You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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All marriages have struggles, and sometimes you feel more “in love” than at other times. That’s normal. But if things have been rocky for a while and you find yourself wondering how you can get your husband to love you again, it’s time for some changes.
Feeling like your partner doesn’t love you is one of the most difficult circumstances to face in a marriage. Knowing what steps to take next can be daunting.
Do you,
At Guy Stuff, we work with couples in this situation and get many questions from women, in particular asking, “How can I get my husband to love me again?”
Below is an inquiry from a woman wondering precisely that and my response.
If your relationship has been going through a lot of ups and downs, and arguments have become a regular thing, it might be hard to tell just how bad things have become. In all the busyness of life it’s easy for things to spiral downward unchecked, until one day one of you realizes you feel like the love is completely gone.
Just ask Alissa.
Reader Question:
How can I get my husband to love me again? He told me 5 months ago he wanted a divorce and that he wasn’t in love with me anymore. He was going to leave after the holidays. They came and went, and he stayed. He was going to leave in February, then it was eventually, and now it is after our daughter graduates. He asked me to attend his family's Easter dinner but still insisted he was done. I am not sure that he is, and that is why he hasn’t left even when I told him to. He won’t do counseling and doesn’t talk about his feelings. I feel he must still feel something if he hasn’t left or filed for divorce. I think my husband is having a midlife crisis and doesn’t know what he is doing. Is it too late to try and save my marriage and get my husband to love me again?” –Alissa
Alissa is in a far too common situation, especially during the middle years of life.
Her concern that her husband may be having a midlife crisis is a valid one. Still, it’s not the only possible explanation for what’s going on.
My Answer:
“How can I get my husband to love me again?” is a question I hear from women a lot.
First, we must remember that we can't ‘make’ another person do anything. A good phrase to remember is, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”
This is a hard truth to accept when you love someone, and they don’t love you back. However, fighting this truth just makes things worse.
Second, accepting your partner’s words is hard when their behavior is inconsistent and contradictory.
If your husband really isn’t in love with you anymore and is “done,” as he’s told you, then you’re right, it doesn’t make sense that he hasn’t left.
The reason he hasn’t is likely just as you suspect - he’s confused about what he wants and should do.
You may not be able to 'make' him love you, but you certainly can do some work to try to rekindle the feelings that brought you together in the first place. The best way to get your husband to love you again is by drawing (attracting) him back to you, not forcing him to love you.
What drawing him back can look like will be different for everyone.
Attracting him back to you doesn’t have to mean altering your appearance, losing weight, or anything else superficial. Although, if you’re physically unhealthy or feel uncomfortable with yourself, doing those things can do a great deal for your self-esteem and confidence. And increased self-confidence and self-satisfaction are very attractive qualities in and of themselves.
The key is to focus less on how he feels about you and more on how you can make yourself happier.
You can’t control someone else’s feelings or responses, but you can do things for yourself that create contentment, pride, and happiness. And it will likely get his attention when he sees you spending your energy on yourself rather than on him.
So, while there may not be an easy answer to the question, “How can I get my husband to love me again?”, there are several things you can do to move the affection needle closer to its original position.
This is also an excellent time to take stock of your feelings about yourself, the relationship, and your place within it. It’s possible that your internal discontent is part of what he’s seeing in you, and it’s not making him happy either.
Above all, don’t be desperate to keep him -- desperation is a big turnoff.
Your husband almost certainly has things he needs to change about himself. But it’s a big mistake to focus on these at first because he’s probably not willing to hear that from you right now.
It’s absolutely possible to bring the love back to your marriage. By looking inward first and making sure you’re the best version of yourself, your husband will be better able to see the things he fell in love with at the beginning and rediscover the love he once felt.
Making positive changes to ourselves can always change our relationships.
So, no, it’s not too late to get your husband to fall in love with you again.
Will any of this get your husband to love you again? I don’t know, and neither will you until you try.
I’ve seen some pretty cold hearts soften with this approach. I know it doesn’t seem logical to focus on yourself when you’re trying to get his attention, but doing this will ultimately give him the space he needs and you the opportunity to make any changes you need to make to give love the best chance.
If things in your relationship have been tough lately, and it feels like your husband doesn’t love you, your first instinct may be to beg him to talk to you about it or nag him about fixing things.
These approaches will likely backfire.
Keep the following things in mind if you want to know how you can get your husband to love you again:
How can I get my husband to love me again? Start where you can. Shift your focus to yourself and create happiness that isn’t solely dependent upon him loving you.
Wondering how to get your husband to love you too? Can you relate to any part of Alissa’s story? Please share your experience with others below.
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published July 28, 2012, updated January 09, 2018, and October 3, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
Many husbands (and wives) are not "in love" with their partners any longer.
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Desperately seeking help. My husband and I just got married a year ago. We now have a beautiful 4 month old baby.
He came to me the day before thanksgiving and told me he is very unhappy and is going to leave me. He told me he loves me but he has no feelings, that he is emotionally disconnected. He told me despite marrying me last year he's been unhappy. He said I haven't been supportive, that I nag and complain about everything. He's very upset that I got myself back in credit card debt. I sometimes complained about his brothers, and he also finally had enough of that.
This man is my WORLD. I told him I will change and be that girl he fell in love with, that somehow I lost my way. I truly RECOGNIZE what he's talking about and I will never be that girl again! And I truly stand by my words and mean this! I keep showing and proving to him that I am not that mean girl! He tells me he sees it but he doesn't have feelings for me and its going to take time, that I need to give him time.
I am beyond devastated. What should I do? And when do you think he will realize he's still IN love with me? I need this man to realize I'm still that girl he met 6 years ago. I've noticed lately in the last couple days he's kinda been trying to make me jealous, in a sense of telling me he's getting checked out at work, or flexing his muscles in front of me-- I'm not sure if I should take this as a good sign or not? Every time we have a good day, or I say something about being with him, he always says "we'll see".
Please help me 🙁
Chelsea, Getting married and having a baby in one year is a lot of change in a year. Read the section Love Is Gone for some ideas, and this article may help as well: http://www.guystuffcounseling.com/counseling-men-blog/how-come-my-husband-doesnt-find-me-attractive-after-baby. -Kurt
My husband left 5 months ago last week he said he wants a divorce
It has been really bad and then ok. He says he still lives me but w e font trust each other, he cheated with woman on Ashley Madison site and I have lied to him.
I try to be civil to him but I am a mess and he seems like it's too easy for him.i still love him after 24 years 😞😞
Danielle I know this was a while ago but I would still like your advise on how to work this out. Thanks!
Hi Crystal, I wish I had checked this site sooner, but life got in the way and I forgot to. If I can help in any way please don't hesitate to leave me a message. Hope everything is ok for you - I see it was January when you left me your comment/message so hopefully things are good (better?) for you now?
My husband wants a divorce after us being together for 24 years. i am heart broken. yes, it was my fault i had a affair after i caught him talking to a very young girl 5 years ago. I guess you could say i never really forgave him but i didnt want to end my marriage and i had the affair i guess as payback but now realize that i should have had counseling instead. it has gotten violent between us with him holding my hostage in a car and taking stuff from me and him flattening my tires and so on....this is the 2nd epo i have on him.. the first one i had dismissed. I really still dont want a divorce and would love to figure a way to save my marriage but i feel that it will not ever happen for me and i am a emotional mess.
Melissa, This is a pretty complicated situation to give advice for in the small forum. Violence is never ok. I would suggest starting with professional counseling to get the issues out in the open and get the anger under control. In the meantime, read the articles in the Anger Management section, as well as Abusive Relationships, for some suggestions about what you can do, and where to go for help. - Dr. Kurt
My husband of 15 told me he wants to separate. I am devastated. He has made arrangements to go on an extended business trip for 3 weeks. He is going to place where he has made “new friends”. Friends that are fun and like to go out and experience life. When he told me he wanted to separate he was sad but cool. The conversation went back and forth and ended with him sobbing telling me that I broke him hugging me but asked me to sleep in a different room. He said that he has been unhappy for 2 years and that I haven’t listened to him. He says that he doesn’t feel loved or appreciated, that I spend all my time taking care of our children and have nothing left for him. He said this should be no surprise because we have discussed his frustrations over the past 2 years. I agree the past year has been awful for me as well. I thought it was due to his constant travel for work. He is not willing to do any kind of counseling. What worries me the most is that he is so matter of fact about it. He was so sad telling me and saying that he will always love me. This was worse than if he said he hated me. I fear that he has completely checked out. Of course I responded the exact way I should not have. Out of panic and fear. I asked or rather begged for another chance (UGH). I asked him not to give up on our family (UGH). I asked him if this involves another person (UGH). I am so afraid I am too late. He is not wrong when I look at things from his prospective. I needed a kick in the a--, I pray that we can fix our marriage. He is the love of my life. Is there any hope? Any advice would be greatly appreciated Jenn
Jenn, Yes, I always think there is hope, but you've got to change your approach and you'll need to be patient. Read the other articles i've written under the topic, Love is Gone. -Dr. Kurt