There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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“We’re just friends.”
This is the most common lie people who end up emotionally cheating tell themselves.
"I’m not emotionally cheating – this is just a friendship.”
It’s also the explanation they’ll tell their partner and others when questioned about the relationship.
Which begs the question – what’s the difference between emotional cheating vs. friendship?
Where's the line?
That’s a very important question to know the answer to, especially since crossing the line from a friendship to cheating, particularly emotionally, is very easy to do today with the many ways we can easily connect with other people.
When Paige joined Ted’s work team he didn’t pay much attention. She was assigned to someone else and his interactions with her were infrequent. A couple months later she was reassigned and he started working around her regularly.
Then one day they had to drive together to a work site. When he spent 4 hours in a car with her, he began to find her interesting. He told me later,
"She was really cool and fun.”
That’s the day when their friendship started. Paige was 26 years old, single, and starting her career. Ted was 49, married for 14 years, with 2 kids, and 21 years into his career.
She was physically attractive he admitted, but more than anything he said she was just a lot of fun.
“We laughed so much. She was just like one of the guys.”
Ted and Paige worked together, but they also had fun together.
What’s wrong with that?
Nothing, except that they never set limits on their relationship.
Over time Ted began to feel closer to Paige than he did his wife.
They developed an emotional connection that became stronger than the one he had with his wife.
Somewhere along the way their relationship moved from just being work friends to emotional cheating. Ultimately, it became physical too.
Of course, his wife found out. His marriage is still a mess even more than a year later, and Paige has long moved on. Ted is a real guy (that’s not his real name though). I’m counseling Ted right now in fact, helping him to put his life back together.
Just as with coworkers, old friends and exs are other common connections where a friend relationship can turn into emotionally cheating.
Here’s an example:
Say your girlfriend is friends with her opposite-sex best friend and you honestly can feel some sort of tension between you and him. Now your girlfriend is so called innocently flirting with her friend and I don't know nothing about it. Not saying she's doing it to be sneaky or intentional, but is innocent flirting bad or is allowing it okay in a committed serious relationship when your partner already stated that he considers anything you normally would do with your partner as cheating? Is it really cheating if it’s a friend? Is innocent flirting also cheating even if it's not intended to show interest and it's not going to go anywhere, but you know your partner is uncomfortable with how close you are to your opposite sex friend and the innocent flirting you do that he doesn't know about?” -Wes
A lot of people want to debate what truly qualifies as cheating.
Does it have to be physical to be cheating?
Wes and his girlfriend are having this debate too.
Ask Ted if he cheated and he’ll say, yes.
Ask him how and he’ll say physically.
Ask if he was emotionally cheating and he’s not sure because he doesn’t really know what that means. He’d say he became friends with Paige, they got close, and then they started having sex. That’s when it became cheating in his mind.
Determining the difference between emotional cheating versus a friendship can be tricky. One of the biggest reasons for this is because emotional cheating and friendship start the same way – as friends.
The difference is that an emotional affair goes much deeper.
Here are 3 common ways people build an emotional connection that moves the relationship from a friendship to emotional cheating:
You may be thinking that some of this looks like what people do with a best friend.
That’s true.
However, not everyone practices healthy boundaries in their friendships regarding limits to what they share with a friend.
Where it really crosses the line into emotionally cheating is that the “friend” begins to replace your partner as the one you want to talk to, connect with, and confide in.
You know that feeling of eagerness to share some exciting news, like getting a pay raise or beating your best score at golf?
“I can’t wait to tell _____”
Who comes to mind first – Your partner or friend?
Who do you want to tell more?
The answers to these questions are a big clue as to whether you’ve moved from a friendship to emotional cheating.
Another clue is that in most cases emotional cheating happens with the opposite sex.
If you’re a guy and you can’t wait to tell your friend Steve about the job promotion, that’s usually fine (again as long as he hasn’t replaced telling your partner).
However, if it’s Susan you want to tell first, that’s a problem.
My husband is 41 but has been seemingly going through a MLC since he was 33. We have been together for 16 yrs & married for 12. He was always caring & loving to me until he started playing an online games 8-9 yrs ago. Then he started ignoring me & the boys. I found out that he was messaging & texting other women saying things to them that he used to say to me. I had gotten to the point I couldn't take the emotional cheating anymore & moved out for about a month. I couldn't take that either because I had left the boys behind & I didn't get to see them much. About the time he really got into playing the online game he moved into the basement & has been down there for the last 7 years. Last week I asked if he wanted a divorce, since he doesn't talk to me unless he absolutely has to & he said where did that come from? He said he won't go to any counseling. I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't be normal around him.” -Jen
And lastly, the key distinction between an emotional connection with a friend vs. cheating is the secrecy.
As Wes shared at the beginning, this is one of the biggest issues. This was also probably a big part of the hurt for Jen above when she discovered that her husband was texting other women.
It’s pretty well accepted that having sex with someone who’s not your partner without your partner knowing is cheating.
Some would argue that any form of physical affection qualifies, not just sexual acts. With the increased acceptance of open relationships others would argue the problem arises only if it’s done in secret.
What sets emotional cheating apart is that often there’s no sexual or physical affection in the relationship (typically not yet). Typically, it’s just a matter of time, but not always.
In fact, there may be no romantic feelings at all, which is another thing that can make it difficult for some to see it as really cheating.
Emotional cheating really can look like a friendship when it occurs with someone of the same sex, like a friend or coworker, or even a family member.
One glaring difference between emotional cheating versus a friendship is the level of intimacy and the impact that relationship has on the relationship with your partner.
Intimacy takes many forms beyond just being physical and sexual. Mental and emotional intimacy are what make emotional cheating a problem.
A simple way to think about intimacy is closeness. And when evaluating a friendship compared to emotional cheating, ask yourself if you’re closer to the other person in any way more than you are to your partner.
Here are a few examples of what being closer than appropriate can look like when someone is cheating emotionally:
When you become emotionally closer to the other person the end result often looks like this:
My wife wants me to contact you because she wants to make sure I don't make a big mistake during my midlife crisis. I want a divorce and I am well set on that path having filed in the beginning of the month. I have been emotionally cheating on my wife with a younger woman for six months. I want to be free of ties (no children) to go off and do whatever I want. I realize that I have many symptoms of a midlife crisis; however, I am dedicated to my path. My wife wants me to read your input.” -Alan
A lot of people are like Ted, Wes’ girlfriend, or Jen’s husband and don’t realize when they’ve moved from a friendship into emotionally cheating. But they should.
The truth is, nearly everyone has an idea they’ve crossed a line and are doing something wrong. They just don’t want to admit it, or do anything about it, like Alan.
The line between friendship and emotional cheating can be faint. And it can be very easy to explain away the connection you feel with another person as “innocent,” or “just friendly.”
But ask yourself the following questions:
If you’ve answered “yes” to these questions, then you’re almost certainly engaging in an emotional affair.
So, if you can relate to any aspect of the “just friends” vs. emotional cheating struggle, regardless of whether it’s you or someone you love, just admit that it could be possible.
Don’t stick your head in the sand and ignore it like most people. As the stories I’ve shared show, it only gets worse if you don’t do anything about it.
What’s your experience with emotional cheating vs. being friends? Please share what that’s like with other readers and you’ll likely get a response.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 28, 2021 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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My husband and I are in our 50’s…. Married almost 7 years… second marriage for both of us. I used to be transparent if I got a random text or social media message from old high school friends. And also the emails I would exchange about my sons to their Boy Scout leader. His reactions to those interchanges were so out of proportion that I stopped sharing them with him. I would invite him to read them and he would refuse just accusing me of an emotional affair. I invited him out to have brunch with the scout leader and his wife so we could co next as couples and it took weeks before he would agree to that. We did. He enjoyed the brunch. And he is still suspicious. I don’t initiate contact with any of these people…and they are all married. All but the scout leader don’t even live in my same state! But now his irrational jealousy compels me to hide whenever they reach out to me. That of course becomes a self fulfilling prophecy…. I’m not hiding their text messages (they occur maybe every 6-8 months or so…) because I’m ashamed. I hide them now because he gets so angry and even made a scene at a restaurant once while we were out together. He has told
me in the past that it’s MY job to make sure he doesn’t get jealous. I know I’m not emotionally involved with these people. He won’t let it go. His last wife cheated on him…. Isn’t it HIS job to work that out without smothering me? As context… he and I don’t have a physical or emotional relationship. He always put up walls to that with me. So I’m sure some of this is projection. He has never been very interested in sex (to my great dismay… but I’ve come to accept it now) and any time I DO share my feelings with him he gets angry and we fight for days.
Therese, Yes, you're correct - it his job to work through his insecurities whether from his ex's affair or elsewhere. Your job is to look for any ways you unintentionally feed them and to hold him accountable to address fixing them (not enable him so he doesn't have to). -Dr. Kurt
I am in a new relationship with a man who is everything I've ever wanted. Everything was amazing of course at first but I kept getting a weird feeling when he would mention his friend cris. Well now I know why, it wasn't a man named Cris it was a woman and not only a woman but someone he's had a romantic past with that never went anywhere. So. That was a red flag for me especially when he didn't mention he was a she. Later a few weeks go by and he was in the bathroom when his phone went off, he asked me to check who it was and I said it was Kris and I could see the notification and there was a kiss face emoji. So of course I'm wondering wtf. So I open his phone and start reading... He was telling her good morning beautiful and hope you have a wonderful day ECT... He didn't ever do that with me .. ever. Should I be worried or over exaggerating,?
I believe I made the mistake of marrying to a man that already had a very special girlfriend before we met. She was already committed to another man when I got to meet my hbd and she but from the beginning of my relationship there were tricky signs. The first present he bought me he made sure he bought for her, too. When we were to have our first trip together she tried to tag along alleging that she had fought with her own hbd. I can tell she despises me but my husband doesn't see that. We have been having fights over the two of them going out for coffee several times a month and she even asked my hbd to go with her to pick a baby troller she had bought (she is pregnant). She dismisses her husband in public. I went on a trip with my husband and he said he wouldn't like to go to a site because she might feel upset that he didn't go with her. She is 8 months pregnant and I feel like she is worse than ever, asking him for help, despising me when I reach out to help or bond (I gave up and now I am open that I don't like her, hope people see what she does). My hbd is my real concern. I can't connect with him and he got to the point of saying if I ever drift them apart he would leave me. Well, I am the one setting to do. And sadly because I'm 36 and when I was 26 I was married for the first time and I feel ashamed of having chosen unavailable men who made clear others would come first in their lives.
Alicia, I know people who are twice your age and still haven't learned that about themselves. Be careful not to let the shame overwhelm you. Now that you recognize this tendency you need to turn it into a positive by figuring out why you do it and how to not do it again. If you do that, your next relationship will be far better. Best wishes on future relationship success. -Dr. Kurt