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There’s been a great deal written and discussed about men who are abusive, but what about the behavior of women in relationships?
Women are usually portrayed as the victims of men with tempers, but the truth is that they can be equally as volatile and angry as their male counterparts. A fact that makes some men want to know why it is that their wives are so mean.
It’s no secret that women can be moody. There are several reasons for this. By the way, men are not immune from moodiness.
These mood swings can be attributed to anything from a bad day to hormones, and whether you’re a woman or a man, it’s usually the spouse that takes the brunt of the bad mood.
Women often handle their moodiness differently than men, however, and because of this many married men can end up feeling like their wives are just plain mean.
Clearly this isn’t a healthy state for a relationship.
Understanding why your wife behaves the way she does and why she’s sometimes mean is the first step to getting your relationship back to a happier place.
It may take some time, and will definitely take some patience, but working toward that understanding will ultimately bring the two of you closer again.
Every woman and every relationship is different, but there are some common sources when it comes to a negative attitude in women.
At this point most of us go through a period of reflection.
Some, however, experience a mid-life crisis. We generally think of men when it comes to midlife crisis, but women can go through the same thing.
It can be tough to recognize a midlife crisis in a woman because the behavior can be more subtle. But if your wife is unhappy with where she is in life and who she is right now, that can easily show up as anger toward you, making your wife seem mean and unlike the woman you married.
Depression is a serious condition that can impact a relationship and can cause changes in mood, eating and sleeping habits, and activity level. It can also be another reason your wife is acting mean.
If your wife is experiencing depression she’ll likely benefit from the help of a professional counselor.
This can be true even when the conflict is over and seemingly in the past.
Negative comments said during the heat of an argument can have a very strong impact on a woman and can leave a lasting emotional bruise.
These feelings can turn into resentment and anger and cause your wife to become negative and insulting in an attempt to hurt you in the way you hurt her. She may not even recognize that’s she’s doing this and why she’s so angry.
Unfortunately, that’s not the case.
The super busy day-to-day routine of family, work and finances are all things that can cause a couple to grow apart. The loss of this emotional connection can cause feelings of hurt and isolation that can manifest as resentment and anger.
And if the communication in your marriage isn’t strong then it can be even more difficult to discuss these things. In this circumstance, if she is feeling alone in your relationship, your wife may take this out on you through mean or cruel remarks.
If your wife is being mean to you, looking at your behavior might offer some insight.
Dr. Kurt works with men regularly who are trying to figure out why their wives are behaving the way they are and what to do about it. According to him,
When your wife is mean to you it's because she's hurt or in pain. Not usually physical pain, but emotional or mental pain. This could be due to something or some things you did or did not do that has upset her. However, that's not always the case. Sometimes the mental anguish that comes out in mean and abusive words and actions has nothing to do with the partner or relationship. We all know there are times when we can get over stressed dealing with our kids or work and take it out on those we love. For some people, sadly, their partner can be a regular target where they can unload. The next time your wife snaps at you remember that it's coming from some kind of internal pain, most likely psychological. While this doesn't change that it's wrong, hurtful, and needs to stop, having some understanding and perspective does help in dealing with it."
These are not the only reasons your wife may be acting mean.
Women also go through natural fluctuations in hormones that can cause changes to mood and behavior. Whether it’s PMS or perimenopause, both of which can cause behavior that seems crazy, it’s possible that she is dealing with feelings that she finds difficult to understand herself.
The natural stressors of parenting or dealing with aging parents can also create pressure and frustration.
Unfortunately, these frustrations can often be taken out on those closest to her, namely you.
This doesn’t excuse mean or abusive behavior but understanding why she is behaving the way she is can help you work with her to change her behavior.
The answer to that depends a lot on what the actual reason for her behavior is. But to start you can re-frame the way you view her.
Rather than seeing her as someone who is trying to hurt you, try looking at her with the understanding that something is bothering her. Her behavior stems from something, and you may need to put some effort into it to find out what exactly that is.
Try approaching things gently, discussing with your wife how her –
are hurtful and combative.
If you approach things from a caring standpoint and show that you love her and you want to understand what’s bothering her, it’s possible that she will soften and find a way to open up to you.
Bear in mind that this may not happen on the first attempt.
If the problems she is wrestling with are difficult to discuss and you have grown apart, it may take time and patience to break through. This may also require you to face issues in your relationship that have led the both of you to this point – especially if the things she’s angry about are actually things you’ve done.
The biggest mistake to avoid is trying to match meanness with meanness.
If you wife is being mean, being equally as mean and cruel will not help, it will only make things worse and drive you further apart.
A reader dealing with a wife whose behavior had become difficult wrote in to say,
My wife has a high conflict personality that is regularly emotionally abusive towards me. When she yells and puts me down and says mean things I get upset and say mean things back to her. How do I not react when she pushes my buttons with her abuse?" -Stanley
Managing this response in yourself can be difficult. The urge to “fight back” when someone is being mean or cruel is a strong one. Doing this, however, will only make things worse.
So,
are all choices that will send your relationship spiraling in the wrong direction.
This doesn’t mean that you should accept or ignore abusive behavior. There’s nothing okay or healthy about being willfully cruel to your spouse.
Be careful as well about who you confide in and allow to comfort you.
Emotional affairs often start when one partner is feeling ostracized by the other and seeks comfort from someone else. Lines can become very blurry when an unhappy partner creates a connection with someone outside the marriage.
But if your wife isn’t responding to your attempts to understand her and continues to verbally abuse you it may be time to seek the help of a counselor. Men come to Guy Stuff every day to learn how to fix problems just like this one.
Men don’t have the corner on hurtful and abusive behavior. If your wife seems unusually mean rest assured, you’re not alone.
Just as a man who behaves in an angry manner has deeper reasons for his behavior, so does a woman. In order get your relationship with your wife back to a healthy place, keep the following in mind:
The bottom line is that if your wife is regularly being mean or emotionally abusive toward you it needs to stop. A healthy relationship doesn’t include insulting, berating, or cruel behavior. Getting your wife to stop this behavior will take patience on your part and finding common ground for an honest discussion about why she’s acting this way.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published February 14, 2019. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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How can Iget better at understanding my wife
I went through this for 3 years or 19, the other day i asked her to move out. It made me very sad but i was on self preservation mode. If you act out and the fuzz gets called your screwed. thinking of marriage? , get a prenup or skip it for football. menopause causes 75% of divorces. you need a come to jesus moment if your in the age timefreme of hormonal metopause. because it makes many women go insane, causing this whole thing. how long will you tollerate being berated ?
Something happens to women after 50 or so. They become bitter and angry. I've seen it over and over again.
not necessarily. I have been seeing my wife to be this 50+ angry right from the marriage.
No guys these articles are bs you ever think that maybe she’s just a miserable c--t and she’s going to have the same problem no matter who she’s with
Yes, its really funny actually, when a guy acts like this the woman's diagnosis is usually that the guy is evil. but when a girl does it its because shes hurt and guess what its because of something the guy did. this article is clearly written by a girl. In my experience if you date a b!&%# chances are that she will remain a b#$%& through the relationship. Dump her and find yourself a woman that is kind and respectfull, life is too short to be with a person who treats you like trash, people dont usually change with the advise these woman articles give, all this does it shift the blame to anything but the girl. maybe this article works for the few but it would definitely be the exception not the rule. As a man I know my worth and just because you are mad doesnt give you the right to treat me like sh*(# and then expect the world of me, relationships are reciprocal, you treat as you want to be treated otherwise one turns out to be the bully while the other the victim plain and simple. I feel bad for guys who are stuck in these kind of relationships, and I wish them well, all I can say is pray for her and hope that God can change her, cuz most likeley she wont change because you talked to her or "understood" her.
Andrew, I don't see anything in this article that's blaming the guy. When we're in a relationship we influence each other and both partners need to consider how they do that in both positive and negative ways. Just as both partners need to own their own problem behaviors. -Dr. Kurt
As a scientist myself, I do see bias in this article. Putt
Putting the certification letters next to the name does NOT establish credibility or validity of the work. You must know this.
That said, true work in family disfunction may or may not be inclusive of fault to both parties. The author does correctly state that a person may be be acting out because of unrelated hurt. The article does not address psychological illness that a person victimizing another may have.
Thank you Andrew! You are so right. I have very much the same reaction to this article in articles like it. Your honest and accurate reply has enabled me to maintain my sanity for yet another day. Thank you again for simply stating the unfettered truth when no one else would.
It's literally quoted in the "article"!
"When your wife is mean to you..could be something you did"
Pedro, All partners must be willing to look in the mirror and consider how they may be impacting the other. This isn't blaming, it's taking responsibility. And this necessity in order to have a healthy relationship applies - again - equally to both men and women. -Dr. Kurt
Hello and thank you for your commitment to this problem
I've been through more than ten normal men i take care of my 5 Year old son who i am not supposed to be around till 2031 as well as my "wife" of 18 years before we had our son i was blind to the abuse i need help with anything i can do to stop her from going away to Mexico with my son
I was theratend with this i have been
Lied on with statement after statement
I am really the abused one here i got a DUI and after two years I'm sentenced to 275 days
I have read many books and articles this past 14 months,on MLC,menopause,Relationship issues,how react and to fix marriage neediness,anxiety,depression,18 months ago,I gave up my job,my music gigs,my family and friends to move to Spain from theUK,for my wife’s autoimmune illness,so I’d kinda say that is dedicating to a marriage,she did start to improve,BUT within 3& a half months,she falls in love with and has an affair with a friend whom I introduced her to,and as she was missing gym and running,coz it helped with her problem,I got him to take her out hiking !!! He played her and dumped her 4 times,,I held out the olive branch,as she was in a place I feared for hers and her dogs safety,also wanted to help her through her pain,and with covid it made sense because we couldn’t gig and running two places was financially draining unnecessarily,,,so with all that effort and understanding in mind,,she still came at me a few times with he berating sarcastic comments,only this time she wasn’t getting away with it,we are now cohabiting and getting on better than ever on the surface,but she is still so very unappreciative and inconsiderate.
Terry!! Wake up man! You are being such a puppet.
She has an affair after all you have done and your still trying to make her happy.... you need to run away from this woman as fast as you can!!!!
Dude your acting super beta, she cheated and still treats you like crap, dump her and get some peace in your life, don’t be so desperate it’s nauseating.