, she wants to know.
“I just want daddy to live with us. When can daddy live with us?” cried 6-year-old Jaden as she sat in the car. When Frank approached she pleaded, “Daddy come home with us.” Frank ignored her cries for him and quickly kissed her forehead, said goodbye and walked away. Angie believes he was headed to the casino to meet up with the other woman.
Midlife crisis men can definitely have behavior that defies common sense. On the surface it looks crazy, but when you can understand what’s going on on the inside, the illogical behavior can be a little more understandable, even though it still is crazy.
There are a lot of women are like Angie -- struggling to understand their husbands and save their families. Counseling women like her is what we do at Guy Stuff – we’re not just about counseling men. If you’ve got a man with midlife crisis symptoms, read more about midlife crisis men here – midlife crisis.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Nov 19, 2011
Porn has been a regular part of Jason’s life for as long as he can remember. But he never considered himself addicted to porn. He just never saw it as a problem. How could it be a problem when every guy he knows looks at porn? Now that he’s married, it’s become a big, big problem. And he now sees that he’s addicted to porn.
Jason was in the Army for 8 years, much of it overseas, and has been out for a little more than 2 years. He says in the Army everyone looks at porn. A lot of wives and girlfriends would even email homemade porn of themselves to their soldiers.
Porn isn’t so normal though for Sheri, Jason’s wife of 16 months. She says it makes her really, really upset. It makes her feel insecure too. She even has nightmares about Jason being with other women because of the porn. Ironically, Sheri’s a former model.
Despite having a very attractive wife, Jason has continued to look at porn. Being addicted to porn has caused a huge trust problem between he and Sheri. He’s told her repeatedly that he would stop looking and hasn’t. As a result, she’s suspicious and distrusting of almost everything he tells her.
The stress and strain from the conflict in his marriage finally got to be too much for Jason and it brought him to Guy Stuff to find some solutions. He wanted to learn how he could stop being addicted to porn. He wanted to learn more about using a safety plan he’d read about on our website. And he wanted to rebuild trust with Sheri.
Jason’s made huge progress. With Guy Stuff’s help he hasn’t looked at porn in months. He has a safety plan in place that Sheri’s a partner in. With his taking these steps she’s starting to trust him a little more each day.
If you want porn out of your life, here’s a good place to start addressing porn addiction.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Wed, Nov 09, 2011
TV reality star Kim Kardashian announced last week that she has filed for divorce from her new husband, Kris Humphries, after only 72 days of marriage. Reportedly she cited irreconcilable differences as the reason for divorce. One of the differences was suspected to be where the couple would live.
-- How irreconcilable can differences really be after only 72 days?
-- Is 72 days really a reasonable period of time to see if differences can be resolved or compromises reached?
-- Can you honestly say that you’ve really tried to reconcile differences and you know for sure that they are truly irreconcilable differences in two months of marriage?
Webster’s dictionary defines the word irreconcilable as meaning “impossible to reconcile” or “a member of a group opposing compromise or collaboration.”
It’s pretty common in couples counseling to hear couples say that they have irreconcilable differences or that they're no longer compatible and must divorce.
In fact just this week during a couples counseling meeting a guy I was counseling refused to even try to hear what his fiancée’s experience of an event was because it contradicted his experience of it. He adamantly refused to acknowledge her experience (and therefore her) because it did not match his.
So often relationships break down because either partner, or both, refuses to practice loving behavior towards the person they say that they love (or at least once loved) -- not because of irreconcilable differences.
Couples with happy and successful relationships are the couples that have learned the invaluable skill of how to love each other even with irreconcilable differences.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Oct 22, 2011
Q: I’m a wife surviving infidelity -- again! I have been married for 3 years now to my second husband. There was infidelity with my first marriage and I have now found out that my current husband has been surfing internet porn and chatting online and has even chatted about secretly meeting people. He states he has not followed through with it but not much more communication with each other beyond that. When I ask about going to a marriage counselor he never answers me and always ignores the question. I am going to schedule an appt for myself but what else can I do to survive infidelity? -- Katie B.
A: Surviving infidelity can seem impossible, but it’s not. You don’t say what you did when it happened in your first marriage, but I’m glad to hear that you’re ready to take action this time around.
Don’t let his ignoring your requests to talk about it and go to counseling stop you from addressing the infidelity. And, yes this is infidelity. We all want to ignore or minimize things we’re embarrassed about or don’t want to be honest about, so his non-response is not surprising. However, his lack of respect for you is a much bigger concern.
I’m working with several women right now whose husband’s are doing the same thing – denying there’s any problem in their relationships and refusing to go to counseling to discuss their wife’s concerns. One wife is still surviving infidelity from 3 years ago. In my work with these women we’re developing ways for them to be heard and responded to by their husbands. This is where you need to focus your energy.
-- Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Mar 12, 2011
Denial is one of the biggest obstacles in addiction treatment. Denial prevents those with addictions from seeing the truth about their problem. The disconnect from reality that denial provides prevents addicts from seeing that they need help, and allows them to continue behavior that is hurtful to them and the ones they love.
A case in point is actor Charlie Sheen, former star of the television series Two and a Half Men. Sheen has a long history of alcohol and drug abuse, including numerous attempts at rehab. He has been saturating the media recently with his beliefs about addiction treatment.
In a Today show interview he said that he doesn't need addiction treatment because the Alcoholics Anonymous manual was "written for normal people, people that aren't special, people that don't have tiger blood, you know, Adonis DNA." In a radio interview he described AA as "the work of sissies."
It's extremely common in addiction treatment to hear addicts describe themselves as different from everyone else. Part of the way their mind rationalizes their behavior is with the belief that the typical rules don't apply to them. Hear any of that in Charlie's thoughts?
"I'm tired of pretending that I'm not special."
In my work with addictions I often have alcoholics argue with me over the definition of the term alcoholic and why it doesn't apply to them. They typically want to define alcoholic in such as way that their behaviors can't be labeled as addictive.
Here's Sheen again: "The only thing I'm addicted to is winning," he said. "This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math … another one of their mottoes is, 'Don't be special, be one of us.' Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you! I have a disease? Bull (expletive)! I cured it with my brain, with my mind."
Sheen insists that he knows what help he does and doesn't need. This is another component of denial in addictions -- the belief of addicts that they know best what they need.
For Sheen more is going on than just denial. His behavior also gives indication of some mental health issues that may have contributed to his substance abuse or could be a result of it. It is common for those with addictions to have mental health issues in conjunction with their substance abuse.
If you know of someone with similar thoughts and behaviors, get some help from a professional counselor on how to best help them.
Sources -- USA Today, UPI.com