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There’s been a great deal written and discussed about men who are abusive, but what about the behavior of women in relationships?
Women are usually portrayed as the victims of men with tempers, but the truth is that they can be equally as volatile and angry as their male counterparts. A fact that makes some men want to know why it is that their wives are so mean.
It’s no secret that women can be moody. There are several reasons for this. By the way, men are not immune from moodiness.
These mood swings can be attributed to anything from a bad day to hormones, and whether you’re a woman or a man, it’s usually the spouse that takes the brunt of the bad mood.
Women often handle their moodiness differently than men, however, and because of this many married men can end up feeling like their wives are just plain mean.
Clearly this isn’t a healthy state for a relationship.
Understanding why your wife behaves the way she does and why she’s sometimes mean is the first step to getting your relationship back to a happier place.
It may take some time, and will definitely take some patience, but working toward that understanding will ultimately bring the two of you closer again.
Every woman and every relationship is different, but there are some common sources when it comes to a negative attitude in women.
At this point most of us go through a period of reflection.
Some, however, experience a mid-life crisis. We generally think of men when it comes to midlife crisis, but women can go through the same thing.
It can be tough to recognize a midlife crisis in a woman because the behavior can be more subtle. But if your wife is unhappy with where she is in life and who she is right now, that can easily show up as anger toward you, making your wife seem mean and unlike the woman you married.
Depression is a serious condition that can impact a relationship and can cause changes in mood, eating and sleeping habits, and activity level. It can also be another reason your wife is acting mean.
If your wife is experiencing depression she’ll likely benefit from the help of a professional counselor.
This can be true even when the conflict is over and seemingly in the past.
Negative comments said during the heat of an argument can have a very strong impact on a woman and can leave a lasting emotional bruise.
These feelings can turn into resentment and anger and cause your wife to become negative and insulting in an attempt to hurt you in the way you hurt her. She may not even recognize that’s she’s doing this and why she’s so angry.
Unfortunately, that’s not the case.
The super busy day-to-day routine of family, work and finances are all things that can cause a couple to grow apart. The loss of this emotional connection can cause feelings of hurt and isolation that can manifest as resentment and anger.
And if the communication in your marriage isn’t strong then it can be even more difficult to discuss these things. In this circumstance, if she is feeling alone in your relationship, your wife may take this out on you through mean or cruel remarks.
If your wife is being mean to you, looking at your behavior might offer some insight.
Dr. Kurt works with men regularly who are trying to figure out why their wives are behaving the way they are and what to do about it. According to him,
When your wife is mean to you it's because she's hurt or in pain. Not usually physical pain, but emotional or mental pain. This could be due to something or some things you did or did not do that has upset her. However, that's not always the case. Sometimes the mental anguish that comes out in mean and abusive words and actions has nothing to do with the partner or relationship. We all know there are times when we can get over stressed dealing with our kids or work and take it out on those we love. For some people, sadly, their partner can be a regular target where they can unload. The next time your wife snaps at you remember that it's coming from some kind of internal pain, most likely psychological. While this doesn't change that it's wrong, hurtful, and needs to stop, having some understanding and perspective does help in dealing with it."
These are not the only reasons your wife may be acting mean.
Women also go through natural fluctuations in hormones that can cause changes to mood and behavior. Whether it’s PMS or perimenopause, both of which can cause behavior that seems crazy, it’s possible that she is dealing with feelings that she finds difficult to understand herself.
The natural stressors of parenting or dealing with aging parents can also create pressure and frustration.
Unfortunately, these frustrations can often be taken out on those closest to her, namely you.
This doesn’t excuse mean or abusive behavior but understanding why she is behaving the way she is can help you work with her to change her behavior.
The answer to that depends a lot on what the actual reason for her behavior is. But to start you can re-frame the way you view her.
Rather than seeing her as someone who is trying to hurt you, try looking at her with the understanding that something is bothering her. Her behavior stems from something, and you may need to put some effort into it to find out what exactly that is.
Try approaching things gently, discussing with your wife how her –
are hurtful and combative.
If you approach things from a caring standpoint and show that you love her and you want to understand what’s bothering her, it’s possible that she will soften and find a way to open up to you.
Bear in mind that this may not happen on the first attempt.
If the problems she is wrestling with are difficult to discuss and you have grown apart, it may take time and patience to break through. This may also require you to face issues in your relationship that have led the both of you to this point – especially if the things she’s angry about are actually things you’ve done.
The biggest mistake to avoid is trying to match meanness with meanness.
If you wife is being mean, being equally as mean and cruel will not help, it will only make things worse and drive you further apart.
A reader dealing with a wife whose behavior had become difficult wrote in to say,
My wife has a high conflict personality that is regularly emotionally abusive towards me. When she yells and puts me down and says mean things I get upset and say mean things back to her. How do I not react when she pushes my buttons with her abuse?" -Stanley
Managing this response in yourself can be difficult. The urge to “fight back” when someone is being mean or cruel is a strong one. Doing this, however, will only make things worse.
So,
are all choices that will send your relationship spiraling in the wrong direction.
This doesn’t mean that you should accept or ignore abusive behavior. There’s nothing okay or healthy about being willfully cruel to your spouse.
Be careful as well about who you confide in and allow to comfort you.
Emotional affairs often start when one partner is feeling ostracized by the other and seeks comfort from someone else. Lines can become very blurry when an unhappy partner creates a connection with someone outside the marriage.
But if your wife isn’t responding to your attempts to understand her and continues to verbally abuse you it may be time to seek the help of a counselor. Men come to Guy Stuff every day to learn how to fix problems just like this one.
Men don’t have the corner on hurtful and abusive behavior. If your wife seems unusually mean rest assured, you’re not alone.
Just as a man who behaves in an angry manner has deeper reasons for his behavior, so does a woman. In order get your relationship with your wife back to a healthy place, keep the following in mind:
The bottom line is that if your wife is regularly being mean or emotionally abusive toward you it needs to stop. A healthy relationship doesn’t include insulting, berating, or cruel behavior. Getting your wife to stop this behavior will take patience on your part and finding common ground for an honest discussion about why she’s acting this way.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published February 14, 2019. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Been with my wife 7years married 5 years she got pregnant in the first couple of months we were going out. She got picky and moody the whole pregnancy which would get me upset and snap alot since our first baby we've had 2 more & 2 stepdaughters & youngest is nearly 2 she still breastfeed s & she picks on me alot in never do jobs right I snap so bad that we have the public ring police on cause I act so crazy how I reframe my self and why my wife picking on me what reason does she talk to me like this
Looks like husband has done something wrong...it's his mistake always
I don't even know where to start with this. Me and my wife met and started dating 25 years ago when we were..kids. fast forward we have now been married 13 years and have two beautiful girls together. The girls are my absolute everything, my entire world. I couldn't bare to live without them. And they love me just as much. My wife, who once was a sweet, gentle, loving girl, seemingly changed about 14 years ago, shortly before we got married. When I came ho
me from the military I noticed a difference in her. She became cold, distant and unloving. It was a slow progression at first, but now has just gotten to the point where she is an utterly miserable person. She is angry all the time. We have been through all the ups and downs in the world over the years, but things always seem to get worse. I do everything in the relationship - cook, clean, take care of the kids, do all the laundry, all the home maintenance, all the maintenance of everything else, play with the kids, help them with all their homework, be there for them and show love and respect. I always try to help her with anything I can, always try to be loving and supportive.
But no matter what.. she just never stops being angry. I have long checked myself into therapy (been in for 2 years now) and I keep getting the same story of "it must be something I'm doing and she's just going through stuff" or some narrative like that. No matter how much never ending love and care and support I show, it's still my fault no matter what. My wife who I used to absolutely adore when we were young has become the absolute nightmare to my existence. She was diagnosed with depression well over 10 years ago, but refuses to seek counseling. She is convinced that taking a 100mg sertraline pill makes everything better and counseling "is a waste of time, a joke and does nothing"
I could write a damn novel of my situation. It's a long story. But, basically, what I live with now is someone who shows me 0 affection in any way (we stopped having physical intimacy some years ago because she just plain said she's not interested in that type of a relationship anymore and doesn't like physical contact with anyone), is constantly cold, unemotional, unsympathetic, mean, constantly condescending, has to make mean nasty comments about literally everything that I do and how it's not good enough, or half assed, or is just not up to her standard. she has isolated me from any friend I ever had (I literally have no friends, I am completely alone. I hang out with no one and have no outside relationships with anyone except a few coworkers (male) who I text with on occasion outside of work). She hates 99% of my family and constantly tries to get me to argue with my elderly mother (who's 78) who I have 0 interest in fighting with, constantly fighting with her own parents (who are good people and I really like), and has no friends of her own as she has gotten in horrible mean arguments with any friend she has made and have had falling outs with everyone. Living with her is literally walking on eggshells 24/7. I try to say as little as possible and try to hide as much as possible to try and not make her angry. My two little girls (3 and 8) are constantly the target of her anger as well and tells at them and cusses at them nearly every day, calling them spoiled little b**ches, yelling f*** you to them, constantly fighting with my 8 year old and literally calling her every horrible name in the book. So many nights I have spent up in my daughter's room telling them how sorry I am, and wiping away their tears and telling them how much I love them and I'll always be by their side.
I'm at a dead end and have no idea what to do.
My little angels love their mom (not saying there aren't some ok times, because there are) but all 3 of us are constantly under her iron fist of emotional damage, foul language, anger, and constant belittlement. As much as I want to leave, I can't because of my girls. The thought of tearing up their family crushes me. Im so hurt and I just don't know how to fix things or where the f*** I went wrong. Ugh.
DeadEnd, Please find a counselor to talk to who can give you some guidance and tools to use to cope better. Based on what you've said your wife is abusing you and your kids. Your girls are being damaged by being around her full-time just as much, and possible more, as they would by a divorce. -Dr. Kurt
Very one sided and biased against men. “She’s yelling at you cause she’s hurt and she needs your help!” So if the man is being abused he has the responsibility to take care of his abuser? The double standards are absolutely insane. Do better
Sam, It's interesting that some women have the same complaint about bias, but they say they're 'biased' against women. You must have missed it, but the article states that if it's become abusive to get help, not accept it. "But if your wife...continues to verbally abuse you it may be time to seek the help of a counselor." -Dr. Kurt
Hello, Im married for 42 years and I just wish my wife would go live with her sister. It really would be great. I bet I'm not alone in thinking Id rather not go through all the hoops and analysis, and just say its been a good run,thank you for all your contributions to the better times, but please lets move on and maybe youll find contentment.