You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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I never know what I’m going to get when someone comes for counseling. I’ve heard a lot over 20+ years and so I’m not usually shocked. But I was a bit taken back when Sean started out by saying, “I hate my wife and I hate my life.”
Typically, it takes a little while to get people to finally open up and tell me why they’ve really come to counseling. Often, it’s about something big, like “I’m having an affair” or “He drinks too much.”
Sometimes I get, “We’re great, except for this one thing.”
And once in a while it’s something really all-encompassing like, “I hate my wife, I hate my life.”
Where do you go from there? That’s kinda everything.
I told Sean,
Man, you just made me depressed!
I don’t know. I guess.”
Sadly, Sean’s far from alone. When you’re unhappy with your romantic life, it can bleed into every other part of your life, leaving you unhappy with all of our life.
Unhappy is different from hate though. Hate is a really strong word to use.
People can say, “I hate you” in the heat of the moment, but to feel that level of dislike for your partner persistently is a whole other thing.
So, hating your wife and hating your life is pretty overwhelming.
When a husband feels this way about his wife, he typically obsesses on it.
Unfortunately, not being able to let it go only intensifies the thought and feeling.
This can cause:
It creates a horrible negative feedback loop between thoughts about hating her and feelings of hate – one feeding and whipping up the other in increasing intensity.
Our mind often goes to question asking too. Such as:
And examples are generated and replayed over and over again to justify the belief.
Analysis is done of her intentions, motivations, and causes for her behavior – her parents got divorced when she was a kid, her dad cheated on her mom and now she thinks I’m doing that to her, her mother is really controlling, “She’s bat sh-t crazy...”
Comparing your wife to others you know, and your marriage to other marriages is common.
We search for explanations on our side too.
Maybe –
The power of hating your wife and your life can be a trigger for a midlife crisis. Which, unfortunately, only feeds the thoughts and feelings as the unhappiness increases.
Understandably, this is a depressing thought. I don’t know how you can think and feel it and not be depressed. So, hating your wife is also a cause of depression.
Is there anything good that results?
I don’t see it.
Now that doesn’t mean you should change how you feel about her, but it does mean you should change how you handle the feeling and let it control you.
I’m married for 21 years, got 3 beautiful kids, nice home and well off. My wife has never been happy, can never find a nice or positive thing to say. She does not work, she takes my daughter to school, the two boys have cars now. She has called me everything bad and horrible under the sun, tears me to shreds verbally, and has hit me and kicked me for years until one day 4 years back I said if you do that again I will hit back and I did. She never hit me again. She does not have to do house work or anything as we have help in house and garden. She is meant to make me meals and that seldom happens and when it does its disgusting and overcooked. She just leaves dishes and food out after diner and the food spoils by morning. She is meant to keep the home and make it nice, she doesn't. I have this feeling of resentment and disdain for her as she is so f-ing lazy. My older son says he doesn't know how I take it. I love my family and don't want a divorce but fear I am starting to hate my wife because she is so lame, negative and abusive and just never grateful. I’ve stayed because I don't want to break my daughters heart and be away from her.” -Jerry
Many husbands who hate their wives feel stuck, like Jerry. They stay for reasons such as their kids, convenience, lifestyle, or don’t want to lose their retirement savings.
Rather than change anything (there are other changes than just divorce), they suck it up (or stuff it away) and stay.
Which leads to not only hating your wife, but also hating your life.
Hating your life and hating your wife aren’t always linked, but they often are.
It’s possible to hate your wife, but still love your job, kids, or golf.
But hating your life means pretty much everything.
However, it’s often a general, blanket statement that often lacks much specificity.
Why do you hate your life?
A guy I’m counseling said this week –
I don’t wake up happy. I don’t go to bed happy. I wake up stressed. I go to bed stressed.”
Here’s another guy –
I’m in another state working. I’m going from site to site doing the same evaluation over and over again. It’s boring as hell. And while I’m gone my wife is at it again, accusing me of cheating, just like she does every time I leave town. My daughter’s school called yesterday and says they think she’s distributing drugs and needs to be drug tested. My son is out of control and my wife gives back every punishment I give him. I hate her for all of it. I hate my life at home and hate it at work.” -Armando
For a lot of us it’s not that difficult to get to a point where we feel like there’s nothing good in our life.
When you hate your wife and life you really are in a mental prison.
While the reasons for hating are real, the prison is one of our own making.
The truth is we control our feelings – other people or our circumstances do not. Learning how to manage our feelings is a crucial life skill for everyday life, but especially for times like this.
How can you escape the hate prison you’re in?
It’s not just husbands who are negatively impacted either.
I've been married for 32yrs. My marriage is I think over. My husband hates me. We still live together. He's always been verbally abusive. I got tired and left the bedroom for good. I know he's not cheating, except maybe on the weekends where he’s not here all day. Is it possible for a person to love and hate you at the same time?” -Sue
Yes, it’s very possible that your husband both loves and hates you. Most men who hate their wife and their life are confused. Not only about what to do and what they want, but also about how they really feel.
They need help sorting it all out, but sadly most won’t get it.
If you hate your and hate your life, what should you do?
Here are a couple things you can do and questions you can ask to get yourself started:
Most people run away from things they don’t like. And that’s the most common response when men hate their wife and hate their life, but there are a lot of negatives that come with that choice. So, don’t make running away your response.
Do you hate your wife? Hate your life? Please share why so other readers can give you feedback and support.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
Many husbands (and wives) are not "in love" with their partners any longer.
Is your spouse Emotionally Detached from you and your marriage? Check out these 7 Signs of Emotional Detachment and see where your relationship stands.
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Being equal with a man is no longer the objective for a woman, she must be superior in every area of life to justify all of her female inadequacies. This deep rooted disease of the female personality only becomes worse as the ageing process progresses. You will never be able to reason or logically argue with a female as they believe they are correct in their assumptions and emotional reasoning with produces classic cognitive dissonance . Feminism and modern liberalism have successfully corrupted female expectations and common sense logic with narcissistic delusions which are impossible to remedy. Do not waste your time and mental health on trying to remedy or change your female partner as she will relapse into her disconnected narcissism when conditions suit her, 'It is better to live on the rooftop than live with a contentious woman'. To shrug off the female curse, simple be a man ! Practice manly things, think like a man, walk and conduct yourself as a real man. Simply rise above her with your God given superiority as a male being. Dismiss all female jealousy as a natural attack against your masculinity which irritates the feminist disease. The feminist affliction is worse than terminal cancer and it desires to envelop your masculinity in its metastasizing corruption until you are lost in a sea of depression,self loathing and hatred for life. ' A good woman is hard to find and rarer than diamonds'. Build something only a man can build. Think the creative and productive thoughts only a man can think. Inspire others with your manly wisdom instead of whining about your impossibly situation. Be smart, square shouldered and ready for male action at all times. Lead your way out of the whirlwind and darkness with a calm soldiery march. Realise you are dealing with a weak inferior creature of nature who's fragility feeds from your weak neurotic reactions. Overcoming is superior to defeatism. By displaying your strong male character and superior character under fire you may be able to shame the femanoid brain into sanity shocking it into obedience and reverence of your strong masculinity. If this works or not continue to walk the masculine walk and talk the man talk and you shall be complete in all things. Compromise not, dont cuck out, good luck !
So as intense as your comment is…I totally agree with everything you’re saying. Thanks for having the courage to speak what we are all thinking.
Honestly relationship are so tough. I’m so messed up from arguing that I feel as stupid and my wife tells me I am. I think some relationships should just end for the better of both parties. Kids would make it hard. Finances would make it hard too. But if both of those things can be dealt with somehow I think splitting up would be better both people’s mental health. I can’t imagine going on like my wife and I have been for a long time. The red flags are pilling up and honestly life’s not about living in misery. There are sunny days, good conversations, laughter, fulfillment, and so much more life to be lived. Time should be spent with people who bring out the best in you. I’m sure many marriages could be fixed and even stronger than ever, but sometimes I think people should split if at all possible. Kids can live a happy life with divorced parents. People can get jobs or get support from the government or friends or family if needed sometimes, if it’s what will truly help them separate from their toxic spouse. I’m hopeful. I want to stay hopeful, but that doesn’t mean I have to save my marriage. Maybe it does, maybe my days could be better spent alone or with positive friends or family or new people.
Anyways, I don’t think it all about gender or sex or whatever, it’s about people’s relationships with other people, and sometimes they just don’t work out. Maybe they can, I don’t know.
I can relate to the comment that says the fella feels like he is 10297 on the priority list for his wife. For me, overall, I am happy with life. I have a great job, my wife and I have 4 wonderful children, and I love my wife like crazy. I work actively at ensuring she feels loved and supported in everything she sets out to do. I often find myself in a state of disappointment because most weeks, at the end of the week, I have gotten maybe 1 hour of her attention. Anytime I bring up my needs or disappointment, she lashes out at me with anger telling me that I hate her and wish I had married someone else. Definitely not the case, but the more she repeats it, at this point I am starting to think that it is maybe better for my own dignity to get away from her. I love her and we have been married for close to 20 years. I guess expecting things to change at this point is probably a lost cause.
I sacrificed everything and everything I wanted to do with my life for my wife. 3 months after meeting all of the last 3 family members of hers died So I stuck around took a job I hated put her through college wrote most of her papers. When we met she was a sex machine. We’ve been together for over 15 years. 14 now it progressed but sexless. She never misses the opportunity to diss me day in terrible deny I ever did anything for her just that I’m a worthless crappy human being. I hate her. I hate my life. All I want is to be gone done. She won’t let it go cause I’ve bought our homes stand to inherit a crap load. Always screams yells has every answer that I’m the issue that I didn’t sacrifice anything she’s superior. My only advise which I my self am now doing find someone else. Leave. Divorce. Hell I can have a woman half her age all she does is eat garbage and get fat anyway. Leave. U know when it’s time. Don’t do what I did chivalry is dead and most women murdered it. Get out be done. Idk join tinder. Living with that thing isn’t worth it.
My wife is starting to irritate me. Is this normal? I don’t think I’m perfect, I can be better at things like communicating more clearly, less expectations etc. but my wife be name calling, make me pay for everything because I make more, I do the cooking and cleaning, and I can never do anything without her, I.e work in the yard or see friends without are complaining I’m never around. I’m just beat. I m starting to feel it’s less of a relationship ship and more of someone who take care of her