You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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All marriages have struggles, and sometimes you feel more “in love” than at other times. That’s normal. But if things have been rocky for a while and you find yourself wondering how you can get your husband to love you again, it’s time for some changes.
Feeling like your partner doesn’t love you is one of the most difficult circumstances to face in a marriage. Knowing what steps to take next can be daunting.
Do you,
At Guy Stuff, we work with couples in this situation and get many questions from women, in particular asking, “How can I get my husband to love me again?”
Below is an inquiry from a woman wondering precisely that and my response.
If your relationship has been going through a lot of ups and downs, and arguments have become a regular thing, it might be hard to tell just how bad things have become. In all the busyness of life it’s easy for things to spiral downward unchecked, until one day one of you realizes you feel like the love is completely gone.
Just ask Alissa.
Reader Question:
How can I get my husband to love me again? He told me 5 months ago he wanted a divorce and that he wasn’t in love with me anymore. He was going to leave after the holidays. They came and went, and he stayed. He was going to leave in February, then it was eventually, and now it is after our daughter graduates. He asked me to attend his family's Easter dinner but still insisted he was done. I am not sure that he is, and that is why he hasn’t left even when I told him to. He won’t do counseling and doesn’t talk about his feelings. I feel he must still feel something if he hasn’t left or filed for divorce. I think my husband is having a midlife crisis and doesn’t know what he is doing. Is it too late to try and save my marriage and get my husband to love me again?” –Alissa
Alissa is in a far too common situation, especially during the middle years of life.
Her concern that her husband may be having a midlife crisis is a valid one. Still, it’s not the only possible explanation for what’s going on.
My Answer:
“How can I get my husband to love me again?” is a question I hear from women a lot.
First, we must remember that we can't ‘make’ another person do anything. A good phrase to remember is, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”
This is a hard truth to accept when you love someone, and they don’t love you back. However, fighting this truth just makes things worse.
Second, accepting your partner’s words is hard when their behavior is inconsistent and contradictory.
If your husband really isn’t in love with you anymore and is “done,” as he’s told you, then you’re right, it doesn’t make sense that he hasn’t left.
The reason he hasn’t is likely just as you suspect - he’s confused about what he wants and should do.
You may not be able to 'make' him love you, but you certainly can do some work to try to rekindle the feelings that brought you together in the first place. The best way to get your husband to love you again is by drawing (attracting) him back to you, not forcing him to love you.
What drawing him back can look like will be different for everyone.
Attracting him back to you doesn’t have to mean altering your appearance, losing weight, or anything else superficial. Although, if you’re physically unhealthy or feel uncomfortable with yourself, doing those things can do a great deal for your self-esteem and confidence. And increased self-confidence and self-satisfaction are very attractive qualities in and of themselves.
The key is to focus less on how he feels about you and more on how you can make yourself happier.
You can’t control someone else’s feelings or responses, but you can do things for yourself that create contentment, pride, and happiness. And it will likely get his attention when he sees you spending your energy on yourself rather than on him.
So, while there may not be an easy answer to the question, “How can I get my husband to love me again?”, there are several things you can do to move the affection needle closer to its original position.
This is also an excellent time to take stock of your feelings about yourself, the relationship, and your place within it. It’s possible that your internal discontent is part of what he’s seeing in you, and it’s not making him happy either.
Above all, don’t be desperate to keep him -- desperation is a big turnoff.
Your husband almost certainly has things he needs to change about himself. But it’s a big mistake to focus on these at first because he’s probably not willing to hear that from you right now.
It’s absolutely possible to bring the love back to your marriage. By looking inward first and making sure you’re the best version of yourself, your husband will be better able to see the things he fell in love with at the beginning and rediscover the love he once felt.
Making positive changes to ourselves can always change our relationships.
So, no, it’s not too late to get your husband to fall in love with you again.
Will any of this get your husband to love you again? I don’t know, and neither will you until you try.
I’ve seen some pretty cold hearts soften with this approach. I know it doesn’t seem logical to focus on yourself when you’re trying to get his attention, but doing this will ultimately give him the space he needs and you the opportunity to make any changes you need to make to give love the best chance.
If things in your relationship have been tough lately, and it feels like your husband doesn’t love you, your first instinct may be to beg him to talk to you about it or nag him about fixing things.
These approaches will likely backfire.
Keep the following things in mind if you want to know how you can get your husband to love you again:
How can I get my husband to love me again? Start where you can. Shift your focus to yourself and create happiness that isn’t solely dependent upon him loving you.
Wondering how to get your husband to love you too? Can you relate to any part of Alissa’s story? Please share your experience with others below.
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published July 28, 2012, updated January 09, 2018, and October 3, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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My husband of nearly ten years told me he wanted some space to think. I moved in with my mom since he had no where to go. Then he told me he wanted a divorce. Over the next six weeks, he has gone back and forth. He will one day say he loves me and misses me and wants me back. The next he hates me and doesn't want to see me. He is angry with me because he says I ruined his chances of being something. I struggled to find a good job and he ended up needing to support me and our son. I also struggled with a birth injury, which very negatively affected our sex life, and some other illnesses that required me to miss work. Due to pain and difficulty with sex, I pushed him away. He felt unloved, unwanted, and unsupported. But I didn't realize til recently how much. I have really been examining myself and am horrified by my behavior. I have expressed that to him - how sorry I am. How I realize how much I hurt him and how I made him feel. That I want to try and do things right. He said he wanted to try too (several times), but after a few days he changes his mind and says I can't come home. He is too angry about the past and says that when he looks at me he's just reminded of all the pain. When things are positive, we have amazing sex (better than it's been in years) and really good times. Then he suddenly seems to freak out and backs off. I've been on a rollercoaster for weeks. I think he is going through a midlife crisis and is also depressed. He is seeing a mental health counselor and I am going to go to therapy but I fear I have already been too needy/clingy. I love him so much and I can't imagine not having him in my life. We also have a five year old and so will always need to be in contact in some way. He is not having an affair, but he has a female friend who loves him and would jump at him if given half a chance. She is so like I was when he and I first got together. I just know they will end up together and it kills me. He claims I am only interested in him now because I have a rival. That is not true. I left to give him space before I knew there was anything between them at all, and I loved him and wanted him back then. I have simply suddenly had a wake up call. I have taken a good hard look at myself and it's unpleasant. I never thought he was serious when he mentioned divorce in the past. I took him for granted because I thought we'd always be together. I am heartbroken and devastated. He says I have no ambitions. My ambition was to be a wife and mother and now that is gone. I don't want anyone else. He's the only man I've ever loved. I know I need to rebuild myself to have any chance of getting him back, but I'm so afraid that he will simply find someone else while I am doing that. He's my best friend and I don't want to not have him in my life. But I can't just be his friend and see him with someone else. Please. Is there any hope?
Hi L,
Just wondering how things are going with you and your husband?
Your comment resonated with me as my husband has just told me he no longer feels anything for me because over the past 18 months (since my mother passed) I have battled with grief and PND (after the birth of our 2nd child), we were constantly arguing and I threatened to leave a few times. He never told me at the time but now he says everytime I said that it took a piece of him away and he has now blocked all of his feelings for me because he was scared of being hurt. This has been a huge wake up call for me and I realise I had let my grief consume me, I neglected him and pushed him away and took him and our marriage for granted. Now that my eyes have been opened I just want a chance to make our marriage better but he says he gave me chances when he told me he needed more affection. He is so indifferent towards me, he says he's trying to get his feelings back but is acting like we're just roommates. I love him and our family more than anything and I'm petrified he's just going to throw it all away because he's only focusing on the last bad 18 months instead of the amazing 13 years we had before that. Sorry for this but I have no one to talk to and need to get it all out of my head.
I would love to talk to you I really need a friend that understands what I'm going through I need help i am loosing hope I want to do everything in my power to win my husband back
Hi Tammy, My husband told me on the 25th Nov 17 he didnt love me anymore & didnt feel the same anymore, it has broke my heart, can't eat cant sleep, Im just existing in limbo at the mo. we have 2 wonderful kids & he says he wants to stay for them. do you have any advice as to what you did to turn things around so we can try again?
It touched me when I read your husband is coming round, I feel you have given me the most hope I have had in 2 months.
Helen
Hi Katrina,
If I can be of some help/support to you please do get back to me - I'd be happy to help in any way.
Hi Dr Kurt,
Thank you so much for this article, I stumbled across it and am so glad I did.
My husband told me just over 2 weeks ago that he no longer feels anything at all for me, he feels hollow and doesn't have any interest in work, drinking (he'd normally enjoy having a couple of beers every other night) or fishing - which he loves. He said it scares him as he knows it's not at all like him but he's been meditating (unlike him) and thinks it might be a "spiritual awakening". He's Catholic and the things he's talking about (past lives etc) are so not in his normal belief system. He's so calm and even when I snap he doesn't fight back which really scares me too as he seems so indifferent. Anyway, the reason he says he doesn't feel anything for me is because we've had a rough 18 or so months, my mother passed away, we then had a 2nd child who was quite difficult and I believe I had postnatal depression. During this time I allowed my grief to consume me and was completely lost in the darkness of PND therefore I pushed him away and gave him very little affection, he also convinced himself that I was having an affair. I threatened to leave after a few big arguments and so he says he started meditating to protect himself and stop feeling for me as he thought I was done and our marriage was over. So now that he's brought this to my attention (why couldn't he do that 6 months ago??) I can absolutely see how I took him and our marriage for granted and have accepted my responsibility, apologised profusely and asked him to give me a chance to fix things. Initially he said I'd already had a chance and he was always speaking in negatives as though there was no hope (eg talking about leaving and dividing assets etc) but now he's decided to stay and "see how things unfold" to see if his feelings will just come back. So after a very strained 1st week where he just wanted space, we're currently living as though everything is normal (his suggestion), he's calling me after work and initiating normal conversations, he touches me (not as much as he used to and not really cuddling) and we're having sex (really good sex as I'm making the effort to enjoy it rather than it being a chore like I was treating it previously). He just doesn't feel anything, sometimes he'll say he thinks he's feeling something but mostly it's just nothing. Like yesterday he said if I left him for someone else he'd be upset and he had a dream that I died that "made his heart sore" but that's it. It kills me knowing that he's acting so normally but there are no feelings there. I mean, can there be NO feelings there if he's staying and saying lets just see if things get better and acting pretty positively towards me? I'm putting everything I can into making our marriage better and getting back to being a married couple instead of just parents but I'm still so hurt when I remember that he feels nothing for me. He won't go to counselling at all as he's embarrassed to tell anyone that he "meditated his feelings away" so if course I'm googling like crazy and from what I've read if he just ignores it then things won't heal and we'll have no chance of rekindling the longer he leaves it. He's open to me telling him what I'm reading and he tells me he's trying but he doesn't seem to want to do any of the things I suggest (to help break down the defense mechanism wall he built). It's just so confusing.
So back to your article, of course I freaked out and did the needy, desperate thing initially but now I have started making time to look after myself, walking and eating better and just getting out of the house and forcing myself to meet up with friends. I've been waiting til he texts or calls me and also offering him time to himself on his way home from work (so he might take an extra hour to get home as he stops somewhere or drives around). The thing is I'm torn between giving him space and lavishing him with affection because I know that's part of the reason we are here right now - me not being affectionate enough. And I can't seem to stop myself from asking him every so often if he feels anything yet.
Dr Kurt, going on what I've told you, do you HONESTLY think my husband could find his feelings and we fix our marriage, or is it all just him acting? Also do you have any tips please on what I can do when I feel myself getting upset or wanting to ask him if he feels anything yet? I don't want to pressure him but this is so difficult and he's the only one I want to turn to at difficult times which makes it hurt even more because I can't.