You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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All marriages have struggles, and sometimes you feel more “in love” than at other times. That’s normal. But if things have been rocky for a while and you find yourself wondering how you can get your husband to love you again, it’s time for some changes.
Feeling like your partner doesn’t love you is one of the most difficult circumstances to face in a marriage. Knowing what steps to take next can be daunting.
Do you,
At Guy Stuff, we work with couples in this situation and get many questions from women, in particular asking, “How can I get my husband to love me again?”
Below is an inquiry from a woman wondering precisely that and my response.
If your relationship has been going through a lot of ups and downs, and arguments have become a regular thing, it might be hard to tell just how bad things have become. In all the busyness of life it’s easy for things to spiral downward unchecked, until one day one of you realizes you feel like the love is completely gone.
Just ask Alissa.
Reader Question:
How can I get my husband to love me again? He told me 5 months ago he wanted a divorce and that he wasn’t in love with me anymore. He was going to leave after the holidays. They came and went, and he stayed. He was going to leave in February, then it was eventually, and now it is after our daughter graduates. He asked me to attend his family's Easter dinner but still insisted he was done. I am not sure that he is, and that is why he hasn’t left even when I told him to. He won’t do counseling and doesn’t talk about his feelings. I feel he must still feel something if he hasn’t left or filed for divorce. I think my husband is having a midlife crisis and doesn’t know what he is doing. Is it too late to try and save my marriage and get my husband to love me again?” –Alissa
Alissa is in a far too common situation, especially during the middle years of life.
Her concern that her husband may be having a midlife crisis is a valid one. Still, it’s not the only possible explanation for what’s going on.
My Answer:
“How can I get my husband to love me again?” is a question I hear from women a lot.
First, we must remember that we can't ‘make’ another person do anything. A good phrase to remember is, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”
This is a hard truth to accept when you love someone, and they don’t love you back. However, fighting this truth just makes things worse.
Second, accepting your partner’s words is hard when their behavior is inconsistent and contradictory.
If your husband really isn’t in love with you anymore and is “done,” as he’s told you, then you’re right, it doesn’t make sense that he hasn’t left.
The reason he hasn’t is likely just as you suspect - he’s confused about what he wants and should do.
You may not be able to 'make' him love you, but you certainly can do some work to try to rekindle the feelings that brought you together in the first place. The best way to get your husband to love you again is by drawing (attracting) him back to you, not forcing him to love you.
What drawing him back can look like will be different for everyone.
Attracting him back to you doesn’t have to mean altering your appearance, losing weight, or anything else superficial. Although, if you’re physically unhealthy or feel uncomfortable with yourself, doing those things can do a great deal for your self-esteem and confidence. And increased self-confidence and self-satisfaction are very attractive qualities in and of themselves.
The key is to focus less on how he feels about you and more on how you can make yourself happier.
You can’t control someone else’s feelings or responses, but you can do things for yourself that create contentment, pride, and happiness. And it will likely get his attention when he sees you spending your energy on yourself rather than on him.
So, while there may not be an easy answer to the question, “How can I get my husband to love me again?”, there are several things you can do to move the affection needle closer to its original position.
This is also an excellent time to take stock of your feelings about yourself, the relationship, and your place within it. It’s possible that your internal discontent is part of what he’s seeing in you, and it’s not making him happy either.
Above all, don’t be desperate to keep him -- desperation is a big turnoff.
Your husband almost certainly has things he needs to change about himself. But it’s a big mistake to focus on these at first because he’s probably not willing to hear that from you right now.
It’s absolutely possible to bring the love back to your marriage. By looking inward first and making sure you’re the best version of yourself, your husband will be better able to see the things he fell in love with at the beginning and rediscover the love he once felt.
Making positive changes to ourselves can always change our relationships.
So, no, it’s not too late to get your husband to fall in love with you again.
Will any of this get your husband to love you again? I don’t know, and neither will you until you try.
I’ve seen some pretty cold hearts soften with this approach. I know it doesn’t seem logical to focus on yourself when you’re trying to get his attention, but doing this will ultimately give him the space he needs and you the opportunity to make any changes you need to make to give love the best chance.
If things in your relationship have been tough lately, and it feels like your husband doesn’t love you, your first instinct may be to beg him to talk to you about it or nag him about fixing things.
These approaches will likely backfire.
Keep the following things in mind if you want to know how you can get your husband to love you again:
How can I get my husband to love me again? Start where you can. Shift your focus to yourself and create happiness that isn’t solely dependent upon him loving you.
Wondering how to get your husband to love you too? Can you relate to any part of Alissa’s story? Please share your experience with others below.
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published July 28, 2012, updated January 09, 2018, and October 3, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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Nov 2016 my husband got laid off, in Jan he found a job in a big city and came home every other weekend. In June he decided to come back home and find a job near home, because he missed us. He returned in Oct got a job went through orientation then in 1 week turned back and went to the city again. I think this is due to our financial situation. Bills were due and I didn’t have enough to pay everything and still have food for the house. When he left he told me we were over. We had a long talk and decided he needed his space. For 4 months I gave him is space. He found a better job and return home in March, I thought everything was getting better then, giving him his space while we slept separately. He drops the divorce bomb. I have tried to be nicer, not talk about money, cook for him, every night; working on myself. We talked worked out a divorce plan, then a couple of days later to ask him if he was willing you work this out. He said let’s not worry about it and worry about fixing up the house. Monday he comes home in a bad mood, just huffing and puffing. Yesterday I come home from work and see divorce information on the coffee table. Today he filled out all the paperwork and starts filling mine stuff out. I reluctantly gave him all the information. I asked him if he is willing to try, he comments “I love you, but am not in love with you anymore and I am sure you’re not in love with me either.” I informed him it is not true, I have to resist the urge to hug him touch him kiss him every night with him right there in sight. He is not cheating on me he says, says he is not interested in a relationship now. I have asked him, what if 1year from now you realized you made the stupidest decision and he replies hopefully I didn’t burn the bridge. I love him with all my heart, I am still in love with him til this day. I don’t want a divorce and have been told that he will fight this if need be. We have been together for 16 yrs married for 8yrs; have 2 teenagers with one only 2yrs from adulthood. All this time he has not ask me what I think or try to work to improve our relationship. At this time I feel that he is done, he keeps telling that I can find someone who love me treats me better does the things I like to do, but all I want is him. Can I get him to see that and how or should I just grant him his wish. Also, what is this, I will always love you and be your friend bull. I am so hurt, by this I don’t want to associate with him once this is filed. All he can say is sorry he doesn’t want to hurt me, but still proceeding with the divorce. Is their any hope for me, I love him so much I am willing to wait, but not willing to verbally commit that to him. What can I do more, is there anything or should I just cut ties with him and go or separate ways?
I met a guy who I thought was the love of my life. It was so intense during the beginning of the relationship it was scary, but scary good. The second year things went bad. My father was in the hospital for over 7 months fighting for his life. During that time this man was on 2 dating sites, sending dirty emails on facebook to an old flame, and actually hooking up with his ex. I don't know how long that went on, but I was aware of it. He lied and hurt me to no end. Then he hit rock bottom and ended it. I forgave him, and we moved on. A couple years later we moved to a new town and a new start. He even had asked me to marry him. The first 2 years were great, but the last 2 were not. I had a hard time letting the cheating go, and often it found its way back into fights. He has a temper and so do I. Thing is we have now been together 7 years and recently after a fight he said it was over, that he loved me but was not in love with me. I guess we had been drifting apart, and the intimacy was gone. Things in this new town were not great. The first year he lost his job, due to what happened in the economy. He lost another job after that. The debt and bills piled up, and I think the pressure and stress and everything just escalated into our fights. He hasn't left, but I am not sure if it is because he has nowhere to go, or no money. I know in the past I have never given him space, because in the back of my mind I was worried he was cheating. I know I have to trust him, but now I am worried I have messed everything up. That we can NEVER get back to where we are. Both of us are having medical issues too. I am seeing a counsellor and getting medical help for my temper. He will not. He was never one to share feelings, but most men don't. Is this fixable or am I fooling myself?
My husband and I have been together for three and a half years, married about 2 years. Lately, I've gotten the impression from him that he's just super annoyed of me, and I really don't know what I'm doing wrong. It makes me really scared. I don't really bother him much while he's at work, usually a hi text, or to ask him what he wants from the store, or tell him something funny our daughter did. Is it normal for men to sometime just get in moods? Or am I doing something wrong? I swear I'm not trying to piss him off or annoy him. Please help me with some recommendations for a great book or a podcast about it.
My husband and I have been married for 12 years things haven't always been perfect he has cheating on me with more girls then I can count always came back and things were perfect for a while but it always happened again. We separated for 6 months about 7 years ago he lived in his moms basement sleeping around I took one night for myself away from our 3 children and slept with someone he has just told me after 5 years of what I thought was a perfect marriage that he doesn't love me doesn't want to be with me all because my 1 mistake and wants a divorce (he thinks he needs time to think) I honestly don't know where to even start to repair this he told me he has to force himself to be physical with me I haven't eaten in 4 days help
Hi Jennifer, It sounds like there are a number of issues that you and your husband need to work through. Unfortunately, without more information it's difficult for me to give you specific advice. I would suggest, however, that you and your husband consider marriage counseling. -Dr. Kurt
My husband and I have been married 10 years and he has recently said he wanted a divorce. He has done this to me probably three times already in our marriage. The last time was two years ago and it went on for about 4 months before he came back to being normal with me. We attended individual counseling and marriage counseling. This go around I honestly believe it has to do with his brothers recent tragedy death back November on Black Friday. He was in a car accident. My husbands emotions has been up and down ever since. Until about three weeks ago he said he wanted a divorce. He left, moved out. Six hours of being gone around midnight he texted me saying I was never going to forgive him for all he has said and he misses me and the kids. I replied back I forgive you. He came home the next day and things were a lot better between the two of us but it only lasted a day before he said he made a mistake by coming home. He has now been sleeping in the living room every night since May 1st. Yes he is still saying he wants a divorce and told me to go file repeatedly. I went last week to file, came home and he asked if I got it taken care of. I said no they have to draw up papers and it's a little bit of process. He said cancel that sh*t and I'll take care of it myself. Well that was a week ago and he still hasn't done anything because he doesn't have time. Honestly I feel like he is bluffing and full of excuses. We did have sex on Thursday. He was trying hard for thirty minutes and I finally gave in. I'm not really sure if that was good or bad choice. He was been a huge ahole though to me pretty much the whole time this has been going on which I don't deserve but he does sit down and talk to me for hours about our relationship. I don't know whats going on with him....I do know he isn't right and he is a very complicated man.