There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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Some people can be pretty loose with their definition of cheating until they’re on the receiving end of it. But if you find out your partner’s been exchanging intimate photos or video’s with someone else, you may suddenly find yourself wanting to know if sexting is cheating.
Most people – at least initially - think of cheating in terms of physical contact, anything from kissing to sex. But that’s certainly not the only way a person can cheat, especially in today’s digitally connected world.
Today, not only do smartphones and computers make life easier in many ways, but they also make cheating much, much easier. Sexting, for instance, has become very common.
One question you need to ask yourself if you’re wondering why sexting is considered cheating is, “Does it feel like cheating?”
It certainly can feel like it when your partner is doing it.
Sharing pictures of body parts or images of yourself in sexual situations with other people crosses the line of a healthy relationship boundary and is a betrayal of your partner.
Not all cheating involves sex, but the sexual element of sexting makes it feel like cheating for many people.
A great example of sexting and the problems it can cause can be seen in the life of ex-congressman and former New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner. His antics were made public and offer us a picture of what sexting looks like and the significant damage it can do.
The shame and embarrassment caused to Wiener, and all associated with his sexting behavior should be taken as a reminder that nothing is really private when it comes to texting or the internet.
The post below is one I published about this famous sexter. Carlos Danger, aka Mr. Weiner, who has quite the portfolio. After you read it, tell me if you think sexting is cheating or something that we should be okay with.
The biggest problem with cheating isn’t the sex, nor is it the other woman or man. It isn’t even the form in which it occurs - whether it’s flirting, becoming overly close with a coworker, too connected with someone on Facebook, watching porn, getting emotionally connected to someone else, or actually sleeping together.
No, the biggest problem with cheating is the breaking of trust with our partner and going outside the relationship for needs that are supposed to be met inside the relationship.
Some of the smaller actions like,
and even flirting can fall into a cheating grey area.
These actions can seem harmless enough, but if the energy, feelings, and intent behind them go beyond platonic even a little bit for either participant (even if they didn’t in the beginning), it really does qualify as cheating, or at least is micro-cheating.
Typically, micro-cheating is made up of little things each partner knows feels wrong, but defining exactly how they’re wrong can be challenging. And there’s an element of deniability that can make it easy to hide behind because there’s not actual sex occurring.
These things on their own will slowly erode your relationship’s trust over time.
Sexting, on the other hand, goes a step (or two or three) further than micro-cheating.
Don’t underestimate the fallout from sexting. Not only can it affect your current relationship, but it can also affect future relationships as well. Once you’ve cheated through sexting, especially if it becomes public as Wieners did, your ability to be trusted will be in question – forever.
There may also be professional or legal consequences. If explicit content is shared without consent and becomes public, it can have professional repercussions, potentially affecting one's career and livelihood.
Almost everyone texts. Texting in and of itself is neither good nor bad. And texting on it's own is also not cheating – unless it's with the wrong person for the wrong reasons.
It becomes cheating, however, when we share something with someone else that should belong only to the person we’ve committed ourselves to. Our bodies, intimate thoughts, and feelings, or certain parts of our lives should only be shared with our partners, unless there’s an agreement in place that says differently.
And for those who are considering it, I can tell you from my many years of experience in counseling couples that open relationships rarely ever work.
Doing these things damages the trust and intimacy with our partner, causing immeasurable pain and hurt. Once this happens, rebuilding things can be a long, difficult road.
In fact, rebuilding broken trust can be really tough to do without the assistance of a professional counselor because effective and productive communication is now incredibly challenging.
So, is sexting cheating? In a word – yes.
Sexting is cheating because it does all of the things described above. It,
If you still aren’t convinced, consider how you’d feel if your partner did the same thing – and be completely honest with yourself. I bet you’d rather they not.
Sorry, ‘Carlos Danger,’ but your sexting is cheating. And if you’re wondering, his wife thought so too, as it was one of the primary reasons she divorced him.
A note of caution to those who want to engage in sexing with their partner: While what’s done by consenting adults in the bounds of a committed relationship should be private, anything transmitted digitally is at risk of being seen by more than just the person for whom it’s intended. So, sexting is best avoided, even when it’s with your partner,
What do you think – is sexting cheating? Please explain your reasoning in a comment below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published April 5, 2014 updated on August 7, 2019, and updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Hi. My husband of 4 years has made it clear that he doesn't see sexting as cheating. I found out 2 yrs ago that he's been sexting multiple women since the day after we got married. I was heartbroken to find this out and confronted him. He told me that the only reason he did it was because he was tired of all the fighting over bills not being happy with his life. He swore he would never go physical with it because he loved me too much. Not even a few months later he cheated on me while he was supposed to be work. When I found out he swore he would never do anything like that again and swore that he would do anything to get my trust back. That lasted about a month before he started sexting again. Even after I got pregnant he continued to hide his phone from me and continue to sext other women. Now our daughter is 6 months old and he is telling me that he doesn't know if he is in love with me anymore because I can't let go of the past and leave him alone. He says he hasn't liked me since we got married back in 2013 but I'm still his best friend and he loves me. He wants to be in this life with me and our daughter but I'm not sure how to start trusting him again. Is there anything I can do to get him to see how badly his actions affect and hurt me or should I just give up and divorce him?
Jessica, I never give up where relationships are concerned - I've seen and helped many couples come back from infidelity and be stronger than ever. He needs to take responsibility for his behavior, but you can't make him change it. He has to want to do that. Read the other articles in the Cheating Spouse section for some suggestions about what you can do. - Dr. Kurt
Guess what people ,What if we show each other our partners email and the girl or guys emails on these messages probably we can help each other text each other here or on all cheaters where abouts so we can catch up to them all of them this will work iam telling you it will beat them up!!!!! Iam so serious...I been where your at only 9 months ago and iam so hurt and Def Angr.....y grrrrrrr really pist the hell up but guess what lmfao tho cause guys and girl or may I say men and women iam here fixing not only myself but us what do you think! ????????
I have been in a relationship for almost three years. I never thought i was going to fall in love with. In the past weeks, i noticed that he was reacting to provocative pictures on facebook. I became angry and wanted to search deeper. I cracked g
His emails and found sexual videos and pictures of women. I was devasted! This was a man that showed uncontional love, very humble and patient with me. I sent him packing a few day ago but I'm in love with him. Besides the videos and pictures, he was a great man. Please help!
Angie, Sounds like he has some great qualities, but like a lot of guys has succumb to all of the sexual stimulus in our culture. As a man, it's really hard not to. If he's willing to get some help and develop healthy strategies to manage looking at other women perhaps you can rebuild your relationship. -Dr. Kurt
Relationship here for almost 3 years as well. The personal sexting is cheating & reason to boot him out. I know I would!!! The naked pics & videos I myself have excused after so long! They arent going to stop imo. Butnif the videos are personal & not like porn videos like my boyfriend has that is def no excusable!! I would be livid. I have found what look like real pics but only a couple. So for now I cannot prove someone sent them. I thiught of getting in his google to ck but havent gotten farther than just picking up his phone & checking it. I figure slot now Im better off not looking when I have the chance sometimes, it just upsets me & we get into a huge argument!! As long as I know where he is, no bulls--t bar hopping, clubbing, all night trips I learn to deal with it because I truly believe he loves me he shows me that!! Men are curious, he says its like art, he likes looking, men do. Whatever huh. Just wanted to let you know my thoughts on this.
I have been with the best man i have ever met for 1.5 years. I have been going through some financial problems and when I asked my boyfriend for help he made me feel bad about it. I have a guy friend ,whom he knows from a long time ago and knows I'm friends with, who offered to help me out. He was just a harmless flirt. Anyway he asked me to send him a picture so I did. In return he gave me some money to help out me and my daughter. I have never touched the guy and would never cheat. My boyfriend found it and was so hurt and juat kept asking me why, what did he do. I told him i did nothing with this man but he doesn't believe me. I havnt spoken to my boyfriend since this happened it has been 2 days. Do you think he will ever forgive me? I never would have risked our relationship over this help from the other guy.
Disrespected, Hard to say - forgiveness is a choice some will make and others will not. You could help him make it by agreeing on boundaries you both will follow in your interactions with others. -Dr. Kurt