5 Min Read
Contents
Part 2 of 3
It’s no secret that depression is a difficult and sometimes dangerous condition. It takes a toll on the individual suffering and their relationships. If you’re married and think your husband is depressed it can even put your marriage in jeopardy.
In the first article, How to Save My Marriage - When My Husband Doesn't Love Me Anymore, I introduced you to a couple, Carrie and Al, who are dealing with several issues threatening their relationship.
Let's continue looking at Carrie's description of her marriage. With the problems they’re facing she's now wondering, "Is my husband is depressed?"
Carrie's husband is unpredictable. His,
all seem odd and hard to gauge.
Carrie says she walks around on eggshells because of it.
But could this really be a sign her husband is depressed?
The list of symptoms for depression can vary, but for men
are primary on the list.
So, the idea that Carrie’s husband could be depressed isn’t a reach.
As we talked she said that to try to keep the peace, she often has to tell their 6- and 10-year-old kids to,
Let Daddy have a pleasant evening."
Despite her peace keeping efforts, she says his anger is becoming more regular.
At Christmas dinner, in front of the whole family, he screamed across the room at her,
If you want to stay married to me you'll never do that again!"
She cried in her hands as she recited to me in counseling the numerous ways he degrades her and hurts her with his words.
At other times, Al tells her he doesn't deserve her and says he knows his anger will lead to the end of their marriage.
She often wonders if he's given up, if he's having an affair, or what his Facebook page may contain.
She tried to kiss him last week and he turned away saying,
Don't pressure me."
he told her.
I hate my life. I hate myself."
After telling me this, she said to me,
I think my husband is depressed. What do you think?"
Carrie’s right to be concerned about depression in Al. She’s also taken a positive step by seeking help.
The depression in her husband isn’t something she can effectively deal with on her own, and he’s not in a position to recognize what’s going on and deal with it himself.
Carrie and I talked more about what depression can look like in men. I told her in men it often looks just like stress.
Some of the most common depression symptoms in men are,
These can look like his being grumpy, or her feeling like she's on an emotional roller coaster, much like the eggshells Carrie says she walks around on.
For some men depression may also manifest in a lack of ambition or energy.
He may be indifferent to everything, and simply allow his wife to make all the decisions. Or he might withdraw completely from all social or family interaction.
Based on everything Carrie’s told me, it wouldn't be surprising if her husband Al truly is depressed.
A lot of men are depressed and don’t realize it. With men in particular it can be hard to tell since the symptoms can vary quite a bit and be somewhat vague.
In fact, most men, when they get depressed, still function quite well in many areas of their lives, particularly professionally. This means the external symptoms can be misleading.
The signs are most often evident in their interpersonal interactions, particularly with loved ones.
One of the challenges with this is that the symptoms can come on gradually. By the time they’re evident to those around him they may just seem like a regular part of his normal behavior. It can be weeks or months before the people he’s closest to stop and realize there's something wrong.
Another problem with depression in men is that they (men) are very good at explaining away their behavior.
They often don’t even recognize themselves that their behavior has changed. It isn’t uncommon to hear a man suffering with depression to put his actions off on things like,
And there likely is some connection between his behavior and these things.
But with depression the response is often disproportionate to the problem and sometimes extreme in nature (remember Al’s “I hate my life and myself” comment?).
Carrie is clearly unhappy and struggling. Her marriage has become a source of significant of stress and difficulty.
As Carrie and I talked she kept crying. She just couldn't forget the feeling that "He doesn't love me" and kept questioning how that could be connected to his mood.
"How can I save my marriage?" she asked.
I suggested to her that he may still love her despite what his actions show. However, that love has been covered over and she just can't see it right now.
can all mask his love for her and make it difficult for him to show or even recognize it.
The good news is that with help those things can change and it's possible she could see him begin to love her again.
Everything Carrie’s described above are signs that Al very well could be depressed. But it's also likely that's not the only thing going on with him.
Clearly he has an anger management problem, possibly brought on by depression, and his behavior towards Carrie has become abusive.
But I wonder if those are only occurring because he's depressed or if they're signs of other problems?
For example, for many men depression goes hand-in-hand with a midlife crisis.
Carrie is far from the only wife asking, "Is my husband depressed?" Depression in men is more common than people realize and often goes undiscussed.
For some wives, however, all they have to deal with is a husband who's depressed.
For others like Carrie, she likely has a depressed husband, but she's also got an abusive husband and a man with a serious anger management problem.
If you can relate to Carrie and feel like your husband is suffering from depression, keep the following in mind:
Carrie and Al are actively seeking help and support. If you think your husband is depressed too, and you’re trying to save your marriage, follow Carrie’s example and get help.
In what ways can you relate to Carrie? Does your husband look something like hers?
This is the second post of three examining a marriage in which a wife feels her husband doesn't love her anymore and she seeks the expertise of a marriage counselor for help in finding out what she can do. You can read the first post, How to Save My Marriage - When My Husband Doesn't Love Me Anymore here. In the third and final post, I Can't Get My Husband To Change, we take a look at some things Carrie can do to change her husband and save her marriage.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published February 23, 2010, updated on August 30, 2014 and October 9, 2018, and has been updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
One of the most joyous and emotional moments in any person’s life is the birth of their child.
The weeks following that birth are transformative and no less emotional. The Instagram version of those weeks is all sweetness, snuggles, and love. But for many women those weeks look vastly different
Does Your Husband Seem Angry And Depressed? Learn more about the connection between Anger And Depression In Men and how you can help your husband.
Is Your Wife Depressed? If you’ve been thinking, My Wife Is Depressed, and don’t know what to do, read how to help her and take care of yourself too.
© 2025 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
Thanks for nice blogging. It is very informative post, We are Same in this business.Do you need help with DEPRESSION , ANXIETY and STRESS,If you’re struggling in silence, there is help available.
Hi,
im here its been a while since i wrote anything however things have been very difficult these last few months. My husband has come home and he stayes hes tryong to do right however my mind wont let me forget the pain the hurt and i cant stop obsessing if hes going to up and go again. He has always been emotionally withdrawn i just dont understand him at all. Good thing is hes home i just have to try and find a way to keep my anxiety and stress under control i dont want to push him away again..
This article has been helpful. My husband of 3 years recently said he wanted a divorce. It came out of the blue for me. The first time he said it, he said it was because he felt the house was not in order. I clean every weekend so I wasn't sure what he meant. I asked him for specifics and all he could say is "you know what I mean, I have been telling you this for years". I decided to amp it up a bit and clean baseboards each week. Organize the pantry each week, etc. A couple of months later he said he still wanted to divorce but for another reason this time. He said I wasn't contributing enough money to the household. I have always worked but switched jobs a couple of years ago and was making less than I was when got married. I thought it was ok because bills were paid and we were not having financial problems. I choose to start looking for a better job and found a one making a substantial amount more than I was at the first job. He still said he couldn't get over it. I asked him to go to counseling, he agreed and we went for three sessions. I felt it was going great because I learned more about how he felt about things ( he wouldn't talk to me about them). He decided on the 3rd session that the counselor asked too many questions and he refused to go back. I feel my husband is suffering from depression. He recently retired from the military and is now a full time student (online classes). He doesn't get out of the house often and he lost the structure of military life. He gained a large amount of weight, in constant pain, shows no emotion or joy and just feels I am the cause of all his problems. I recently started the the dialogue of discussing depression and asking if will go talk to a doctor about it. He said he will think about it, but has not given me an answer. In the meantime he has went to visit his family in another state so that "he can think about what we need to do about our marriage". It is a tough position to be when you love someone so much. I am at a lost as what I should do while he decided if wants to stay married and also if he wants help.
Dawn, I'm glad you found the article helpful. The adjustment to civilian life from military life can be a tough one. It may be helpful for him to see a counselor individually before going as a couple. Remember, that you have a voice in the relationship as well, and you also have to decide what it is that you, too. -Kurt
Thank you, Kurt. I totally agree...it has taken me a few weeks to come to term with that, but you are so right. My husband has been gone over a month now, with the exception of coming home for a few hours to talk. He was very emotional and apologized for hurting me but said he needed more time. I have chose to give him that and work on myself in the mean time. It is still a sad situation because he has not spoken to anyone, but I can rest at night knowing I have given my all. I don't know what our future holds, but I plan to continuing making myself the best person I can be..even if I don't have the title of wife anymore.
Brian, all marriages go through trials that aren't easy. This time is the test of your love. Love isn't just a feeling. Some say its not a feeling at all. Get to a good marriage friendly counselor. Hang in there. Pray for your wife if you are faithful. Miracles do happen.
I think my husband has bipolar depression. It has always been hard for him to communicate his feelings to me but after he went Overseas and came back, he had had a lot of anger issues and his mood would just change. I would never know what day he was having and felt like I was basically walking in eggshells. We recently got into a fight and he would usually shut down and not speak to me and we would not speak for days. Now it's getting worst. Every time we have one of the fights where I'm crying and ask him if he wants to leave, he always makes these impulsive decisions the next day. He would plan on moving to a different state, tell me he wants to see how life would be alone and now this time he wants to get back into the military cause he knows that if he does this he can't turn back. He tells me he runs away from his problems and he wants to go so he can leave everything behind and not think about it. I honestly think he's having an episode right now. He has a good paying job right now, a house and everything he's ever wanted. But he still feels unhappy and hates his life. But when he comes back to me he tells me he doesn't know why ever told me that he was ever unhappy. But this has lingered in the back of my head every time we fight and he thinks it's unhealthy for our relationship. So he is ending it. We have not spoke for 2 weeks. We still live in the same house and I don't know if he ha really signed papers to enlist again. Although I do see paperworks lying around the house...I really want to help him but I don't know how to approach him without driving him further away. I love him so much and I don't want this one fight of miscommunication to end or marriage. There's no way of me communicating with him right now since he has shut me out and seems like he is avoiding me. I have texted him here and there to remind him I'm still here and that I love him, but no reply.
I think my husband is depressed. He gets into moods where I walk on eggshells and try to stay pleasant, try to keep the baby quiet, even though he is a difficult baby. My husband insults me a lot in public mainly with back-handed insults that embarrass me. Lately he wants to sleep downstairs at night and comes up an hour or two before wake-up time. When we fight, he always brings up that maybe we shouldn't be married anymore. I know he hates his job and wants to leave it. I have a history of depression, but I'm trying to stay strong for our beautiful son. He is the light of my world, and I will willingly suffer a terrible marriage if it makes his life stable and happy. I just wish I wasn't so lonely.