You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
6 Min Read
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I never know what I’m going to get when someone comes for counseling. I’ve heard a lot over 20+ years and so I’m not usually shocked. But I was a bit taken back when Sean started out by saying, “I hate my wife and I hate my life.”
Typically, it takes a little while to get people to finally open up and tell me why they’ve really come to counseling. Often, it’s about something big, like “I’m having an affair” or “He drinks too much.”
Sometimes I get, “We’re great, except for this one thing.”
And once in a while it’s something really all-encompassing like, “I hate my wife, I hate my life.”
Where do you go from there? That’s kinda everything.
I told Sean,
Man, you just made me depressed!
I don’t know. I guess.”
Sadly, Sean’s far from alone. When you’re unhappy with your romantic life, it can bleed into every other part of your life, leaving you unhappy with all of our life.
Unhappy is different from hate though. Hate is a really strong word to use.
People can say, “I hate you” in the heat of the moment, but to feel that level of dislike for your partner persistently is a whole other thing.
So, hating your wife and hating your life is pretty overwhelming.
When a husband feels this way about his wife, he typically obsesses on it.
Unfortunately, not being able to let it go only intensifies the thought and feeling.
This can cause:
It creates a horrible negative feedback loop between thoughts about hating her and feelings of hate – one feeding and whipping up the other in increasing intensity.
Our mind often goes to question asking too. Such as:
And examples are generated and replayed over and over again to justify the belief.
Analysis is done of her intentions, motivations, and causes for her behavior – her parents got divorced when she was a kid, her dad cheated on her mom and now she thinks I’m doing that to her, her mother is really controlling, “She’s bat sh-t crazy...”
Comparing your wife to others you know, and your marriage to other marriages is common.
We search for explanations on our side too.
Maybe –
The power of hating your wife and your life can be a trigger for a midlife crisis. Which, unfortunately, only feeds the thoughts and feelings as the unhappiness increases.
Understandably, this is a depressing thought. I don’t know how you can think and feel it and not be depressed. So, hating your wife is also a cause of depression.
Is there anything good that results?
I don’t see it.
Now that doesn’t mean you should change how you feel about her, but it does mean you should change how you handle the feeling and let it control you.
I’m married for 21 years, got 3 beautiful kids, nice home and well off. My wife has never been happy, can never find a nice or positive thing to say. She does not work, she takes my daughter to school, the two boys have cars now. She has called me everything bad and horrible under the sun, tears me to shreds verbally, and has hit me and kicked me for years until one day 4 years back I said if you do that again I will hit back and I did. She never hit me again. She does not have to do house work or anything as we have help in house and garden. She is meant to make me meals and that seldom happens and when it does its disgusting and overcooked. She just leaves dishes and food out after diner and the food spoils by morning. She is meant to keep the home and make it nice, she doesn't. I have this feeling of resentment and disdain for her as she is so f-ing lazy. My older son says he doesn't know how I take it. I love my family and don't want a divorce but fear I am starting to hate my wife because she is so lame, negative and abusive and just never grateful. I’ve stayed because I don't want to break my daughters heart and be away from her.” -Jerry
Many husbands who hate their wives feel stuck, like Jerry. They stay for reasons such as their kids, convenience, lifestyle, or don’t want to lose their retirement savings.
Rather than change anything (there are other changes than just divorce), they suck it up (or stuff it away) and stay.
Which leads to not only hating your wife, but also hating your life.
Hating your life and hating your wife aren’t always linked, but they often are.
It’s possible to hate your wife, but still love your job, kids, or golf.
But hating your life means pretty much everything.
However, it’s often a general, blanket statement that often lacks much specificity.
Why do you hate your life?
A guy I’m counseling said this week –
I don’t wake up happy. I don’t go to bed happy. I wake up stressed. I go to bed stressed.”
Here’s another guy –
I’m in another state working. I’m going from site to site doing the same evaluation over and over again. It’s boring as hell. And while I’m gone my wife is at it again, accusing me of cheating, just like she does every time I leave town. My daughter’s school called yesterday and says they think she’s distributing drugs and needs to be drug tested. My son is out of control and my wife gives back every punishment I give him. I hate her for all of it. I hate my life at home and hate it at work.” -Armando
For a lot of us it’s not that difficult to get to a point where we feel like there’s nothing good in our life.
When you hate your wife and life you really are in a mental prison.
While the reasons for hating are real, the prison is one of our own making.
The truth is we control our feelings – other people or our circumstances do not. Learning how to manage our feelings is a crucial life skill for everyday life, but especially for times like this.
How can you escape the hate prison you’re in?
It’s not just husbands who are negatively impacted either.
I've been married for 32yrs. My marriage is I think over. My husband hates me. We still live together. He's always been verbally abusive. I got tired and left the bedroom for good. I know he's not cheating, except maybe on the weekends where he’s not here all day. Is it possible for a person to love and hate you at the same time?” -Sue
Yes, it’s very possible that your husband both loves and hates you. Most men who hate their wife and their life are confused. Not only about what to do and what they want, but also about how they really feel.
They need help sorting it all out, but sadly most won’t get it.
If you hate your and hate your life, what should you do?
Here are a couple things you can do and questions you can ask to get yourself started:
Most people run away from things they don’t like. And that’s the most common response when men hate their wife and hate their life, but there are a lot of negatives that come with that choice. So, don’t make running away your response.
Do you hate your wife? Hate your life? Please share why so other readers can give you feedback and support.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
Many husbands (and wives) are not "in love" with their partners any longer.
Is your spouse Emotionally Detached from you and your marriage? Check out these 7 Signs of Emotional Detachment and see where your relationship stands.
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My husband was diagnosed with mild cognitive decline. Dementia I do believe. His behavior has a made me hate him. I am under so much pressure I'm going to explode. He doesn't get it.
Hi Kay, I'm sorry. I know how difficult it can be dealing with a loved one with cognitive decline. He likely won't get it, but others can. Despite his not understanding, it's still important to be honest about how you feel even though that can also feel unloving. Thank you for sharing your experience. -Dr. Kurt
Let me reverse this. My husband is selfish, full of himself, feels superior, hates communication of any kind. Pushes me away from sex to the point where I don't want anything to do with it, and puts alcohol first before anything. 7 nights a week, he needs to drink. 7 nights a week we argue because he then wants to communicate, although it is in the form of disagreement. His idea of sex is telling me what night will be best for him. Huh? Yuck. Here is what I think. He is an odd person to begin with. Has no communication or problem solving skills. He pretends he doesn't understand anything at all, forcing me to handle everything. I think he feels so special as a person that he assumes this is my role. I have been a homemaker/servant/mother to him for 35 years. He wants to be a baby until he feels threatened by things I know that he doesn't, and then wants to argue how he is right while explaining things to me he knows nothing about. Yes, he is narcissistic. Because he has a quiet demeaner, people think he is easy going. He is actually the opposite and makes life difficult. Now, add alcohol on top of all of this...Presto. A very unhappy life. I wish I had never met him. I have no way of leaving. No money, nothing. I can only dream.
Thats sucks
You reversed the first part but did you read the second part about what to do and thinking inwardly too?
Ik how u feel I'm going through the same thing we been together 25y have 3 kids and I hate him I been a Stay at home mom and stuck in hell are kids are all grown and I want to leave but can't get myself to walk away bc I'm scared to leave
Exactly why would you stay if he is so horrible?
My wife and I detest each other to a degree and depth I never thought humanly possible (the details are irrelevant), but we love our daughter very much, and this is what keeps us together. We're always able to put our mutual hatred aside, speak in a civil manner, and listen patiently to each other when discussing our daughter. It's an astonishing dichotomy because we're otherwise at each other's throat. And as much as I would like to press a magic button and live alone in peace with my daughter, I know that would be unfair to my wife and ultimately not beneficial for our daughter. I'm certain my wife feels similarly. Sometimes the best path isn't so great for you but works for someone you love.
That is admirable what you and your wife are doing for your daughter. I'd ask the details but they are.... irrelevant.
My wife and I have no kids. She started hating me six months into our marriage. Nine years later it's no better. She had major cancer surgery I hoped would make her a little more introspective. Instead it's the same old crap. She lives to belittle and hate me no matter how much I do. If there is nothing legitimate to hate me about she will fabricate one. Her hating me has caused me to hate her.
I hope you and your wife can find a way to convert your hatred into love. It's probably too late for my wife and me.
John we share some commonalities.
My wife also had a big cancer scare, almost died. I take care of her and while I feel like we're best friends at times, she has spent our entire relationship (7 years) diminishing me and getting in the way of our relationship with her self-destructive behavior. I recently was able to build a business, find some self-worth, and I take care of her and cover all expenses now. After all of that, including a year+ of being sleep deprived due to taking care of her and still being treated like garbage, I found myself incredibly fed up with the situation and though I'm trying to be patient, I've started to hate my wife, which I've never felt before.
J, she doesn't FEEL taken care of. Really. If she's "self-destructive" she's only acting it in. Some act it out. Your business gave you self-worth. You also feel pretty good about having supported her during cancer. Not maybe she felt like you were just idling by waiting for her to die. A self-destructive woman needs DRAMATIC over-the-top love. You feel that you sacrificed sleep and she knows that. She feels like your burden. Let her know she isn't! You are the only man on the planet who can. She needs real convincing. She doesn't want to feel like a trouble. You say she diminishes you. So, be the head. A kind head. Start with not tolerating her self-destruction. "Listen, I love you and I'm not going to let you keep hurting yourself." If she's ever been self destructive in any way, no doubt she also has negative self-talk. You can be the NEW voice in her head as positive wife talk. You have proven you are successful when you work at something, you started a business. Now, WORK with that same devotion on your wife. Not your marriage- specifically your wife. When you build others up, your own value increases. She will respect you like you never got in business. It will be worth more than any money you ever earned in your life! Tell her how scared you were to lose her and how thankful you are every day you still have her. Tell her every day 7 times a day! Write it on a sticky note, put it on a whiteboard. Send it in a text. Tell her while she's dozing off then repeat it when she wakes up.
John, I've noticed something very interesting in my work with women and as a woman, things that happen in our bodies are often reflective of what is happening in our lives. Where was the cancer? Cancer eats away. What might the place where she had cancer symbolize? Ok, even if you don't believe or understand that, here's some insight from a woman, at least: More than anything, a woman craves love. (Men want respect) and a woman will HOPE to get love BY being respectful AT FIRST. When she realizes that the dating phase was as good as it would ever get, then she'll pull back. She can't continue to respect without receiving love. Men might view that at "belittling" when really it is just a removal of respect they hadn't earned. It's clear to me that your wife didn't feel pursued. Every woman wants to feel pursued. Both man and woman want to be wanted. As much as independent strong women want "rights", we also want protection and headship. We want family heads, not family pets. We are good at taking care of others but we want to be taken care of. Really taken care of, not dutifully attended to as a burden. Men tend to think they are doing things FOR their wives but they are the same things that they would do for themselves if single. Trash, laundry, shopping, car upkeep, etc. Or their mother would do it for them. So, a wife becomes the mom of the husband which makes her really really resentful. It's difficult to be good at a role you don't want! Back to the cancer. Fear. Inadequacy. You can bet she WAS introspective - long before the surgery. And she has some regrets, related to you. Ask her what the life she wanted looks like. What did she envision as a 10 yr old? She probably wanted to be pursued by a man who would protect her and be in awe of her. And every single woman on the planet wants to feel and be told they are beautiful. Not pretty. Not sexy. Not hot. Beautiful. Use the word for her, reserve it for her (at least at first) by bit referring to anything but her as beautiful. And use it often. Eventually, she will be your real friend and tell you what happened before those 6 months caused the marriage to turn sour. It's not too late.
Cancer symbolizing where the problem is? Are you kidding? She just sounds ungrateful. Women and men do not understand each other’s brains period. If it’s not mental illness causing the anguish, then there’s a real problem. Couples therapy? Life is too short to waste on someone who’s going to treat you like you’re a piece of rubbish. I’m slowly learning this in my own experience. Hate her when I wake up, hate her before I go to bed. Hate my life and feel like everything is spiraling out of control so badly that I’m now in a deep depression, trying to claw my way out. Most days I think I’d be better off never waking up again. She’s always telling me she wants to move back to her home state, isn’t happy here, isn’t happy with me, doesn’t want to be with me, yet stays because she doesn’t help pay rent or work or do much of anything so it’s all on me, yet throws constant pity parties about poor poor me… if you’re unhappy, leave. Go home. I don’t want to suffer anymore with this. I’d rather be alone at this point.
If you guys are still together after 9 years then she must still love you since there are no children to force her to stay. Seems like a bit of marriage counseling might be all that ya'll need.
My life values are:
1. Do the Right Thing
2. My marriage
3. My kids
4. The rest of my family
It feels like my wife's values are
1. Her mom and sisters and their dysfunctional unemployed kids
2. Herself
47. Do the Right Thing
5,643. Our marriage
10,927. Me
I get it that I got myself into this by letting her construct our life around her family, but now I wake up stressed, I go to bed stressed, and I don't see any way out. It feels like she's having an emotional affair with her family. Her family take and take and take and take, and it got so bad that her brother-in-law shot himself in the head 6 weeks ago. Instead of waking them up, they turned the taking that they had been doing to him and turned it on us. I don't know what my wife is trying to compensate for, but it's literally killing me. I've started to stutter, I have pauses so long that other people pick up what I'm saying for me out of pity, and even though I'm 45 years old with 26 years of service and am only 180 pounds, my blood pressure is 145/105. Every time I try to work on it, her input boils down to "I'm doing nothing wrong; you promised we could come back to Oklahoma; the problem is all with you, not with me." I work all day long with a toxic boss who already drove 3 people to quit, and I've gotten to the point I can't tell when my stress is from my job, my boss, my wife, her family, and/or my chronic pain I incurred from Tricare denying me treatment for over 10 years. I'm so terrified that I'll end up like her brother-in-law!
Nathan, Sorry to hear about your situation. You really need to get some counseling help to learn some better ways to manage and cope with the toxic people in your life. You may not be able to change them, even your wife, but you can change how they affect you. -Dr. Kurt
My wife and have been together 9 years. She lost custody of her son approximately. 18 months in to our relationship. We tried IVF for our own child but her eggs were no good. She has mental and physical health issues. She had a nervous breakdown about 4 months ago and I had to call the cops due to two suicide threats. She constantly criticises and shouts at me even though I treat her like a princess. Intimacy has been a problem and we wouldn’t have had sex more than 5 times in the last three years despite me raising the issue multiple times. She shows me no love and treats me poorly. My stepson came back to live with us just over 4 years ago and I hoped things would improve but they didn’t. My stepson and I share a close bond and I have had to shield him from his mother’s actions of no love for her family. I want to leave but can’t for my stepson and pets. I keep making excuses for my wife’s actions but I have now run out of patience. What should I do?
A, Get some help so you can learn strategies to use to insulate your stepson and yourself from her behavior. The additional benefit is these tools can also have an influence on your wife. -Dr. Kurt
Your wife wants to be your #1 value. You say you rank at almost #11000 on her list but she isn't on yours at all. Really value the specific person. She values herself because you don't. Of the things you listed, ONLY one of them is a contract and a vow (marriage) yet you still place it below "do the right thing". The right thing to do is: love your wife UNCONDITIONALLY, honor her as you vowed to do. She left a family where she did feel safe and protected to some extent (regardless of your view of them) but clearly went back because she didn't feel valued or protected. Your wife isn't toxic. She's simply "managing" the toxic person in her life by keeping distance from him. She wants to be valued, to feel more important than your job or your personal gossip to be viewed as someone who is doing right. And you are the only person on earth who has that right and responsibility to value her so highly. You can't carry it out by smearing her first safety network of people who love her and protect her. That only makes it worse. What you can/should do is one-up them. Take intentional time off work for no reason other than to show honor to your wife. "I just thought we could have a day together." Try it 7 times.(she might not appreciate your first few attempts, but you could also use the time of work!) She isn't responsible for earning love. You are responsible for earning respect, though, and she absolutely will give it 200% if you love her. Don't say a negative word about her family, even if she brings it up. Compliment her the way her friends/family do. Hair, outfit, her patience, her tenacity. "You go girl!" This isn't football, it's Jenga. You can't aggress, you must finesse. You'll find out what she's compensating for (hint: she blames you, she feels like there's no point in being married and honestly a woman can live on love, esp an Oklahoma girl, so it's not $)
I say this to you because I wish someone besides me would say it to my husband. But honestly men counseling men keeps women trapped in loveless marriages where they are hated. Women want love. Lots and lots of it. BIG love. (Be embarrassing, ask her to marry you in the Walmart checkout line or at dinner. Or both! People will cheer. They don't need to know you already married.)Talk is inexpensive. Free, even. You could use a walk&talk with her every day. It would help that bp, too. Let her know that's what helps you endure work~but don't ever accuse her of being the reason you have to work for a toxic boss. You'd work single. (Anything you'd do single is not FOR your wife.) Make her #1 and you won't feel like #2 💩
Sounds like you’re a selfish woman who can’t appreciate a man who’s taking care of you and your family.
“But honestly men counseling men keeps women trapped in loveless marriages where they are hated.”
“But honestly men counseling men keeps women trapped in loveless marriages where they are hated.”
I am sorry…what??? Are you trolling or serious? These two comments literally encapsulate the problem with marriage and with women today. So…men have to fork over “love” to women as a duty to ensure a healthy marriage, but women don’t have to “respect” their man, because he has to earn that. So men have to toil for a wife’s duty but wives get to just sit back as it’s HIS duty to EARN that from his wife…what kind of warped power trip are you ladies on these days? No wonder women initiate 7/10 divorces. Good riddance.
You are what’s wrong with modern American women… you soulless and cold.