There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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Some people can be pretty loose with their definition of cheating until they’re on the receiving end of it. But if you find out your partner’s been exchanging intimate photos or video’s with someone else, you may suddenly find yourself wanting to know if sexting is cheating.
Most people – at least initially - think of cheating in terms of physical contact, anything from kissing to sex. But that’s certainly not the only way a person can cheat, especially in today’s digitally connected world.
Today, not only do smartphones and computers make life easier in many ways, but they also make cheating much, much easier. Sexting, for instance, has become very common.
One question you need to ask yourself if you’re wondering why sexting is considered cheating is, “Does it feel like cheating?”
It certainly can feel like it when your partner is doing it.
Sharing pictures of body parts or images of yourself in sexual situations with other people crosses the line of a healthy relationship boundary and is a betrayal of your partner.
Not all cheating involves sex, but the sexual element of sexting makes it feel like cheating for many people.
A great example of sexting and the problems it can cause can be seen in the life of ex-congressman and former New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner. His antics were made public and offer us a picture of what sexting looks like and the significant damage it can do.
The shame and embarrassment caused to Wiener, and all associated with his sexting behavior should be taken as a reminder that nothing is really private when it comes to texting or the internet.
The post below is one I published about this famous sexter. Carlos Danger, aka Mr. Weiner, who has quite the portfolio. After you read it, tell me if you think sexting is cheating or something that we should be okay with.
The biggest problem with cheating isn’t the sex, nor is it the other woman or man. It isn’t even the form in which it occurs - whether it’s flirting, becoming overly close with a coworker, too connected with someone on Facebook, watching porn, getting emotionally connected to someone else, or actually sleeping together.
No, the biggest problem with cheating is the breaking of trust with our partner and going outside the relationship for needs that are supposed to be met inside the relationship.
Some of the smaller actions like,
and even flirting can fall into a cheating grey area.
These actions can seem harmless enough, but if the energy, feelings, and intent behind them go beyond platonic even a little bit for either participant (even if they didn’t in the beginning), it really does qualify as cheating, or at least is micro-cheating.
Typically, micro-cheating is made up of little things each partner knows feels wrong, but defining exactly how they’re wrong can be challenging. And there’s an element of deniability that can make it easy to hide behind because there’s not actual sex occurring.
These things on their own will slowly erode your relationship’s trust over time.
Sexting, on the other hand, goes a step (or two or three) further than micro-cheating.
Don’t underestimate the fallout from sexting. Not only can it affect your current relationship, but it can also affect future relationships as well. Once you’ve cheated through sexting, especially if it becomes public as Wieners did, your ability to be trusted will be in question – forever.
There may also be professional or legal consequences. If explicit content is shared without consent and becomes public, it can have professional repercussions, potentially affecting one's career and livelihood.
Almost everyone texts. Texting in and of itself is neither good nor bad. And texting on it's own is also not cheating – unless it's with the wrong person for the wrong reasons.
It becomes cheating, however, when we share something with someone else that should belong only to the person we’ve committed ourselves to. Our bodies, intimate thoughts, and feelings, or certain parts of our lives should only be shared with our partners, unless there’s an agreement in place that says differently.
And for those who are considering it, I can tell you from my many years of experience in counseling couples that open relationships rarely ever work.
Doing these things damages the trust and intimacy with our partner, causing immeasurable pain and hurt. Once this happens, rebuilding things can be a long, difficult road.
In fact, rebuilding broken trust can be really tough to do without the assistance of a professional counselor because effective and productive communication is now incredibly challenging.
So, is sexting cheating? In a word – yes.
Sexting is cheating because it does all of the things described above. It,
If you still aren’t convinced, consider how you’d feel if your partner did the same thing – and be completely honest with yourself. I bet you’d rather they not.
Sorry, ‘Carlos Danger,’ but your sexting is cheating. And if you’re wondering, his wife thought so too, as it was one of the primary reasons she divorced him.
A note of caution to those who want to engage in sexing with their partner: While what’s done by consenting adults in the bounds of a committed relationship should be private, anything transmitted digitally is at risk of being seen by more than just the person for whom it’s intended. So, sexting is best avoided, even when it’s with your partner,
What do you think – is sexting cheating? Please explain your reasoning in a comment below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published April 5, 2014 updated on August 7, 2019, and updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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I just found out my husband was using the Confide app to text someone. I intercepted some and there were naked pictures of this woman. It's my understanding that you can't be on confide unless the other person confirms you so these aren't unsolicited. We are on vacation with our kids which makes it so much worse. He has always been flirty but this is too much. We have been married for 22 years. I asked him about it and he hid the feed and said he couldn't remember off the top of his head who the woman was. Then got very defensive and called me names for doing this again and not trusting him. I haven't told him how I know or what I saw yet but I really think when we get home we will have to talk about separation. If he is getting these messages and lying about it not to mention having the app and using it - I just don't know what to do. I don't want to spend my life not trusting and I don't want to show my girls that this is ok. Help...
Saddened, You need to address his behavior and set limits on what you'll accept, but I'd be careful not to jump to separating too quickly. Especially when kids are involved. Cheating is very tricky to deal with, so find a professional counselor experienced in it to guide you. -Dr. Kurt
What does this app look like? My husband cheated and bunch of stuff I believe he is still texting with her. Anyways I blasted both on social media, put her work # and her cell # out there. FAFO!!! IM NOT THE ONE TO KEEP PLAYING WITH. KARMA IS A BITCH.
I totally understand where your coming from and where your at it is extremely painful all I can say is time does help heal you may never fully trust her again but if you both work hard at your relationship you can get through it but she has to accept that it was her that made the decision to reply to him and that she is responsible for the problems it has now caused I wish you both the best of luck
Brett
Last year I caught my husband of 32 years sexting his best friend's 35 year old step daughter. He told her and I quote"I love you." He told her he couldn't wait be with her again and much more. When I confronted him he said he done it for attention and that he didn't have feelings for her i ask him if he didn't why he told her he loved her. His response was he didn't know. This girl ( didn't want to use word I have been calling her) had came to our house on many occasions. He said he loved me and I was all he wanted. Answer me this if that is so why did he do it? I don't trust nor do I believe anything he tells me. I am about to say let's just part ways.
Well this is the first I ever post anything on the internet. I am married for 5 years and found out late last year my wife have been sexting another man. I had confronted her about then and she promise it won't happen again. Well 2 days still have the gut feeling she didn't stop even after we talk about. I am feeling really hurt I don't trust her, I don't really know it I love her same. I am very confuse because of the type of person she is I didn't expect this.
I can understand how you feel, my husband sent me a message sent he intended for his sexting texter! When he was confronted about this he said ' it's not cheating it's just words' ! I expalined that to me it was cheating and he was giving somebody the attention that I should be getting. Bearing in mind that he has ED and we've not made love for two years. He said he was just trying to feel something normal. I said well I'm here ready and willing.
I don't think he's stopped which makes me ask if it is just texting. I've put up with his midlife crisis for 3 and a half years now and am almost at the end of tether.
We had such a lovely relationship until his ED kicked in he was loving, caring and physical, we've been together for 20 years, married for 15 this year.
Until the sexting I though we were beginning to get somewhere, but now I'm pretty sure he's doing drugs too, he's been sexting and has to go out for a beer at the weekend (He only has a couple then comes home), he never did this till his MLC.
I don't feel I can trust him at the moment, I feel that all the backing off I've done has made him feel he can do what ever he likes and all will be well.
I feel so betrayed after all the effort I've put into becoming a more accepting, relaxed person to be able to deal with his MLC.
I don't understand the need to text sexually to someon other than your partner.