There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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Cheating is one of the most difficult problems a couple can experience. Every week I work with couples where one partner has cheated. Recently, I received a request from a woman asking me the question, “How do men cheat?”
As the wife of a cheating man, she wanted help understanding how this level of betrayal can happen.
How do men cheat and why does it happen?
These are fair questions and are probably asked by every woman whose husband has cheated. If only there were an easy, tidy answer.
While easy and tidy aren’t adjectives used when discuss how men cheat and why, there are some important things to understand when it comes to cheating.
Below is what this wife asked and the explanation I gave her.
Reader Question:
Kurt can you write an article to help shed some light on the common questions/issues faced by the women who are left disillusioned by an affair. For example, how do men cheat? There is little written about what the affair partner goes through that can help betrayed partners understand what they are faced with on a daily basis - their partner's changes in personality, attitude & behavior.”
My Response:
How can someone change seemingly overnight?
Let me start by saying that partners don’t change overnight – no one does.
Your partner has been changing for some time, you just haven’t recognized it.
The same answer goes for understanding how men go about cheating. The changes that occur that open the gates to cheating typically happen slowly over time too.
Most likely the reasons you didn’t see the changes earlier is a combination of,
Again, remember that these things didn’t happen all at once – they happened gradually, bit by bit, and by the time those changes are recognized they're also very significant.
Think of it like your hair going grey.
Hair doesn’t turn grey overnight – it happens little by little. By the time it’s noticeable there are many, many grey hairs. They’ve been accumulating overtime, yet it can seem like you wake up one day and all of the sudden they are staring back at you in the mirror.
No matter when you recognize it, the most important thing is deciding what to do next.
The biggest question to consider when you’ve been betrayed through cheating is why you didn't see the signs earlier, or, probably more accurately, how you managed to ignore the clues.
This can be a tough one to hear, but it’s true in every situation.
If you look closely enough you’ll see that there were signs – trust me, there are always signs.
This doesn’t mean you’re responsible for his bad choices, but it does mean that if either of you had addressed those signs and the other issues in your marriage when they first began, you both may have been able to stop things before they got to this point.
Let's look at 5 common questions I get asked.
First, just like the initial question, there is no switch that flips making a person who once felt love and respect to being okay with hurting you so badly by cheating.
They’ve been slowly disconnecting and pulling away from you for a while. This disconnect makes it easier for them not to have any feelings about their behavior.
Second, part of the way our minds deal with behavior that goes against our belief system is to disconnect from rational thought and normal feelings.
We often describe this as compartmentalizing.
In other words, we separate ourselves from those thoughts and feelings.
So, how do men cheat?
One of the ways is by compartmentalizing their thoughts and feelings about cheating, pushing them aside or burying them, and then convincing themselves that it’s got nothing to do with their spouse or marriage.
I actually have a friend – a woman – who had a man she worked with show up at her apartment one night with flowers. This man was married, supposedly happily, and yet he’d convinced himself that pursuing her was okay.
He arrived at my friend’s door and explained this to her feeling fully comfortable with the decision he’d made. My friend told him that he was deluding himself and sent him on his way.
Obviously, there were issues in his marriage that hadn’t been addressed, and he’d compartmentalized the idea of having an affair so that he didn’t have to feel he was doing anything wrong, or contributing to their problems and making them much worse.
Lastly, another mental strategy is justifying the behavior with something their spouse has done and therefore in their minds making cheating acceptable.
They’re cold because the compartmentalization technique (described above) their brain is using to manage the cheating behavior results in having no feelings.
They know deep down their behavior is wrong, but by disconnecting themselves from you, physically, mentally, and emotionally it’s easier for them to avoid the normal feelings connected with wrongdoing, like guilt or remorse.
This also helps prevent second thoughts, having any thoughts about you, or caring about your feelings.
The short answer is that they don’t. This is another part of how men cheat.
Most often cheating partners deny the idea that they’ve done anything that’s wrong or hurtful. After all, if it had nothing to do with you, how could it hurt you?
And it’s easy to think that you don’t have to deal with something that’s not a reality to you.
Another technique that many cheating men use is blame shifting.
In other words, it’s your fault because you,
The list could go on and on.
In their minds they’re not the one doing the hurting, they're the one who was hurt. They use the rational that they’ve been wronged to justify their wrong behavior, which from this point of view can now be defined as right.
Turning their back is easy when, as I said above, they deny the pain they're causing and believe their cheating is justified.
Remember that they've also disconnected mentally and emotionally from you, and thus they probably don't recognize or care about your pain.
Fixing a marriage first requires acknowledging that there are troubles.
If cheating men are using some of the above coping mechanisms (or all of them), then they’re either denying the problems or blaming them on their partner. Particularly the most hurtful one of all - their cheating.
Fixing a relationship also requires change.
Most of us don't like change and cheating men in particular typically don't want things to change. They like the thrill and enjoyment the cheating relationship brings. It allows them to escape from the reality of their life and the problems that come along with it.
Answering the question, “How do men cheat?”, is at once both easy and complicated.
Psychologically it makes sense, but logically it's very confusing.
If you’re partner has cheated, remember:
If you're the partner of a cheating man, hopefully these answers will begin to help you make sense of how it is that men cheat.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published May 29, 2013, updated on June 4, 2019, and updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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I just caught my husband cheating. 14 days ago. 30 years together. Tons of fun, and heartache and love shared. What changed. I grew out of the drug, and alcohol world that he and his family, and anyone else he associates with, live in. He dumped all friends that grew up. He quit wanting to play sports, or do anything else that he couldn't be hammered at.
He swears they never met face to face or even talked on the phone..just the sexual text. I haven't made any full decision yet. I twnd to believe a liar is a liar, and you don't call someone you texted with twice our pet sexual names. I played the tape back, and he had been brating me for about 3 years prior. I have not qorked 6 of our 30 years together. First, he belittled how many hours i worked compared to him. Then, when i said that I always worked anywhere from 32 -45 hours, and, did ALL of the house stuff-he complained that i didnt make enough, and that he carried the tremedous burden of finamcially supporting us alone. Finally, he began berating me for wasting my cum laude science degree, and that i shldve made "this amt", and look at my sister, and other comparisons. My husband is an alcoholic, that comes from a long line of alcoholics. Every parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin and sibling of his is a high-functioning alcoholic (at work). They have a family dynamic of covering for each other. They always will.
What was not written here is the most important thing. Healthy thinking people don't cheat. If you all play the tape back. The cheaters are unhealthy minded. The lack value in themselves because.they think they are God. They are selfish and self-centered because they have mental difficulties. My husband difficulties started when he was a baby. He and his three siblings were stealing alcohol and getting drunk regularly by 6 years old. They hid their parents alcoholism, and they hide each others...and therefore, with every discourteous action, selfish lie, and other wrong steps, they hate themselves more, and accuse everyone around them of being the bad guy. (Projecting).
Now. He loves me, and doesnt like that he hurt me. But, he is sick and will one day, again, need to build his ego with the false admiration, because he hates himself and is frightened to make the most simple move of just doing the next right thing. He can't. He can only see what he fears is ALL the stuff he needs to do at once, instead of one thing at a time.
Joelle, I am so sorry for what your husband has done. Mine also came from one of "those" families. I thought I got the pick of the litter, but he was no different from the rest of the losers. You seem to have been well-educated and know how and why this happened. I should have known that alcoholism is genetic and I am starting to wonder if divorce isn't genetic as well. My husband and I stayed together but it will be six years in March since I found out and he changed his life, and I still feel the same. Hurt, depressed, shocked, it is all surreal to me. I am glad we stayed together for our children. Two of them in their 20's could not handle it, and I would never let them suffer because of his actions. I will never feel the same way about him or anyone for that matter. I monitor every move he makes every call, every text. I see every screen on the computer, but his fidelity now means nothing to me. I will always be emotionally removed from the marriage. I am the walking dead. Indifferent about the future and life. All of my dreams have been crushed. Everything was an illusion. I tell my girls now don't bother getting married. The entire concept does not work. Men get it in their heads that no matter how good they have it, they can always do better. I say "Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out."
I caught mines cheating he recorded it on his phone and still denied it started lockin his phone after i found the evidence
Rene, I hear you loud and clear as I have been dealing with a serial infidel for too long.
However, as understandably upset as you sound at Barbara I think you have to admit that temptation is all around for both men and woman and those with grate moral fiber choose not to hurt anyone else for their own selfish needs.
I blame HIM as he is the common denominator in the affairs. I also blame him for choosing to continue with his affairs and intentionally and relentlessly hurting me for his own pathetic pleasure.
If he can't (and doesn't) own up to his self destructive behavior then I can't continue to let him drag me down with him.
Jo, I respectfully disagree. I'm the other woman. I don't consider myself needy, insecure, or worthless. He is not the only man I'm seeing. I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to be tied down in a committed relationship. I was married for several years - years where I was controlled.
As far as this relationship going anywhere, it won't. I'm being realistic about it. I fill a void for him in his loveless, sexless marriage & he fillls a similar void for me. I'm also not a "home wrecker" because the marriage was broken - wrecked, long before I came into the picture. Men (& women) cheat for emotional reasons first & foremost. If his need(s) aren't being met, he will find someone who will meet those needs. Selfish? Yes. Which both him & I acknowledge. Guilt? Yes, some. What I'm doing for this woman is sending her husband home to her happy & satisfied. The sexual burden in taken off of her shoulders as this is one of their marital issues. These sorts of affairs aren't so black & white.
Evelyn..sorry I completely think you are in the wrong in every facet......please do not minimize your part here...sending her husband home and sexually pleased all that is out of the way...any affair is wrong in every single way ...I am trying to wrap my head around HOW in your mind there is anything OK about what you are doing. A marriage is sacred and you haev NO PLACE EVER doing what you are doing....I blame you more than him actually because a woman of class and grace would and could be a friend and would NEVER partake in anything with a married man. I am sorry if you are hurt but truth be told...you "behavior" is a disgrace to women. TRUTH
I found out 2 years ago that my partner (.age 74) of 30 years had an emotional affair with a woman in his tai chi class. I was devàstated as 28 years before I came home from work early and caught him sat in the dark ,in our home with my neighbour .time This neighbour was already in an affair with one of his work colleagues and had tried to befriend me. Because I trusted him completely, he managed to talk his way out of the situation eventually, but nevertheless , he could see that I was brokenhearted. I thought it odd that he showed me no compassion and continued like that , constantly critizing me and picking fights for the next 28 years! Also at that time, he convinced me that he'd become impotent and I felt sad for us both,but particularly him, as we had (I thought) a wonderful sex life. I loved this man so very much for all this time even though he remained cold and critical of me.
I had children and grandchildren of my own but was also grandma to his grandchildren. I loved his children and grandchildren so much.
Just two months ago, I found that he had been having a full sex only (his words) affair for 17 years after the day I came home and caught him They had been having sex while I was at work in my own home! In all this time, he had never once touched me intimately. And it hurt me so much. I was so in love with him for all this time.
Now , after the more recent affair , he wants me back. I've waited all these years for him to love me again but now, it feels just 'conveient'. And guess what? He now really IS impotent! All in all, he's wasted both his vital years and his love on other women. There is now a great void in my history with him that was just lies and deceit. I feel used and abused and missing a past. But I believe he now loves me. I can't feel that I can recover though. I have no savings as I spent all my money on holidays, clothes and the home I made for the man that I loved so dearly. He never spent a penny on me so ,was a result, he is now loaded. I'm now 69, still fairly attractive, (might. I say at this point that his sex partner never was!) but I feel beaten and without hope.