Are you Married To An Angry Man? Find out from one wife’s real-life experience what it's like being Married To An Angry Man. See if Angry Men can change.
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Contents
A lot of men with anger issues get help because they get told they have to by their partners.
My wife told me I have to get my anger issues fixed, or else.”
is a common explanation I hear from men who come to my counseling for men.
What often gets overlooked, or rather ignored, is the origin of these anger issues in men.
Well, as it turns out there are some common causes of anger in men.
Let’s be clear about something first though. Men who struggle with anger management (me too) need to take full responsibility for managing their emotions. Just because there are reasons for anger doesn’t mean uncontrolled anger, explosive outbursts, or even verbal abuse is okay.
To really come to terms with anger issues and make the needed changes we men must understand the causes of their anger issues.
This is easier said than done.
Anger is a reaction to external circumstances.
It can be difficult for men, or anyone for that matter, to manage emotions they feel are a natural response to being provoked by others. Being provoked, however, is not an excuse to overreact or become abusive to those around you.
Unfortunately, uncontrolled anger issues in men too frequently leads to abusive behavior.
Partners and others around us also need to be willing to look at their contribution to anger issues in men. Often partners are aware of the things that may trigger an angry response in the person they love, yet they fail (or even refuse) to make a point of changing their own behavior.
Is this an excuse for a man’s anger issues?
No. But everyone has buttons, and being respectful and loving means you do your best not to push your partner’s.
Of course, all of this needs to be considered from a reasonable standpoint. Becoming angry every time someone clangs their spoon on a bowl doesn’t mean everyone around you should stop eating ice cream.
A common complaint I hear in counseling men is that their partner “nags” them. This behavior not only fuels men's issues with anger, but also their loss of interest in their partner (Hint to partners: nagging is a real ‘turn-off’).
Nagging is a form of communication breakdown.
Guys, make note – this isn’t just a ‘her’ thing. You have a part in this as well.
If she’s nagging because your underwear is always on the bathroom floor, pick them up and then have a conversation. Communication helps you each better understand the reasons for the other's behaviors – either the nagging or the anger – that are causing problems.
Unfortunately, in a lot of relationships there's not honest communication and so this important information often goes unshared. As a consequence, the nagging continues, and the anger escalates.
Here’s a post I wrote for our social media page about the connection between nagging and anger management problems. What I describe fits for a lot of relationships where the men have anger issues.
So, what do you think? A lot of guys will probably say,
You're right. Her constant asking does make me angry."
And a lot of partners will probably ask,
What else am I supposed to do to get him to do things?"
One of the challenges with anger issues in men is that the anger and its consequences often mask the real problems. If your anger operates like a hair-trigger there are very likely deeper issues that are affecting you.
Problems that are harbored and not dealt with will take up energy and mind space. As a result, your ability to keep things in perspective and react proportionately to whatever is going on is limited.
In the case of nagging, there is a clear need to find more effective communication techniques and fix the reasons why nagging is necessary in the first place.
There are a number of reasons nagging can occur, many of which we control. Some easy areas where we as men, as well as partners, can make changes are:
You may be surprised at the changes making these small efforts can bring about.
It's important to note that it's not just men who have anger issues -- women can have issues with anger too.
Like all emotions, anger is telling us something.
In the case of anger, it tells us something is wrong. And what’s wrong is not necessarily the thing that made you angry, it might very well be something deeper.
So, it's really important that we don't ignore that message and get so distracted with stopping the anger that we miss fixing what's really causing it.
Obviously, 'nagging' isn't the only cause of anger issues in men, there are many others as well.
These are also common sources of anger problems. But whatever the cause, we need to be sure to dig deep enough into things to get to the true problem, not just the surface one.
Many of us men suffer with anger issues (and women can be angry too). However, you can’t ignore them -hoping time will fix them doesn’t work. To really effectively manage your anger issues, keep the following in mind:
Less conflict and more honest communication by both men and their partners is one of the ways we can get to the bottom of the true problem, while also reducing a man’s anger issues. It’s a win-win.
Please share your thoughts about the anger issues in the men you know by leaving a comment below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on October 5th, 2013 and updated on August 14, 2018, and again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness
Are you Married To An Angry Man? Find out from one wife’s real-life experience what it's like being Married To An Angry Man. See if Angry Men can change.
Got a stubborn husband?I know what that’s like. I work with them every day (I used to be one).
Everything seems fine. Then, out nowhere, your husband loses his temper over something little.
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I feel frustrated when I see you telling women they need to read the article again. Perhaps, if more than one person is saying this, you need to take a look at it yourself from another perspective.
The title of the article is "What Causes Anger Issues in Men," and then you spend quite a bit of time focused on wives' nagging. Sure, you mention in passing that the nagging might be justified, and that there might be other reasons for the anger, but you really don't give any alternative approaches, and you barely mention what ELSE could be causing anger issues. I appreciate that you tell men that they have some responsibilities here, but there's still quite a bit *more* about how wives need to stop nagging. In fact, you write in the article you quote, "What do you think is the biggest source of anger management problems? Sorry for the bad news, but it's our 'loving' partners." The BIGGEST source, you say. You even put "loving" in quotation marks, like it's sarcastic. Ouch.
Within that same article, you even state that nagging "creates" anger management problems.
Now do you see why so many of us wives are reading this as blaming us for most of his anger issues?
Perhaps if that "article within the article" wasn't there, this one would be more helpful and feel less like blaming the wife for the husband's anger. I would like to see a focus on the root of the anger, instead of just one of the (many) things that may fuel it.
And I agree with Kat and Becky. Some of us have already changed our behavior so as not to contribute to his anger, yet the anger is still present. Lots of things fuel the anger besides nagging; most wouldn't faze him if he wasn't already carrying around unresolved anger issues. And some of us don't nag, but our husbands are still just as angry. "Fixing" me didn't fix his problems with anger.
So, where nagging is not the issue... now what?
Hi Amy, Thank you for sharing your feedback. Towards the end of the article I state this, "Obviously, 'nagging' isn't the only cause of anger issues in men, there are many others as well. Struggles with money, pride, and insecurity are also common sources of anger problems..." Nagging is just one contributor and I discuss many others in the nearly 30 articles on anger on this site. The communication dynamic that develops between partners is a common part of the problem that wakes people up that there's an even bigger problem, so that's why I'm focusing on it. Going deeper at this stage isn't a good approach to reaching and getting the cooperation of men (and women) who refuse to see they have an anger problem. I'm well aware of the deeper issues and I address them in treatment, but not it's not feasible or productive to do so in this forum. If we don't start simply we can't get people to be willing to let us help them. -Dr. Kurt
Need coping mechanisms. meditation, journaling, list things grateful for...the balance is heavy on reality...create the world you wish to see
Hi, obviously I'm reading this today because I've been on the other end of my husband's anger yet again this morning. I do not nag - I have never been a nag - in fact, quite the opposite - he nags and criticizes me. We laugh because he admits, "You're the nice one!" We both have children and were recently married after many years of on and off again dating. We let the children get older and thought, now we'll be ok. His anger seems to come out of nowhere - it seems to be in his perception of how he is being treated. It seems to bubble up from somewhere deep - like insecurity or this sense that he is always being wronged. He was angry at his son yesterday and then that anger was transferred to me for talking to my daughter too much - I am accused of co-dependency and the blame is always shifted to me. What baffles me most is the intensity of this anger - it is as if he rages when he thinks he is slighted. I keep thinking nothing is worth this amount of anger - I mean maybe if someone hurt one of your children you might feel this amount of rage, but because someone didn't show up for dinner or maybe had a conversation you weren't a part of doesn't mean you blow your top and threaten to leave. Yeah, anger can often be coming from a very deep source and nagging or another seemingly insignificant action just siphons it into the gusher it can become.
My boss has uncontrollable anger out bursts.He thinks everyone is taking advantage of him,when actually I bring half his work home and do it on weekends.Everyone in the office walks on egg shells and hates to approach him because he almost always explodes.He throws things and walks out of the office.He screams at people on the phone.He always thinks he is justified in his horrible actions.I have tried to talk to him about it,but he says I hurt his feelings.I have nightmares about him.
Your worth more than putting up with that...he will figure it out when he is all alone and no one comes to his calls. Then he will change but not before coming to that realization.
A lot of men experienced rejection, neglect and abandonment in their childhoods. Whether it was due to parents not consistently showing them they are wanted and loved (inconsistent attention / withdrawal), coupled with being told to "man up" when they tried to express their pain. Now, move to years later when the husband is replaced at his work, is discarded by people whom they worked with and for triggering that anxiety of abandonment, coupled with being replaced at home by the dogs, the kids, the cell phone - and it very much triggers their total feeling of frustration, insecurity, rejection and neglect that they experienced in childhood (I know these are my personal demons I battle daily). Anger is a secondary emotion, and until recently I had never really confronted the nature of why I was feeling angry at the entire world, and felt useless, unloved and rejected. The angry outburst acts as a self-fulfilling mechanism, causing the withdrawal, emotional and physical disconnection on both sides from your spouse, which then fuels the constant trigger of rejection, abandonment, fear, etc... which in turn tends to result in more anger and the cycle continues. I know, I have lived this for so, so long without really understanding why I felt angry all the time about almost everything. It really traps you in a negative mindset and contributed to unrecognized long term depression. I urge anyone feeling angry or rageful (outside of actual combat) to seek counseling and focus on self help and confront those deep hidden fears to reconcile and understand what their triggers are and to put aside their easy to access anger responses, it's not healthy for you or anyone else.