5 Min Read
Contents
Part 2 of 3
It’s no secret that depression is a difficult and sometimes dangerous condition. It takes a toll on the individual suffering and their relationships. If you’re married and think your husband is depressed it can even put your marriage in jeopardy.
In the first article, How to Save My Marriage - When My Husband Doesn't Love Me Anymore, I introduced you to a couple, Carrie and Al, who are dealing with several issues threatening their relationship.
Let's continue looking at Carrie's description of her marriage. With the problems they’re facing she's now wondering, "Is my husband is depressed?"
Carrie's husband is unpredictable. His,
all seem odd and hard to gauge.
Carrie says she walks around on eggshells because of it.
But could this really be a sign her husband is depressed?
The list of symptoms for depression can vary, but for men
are primary on the list.
So, the idea that Carrie’s husband could be depressed isn’t a reach.
As we talked she said that to try to keep the peace, she often has to tell their 6- and 10-year-old kids to,
Let Daddy have a pleasant evening."
Despite her peace keeping efforts, she says his anger is becoming more regular.
At Christmas dinner, in front of the whole family, he screamed across the room at her,
If you want to stay married to me you'll never do that again!"
She cried in her hands as she recited to me in counseling the numerous ways he degrades her and hurts her with his words.
At other times, Al tells her he doesn't deserve her and says he knows his anger will lead to the end of their marriage.
She often wonders if he's given up, if he's having an affair, or what his Facebook page may contain.
She tried to kiss him last week and he turned away saying,
Don't pressure me."
he told her.
I hate my life. I hate myself."
After telling me this, she said to me,
I think my husband is depressed. What do you think?"
Carrie’s right to be concerned about depression in Al. She’s also taken a positive step by seeking help.
The depression in her husband isn’t something she can effectively deal with on her own, and he’s not in a position to recognize what’s going on and deal with it himself.
Carrie and I talked more about what depression can look like in men. I told her in men it often looks just like stress.
Some of the most common depression symptoms in men are,
These can look like his being grumpy, or her feeling like she's on an emotional roller coaster, much like the eggshells Carrie says she walks around on.
For some men depression may also manifest in a lack of ambition or energy.
He may be indifferent to everything, and simply allow his wife to make all the decisions. Or he might withdraw completely from all social or family interaction.
Based on everything Carrie’s told me, it wouldn't be surprising if her husband Al truly is depressed.
A lot of men are depressed and don’t realize it. With men in particular it can be hard to tell since the symptoms can vary quite a bit and be somewhat vague.
In fact, most men, when they get depressed, still function quite well in many areas of their lives, particularly professionally. This means the external symptoms can be misleading.
The signs are most often evident in their interpersonal interactions, particularly with loved ones.
One of the challenges with this is that the symptoms can come on gradually. By the time they’re evident to those around him they may just seem like a regular part of his normal behavior. It can be weeks or months before the people he’s closest to stop and realize there's something wrong.
Another problem with depression in men is that they (men) are very good at explaining away their behavior.
They often don’t even recognize themselves that their behavior has changed. It isn’t uncommon to hear a man suffering with depression to put his actions off on things like,
And there likely is some connection between his behavior and these things.
But with depression the response is often disproportionate to the problem and sometimes extreme in nature (remember Al’s “I hate my life and myself” comment?).
Carrie is clearly unhappy and struggling. Her marriage has become a source of significant of stress and difficulty.
As Carrie and I talked she kept crying. She just couldn't forget the feeling that "He doesn't love me" and kept questioning how that could be connected to his mood.
"How can I save my marriage?" she asked.
I suggested to her that he may still love her despite what his actions show. However, that love has been covered over and she just can't see it right now.
can all mask his love for her and make it difficult for him to show or even recognize it.
The good news is that with help those things can change and it's possible she could see him begin to love her again.
Everything Carrie’s described above are signs that Al very well could be depressed. But it's also likely that's not the only thing going on with him.
Clearly he has an anger management problem, possibly brought on by depression, and his behavior towards Carrie has become abusive.
But I wonder if those are only occurring because he's depressed or if they're signs of other problems?
For example, for many men depression goes hand-in-hand with a midlife crisis.
Carrie is far from the only wife asking, "Is my husband depressed?" Depression in men is more common than people realize and often goes undiscussed.
For some wives, however, all they have to deal with is a husband who's depressed.
For others like Carrie, she likely has a depressed husband, but she's also got an abusive husband and a man with a serious anger management problem.
If you can relate to Carrie and feel like your husband is suffering from depression, keep the following in mind:
Carrie and Al are actively seeking help and support. If you think your husband is depressed too, and you’re trying to save your marriage, follow Carrie’s example and get help.
In what ways can you relate to Carrie? Does your husband look something like hers?
This is the second post of three examining a marriage in which a wife feels her husband doesn't love her anymore and she seeks the expertise of a marriage counselor for help in finding out what she can do. You can read the first post, How to Save My Marriage - When My Husband Doesn't Love Me Anymore here. In the third and final post, I Can't Get My Husband To Change, we take a look at some things Carrie can do to change her husband and save her marriage.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published February 23, 2010, updated on August 30, 2014 and October 9, 2018, and has been updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
One of the most joyous and emotional moments in any person’s life is the birth of their child.
The weeks following that birth are transformative and no less emotional. The Instagram version of those weeks is all sweetness, snuggles, and love. But for many women those weeks look vastly different
Does Your Husband Seem Angry And Depressed? Learn more about the connection between Anger And Depression In Men and how you can help your husband.
Is Your Wife Depressed? If you’ve been thinking, My Wife Is Depressed, and don’t know what to do, read how to help her and take care of yourself too.
© 2025 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
I suffer from depression, anxiety, social anxiety, and ptsd. This article describes to the T why my wife just left me. I have been in counseling for over 4 years.
I thought I had it under control but apparently what I saw was an illusion. What you wrote in this article was darn near word for word what she said to me.
I want every man here to heed my words. Get help, get focused and you can beat this. You can save your marriage.
I am trying everyday to win my wife back. A lot of damage was done because of my illnesses, because I stopped working on myself outside of counseling. Don't make my mistake don't let the love of your life get driven away.
Joe, Thanks for sharing your experience and advice. It's good to hear that you recognize what you did wrong. We can never stop improving ourselves. -Kurt
Where to start...? My husband and I have been married 8 years this Saturday, and have been together for 12. He hurt his back very badly about 7 years ago, but it has progressively gotten worse -- to the point that he basically lies in bed most days all day. He is on disability and unable to work or participate in really much of anything. Topping it off, 2 years ago his best and only friend died suddenly at work. A year after that, our dog (my husband's baby) also died. This past April our second dog (that was also like our baby) passed away. To say my husband is depressed would be a huge understatement. I am back in school at the age of 49, and in my last semester. However, due to money issues, we recently had to move from our home and are now in a small one bedroom duplex. We have no children, and now no dogs. What worries me is that he has began to throw out everything he used to love -- games, cards he collected, etc. and it is obvious that he doesn't love me the way he used to. I can't do anything right these days, as far as he is concerned, and I do mean nothing. It is obvious that he is depressed, but I am all he has in the world. He went to a psychiatrist for medication and some talk therapy, but didn't like what she said, and did not stay on the medication. I am at a loss. I refuse to give up on him, but I am becoming so very frustrated. His depression manifests in anger at times, and crying at others. The anger scares me, the crying brings me to tears. What can I do to help him? I know you have to want help, and he seems to want it, but then he never follows through. He seems like he has basically given up on everything and everyone, including himself. He basically starts arguments with everyone he comes into contact with, which is not many people. I love him dearly, and I cannot stand to see him this way. He was always so sweet and loving, and I know losing his ability to work has caused him to lose his ability to care... but, what can I do to help?? Anyone... please?
Laura, I know it's really tough to watch someone you love not take care of themselves, but, sadly, there's only so much you can do. "but then he never follows through" is a sign that he doesn't really want to change. We can lead a depressed person to help, and sometimes we need to do that such as by takign them to a counseling appointment, but we cannot make them take and apply the help until they're ready. -Kurt
I don't want to leave him, but I won't be mistreated either... with no one else to turn to, and possible suicidal tendencies, what kind of person would I be to walk away?
Laura, There's plenty of help out there for people to turn to if they want it. He saw a psychiatrist before, which he could return to again. There are other professionals like myself. There's help besides you. -Kurt
I just broke up with my relationship of 6 years. He kept saying things, like he would get a job and start doing more around the house. I finally got fed up with him depending on me for everything. So, I kicked him out. Now after 4 days I want him to come home, I miss him like crazy.
It sounds like your husband has had the rug pulled out from under him. Work-life especially is something that a man identifies with in terms of who he is - he's the provider. What he needs now more than anything is just love. Talk to his doctor about it. Sometimes pain medications and others have side effects that affect behavior.
Try to focus on the things that are right and don't forget to celebrate. Celebrate the things that are going right celebrate with friends family whoever you can over anything. Sounds to me like maybe a little fun is in order. When we were younger we always knew how to have fun.
Also remember, love isn't a feeling. This is your chance to show him the real kind of love - Love in service and sacrifice. I'm sure he could use an ego boost. Don't try to fix him. Just try to find joy in each day and go about things. He'll likely follow eventually. And again keep his primary care doc informed.
On our honeymoon we learned my father had terminal cancer. We took on roles as caregivers, sparing no residual emotional capacity for each other. As if that wasn't enough, we fostered 10 traumatized children over the following year take a few months off when my father died. I would ask my husband if we should close our home and focus on us but he said we could get through our rough patches. It wasn't a rough patch though. I had lost myself and couldn't return any of th e love he was trying to give and he really wasn't giving that much. We were SPENT, but he was giving more than me. Now he has had enough, is depressed and hurt and wants a divorce. I'm in a stronger place but he's just unreachable. He doesn't love me anymore and refuses help. I felt like my fighting for us only pushes him away. I'm very lost.
This article has been very helpful in that I've realized that irritability, anger, and moodiness can be depression in men, and that they can go about their everyday lives fine! I have been married for one year. On the day we were celebrating our year anniversary he went off the deep end because he didn't want to go to lazy boy... since then he has told me multiple times he wants a divorce and that he doesn't love me anymore. He keeps saying we 'just don't get along'. I told him I won't divorce him or sell the house until he agrees to do something to work on the relationship, that I'm not getting divorced after a year over silly things, that we don't have divorce worthy problems. He is convinced everything is my fault. I literally cannot do anything right. If I said something, I should have said it a different way, or I shouldn't have said it. If I didn't say anything I should have. I feel like I'm going crazy because he's just sooooo mad at me all the time and I can never figure out what I've done wrong. I've received information from friends, and from people who have depression that he's likely depressed but he absolutely without a doubt refuses to go to the doctor, go go counselling or do anything else that would help him or us. His only suggestion is to get a divorce. How on earth do you get someone to get help? I know he would regret a divorce eventually when he felt a bit better, and he would be ruining our marriage (his second), and both of our lives if we followed through with this.
Amy, The best thing you can do is set firm boundaries like this - "I told him I won't divorce him or sell the house until he agrees to do something to work on the relationship." Good job and keep it up. -Kurt
Kurt,
My husband has been depressed for the past few years. He told me reasons why the marriage is never going to work out, but has never said, " I want a divorce." When I ask him if a divorce is what he wants, (since he's trying so hard to convince me of why it's never going to work) he says yeah. But he hasn't filed divorce papers. I don't know if he's saying that because he's depressed or if he really does want a divorce. He says that he loves me, just not in love with me. I'm so confused. He's shut out his family..and now is pushing me away.
Confused, Men in your husband's shoes are confused too and that's why you get the conflicting words and behavior. -Kurt