Think Marijuana Addiction has any negative effects? Check out these stories about Addiction To Marijuana and see how partners and relationships can suffer.
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Any behavior that one partner keeps secret from the other is going to be detrimental to the relationship, but smoking presents some unique issues. Whether it’s cigarettes, pot, or vaping, trying to hide smoking from your spouse rarely works and can sink a relationship.
Most of us know that smoking is an unhealthy habit and nationwide rates of cigarette smoking are down. Unfortunately, traditional cigarettes have been replaced by many with vaping or pot smoking.
Regardless of the substance you’re smoking, if you’re hiding your smoking habit from your spouse there’s a problem, and not just with your health.
You know you shouldn’t be doing it. You know your spouse wants you to quit, but you can’t help it – you need a smoke. And you figure if you do it in secret, away from everyone, and hide the evidence, no one will be the wiser, right?
Wrong.
Smoking of any kind is nearly impossible to hide, especially from your spouse.
Unless you completely avoid all levels of closeness and intimacy in your relationship, smoking is a habit that leaves traces on even the most careful person.
None of these actually work to get rid of the evidence - smoke always leaves traces.
Cigarettes,
Pot has the same tells with the addition of,
Even vaping nicotine or THC, which many think is easier to hide, can be spotted if you know what to look for.
And those are just the outward signs.
If you’re smoking, you’re also damaging your health and your appearance. Smoke of any kind will age you and damage your skin, eyes, and teeth.
Eventually your inability to climb stairs without breathing heavily, your cough, and your need to disappear for a several minutes at a time will be noticed.
Smoking cigarettes, pot, or vaping create many other problems and dangers as well.
Being high isn’t something you can hide, and if you’re trying to you may also be putting others in danger. Trying to hide smoking pot and being high from your spouse could mean that you’re also engaging in risky behavior, like driving under the influence or being entrusted with the care of children.
Neither of these things are acceptable and both are illegal.
It’s not just your health that’s at risk when you hide a bad habit. The physical changes caused by smoking and vaping can degrade your appeal on all fronts.
Secret behaviors also destroy trust, and smoking in particular can make it harder for your spouse to feel attracted to you. This isn’t just because of the lingering smell or yellowing teeth, it goes much deeper than that.
Hiding a behavior like smoking can cause,
Dr. Kurt has seen this time and again in his counseling. And while the substances may vary, hiding bad habits, especially smoking, always causes problems. Here's what he had to say,
While chain smoking cigarettes has become less common, secret smoking has become really common. Here are a few examples I've heard in counseling - smoking a couple of cigarettes while drinking with friends at a Super Bowl party, sneaking into the garage late at night to smoke pot to help fall asleep, smoking crack at a party in Vegas, telling your wife you quit binge smoking cigs when you've actually just switched over to vaping. All of these have come up as issues with partners who were angry about being lied to, deceived, or not being told. Hiding smoking from your spouse just makes the problem bigger and can actually create a problem where there may not be one. While none of these spouses were happy about their partner smoking, most said they could deal with that, but absolutely would not accept the deception."
A clear example of these problems can be seen in Meisa’s relationship.
I have been married for 5 years with a marijuana addict. When we met, we used to dope together until I started to feel I wanted to quit. He agreed for 4 to 6 months and started again when we discover we were pregnant. He started to grow it and by the time our daughter was born we both were smoking all day long. I decided I wanted to quit and needed him to stop for the good of our baby. He agreed but lied and hid it. And this has been our marriage for 5 years. We even signed a contract to be able to work together in our family business. Again, he broke the deal and now I have resigned, and he has lost me as a worker and honestly at this point as a partner in life. I do not want to spend the rest of my life fighting every 3 or 4 months against the same issue over and over and have these arguments in front of our 5-year-old who has happened to spend her childhood seeing this drama with pain and confusion. The worst part: I am pregnant again and even if he apologizes and promises to quit the lying, mistrust and anger have damaged us so much. It’s even bigger than just him being "high". If you have promised your partner or spouse to quit, DO IT before it is too late! While you can still rebuild trust and treasure your family that loves you. Please don't exchange that for something that makes you ‘feel good’. Look out for help and work your way. Your loved ones would be proud and by your side.” – Meisa
Meisa’s story is typical for couples when one partner is trying to hide their smoking habit, and her warning to others should be taken to heart.
The major cornerstones of a strong relationship are trust and respect.
When you engage in habits that are detrimental to your health and to your family’s health, three things happen.
They,
Lying about your behavior only further destroys trust and respect.
Although the concerns regarding the physical effects of smoking on a partner and children are very real, the biggest problem for many couples when it comes to hiding a smoking habit isn’t smoking itself – it’s the deception and the mistrust it creates.
Secrets always come out and they have a way of slowly destroying relationships. They create a need for lies and sneaky behavior, which will erode communication and cause partners to drift apart.
These communication issues and distance can leave a relationship open to even larger problems, like potential emotional affairs as one partner seeks the company of someone who can commiserate or sympathize with their position.
Eventually, without intervention, these behaviors will destroy a relationship.
I'm ruining my marriage through smoking weed. The thing is I know it yet I'm in total self destruct mode. I sit there smoking thinking about what I'm doing but still carry on. She's upstairs I'm in my man cave and she won't let me share the bed if I smoke. So we hardly sleep together. I need to stop.” - Martin
Although he’s not actively hiding his smoking, Martin is a good example of what can happen to a marriage when destructive habits are given priority over the relationship.
In Martin's case he knows he has a problem and the fact that he hasn’t been able to stop means he may be facing a full-fledged addiction. He needs help, and he will need the support of his wife in order to quit.
If you’ve discovered or suspect that your spouse has a secret a smoking habit you’ll need to handle things delicately.
The fact that they’re doing it in secret means that they already know you wouldn’t approve and are,
Or,
Whatever the reason they’re hiding things, they aren’t likely to respond well to an aggressive confrontation over their problem.
Knowing that your spouse is actively hiding something from you can be infuriating. The anger at being lied to can make you want to yell, accuse, and demand.
Unfortunately, going about things this way can lead to them feeling worse, going to greater lengths to hide things, and potentially depression in your partner.
Most people don’t want to maintain bad habits or hurt the people they love. So, there’s a fair chance your partner has some desire to quit and is struggling with their own strength and ability to do so - even if they haven’t admitted it to you yet.
I've been smoking ever since i was 18 when i went away to college and made my first friend. That friend smoked and eventually got me to start doing it too. It’s been 7 years since then and I’m still smoking. Recently my girlfriend and I have been constantly arguing about pot and she feels I’m addicted. After taking a look in the mirror (& at my finances) i think she’s right and I feel terrible. But every time i try to quit i find myself sneaking around her and smoking it. The longest i last without it is a few days. Any advice on how to permanently quit?” – Chad
Chad’s reaction to his girlfriend’s concerns demonstrates how the wrong approach can backfire.
The more they argue the worse he feels and the more he tries to hide it.
What Chad needs is help and that likely means professional help. This can be hard to accept for both the partner that’s hiding their smoking and the partner being lied to.
Unfortunately, smoking is often dismissed as nothing more than a bad habit like biting your nails or swearing too much. Many people whose partner’s smoke think saying, "Just quit!" should be enough, but it’s not that simple for most.
When a person has gotten to the point of hiding their smoking from their spouse, especially when they know its destroyed the trust in their relationship, “just quitting” probably isn’t possible. It’s more complicated than that and addiction counseling.
If you’re in a relationship and dealing with a secret smoker of any substance, it’s time to take things seriously and consider what additional options and resources you may have.
Remember,
Working together, and potentially with the help of a professional counselor, is the best option to get your spouse to quit hiding their smoking, take care of their health, and rebuild the damaged trust in your relationship.
Editor’s note: This post was originally published February 13, 2020 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Two problems with this article. One is that it seems to have been written by a smoker and second, when you write a story about Chad and then later in the story refer to him as Justin it’s hard to take anything you have written seriously.
Brian, You're right, the conflicting names can make it suspect. That is until you know why. We change the names of everyone we quote and simply missed this one. I don't believe a typo makes the whole article have no value though (it's fixed now). Thanks for pointing out the error. But you're incorrect that it was written by a smoker. -Dr. Kurt
I’m the wife of a smoker that has been hiding this promise he made to me for 4 years . I’m at my wits end. I’m not sure what hurts me the most, his disrespect for my feelings ir his sneaky ways of smoking ( when my intuition keeps in, I’m always right!!! What on earth do I do? This causes physical pain and emotional pain so bad. I just want to leave any more! 😭
Hi Tina, I am in the same predicament as you. My husband of 52 years (he is 76) and I am 74, has been smoking since we met. He has tried to quit and has successfully for three years at a time. He always starts again and hides it from me until I find out. Just today, I discovered a cigarette in his pocket! I was led to
believe he had quit 8 months ago! His voice has deepend, he coughs non -stop and it drives me crazy. But the worst part for me is the deceit, the lack of trust and being broken is at this point, yet again, is the deal breaker for me! I can’t just be supportive this time, he’ll never change. Living with a smoker is the worst and to hide it from me again after all this time is just insulting and disrespectful! I honestly feel
Like he cares more about smoking then he cares about me & our marraige. He also smoke pot Constantly and a vape. The money he spends on this harmful stuff not to
Mention the ever present beer is just too much for me. I love him but i hate this part of him. He obviously isn’t going to change so I think I am leaving.
Hi, Linda. It has been around 1 1/2 years since you wrote that you were considering leaving. I’m going to ask if you did, but from my own experience with a husband who has lied repeatedly and I kept staying, I’m going to guess you are still with him. Are you? After as many years of being the chump in the relationships, I believe I will just stay. So does this mean we are pleased with our husbands except for their bad habits and lies? Should we just be happy with the men they and disregard their addictions? Addiction is a disease I know but it really is hard to want to take care of a husband who can no longer be someone to enjoy life with while he continues to kill himself daily.
Hi Tina, 2 weeks ago I discovered the my wife married since 11 years was smoking vapes and hiding it from me, my little son found the vapes accidentally in her bag. She did not realized somebody found it but I was in state of shock. Not because she wanted to try it but because luck of trust in her husband which was always honest and trying to protect her a lot from bad people. I felt very stupid and I was trying to understand why it happens to me why she hides from me the most respectful husband and caring and always direct and honest, no bulls**t, no lies always was looking for solutions for her. It is insane to experience this I feel she has double role, at home there is the wife role and outside at her job she is experiencing a lot of things that are bad to her. Why to hide? I am not a bad man I am natural and trying always to help people and may be she doesn't need my support this time. Why to keep it secret, means a lot of disrespect and lost of trust and love in your partner. How can a marriage can continue like this, next time there is something else, and I will always live with this feeling that can't trust her anymore. I feel that she deserves somebody with the same secrets and the same hiding temperament means the guy will not be affected if he finds out because he is the same he has is own secrets and trials. How a marriage with 3 kids can survive living with this in mind?
I'm the guilty party on this topic. I dabbled with smoking in college and totally quit when I was 24. I am now 33 and have been married 5 years. My husband travels a lot for his work and, about 6 months ago, I was out with friends. One is a smoker the other smokes when she drinks. Somehow, I convinced myself I wanted a cigarette too. I thought that since my husband was out of town, I was safe. I remember enjoying the cigarette(s) but thought, this is just a one-time thing. I ended up staying the night with my smoking friend and in the morning, she made coffee and was smoking on her lanai. I joined her for coffee and she handed me her pack of cigarettes. I was going to say no, but I took one. Again, I thought that this was just a "girl-talk" cigarette and thought it would be my last. My husband returned the next day none-the-wiser. I was fine for a few days until he went out of town 4 days later. I was feeling a little stressed from work and needed to stop at a gas station for gas. As I was waiting in line to pay, I saw the cigarettes lined up on the shelf and something possessed me to buy a pack and a lighter. I remember going to a parking lot where no one would see me and had the first of what would be 3 cigarettes that day. The next day (the day before my husband got home) the count rose to 5. That was going to be the end of it because I didn't want my husband (who is anti smoking) to know. The next morning, I went to the coffee shop before work thought, "I can have one more. He won't be home until evening". What's funny is a co-worker busted me and told me I smelled like smoke. I lied and said I drove my smoking friend to work that morning. I did ok the rest of the day and picked my husband up at the airport that night without him suspecting a thing. I did have cravings but didn't smoke for the next couple days. But I really wanted one and convinced myself I could have one in the morning and still hide it from hubby. That worked ok for a couple days, but then I started craving the nicotine. Long story short, I started letting my husband go to bed before me and when he was asleep, I would sneak outside and have one. I allowed it to affect our intimacy which I'm ashamed of. After about 4 days of this, he busted me. I admitted what I had been doing and apologized. He was more understanding than I would have thought. He wants me to quit and is helping me along that route. He does accept when I need a cigarette and would rather I have one than be bitchy and not be intimate with him. But I still find myself not wanting him to know I'm a 4-7 cigarette smoker a day now.
I believe people that smoke risk death, and they just don't care about anyone at all. People say it is hard to quit. It's not. It's the will to do right and stick to it. My spouse after 20 yrs, had a silent stroke, an anuerysm and frontal lobe brain damage. He admitted to dr. he never quit smoking, so now his brain also has vascular ischemic weakening in his arteries from smoking which means he can have another stroke and hemmorhage out. He said he gave it up after finding out about stroke, last week I caught him smoking between 2 cabins with a young nephew. I caught him red handed! He acted like a child. I had it. So I said if you can jeopardize my life my future then I guess my divorce papers will jeopardize you life, your future. I said why should I reap such saddness such pain and a future of hospital visits bills wheelchair and being a total caregiver. I even said I fell out of love since you lied to me for 20 yrs and I said please don't ever lie to me ...Trust is broken. He can trust me, but there has been way too many times between drinking and smoking that I gave my heart and prayed and have hope. I think God can move me away something as painful as this cause it broke my heart and it is very painful. He also has bvftd as they say, so with his anger and not seeing it... I just can't do it.