Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Viewing porn is a problem for many men, which means it’s a problem for many couples as well. In my counseling practice I work routinely with couples whose relationships are suffering not only because of porn, but the lies and broken trust that accompanies it.
One of the biggest problems with porn is the trust that gets shattered when husbands promise their wives they’ll stop, only to break that promise again and again.
Many wives that I counsel wonder how they can ever trust their husbands again after he’s lied about porn repeatedly. It’s a valid concern.
Overcoming broken trust in a relationship can feel impossible.
The constant suspicion and feeling like he’s not being honest about what he’s doing is emotionally draining.
That’s one of the reasons why questions about rebuilding trust are sent to us every day.
These are examples of questions we routinely get asked.
Let’s first recognize that since we're all human, we're all going to make mistakes.
This along with the idealized image we create of our partners at the beginning of a relationship, makes it no surprise that our expectations will be shattered at some point, and we’ll feel disappointed and let down.
And a very common idealization is the naïve belief that other men watch porn, “but not my husband.”
Breaking trust intentionally and repeatedly, however, by not honoring promises (as happens with porn) or engaging in hurtful behavior is completely different from broken expectations.
Trust is one of the cornerstones of a relationship.
Without trust, relationships fail. Repeatedly breaking our partner’s trust demonstrates a lack of love, respect, and maturity.
When we truly love and respect our partner, we’ll find a way to change our behavior. Or at least be honest about needing to change, even if we don’t know how to do it.
When we disregard the hurt we’re causing our partners by not changing, or by being dishonest about change, it’s like telling them - “You don’t matter.”
Men who watch porn will say that’s not true.
They’ll say they love their wives and would do anything for them. But that’s not how their wives feel.
Porn can make a woman feel -
And the fact that her husband seems to value porn more than keeping his promise can make her feel porn is more important to him than she is.
However, the addictive power of porn shouldn’t be underestimated. Until it’s broken, the cycle of addiction will lead him back to what he uses for escape - even if it’s unhealthy and at the expense of the wife he loves.
It typically takes professional help for them to have the tools and ability to be stronger than the addiction.
Below you’ll see a submission I received from a wife struggling to rebuild trust with her husband.
She's asking the question, "How can I trust my husband again after he lied about porn?"
Let's apply that idea of loving and respecting our partner by changing our behavior to Evelyn's relationship and question. Here's her story:
My husband has been watching porn for all of our married life together. We have been together for over 40 years, and I've tried to embrace it but I don't need it, and when it comes to the bedroom we have no inhibitions. So we have been having many problems with the advent of the "World Wide Web". He's totally a brain on computers and cellys. I have grave concerns with him having these kinds of electronics with his track record. All down through the years, he always promised never to do it again whenever he would get caught. These last 5 years have been the hardest, with the whole world on FACEBOOK, he had over 1800 friends, 3/4's of them were Asian girls. I also found it too easy to flirt, so we have went rounds with deactivating our Facebook accounts, over and over. How can I trust my husband after he's lied about porn so many times???" -Evelyn
Evelyn's question about trusting her husband after he lied about porn again, is pretty common, especially when it comes to looking at porn.
Many people believe that once trust is broken it cannot be rebuilt. This is not true.
It's hard and takes work to rebuild trust, but it can be done. I teach couples how to rebuild trust every day.
Evelyn's made a common mistake by focusing on the wrong thing regarding her husband's behavior change. She’s focusing on what her husband says rather than on what he does.
Almost every guy promises never to look at porn again when they get caught. But just like Evelyn's husband, few of them do anything about changing themselves so they're able keep their promise.
Porn is a drug, and for many men (and some women), they become addicted to porn, just like a drug.
So, changing a porn watching habit is not as easy as just saying,
I won't do it again."
I've been counseling a man recently who’s watched porn for years. Through our counseling we've been able to stop his looking at porn, but he still fantasizes about women (not his wife) and masturbates daily.
Despite this man's change, his wife still asks the same question as Evelyn, “How can I trust my husband again after he’s lied to me about porn so many times?”
What I tell her is the fact that he’s been coming to counseling every other week for a year and a half back up his words and demonstrate that he’s trying to change his behavior.
For Evelyn to be smart about trusting her husband again after he’s lied to her about porn repeatedly, she needs to see action from him too.
She must make a choice to trust his words. It may be difficult, but that choice is made easier when his words are backed up by his actions - like going to therapy and changing his behavior.
Trust is fragile. It takes time to build, but can be shattered quickly.
An addiction of any kind will likely break trust within a relationship, and that broken trust is compounded as one partner makes promises to change that aren’t easily kept.
When it comes to broken trust and porn, keep the following things in mind:
If your husband is taking concrete steps, like getting help, then I would recommend being patient.
It will take time for him to change, and it will take time for you to trust him again.
The key ingredients for change are – effort, time, and patience. These are also necessary for you to be able to trust him again after he’s lied about porn.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 29, 2014, updated on September 24, 2019, and has been updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Ok my story I met my husband 7 yrs ago and realised 1 year in he was watching Porn regularly I absolutely lost the plot at him partly because firstly I felt betrayed and partly because he never initiated love making and he said he had a low libido “no true” he struggled to keep an erection and I realised Porn had destroyed it, I knew his ex and she revealed Porn destroyed their relationship ! It was a deep addiction we struggled to regain trust and he swore he’d give it up 2 yrs later the problem was still there I trusted him again he stuffed up again , I seemingly made the mistake of agreeing if we watch it together or bring it in during sex then it was inclusive even though it did nothing for me ! It seemed to make a difference in he could keep an erection I then noticed he started to get lazy again and found he’d been watching it alone again I’m devastated and have put restrictions on his iPad and iPhone realising he’ll probably find a way around this, ive told him if he continues to make the choice of finding it I will go elsewhere for my lovemaking that’s if he chooses to cheat online I will cheat in real life because that’s fair he said no I’ll give it up well let’s see I’ve heard every stupid excuse under the sun and have said u r an Addict ! I’m married to him and I love him but he’s broken out trust and I’m truly prepared to find a lover
My husband has lied to me over and over about his porn use. I made it clear to him how it hurt me before we were married. He still continued to do it. 20 years into our relationship and 2 kids later, i found graphic porn videos and photos that he pasted my sisters photo on. He went out of his way to fb stalk my sister and create porn with her photos. I also found that he kept a video he found of my sister giving her boyfriend a blow job from before we were married. All these years he has been mastrubating and fanticizing about my sister. I am so hurt and discusted. I cannot even look at her or talk to her. I feel like i was never good enough for him. All these years he lied to me, promised never again, and did these things knowing how badly it hurt. How am i supposed to ever get over this. Has he been mentally ill and had this addiction all along. Did i ever have a chance. He acts like i did this to him.
Broken, I'm very sorry to hear he's done this and know how deep it hurts. Sadly, it impacts your relationship with both of them. I've worked with women who've had this same thing happen with a sister or other family member. Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for porn to create and feed fantasies like this. Thank you for sharing your story. -Dr. Kurt
I inadvernatly came across naked photos of my husband that he has taken of himself during his working hours. We were transferring information from one phone to another when these images downloaded. There was a confrontration about these images as I could see they are being taken whilst he is at work - I tried to be as neutral as possible asking him if he was having problems and could he talk to me about it - he shut right down. It was insanely shocking as my husband always errs on the side of conservative with our sex life but I can see that he likes me to take some charge so I do - but never once in the 30 years together has he ever said what he likes or even said he is turned or even feels like he needs to have sex with me. I can clearly see that he is quite sexual based on the photo's ( plus the detective in me - sorry) did lead me to find his secret online profile which he is active on daily. He is home with me everynight and every weekend - I don't believe for a second he is having an affair - but I am worried about this exhibitionist behaviour whilst he is at work - in real life it is quite upsetting for him to feel embarrassed but yet this other side of him...This is still in the realm of porn but he is posting it himself. I am not sure how to broach this subject with him and I am concened for his mental health.