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Contents
Nearly everyone has a smartphone these days. But they’re far more than just phones – they’re really mini-computers that we walk around with and use all the time.
We’ve become quite reliant on smartphones, and as amazing as the technology is with the many benefits they provide, there are definite pitfalls. In fact, some people seem addicted to their phones, which is why we frequently hear complaints from husband’s that their wives are on the phone all the time.
It’s not unusual to hear that the overuse of a cell phone has led to big problems in a relationship, and both men and women are guilty. But it’s more often husbands who want to know what to do when their wife is on the phone all the time.
Because phones do so much more than just let us communicate, there are endless reasons to use them.
All of these give people an excuse to sit for hours on their phones, especially social media.
But when a wife is on her phone all the time rather than interacting with her husband and family, there are big issues. And it’s not always easy to know what to do about it.
The miracle of technology allows us to connect globally with long lost friends and order toilet paper with a few key taps. But it can also be the thing that creates an enormous divide in our relationships.
Constant interaction with phones can interrupt and break our connection to family, as well as making intimacy with our partners more difficult to achieve and sustain.
Increasingly, men are reporting that their wife is always on the phone. It’s become one of the more persistent complaints that we hear while counseling men.
Many even say it seems like their wives are addicted to their phone.
Problems in a relationship relating to phone addiction are beginning to rival the more common issues regarding sex and money that many couples deal with.
Now, relationships are being disrupted by inappropriate and constant use of cell phones during times that should be reserved for personal connection like,
Some men say that their wives even take the phone into the bathroom or shower with them.
Even though many men may recognize that there’s something wrong, the normalcy of constant phone use in today’s society confuses the situation, often leaving them asking if their wife’s cell phone use is really a problem, or if they’re overreacting.
If you’re wondering if it’s a problem or just you, ask yourself the following questions.
Yes, there’s actually a term for those that ignore, or snub, their partner by using their phone – phubbing (phone snubbing).
When your wife is so absorbed in the worlds associated with her phone that it makes it hard for her to focus on you, it’s easy to feel secondary in her life.
So, if she seems overly intent on what’s going on in her social media account or getting the high score in Candy Crush, rendering her unable to engage in conversation or make eye-contact, her phone has definitely become a problem.
If you have found that the blue glow of her phone is more prominent in the bedroom than pillow talk or intimacy there’s an issue.
More and more men are saying that their wives bring their phone to bed and seem more interested in it than them. This can be a sign that your wife is addicted to her phone, and it isn’t healthy for you as a couple or for her as a person.
While texting, shopping and gaming on smartphones takes a lot of attention, social media is by far the biggest consumer of time for many. And, unfortunately, these platforms can be gateways to inappropriate relationships.
It can feel very easy and safe to flirt on Facebook, or follow someone on Instagram and begin a direct message relationship. Many believe these connections don’t affect your marriage but sadly, they do and often in a negative way. Even more sadly, the impact of these online relationships is often not realized until a lot of damage has been done.
This level of separation anxiety when missing a device is unhealthy and a sign that she’s too connected to her phone.
Consequently, there’s likely a negative impact on your relationship due to her obsession with her phone.
If the answers to any (or all) of the questions above is yes, then your instincts are probably dead on.
Your wife being on the phone all the time is definitely a problem.
There are a number of reasons your wife may be spending so much time on her phone.
One of the biggest is that phones are actually addictive. They’re designed to draw you in with,
Dr. Kurt counsels both individuals and couples daily. In his practice phone use has become an increasingly prominent topic.
When asked about his experience with this issue he had this to say:
Smartphones are the perfect escape. Always there. Quick and easy. They can even make it look like we're being productive. But they also can serve as a drug. The pleasure they bring releases feel good chemicals in our brains that are very enjoyable, powerful and addictive. When we're feeling down, unhappy or even depressed, our phones can be a quick, albeit temporary, fix. Be careful how you use yours. Phones are meant to be a tool, not a way for us to cope with or escape from our lives."
The reasons your wife spends so much time on her phone can vary, but below are some of the most common culprits.
Today’s smartphones provide an easy refuge for avoiding problems. Rather than talk about things that are going on, or discuss emotional or painful issues, you can hide in your phone.
Her phone and what she can do with it may provide attention and be acting as a method of self-soothing.
We’ve become a society of constant engagement and immediate gratification. If we have nothing to do for even a moment we fill our time looking at the worlds our phones give us access to – and it can be hard to stop.
While hobbies that engage your mind and creativity, especially if you can share them as a couple, are preferable, if your wife has found herself with too much time on her hands it’s possible she’s using her phone so much because she’s bored.
The big problem with this is the habits – sitting, disengaging, disconnection - it creates. And once these habits form they can be hard to break.
It’s important to remember that not all phone use is bad.
There are several things that phones provide that are both productive and positive.
Helping her understand how her being on the phone all the time is making you feel and impacting your relationship is a good first step in confronting her behavior. You’ll also need to talk to her – calmly.
Don’t expect her to give it up cold turkey though.
As with any addiction, there can be a painful period of “detoxing.” Anyone who’s on the phone all the time will need to create a plan for how to curb their use, and that will likely happen in stages.
The biggest issue when it comes to reducing phone use is the overwhelming feeling that she’ll miss something.
Being unable to control impulses and constant FOMO (fear of missing out) are very real side effects of being constantly connected.
Helping her see there are very few things that are immediately important can be difficult and will take time. Reminding her of what’s real and tangible – you, your family, experiences together – is crucial though.
Phones and other technologies can be an enhancement to relationships in some circumstances. For instance, staying connected when you’re far apart and seeing faces of friends and family in other parts of the world are amazing benefits.
But in most daily relationships’ phones can be disruptive and degrade,
If your wife is on the phone all the time, you’ll know exactly what I mean.
To combat the problem and improve your relationship remember the following things:
If your wife is on the phone all the time you can be a positive influence and help by engaging with her and looking for opportunities for you both to detach. Chances are you can use a break from your phone too.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 17, 2019. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Wow. I knew i wasn't the only one but never thought this many other men were going through the same thing. I've sat and watched my spouse on her phone for nearly 14 hours one day and not moving from the same location. It is sad to watch someone literally decline into an addiction like this. I've brought it up to her but she gets defensive and denys it. My kids call her name and she ignores them. She won't do anything except be on her phone. From her wake up time until she falls asleep. I want more than this. Its not fair to me but I'm expected to be at her side and support her constantly and shower her with attention yet I get none of that. Her phone is her companion. I am ready to move on. I feel no hope is there anymore. If it was me addicted to my phone like this she would have already divorced me.
I feel all of you in this. I’ve been married for 12 years and my wife says her phone is her decompression time. It starts when I get home from work and lasts until 2-3 am. I’m alone and hurt and not sure what to do. She does not work and finds ways to escape daily to play games on her phone and just escape reality. I appreciate all of you here
Hi, I having serious problem with my wife too. I am trying my best to explain to her the situation but I can't get through her. My wife is always busy and worried about other people's problem then our own wellbeing. I told her that I am really fed up she keeps telling me other people's stuff but she never listens my feelings. One the huge problems is that she has a best friend who keeps on calling her any time of the day and they speak for very long, atleast 3 to 5 times a day or more. I had a serious chat with her that it's really annoying she still doesn't understand. Now me and her keep on getting into arguments in front of our child. I feel so bad. Our relationship is toxic and I blame her freinds for not understanding even through they heard me telling her reduce too long conversations and her freinds also are married with kids. They should understand but they're selfish don't care how it's effecting our marriage.
Hi Amir , I put everything into my marriage even gave up my friends when my daughter was born ( time to grow up I thought) But there always just seem to be an undertone these last five years , like I said in my previous post we went to marriage councilling 3 years ago where i admit there were faults on both sides BUT I as was pouring my heart out trying to save the marriage , she was on the phone to her friends telling them ALL about it , I only found this out as she gave me her old phone she had reset it but forgot to delete photos & there were screenshots of msg's to friends & her family ripping me apart , I could not believe it , so my advice Amir is tell her straight or your out the door as it sounds like you've tried & been ignored , Here is a test for ALL you guys , listen to what your wife says about her friends husbands & I guarantee she's saying the same about YOU , It's like witches covens all over the UK stirring up resentment towards their husbands each of them trying to outdo each other with their nasty comments behind your back & no matter what you do , your called lazy etc. & this is by someone who spends 30/40 plus hours of their free time on their i phone then tells you the bin needs emptying !!!!!!!! Honestly I am looking forward to getting out of this toxic marriage I am in , towards the end the put down comments & nagging was non stop
Forgot to say guys , If your thinking LOGISTICS on moving out would be a nightmare & It would be easier to try & make things work right ?
WRONG these same Logistics are still going to be there in 1/2/3 years time , TBH It was me that called time on the marriage nearly 3 years ago but with having kids & family to tell plus the thought of emptying our home after 30 years , It was easier to say lets try marriage councilling BUT if you have read my previous posts you will see I should have seen it through 3 years ago & although I have now come through the otherside , i'm going on my first date since the split on Saturday & have now bought my own flat , I still have up & down days but who does'nt ... I feel the i phone has changed my X wife as this was a person I thought I could trust with my life BUT she was undermining the marriage at every turn with her friends via her phone
Women just seem addicted to gossip & trying to fix other peoples problems & putting every little detail out there , instead of looking at what they have & being happy , you cannot expect your partner to make you happy , YOU have to be a happy person to start with .
Can't figure out do i have the same situation. I guess i have.... My wife also chatting a lot on her phone- at mornings while we drive in car, than lunchtime at work (we work at the same place) while driving back home, than the rest of the evening. Weekends most of the day....but she still does things around the house, but don't let phone out of hands, she cooks while on phone (takes doble time and quality suffers) shes on phone while i try to talk with her, she can sit in toilet or bath for hours and never leaves phone outside, any chore she does takes her sometimes weeks to do cos of phone distraction. Example, just needed to move closet to another room, taking out clothes took her at least two weeks, puting them back its already week and still not finished. When she helps kids with homeworks, shes on phone, when we go to bed, she's on phone. Well just answered myself...yeah that's too much..also when i comfront her about it the answer is she's extrovert and she needs to talk with other people. But i kinda feel that 1st is phone and i get attention when nobody is online to talk with her (rare). Intimacy doesn't exist and she told that she needs to be on mood and good wibes from chatting can help to get that mood. Okay sounds legit, but in real life i don't see any changes only gets worse. I really don't want to divorce, but that thought is in my mind more often. I kinda want to understand am i the crazy one or she. And how to change this.
Rob, I don't think either one of you is "crazy," but your wife sure appears to be addicted to her phone. The reality is that that's a problem that needs to be fixed for everybody's wellbeing. -Dr. Kurt
Hey All, having read most comments, this place is for me! I’ve battled depression past 2years, now I find myself in the same situation as you guys……. Wife on her Phone phone phone, majority of the days. which tbf makes my anxiety worse, when I’ve challenged it I’m the bad one overthinking etc. not only that the phone goes everywhere, toilet bathroom everywhere!! Sex is total 0%, I’ve been married 11years I keep reassuring myself the loves still there BUT there’s no signs. I’ve thought of divorce, breaks etc I have kids to consider. I pay all bills-Shopping - cleaning - luxuries etc. I’m absolutely pi**ed off watching this sh*t everyday now, anxiety through the roof! just no connection or I don’t feel it. Any advice I’d appreciate this.
I’m also scared of separating as it’s all new start, house, divorce, kids
CHEERS
Hi Craig , I am no Doctor but I have been through a 30 year marriage , i-phone Phubbing , Marriage Councilling , Separation both the emotional side & financial side ( still ongoing) going to see a solicitor , looking for places to rent , then maybe buy as finding a place to rent was not easy , then finally rent again that process alone took 6 months , living on my own for 7 months luckily for me I moved to an area I was familiar with & my neighbors are great , i'm sorry to hear about your depression & anxiety Craig , I think I was depressed back in 2010-2012 due to the last recession as I worked in the building trade & had to give up being a self-employed joiner after 15 years & look for a job , Now what helps me when times are tough is the Battle of Stalingrad ( the World at War series) if you watch this you will see what both Armies went through over 6 months & anything life throws at you seems better compared to what they had to endure , For my ex-wifes 50th in 2015 we went on a family holiday to Corfu , then I bought her a Brand New car & private reg , then another holiday to New York in October , this was all turned against me by her saying she organized the holidays & did not want a new car, then because someone keyed her car in a car park the car was now CURSED , anyway now fast forward 7 months since I moved out of the marital home & I have lost weight , just applied for a new job , looking to buy a new house & car , my ex is going to have to give me 40% of her pension in 8 months time ( she's been avoiding my solicitor on this) but I will chill out & wait , I honestly can say I am happier without her than I was with her .... if you search Matrimonial Assets guys you can look ALL this stuff online , whatever assets you have as a married couple gets split 50/50 including your pensions , If you read my previous posts you will see I have been telling you my story since 1 month after my ex said I can't do this anymore ( that was after me seeing a text from her old boyfriend on her phone!!!!!) go figure , women just have a way of turning things around so you think your at fault or are we just that naïve , so again my advice guys is if you do not want to split up then tell her straight don't pussy foot around TELL HER it's you or the inanimate object or you start doing your homework now on flats to rent & separating & go see a solicitor on your own they will keep you right , it's not an easy road but i've been where you guys are now ( wife on the phone all the time) & believe me your better moving on for your own wellbeing // mental health
I think it’s important to recognize - Perception is a b*tch. Many people tend to disproportionately notice other’s phone use more than their own. If someone’s job (or school) is online and they don’t have a reasonable computer setup they may be on their phone for 8 hours a day just for their work. That doesn’t include connecting with friends and family or taking care of the household (grocery lists, actually grocery shopping through apps, etc).
In my particular situation we went into a fulltime RV lifestyle. I requested a variety of tools for school, music, reading, writing (3 of my kids are writers), creating art (myself and my children are all artists), connecting with friends, etc. My husband nixed all this and said our smart phones and ipad could do everything! I watered against this but he made a unilateral decision (that didn’t count as compromise because it was “just the more practical/only reasonable thing”). I was also running a business online (with 200,000 followers). All this had to be managed by our phones. This was not my preference but how he set it up. After awhile he began to complain about us being “addicted” to our phones (and the younger one with the iPad). Even though he was on his phone or binge watching shows all day and night. Or daydreaming about all the things he was gonna buy when he magically made his first million next year (always next year, without any real work). He’s glued to a screen as much or more than the rest of us, without being nearly as productive or even truly connecting with other human beings. Our children have always been fairly good at regulating their screen time with getting outside and walking or hiking. Because I’m always here with them I’m able to know when they’re watching educational content or for fun content, when they’re writing, drawing, editing, reading books or looking up stuff they’re interested in learning about, using apps to learn languages or where stuff is on the planet, etc. And the kids easily considered much of mom’s phone time as she’s in her invisible work cubicle. But there with each other and able to comfortably interact and share what each of us was experiencing or creating or learning about. It’s been a very rich experience for us. Even if we all wish we had other means and devices to use for some of it. Now, if their dad had actually been working as he was supposed to be, and wasn’t so not self-aware, he wouldn’t have developed such issues with it. For one he would’ve been genuinely busy and productive for 8 hours a day. And two, he wouldn’t expect us all to just be available for whatever he wanted whenever he randomly felt like doing something with one of us. He created this disconnect and then complained about it. We tried to draw him in for a long long long long time. We tried many things. Eventually we naturally found our own rhythm and he’s bitter that it doesn’t suit him. He feels like we’ve excluded him. And admittedly, very recently, we've become uncomfortable with him. We all still love him and want to do better. It’s just a *lot* of effort. And his requirements/expectations are unreasonable. He demands respect when he doesn’t give it. He craves gobs of praise when he hasn’t earned it. And just seems to think we should always be available for him at the drop of a hat. I’ve seen him literally have his nose in his phone for hours, only to look up and want to say or do something with one of us (or all of us), see that we’re on our phones (even if we’d been out exploring or reading a book together or having lively conversations just prior to that) and roll his eyes at us and comment on how addicted we are. NOT ironically. He really doesn’t see it.
I really think the moment one of us (all humans) finds ourselves complaining about something others are doing which is driving us crazy or making us feel
unappreciated, we NEED to stop and take a long hard look at ourselves to see if we’re doing the very same thing.
Jane, Your last sentence is correct - "we NEED to stop and take a long hard look at ourselves to see if we’re doing the very same thing." The psychological term for this behavior, which is a defense mechanism used to protect ourselves, is projection. -Dr. Kurt