Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Contents
Part 2 of 3
It's natural for men to want to look at women, right?
Yes, it is.
Men like to look at women. And whether they'll admit to it or not, they especially like to look at naked women. Thus, the popularity of porn.
Which begs the question –
Is porn bad for you?
Yes, it is.
But how can porn be bad if it's just a way to do something that comes naturally?
That's a very good question.
Let's look at some real-life stories of porn users to learn how porn can be damaging.
Below are a few excerpts of submissions we've received from women whose partners watch porn. Following each story, I'll give some feedback and explanation for each situation.
If you're asking if porn is actually bad for you, hopefully these people's stories will help you see how it can take a natural desire and healthy relationship and change each of them in ways that are unhealthy.
I just have a little concern about my boyfriend. He is a very nice man, very honest to everything, he never keeps secret to me. He told me from the start of our relationship that he loves to look women, and he never care even I'm with him in public. And every time we are having sex it's hard for him to cum without watching porn. The porn is on every time we are having sex. And he never cum to me, he always wants to have a blowjob. It bothers me too much. What should I do? I LOVE HIM. But he doesn't think porn is really that bad. He always says to me porn is just like a dildo, it's not a big deal. Tried to ignore his habits but its killing me inside. I never had a man who is very obsessed with porn. This is something that very different to me. Maybe something wrong with me. We love each other, but sometimes when I think about it, its drives me crazy, its killing me inside. We have talked about it and he always tells me don't worry too much about it because he loves me. But I need advice." -Evelyn
Still asking is porn bad for you?
One of the ways porn is bad is that it changes how we get aroused.
As men watch more and more porn it can take longer for them to be stimulated. They become desensitized to seeing just one naked woman, and now need to see many naked women, or something new sexually in order to become excited.
Masturbating almost always accompanies porn viewing.
Excessive masturbation changes what sensations create arousal, and the result for men who look at porn is that they often require more tactile stimulation than they used to or is normal. This leads to intercourse no longer being sufficient for achieving orgasm. It can also cause porn induced erectile dysfunction (PIED).
Still thinking that porn isn't that bad for you?
Keep reading.
I have been married for six years now. And we had a small separation but tried to fix it. I realized that he almost never wants to have sex, but in the evening it is so bad he could just sit next to me and something in his pants would say hello. Then one day I took his phone and saw that he was and still is watching porn, but funny weird porn. And 2 weeks back I was shocked because he was also looking at gay porn and games. So can you help me with that?" -Rachel
Hmmm . . . does Rachel's situation sound healthy?
I know my husband is a watcher of porn. I didn't know he watched man on man porn. Is this a normal thing for men to do? -Ainsley
It's not normal for most men, but it's common for men who watch porn regularly to have their sexual interests broadened immensely.
Sexuality that they never previously had any interest in can become intriguing because of the effect of and exposure to porn. I've counseled men and their partners where the guys have pursued anal sex, threesomes, swinging, and even rape of their partner because of the influence of porn.
Still doubting is porn bad for you?
My husband of 7 years has been using porn early before work to ‘release’. He spends a good 25-30 minutes pleasing himself then wakes me up to help get him ready for work. I told him this bothers me because many times when he finally comes home from being away for work I want some sex and he says he's tired. I'm just so annoyed that this crap its ALWAYS on his phone. Everyday at least 8-11 different internet pages. This is what he had to say about all this: ‘it is not an issue, I need it to wake up, it feels nice, I'm not looking for anyone woman on here in particular, I just enjoy the silly bad acting cheesy skits.’ He doesn't believe porn is harmful. What makes me more upset is the further details on his sexual issues like: He has on many occasions followed females to watch their see-through clothes, skirts go up and he has even video recorded these women. He has even wrote (emailed) to some woman's Craigslist sex ad. And I saw all of this and he said he is soooo sorry and will not do it again. And took a very long time to delete these videos. Some are probably still on his phone. This hurts me, I told him this, and it hurt a million times more when I was pregnant. I'm to the point that I don't know what to do. He says he loves me dearly, does everything to make a good life for me and our child. He says I'm sexy and is so attracted. But he will just never stop no matter what I do." -Steph
As we've seen in the previous stories, porn is bad for you because it changes a person in unhealthy ways.
While Steph's husband wants to believe his porn viewing is innocent enough, the truth is that it's led him into increasingly riskier (and potentially criminal) behavior.
He illustrates one of the biggest lies about porn – that it's normal and harmless. The reality is that porn slowly and deceptively leads us down a destructive path, and we usually don't even see it.
Yes, porn is bad for you – whether you’re a man or a woman, and whether you watch it alone or together.
Most women have absolutely no interest in the porn men watch. However, a few do. But unless porn’s become an addiction for these women they don’t watch with the same frequency as men.
Other women can have an interest in a different type of porn often referred to as ‘Mommy Porn.’ This tends to be more story and romance related rather than sexually graphic. Think 50 Shades Of Gray.
Some of you guys may be saying,
Hold on – if my woman wants to watch porn then we’re watching it!”
I’ve found in my years of counseling couples about porn that many women only agree to watch porn with their partner to make him happy.
As the saying goes, ‘They go along to get along.’
It’s a compromise many women will make because they don’t fully understand how doing so hurts their relationship.
Porn changes you – both men and women.
What was an intimate experience between two loving partners can become corrupted. The result will be a breakdown in closeness and dissatisfaction in your relationship.
No matter how you look at it porn doesn’t promote,
If you watch porn you need to know that,
So, is porn really bad for you?
Yep, it certainly is.
This discussion exploring the question, is porn bad for you, is the second of 3 articles examining porn use. The first article provided help for a porn addiction by looking at how it can become addictive. In the next and final article we'll discuss the ways porn hurts the women in men's lives. My hope is that by showing you the effects porn has on the lives of other's you can learn to make some different choices in your own life.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published January 28, 2016, updated on October 12, 2021, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
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Thanks for the excerpts Kurt. Any other advice on this?
We spoke of his issue. He stopped for about 4 days to "prove the point that this everyday masturbation while viewing porn is not harmful" and is not the reason for him not wanting the real thing.
And then went back to his old ways, and doesn't look like he will ever stop. To my knowledge he hasn't contacted anyone or pursued any "other" things.
Jessica, Most men don't realize they are addicted to porn. Like any addiction, they have to want to stop and it usually takes professional help. -Kurt
Your right Kurt he has a problem !
He admitted to it recently , but I don't think he meant it and was saying this to make me feel better. After that comment I thought he was really willing to help himself. He stopped for a few days to "prove his point" that he doesn't need it. In those few days he didn't want sex at all, almost like a shut down. He wanted nothing to do w sex. I tried and I even asked "being that you haven't released in a few days, doesn't it make you want sex more" he said no. And the following morning went back to doing the viewing and maturbating everyday. He doesn't want to stop and always goes back to his normal daily viewing and masturbating that "makes him happy" before I he stopped for a few days he also stated that at this time in his life he doesn't want sex so often like we used have for many years and said he is sorry for giving me so much of it then stopping and not being able to preform as much as he used to. But even after he says this he goes back to his daily routine!???. See if his last statement were in fact true (maybe due to normal life stresses like finances, work, etc or just getting older) I would whole heartedly understand him but I don't think that is the case.
Thanks again for your advice. I pray I can convince him to get help.
I have lived with my boyfriend for almost 6 years. He has told me time and time again that he'll quit his nasty habit but he always goes back to porn. It used to be me catching him masterbating in the bathroom with a magazine or finding his hiding places. Now that we have a smart tv he now switches to porn in the living room while I am in the next room. He has not given me sex for two years. He doesn't even get close to me in bed. He turns his back on me and hugs the dog. The last two times I initiated sex he argued with me to the point that he broke down and cried. I don't know this man anymore. I am beginning to hate him. He also disappears for hours when he says he is going to the store two blocks away. I don't know why I am still with him. He makes me feel so badly about myself. I get depressed. I cannot stand to look at him anymore. I feel betrayed.
Gay, and if not, accept it and move on, you deserve better.
Let me say first of all I have a great marriage and my husband and I have a great sex life. My husband works out of town and I've always been ok with him watching porn until I looked and seen how much he watches it and it's almost daily. So I decided to make my own videos and I sent him the first one. He watched it but then when straight to his go to porn site and looked up and watched a woman do the same thing I did. It hurt me so bad and left me feelings so undesirable, unwanted and so on. Next day I send him another and he watches it and gets off to it but then an hour later back to the porn site. I just don't understand how he would want to watch someone else than his wife. Thoughts on this? Please help!!!!!!
Lost, Porn addiction is really tricky, and I know it's hard not to take it personally. Like any addiction, however, he has to want to get help. Read the other articles in the Porn Addiction section on the right of this page for more information. -Kurt
Hi Kurt,
I came across your website because I just discovered that my husband of 14 years has been looking at pornagraphic pictures. We talked about this 14 years ago when I found his stash and he threw it all away and agreed to no longer use it. I'm am completely shocked, and absolutely crushed. I truly believed he didn't look at that stuff anymore.
My question is: is looking at photos as bad for the brain as looking at videos? He doesn't seem to have any issues that I've read about with porn addiction, but I just can't stand the thought of him looking at other naked women.
Thank you!
Kayla, Porn addiction isn't as simple as pictures vs. films. It's different for everyone, and it effects everyone differently. Like any other addiction, he has to want to stop. Most men don't realize it's an addiction and that they will most likely need professional help. -Kurt
Hello, my name is Kristen. I have been in a serious, committed relationship with a lovely man now for almost 2 years, and just recently some disagreements have come up, causing us to have excessive amounts of tension and fights. I love him to death, but there are a few things about him that seem to tear me down, hurt me, and make me feel small. He says he doesn't think he needs to change, and that its me who does. Maybe that is the case, but I would like a professional opinion. All of these issues are connected.
First off, he is one of those guys who has had many past girlfriends, which isn't a problem, because I know he chooses me. But, that being said, he is friends with many of them. That's okay too. But I have mentioned before that if he wants to have lunch/coffee or work out (he's a gym buff) with a female friend (most likely an ex), I would like a heads up first. It's not that I don't trust him... It's just uncomfortable, and with me being his significant other, I have a right to know, especially if I'm not going to be there, am I correct? Or am I totally in left field? This concept has upset him many times, and he feels that I should trust him regardless. He also feels that he should be able to meet up with his female friends whenever, without giving me a notice.
Secondly- and kind of related to the above issue- has to do with his past girlfriends. He has a whole box full (at least a couple hundred pictures) dedicated to his ex girlfriends. This box has mostly love notes, and headshots/single pictures of just the girls that he has dated- not of him with them. My view is that a couple of photos here and there mixed in with memories is fine, I get that there were girls before me. But a whole box dedicated to them.. And the fact that he went through them with me a couple months after we started dating, was sickening for me. Him and his mother have also explained that he had a "wall of shame" where these pictures were hung on a wall in his room in high school. It was the past, I get that, but why does he still have these pictures? He says that he needs them to relive his memories. But he has other scrap books and stuff. This makes me feel small. Am I being too judgmental?
Third, is an already accepted concept, but an uncomfortable one nonetheless. Too get turned on in bed, he has put on porn. It's an initial thing, and I have come to terms with it (we watch it together) but why does he need it? I am young, blonde, skinny, busty, and have nice skin... Why don't I turn him on? I feel like I am at fault. When we visited this early on in the relationship, he said he just doesn't get turned on without it unless I do something out of the ordinary. I said I'd accept it, so I did, but I just wanted your thoughts. I don't want him to get desensitized.
Lastly, is the issue that has been the most damaging to our relationship. I have viewed other submissions on this website regarding this issue, but wanted to explain our problem firsthand. He constantly is looking at other women. So much so, that it seems obsessive. He follows a lot of "naughty" pages on Facebook that show girls wearing close to nothing in cosplay outfits, fantasy costumes, with cars, etc, and even feels the need to put these photos as his background on his iPad. I don't know if it's just me, but I find this disrespectful. I understand that looking at women is natural for a man, and I don't mind it so much in public or whatever, but when it comes into our home, it gets to be a bit much. It's not just the photos either. We watch shows together, and I don't care if he looks, but he will outright say loudly "she has a nice rack" or "she's stacked!" When I'm sitting RIGHT next to him. Also, in public, especially around other people, if something comes up that could be taken wrong, he will point it out. For example, if someone says something about a trampoline. He comes out an says "a busty girl on a trampoline is delightful." This kind of thing makes me feel unwanted, uneasy, and downright disgusted. Don't get me wrong, he's always complimenting me, and trying to make me feel good... But this just brings me down. His view is that he "appreciates the human form", and that is "makes him happy" to see these women. But my question, is why does he feel the need to see these women and ogle over them when he has me? Why is it that important to him? What do I need to do to get him to just want me?
I love him. I'm almost positive he is the one. I wish I could be okay with these things, but they bother me. Literally other than these few things, he is a prince right out of a fairytale. He does so much for me, and our relationship is almost perfect minus these things. But our arguments usually happen with him saying over and over that these things are a part of who he is. And if he can't change, what do I do? And maybe I am completely crazy. But lately, at the end of the day, all I know is that my heart sinks. I'm hurt, exhausted, and drained. I need your advice.
Thank you for your time.
Kristen, You can't make him change, he has to want to. You're not crazy if his behavior makes you feel bad. You have to decide if it's acceptable to you, and what you want in a relationship. -Kurt
Thanks for the insight. If possible, I would like you're professional view on the topics though, if you're okay with that. I understand if hes not willing to change, he can't, but for my own sanity I want to know what's best if he was willing to change. Thanks.
Kristen, I can't really be more specific without knowing him at all. An option for you is seek out a profesional couples counselor, but you will still have the same decision to make. -Kurt
I understand. Thanks for your help.