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Contents
Part 2 of 3
It’s no secret that depression is a difficult and sometimes dangerous condition. It takes a toll on the individual suffering and their relationships. If you’re married and think your husband is depressed it can even put your marriage in jeopardy.
In the first article, How to Save My Marriage - When My Husband Doesn't Love Me Anymore, I introduced you to a couple, Carrie and Al, who are dealing with several issues threatening their relationship.
Let's continue looking at Carrie's description of her marriage. With the problems they’re facing she's now wondering, "Is my husband is depressed?"
Carrie's husband is unpredictable. His,
all seem odd and hard to gauge.
Carrie says she walks around on eggshells because of it.
But could this really be a sign her husband is depressed?
The list of symptoms for depression can vary, but for men
are primary on the list.
So, the idea that Carrie’s husband could be depressed isn’t a reach.
As we talked she said that to try to keep the peace, she often has to tell their 6- and 10-year-old kids to,
Let Daddy have a pleasant evening."
Despite her peace keeping efforts, she says his anger is becoming more regular.
At Christmas dinner, in front of the whole family, he screamed across the room at her,
If you want to stay married to me you'll never do that again!"
She cried in her hands as she recited to me in counseling the numerous ways he degrades her and hurts her with his words.
At other times, Al tells her he doesn't deserve her and says he knows his anger will lead to the end of their marriage.
She often wonders if he's given up, if he's having an affair, or what his Facebook page may contain.
She tried to kiss him last week and he turned away saying,
Don't pressure me."
he told her.
I hate my life. I hate myself."
After telling me this, she said to me,
I think my husband is depressed. What do you think?"
Carrie’s right to be concerned about depression in Al. She’s also taken a positive step by seeking help.
The depression in her husband isn’t something she can effectively deal with on her own, and he’s not in a position to recognize what’s going on and deal with it himself.
Carrie and I talked more about what depression can look like in men. I told her in men it often looks just like stress.
Some of the most common depression symptoms in men are,
These can look like his being grumpy, or her feeling like she's on an emotional roller coaster, much like the eggshells Carrie says she walks around on.
For some men depression may also manifest in a lack of ambition or energy.
He may be indifferent to everything, and simply allow his wife to make all the decisions. Or he might withdraw completely from all social or family interaction.
Based on everything Carrie’s told me, it wouldn't be surprising if her husband Al truly is depressed.
A lot of men are depressed and don’t realize it. With men in particular it can be hard to tell since the symptoms can vary quite a bit and be somewhat vague.
In fact, most men, when they get depressed, still function quite well in many areas of their lives, particularly professionally. This means the external symptoms can be misleading.
The signs are most often evident in their interpersonal interactions, particularly with loved ones.
One of the challenges with this is that the symptoms can come on gradually. By the time they’re evident to those around him they may just seem like a regular part of his normal behavior. It can be weeks or months before the people he’s closest to stop and realize there's something wrong.
Another problem with depression in men is that they (men) are very good at explaining away their behavior.
They often don’t even recognize themselves that their behavior has changed. It isn’t uncommon to hear a man suffering with depression to put his actions off on things like,
And there likely is some connection between his behavior and these things.
But with depression the response is often disproportionate to the problem and sometimes extreme in nature (remember Al’s “I hate my life and myself” comment?).
Carrie is clearly unhappy and struggling. Her marriage has become a source of significant of stress and difficulty.
As Carrie and I talked she kept crying. She just couldn't forget the feeling that "He doesn't love me" and kept questioning how that could be connected to his mood.
"How can I save my marriage?" she asked.
I suggested to her that he may still love her despite what his actions show. However, that love has been covered over and she just can't see it right now.
can all mask his love for her and make it difficult for him to show or even recognize it.
The good news is that with help those things can change and it's possible she could see him begin to love her again.
Everything Carrie’s described above are signs that Al very well could be depressed. But it's also likely that's not the only thing going on with him.
Clearly he has an anger management problem, possibly brought on by depression, and his behavior towards Carrie has become abusive.
But I wonder if those are only occurring because he's depressed or if they're signs of other problems?
For example, for many men depression goes hand-in-hand with a midlife crisis.
Carrie is far from the only wife asking, "Is my husband depressed?" Depression in men is more common than people realize and often goes undiscussed.
For some wives, however, all they have to deal with is a husband who's depressed.
For others like Carrie, she likely has a depressed husband, but she's also got an abusive husband and a man with a serious anger management problem.
If you can relate to Carrie and feel like your husband is suffering from depression, keep the following in mind:
Carrie and Al are actively seeking help and support. If you think your husband is depressed too, and you’re trying to save your marriage, follow Carrie’s example and get help.
In what ways can you relate to Carrie? Does your husband look something like hers?
This is the second post of three examining a marriage in which a wife feels her husband doesn't love her anymore and she seeks the expertise of a marriage counselor for help in finding out what she can do. You can read the first post, How to Save My Marriage - When My Husband Doesn't Love Me Anymore here. In the third and final post, I Can't Get My Husband To Change, we take a look at some things Carrie can do to change her husband and save her marriage.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published February 23, 2010, updated on August 30, 2014 and October 9, 2018, and has been updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Does Your Husband Seem Angry And Depressed? Learn more about the connection between Anger And Depression In Men and how you can help your husband.
Is Your Wife Depressed? If you’ve been thinking, My Wife Is Depressed, and don’t know what to do, read how to help her and take care of yourself too.
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My husband had what I thought was a midlife crisis two years ago, this has gradually become worse and now I think he has depression. He is a totally different person to the one I knew. He has lost interest in his work, home. He has VERY bad outbursts of anger, which have now become directed to me. We saw a doctor last February, I went with him with my list of all the odd behaviour. She thought he had bipolar and printed off some information sheets. He returned on his own three weeks later, and apparently the doctor had changed her mind, there was nothing wrong with him, but I had personality disorder and was an alcoholic! This didn't solve my problem. Things have got far worse, he is so nasty and says hateful things, which he later apologises for. He is now going to a counselling group, but has only just started. I am at the end of my tether, and the only route out I could see was to leave, as I don't want to be verbally abused and live a life of misery.
WOW! Searching for what could possibly be going on with my husband...and THIS. I suspected MAYBE depression, but the "typical symptoms" didn't fit very well. This post does, maybe because male specific? MY husband & I just celebrated our 10 yr anniversary, and we have 2 beautiful little girls. We both have decent jobs with pretty good salaries, we are not burdened with excessive debt. My husband has grown cold, bitter, angry. I never know what mood he will be in at any given time. Let me say, he does not have emotional OUTBURSTS, his anger is silent, cold, cutting eyes and if looks could kill. He ignores us one minute and the next will just constantly be nagging, getting on the kids for what they have or haven't done (not like "normal"), he seems happy during the work day, but comes home "down" or ill. That's my word for him..he is ALWAYS ill about something. I quit asking if something was bothering him because he would get mad, say NO, but if you ask me again it will be, or something like that. He always seems to be "bothered" by something. I can't even ask him if he is worried or stressed about something anymore. He has also admitted (during an argument) that he is having anxiety, though he didn't use that word. He said stresses ALL DAY OVER stuff, like if he turned the coffee pot off. This makes no sense, I get up after him & I turn it off & it has a 2 hour auto shut off anyway. Why would you stress all day about it? he said he doesn't know, he does. Stuff like if her remembered to take the trash out, lock the garage, etc. He very rarely seems to have any joy anymore, and if he does it is when he has had too much to drink (beer, not a liquor drinker). He does not become angry or violent; he becomes like he used to be...sort of. We honestly can be in the same room or car togethr for 3 hours and not say a single word. It is destroying me. I am very outgoing, I like to talk and I like company. Even if he does talk to me it sounds full of anger or annoyance, so I just don't. Sometimes I sit and tears roll down my eyes as I look out the window because I try to talk to him and he is just so cold or short. It is killing me and I am to the point that I now feel like he just doesn't love me or doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I pretty much feel like he is simply "there" and that is all he will ever be. He used to laugh, he used to have such passion and life in his eyes, now they are cold and feel as though he shoots daggers through me. I know it has gotten worse since his father died unexpectedly 3 years ago. I just don't know how much longer I can do it. I honestly feel like he sucks the joy out of me, completely and within minutes of coming home. I can be in the best mood, and as soon as I am in his presence I immediately begin the routine...He seems ill. I wonder if it is me? Wonder why he is mad? is he mad or stressing? If he is stressing, why? Who is he mad st? Should I ask him? No, maybe I should I ignore him. If I ignore him & he IS mad at me it will be worse, maybe I should ask him. No, I shouldn't because he will get mad then. ...It never goes away. And I do what another person posted now, and it breaks my heart. I encourage my children to "play quietly, daddy is trying to watch TV" or play in your room, daddy is resting"..OH YES, he falls asleep within minutes of sitting down every day. Literally, sits in the recliner and within 45 seconds is snoring. No matter what time of day it is. 9 AM on Saturday, 7 PM on Tuesday, anytime anyday, if he sits, he sleeps. It is so frustrating. I try to get him involved, he doesn't want to be involved.
"If he sits, he sleeps" This is indicative of sleep apnea. My dad has it and snored literally anytime he sat for 5 minutes or more. It was terrible! He would never do anything about it so I called his doctor, they set up a sleep study, and sure enough he was stopping his brathing like 50 or 60 times per hour! He had become the most miserable grump during the day, apparently because he was exhausted. It was also causing his heart to become enlarged. I bought him breathe right strips until his fitted mask came in. Inliterally had to prep the thing and hand it to him beacuase he brushed it off. I told him that I couldn't deal with his tired, grumpy self during the day any more, period! Fast forward about 3 years, he wears his cpap mask 98% of the time. He's not exhausted any more. And if he sleeps when he sits, I start asking if he wore his mask last night and remind him of the tired, grumpy man he'd become. His mood has improved 90%. Sleep apnea is no joke folks and day tim3 symptoms can certainly mimic depression! Best of luck to you!
Love in long term relationships...is like the floor foundation of a rectangular dainty bedroom closet. At first you place all your items in it hung up, shoes neat in place down below, clothes are organized and when a persons life becomes hectic sadly you rush around late to appointments, daily routines, then toss some kids into the mix and before you know it...That closet is destroyed, clothes dangling off their previously neat hangers, dropped covering ALL over the floor below, shoes a wreck and cluttered messy situation which on Sunday's you just want to relax quietly before 'making' the time, unless you must to re-organize that closet you once cherished dearly being neat, prim and proper with care shown before company visiting, or any friends swinging by to see it.. Those clothes represent our lives and sadly those burdens, problems weighing heavily upon that floor (Love)... Just take, I apologize...Make the time to continue caring for all areas of your hidden room and before you know it, after cleaning up that destroyed messy closet floor with soon begin to see the floor again... continue managing the time to keep it nice looking, which after some time becomes easier, than piling up again making your jobs much harder thereafter... I know, as my closet door has been shut tightly dark enclosed what once once previously respected highly, appreciated greatly, yet today cause of my Husband's bitter blaming depression unhappiness transferred onto me and our four children... I do know deep buried beneath those fallen clothing items is a clean floor, although easier cleaning it all up with being a Team....Isn't solely a one person job to do either.. Best results are accomplished together, so offer that opportunity first and honestly some are very stubborn avoiding with resentful passive aggressive causing extreme delays waiting periods, as they assume they weren't the ones who contributed to those messes all over....Those messes are still in that one closet, so both partake.
Some will wait for the other to be expected in cleaning up, which isn't nice, although don't enable...
Complete together if can..Then, at times you just have to clean up after your own side of the mess instead first and then the other person joins is.. they become upset, anger, irrational accepting, well... so be it, yet continue doing your side first...
Let's hope they help, right?! Would make life easier, yet starting with your own section in that closet may create a followed chain reaction when that other person views his, or her side is the crapola really messy area, then do begin to pick up the messy pieces following your lead when you're happier and accomplished relieved feeling had cleaned your side up. All in steps and at times some will blame, deny and become nasty irrational when confused why they are unhappy, or unstable causing actions for selfish reasons..Hormones for both male and female also contribute to negative situations, after age 38 also) At times a person childhood taught/experienced upbringing (Family) can cause irate/unkind/traumatic patterns of continued unfortunate conflicts into your adult relationship, as well... and denying sadly makes it worse, self medicating/drinking to avoid, or working late aka avoidance pressures bottle up in resentful behaviors when should resolve within to show outward...respectively. I have my work cut out for me, too. Blessing's everyone and please do hang in there... step back and deep breath in..
Some moments which we become drained, tired and feel emotionally 'done' are the moments when we get back up and begin to crawl, then stand again stronger, taller and honestly become more confident that we succeed when in doubt.. for those enduring. Some won't ever appreciate and some choose to feel self entitlement, yet breaks actually are powerful releases for you both to think, live and manage reality away from negative conflicts and one another's built up issues, so helps...been there prior.
What comes after the brisk mundane darkness of night is the warm morning Light to shine vividly upon the horizon.
I know my husband is struggling with Depression, but he tells me that he'll handle it himself and it isn't my concern. I feel so helpless. I'm such a fixer personality, it has been hard to tell myself that I cannot fix this, and that he needs help.
In reply to Froggy. My husband has decided to end our marriage...we have two beautiful children and have been together for 20yrs. I do know that over the last 6months my husband has changed blank expression, very quiet and says he has a huge amount of anger. We could also sit in a room and not talk for hours. Nobody can believe we have split up because we have always been so in love and got on so well. He works 98hrs a week and has his own business we have the usual debts but he just cant cope with it all? he tells me he loves me with every breath in his body but just cant be with me. He will not go to doctors and I feel am just waiting for him to get better. x