You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
5 Min Read
Contents
All marriages have struggles, and sometimes you feel more “in love” than at other times. That’s normal. But if things have been rocky for a while and you find yourself wondering how you can get your husband to love you again, it’s time for some changes.
Feeling like your partner doesn’t love you is one of the most difficult circumstances to face in a marriage. Knowing what steps to take next can be daunting.
Do you,
At Guy Stuff, we work with couples in this situation and get many questions from women, in particular asking, “How can I get my husband to love me again?”
Below is an inquiry from a woman wondering precisely that and my response.
If your relationship has been going through a lot of ups and downs, and arguments have become a regular thing, it might be hard to tell just how bad things have become. In all the busyness of life it’s easy for things to spiral downward unchecked, until one day one of you realizes you feel like the love is completely gone.
Just ask Alissa.
Reader Question:
How can I get my husband to love me again? He told me 5 months ago he wanted a divorce and that he wasn’t in love with me anymore. He was going to leave after the holidays. They came and went, and he stayed. He was going to leave in February, then it was eventually, and now it is after our daughter graduates. He asked me to attend his family's Easter dinner but still insisted he was done. I am not sure that he is, and that is why he hasn’t left even when I told him to. He won’t do counseling and doesn’t talk about his feelings. I feel he must still feel something if he hasn’t left or filed for divorce. I think my husband is having a midlife crisis and doesn’t know what he is doing. Is it too late to try and save my marriage and get my husband to love me again?” –Alissa
Alissa is in a far too common situation, especially during the middle years of life.
Her concern that her husband may be having a midlife crisis is a valid one. Still, it’s not the only possible explanation for what’s going on.
My Answer:
“How can I get my husband to love me again?” is a question I hear from women a lot.
First, we must remember that we can't ‘make’ another person do anything. A good phrase to remember is, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”
This is a hard truth to accept when you love someone, and they don’t love you back. However, fighting this truth just makes things worse.
Second, accepting your partner’s words is hard when their behavior is inconsistent and contradictory.
If your husband really isn’t in love with you anymore and is “done,” as he’s told you, then you’re right, it doesn’t make sense that he hasn’t left.
The reason he hasn’t is likely just as you suspect - he’s confused about what he wants and should do.
You may not be able to 'make' him love you, but you certainly can do some work to try to rekindle the feelings that brought you together in the first place. The best way to get your husband to love you again is by drawing (attracting) him back to you, not forcing him to love you.
What drawing him back can look like will be different for everyone.
Attracting him back to you doesn’t have to mean altering your appearance, losing weight, or anything else superficial. Although, if you’re physically unhealthy or feel uncomfortable with yourself, doing those things can do a great deal for your self-esteem and confidence. And increased self-confidence and self-satisfaction are very attractive qualities in and of themselves.
The key is to focus less on how he feels about you and more on how you can make yourself happier.
You can’t control someone else’s feelings or responses, but you can do things for yourself that create contentment, pride, and happiness. And it will likely get his attention when he sees you spending your energy on yourself rather than on him.
So, while there may not be an easy answer to the question, “How can I get my husband to love me again?”, there are several things you can do to move the affection needle closer to its original position.
This is also an excellent time to take stock of your feelings about yourself, the relationship, and your place within it. It’s possible that your internal discontent is part of what he’s seeing in you, and it’s not making him happy either.
Above all, don’t be desperate to keep him -- desperation is a big turnoff.
Your husband almost certainly has things he needs to change about himself. But it’s a big mistake to focus on these at first because he’s probably not willing to hear that from you right now.
It’s absolutely possible to bring the love back to your marriage. By looking inward first and making sure you’re the best version of yourself, your husband will be better able to see the things he fell in love with at the beginning and rediscover the love he once felt.
Making positive changes to ourselves can always change our relationships.
So, no, it’s not too late to get your husband to fall in love with you again.
Will any of this get your husband to love you again? I don’t know, and neither will you until you try.
I’ve seen some pretty cold hearts soften with this approach. I know it doesn’t seem logical to focus on yourself when you’re trying to get his attention, but doing this will ultimately give him the space he needs and you the opportunity to make any changes you need to make to give love the best chance.
If things in your relationship have been tough lately, and it feels like your husband doesn’t love you, your first instinct may be to beg him to talk to you about it or nag him about fixing things.
These approaches will likely backfire.
Keep the following things in mind if you want to know how you can get your husband to love you again:
How can I get my husband to love me again? Start where you can. Shift your focus to yourself and create happiness that isn’t solely dependent upon him loving you.
Wondering how to get your husband to love you too? Can you relate to any part of Alissa’s story? Please share your experience with others below.
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published July 28, 2012, updated January 09, 2018, and October 3, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
Many husbands (and wives) are not "in love" with their partners any longer.
Is your spouse Emotionally Detached from you and your marriage? Check out these 7 Signs of Emotional Detachment and see where your relationship stands.
© 2025 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
Hey...my husband left me for my best friend..she had a bf but he went to jail...she said and PROMISED that she lived my husband as a friend only!!! The min her bf leaves her , note she had feelings for my husband??It's been only 3 weeks..he keeps telling me is the past catching up mistakes I made!!!He moved us to a different home and is living with her..but I know and got proof she only using him for money..he says he has lost faith and won't give me a chance...someone help me PLEASE..I JUST want him home!!
Michelle, I've seen couples stay together after an affair, but it takes a lot of work from both partners. While he has to take responsibility for his behavior, you can't control it. You can control your reaction to it, however. Read the other articles in the Love Is Gone section for some ideas and suggestions. -Kurt
I been with my fiance 12 years he walked out on us last Tuesday he came back home on Friday sleeping on the couch he still calls and texts me every single day when he gets home from work he comes and checks on me but he says that he needs space and he is confused and doesn't know what he wants that's kind of confusing me so I just need some answers if someone can please help me is my relationship over with or do we still have a chance of saving it and what should I do.
Broken hearted, I never give up hope for relationships to work out and couples stay together. See the Midlife Crisis section (link is on the right of this page) for some ideas about what else may be going on. -Kurt
This forum has been uplifting to read as I'm experiencing the darkest days of my life. My boyfriend (we call each other husband/wife) of 10 years wants to separate because he feels like he is not in love with me anymore. He doesn't believe it can be saved. I was blindsided by this news, though, in the week leading up to the news I felt him distancing himself. We have been trying to have a baby and adjust to our new responsibilities (just purchased new home; he got a new job) so I feel like I've, unknowingly, put a lot of pressure on him which wasn't fair. I have always been the future thinker/planner and he is the live in the moment kind of guy. Being opposite, personality-wise, has made our relationship very stable and secure over the years. He is still living here and is treating me very gently. He cries with me as we grieve the end of the realationship together. He cuddles me at night and we are more intimate than ever. I have extreme separation anxiety now due to the situation we're in. I have been seeing a therapist. I am fearful to ask if he will still be leaving because I'm scared of the answer. He was supposed to leave yesterday but seems to have gotten too busy with work and is still here. He still wants us to have a baby. He says he wouldn't want anyone else to be the mother of his child. This is important to me because I'm 33 so all of my hopes, dreams, and eggs (literally) were promised to this life we have together. Are we just having a really evolved break up? Does he seem unsure of his decision though he says he's confident? Or is this how men process loss?
Hurting, I can't say what he is going through without knowing him, but I would guess there is more going on here than the pressure of buying a house and starting a new job. It's great you're in counseling and your counselor should be able to give you the tools to support you. -Kurt
My husband of 13 years has moved out, claiming he no longer loves me. I am DEVASTATED, and would like to know how Danielle was able to get her husband back. He has told me this before, but this time he actually got an apartment and says he's done. I feel like I can't even breathe without him. Any advise? How do you fall out of love with someone? I simply don't understand!
Please help! I have been with my boyfriend for 8+ years and living with him for 7years. At the beginning we had our ups and downs but then our relationship was great. He always never was satisfied with his own life but always seemed good with our relationship. Even when we did have fights when the emotions of the fight calmed down we always discussed how we can prevent this argument from ever reoccurring. We always spoke about how we have the best relationship then anyone else we know and how lucky we were to have each other. In feb 2016 I moved away to continue schooling for 2years. I asked him first how he felt and if we could survive this and he said of course. We thought when I get done with school we can get married and maybe have children. Every night we were skyping because we understood how necessary it was to have constant face time and communication. He then came out to visit me in July for 3 weeks and we had an amazing time. He even woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me how much he loves me and wants to marry me. Then at the end of October I told him I don't want to move back home and I would like the both of us to move somewhere else together. He replied with that he can't leave his mother alone. Then it was decided that if I didn't want to live there we can't be together and we separated. Two days later I realized I made a mistake and asked him to take me back, he didn't believe that I would be happy coming to live back at home and didn't want to hold me back. I spent the next 10days proving to him that home is where I want to be with him and our families. He said that he believes me but now he has to decide if he really wants this relationship. Several days later he says he doesn't want to be with me that something happened to him and now he doesn't feel anything for me anymore. He says he doesn't understand either because few weeks ago he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me but now suddenly he has no feelings. He thinks maybe subconsciously he had these feelings but didn't realize it. I just don't understand how several weeks ago he was saying he wants to marry me, he loves me so much, and he misses me so much. He says he isn't cheating and I believe him because he is surrounded by my family on a daily bases so they would know. I did beg him, I was desperate, I cried had anxiet attacks on the phone, I did become pathetic. So now it's only been a total of 3 weeks and I am going home tomorrow for 9 weeks. He said I can stay at our apartment and he will go stay at his moms house. Is there still realistic hope for us? How should I approach him? Do I try and meet with him? Should I talk about our relationship? Or treat him as a friend? Please help, I love him.
Ashliegh, I never give up hope where relationships are concerned - I've seen couples overcome really difficult situations and come out stronger for it. Read some of the articles in the Love Is Gone section as well as others the Marriage Advice section for some ideas on what you can do. -Kurt