Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
6 Min Read
Contents
It’s pretty well known that sex is important to most men. But is it so important that it could cause a sex-life crisis?
Have you ever even heard of a sex-life crisis?
No?
Well, it’s not a common term. However, the idea that unhappiness with your sex life could lead to some kind of crisis, especially for a man, isn’t that hard to imagine. Particularly for female partners who’ve heard the complaints from their man about not having enough sex.
At Guy Stuff a very question we get frequently asked is – “What causes a midlife crisis?”
The answer is a number of things do and we’ve written about them in other articles on midlife crisis that you can read here.
So, is it possible to have a sexual midlife crisis?
Yes, for sure.
This is especially true for men. Keep on reading to learn the deeper reasons why.
Again, yes.
A midlife crisis is a response to being unhappy. And I can tell you from counseling men for more than 21 years that a lot of men are unhappy with their sex lives.
Here’s an example –
My husband has been complaining for a year plus about our sex life. He says it has dropped off from the hot and heavy sex we had before we married. I didn't think so but his dissatisfaction is real, so I thought about it a lot. He gave me some books to help things along and I've recently stepped up my game. He is still dissatisfied and now believes that the reason for the lackluster sex life (we have great sex 3-4 times a week) is that I'm not attracted to his body so he wants to have plastic surgery on his stomach and chest. I'm now convinced he's depressed and needs professional help. Although he has gotten help before, I don't think he will in this instance because he believes I am at fault. I don't know how to approach him.” -Lani
Lani may very well be right that her husband is depressed. But it’s very possible that it’s even more than that.
His desire for plastic surgery is an indication that a midlife crisis could be occurring as well. Both being depressed and having a midlife crisis can happen at the same time,
Sex is really important to a lot of men. And this is something that’s hard for many women to fully understand.
Most women LIKE sex and WANT to have sex (despite what many of you guys think). However, they don’t NEED sex.
And a lot of guys have made sex something they NEED.
Men can depend on sex for a number of things. Here are a few of the most common –
The last 3 feed their self-identity. They shouldn’t, but they do. This is how and why sex becomes a NEED.
When a core human need, such as oxygen, is not available, we can all panic.
Unfortunately, because sex has been turned into a need by many men, when they don’t have it, or have it to their level of satisfaction, it can trigger a sex-life crisis (or more accurately a sexual midlife crisis).
As you can see from above, sex is not just about sex.
Sure, sex is about –
But it can also be used for much, much more.
Because sex gets used for these things it certainly can cause a sex-life crisis when people (especially men) don’t get it or it doesn’t meet their expectations.
My husband of 38 years told me in Jan that he wants to be free to be himself, be independent and have a satisfying sex life. He is not sure if he wants this with me. Says he loves me and is attentive but not sure if there can be an us, a relationship with me. I have given him deadlines to stay or leave but he never makes a decision. He says he is attracted to other women and he is not subtle about looking at other women in my presence. We have always had issues with our sex life. After my breast cancer and mastectomies sex stopped about 10 years ago. We are 66. I love him and cannot imagine life without him and want to restart our relationship if possible.” -Trish
Trish’s husband shows the importance we can place on sex and the influence it can have on us – even at an older age. He’s 66-years-old and is ready to blow up his marriage so he can find “a satisfying sex life.”
Is he really just wanting to have more sex? Or to put it more bluntly, more orgasms?
Maybe.
But I’d bet his desire for a better sex life is most driven by a need to feel good about himself. And when he feels good about himself, he feels happy (just like all of us).
Trish doesn’t know it, and her husband doesn’t either, but he’s having a sex-life crisis.
How do you fix a sex-life crisis?
Simple. More sex, right?
Wrong.
Using more sex to fix a sex-life crisis is like putting a band-aid on a broken arm. It doesn’t address the true problem.
Based on what I’ve written above, does the reason a man has a sex-life crisis look like it’s only about sex?
Or, could it be something else?
I hope you can now see the true problem is something else, yet obviously sex is still part of the solution.
It’s crucial to recognize that it’s more than just sex, it’s actually a midlife crisis. More accurately, a sexual midlife crisis.
A midlife crisis is both simple and complex.
Because of this complexity your response cannot be too simple.
It can’t be something like this –
Fine, we’ll have more sex. So, can you now get over it and start helping me run this house again?”
Most partners of men having a sex-life crisis are understandably frustrated (and many times really angry). Often, they just don’t get why he makes sex sooo important. And then frequently he’s hurt them by the ways he’s tried to fix his unhappiness (Porn, following Instagram models, dating sites, cheating, etc.).
Here are a couple of beginning steps you can take –
These won’t fix it. It’s much more complicated than this, but they give you the best way to start and hopefully will make your efforts to help him more effective.
A sex-life crisis is about a lot more than it looks like at first. If you think someone you love might be having one, keep the following in mind –
Finally, most men don’t get over a sexual midlife crisis with just time. Like a traditional midlife crisis, a sex-life crisis is too complicated to just drift away. To actually resolve either one requires identifying the deeper causes and addressing them. This process almost always requires an experienced counselor who can help with these hidden psychological pieces.
Think your partner is having a sex-life crisis? Please share what that’s been like for you.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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Good article, wanted to share some perspective from a guy. The general premise here is correct, but there is probably an understated influence from social media and porn going on as well. Men that have been dutiful, responsible, and solely focused on providing for their wife and family see what others are being given by the opposite sex and simply realize the “contract” they signed up for isn’t worth it. Then people say, “they are paid to perform these acts,” … and I say that I have paid, and continue to pay, much more than that on a continual basis. Meanwhile, women have endless demands for monetary, emotional, physical, etc. “payments” (spoken and unspoken). Today’s good men have been conned by feminist movement that removed any source of enjoyment for them and replaced it with guilt if they don’t submit, and by the elite male/female classes that have access to any desire they want (just watch the news regarding the sex parties, clubs, islands, etc.). Being a married, responsible, dutiful man is the absolute worst deal out there. I have a hard time trying to reinforce this for my own sons as I know it just means a life of subservience to those that take advantage.
So no response, huh? So must be the hard truth…
Hey Ron, I didn't see that you were asking a question, just sharing your opinion. Some of which I agree with, and some I don't. I do appreciate you sharing your thoughts for other readers to consider. -Dr. Kurt
Thanks Dr. Kurt Smith. To be honest, wasn’t really looking for a response from you (no disrespect intended), but I assumed you wouldn’t agree. Wondering if there were any others that experience this, or have a counter experience with it. I honestly lost faith in the formal system as I am sure it is viewing relationships as a zero-sum game and looking to make up for the past patriarchy. Therefore, any man that tries to take responsibility and provide an equitable home life is just going to be the first to be taxed for sins of past generations. Seems that the better approach is to hold onto most of the old patriarchal norms as a collective community of men, giving only a little bit at a time. In this way no single person will be forced to sacrifice their entire existence to satisfy the collective community of women - our current culture. I am not saying this to be sarcastic, I am at the end of my fight, with no sign of life improvement for myself - too late to retrain my thoughts actions towards self reward. And God knows, nobody is going to reward me for any good deeds.
A man should never go to the woman for validation, not even his wife. He must know he's a man, the man for his life, with or without the woman, and nothing will change that fact about himself. When a man knows he is one regardless of what anyone else says, sex becomes fantastic and prolific. As an old man in my 5th decade of marriage, I can tell you sex is so good because my wife doesn't have to affirm me as a man. Instead, I show myself the man for her.