You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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All marriages have struggles, and sometimes you feel more “in love” than at other times. That’s normal. But if things have been rocky for a while and you find yourself wondering how you can get your husband to love you again, it’s time for some changes.
Feeling like your partner doesn’t love you is one of the most difficult circumstances to face in a marriage. Knowing what steps to take next can be daunting.
Do you,
At Guy Stuff, we work with couples in this situation and get many questions from women, in particular asking, “How can I get my husband to love me again?”
Below is an inquiry from a woman wondering precisely that and my response.
If your relationship has been going through a lot of ups and downs, and arguments have become a regular thing, it might be hard to tell just how bad things have become. In all the busyness of life it’s easy for things to spiral downward unchecked, until one day one of you realizes you feel like the love is completely gone.
Just ask Alissa.
Reader Question:
How can I get my husband to love me again? He told me 5 months ago he wanted a divorce and that he wasn’t in love with me anymore. He was going to leave after the holidays. They came and went, and he stayed. He was going to leave in February, then it was eventually, and now it is after our daughter graduates. He asked me to attend his family's Easter dinner but still insisted he was done. I am not sure that he is, and that is why he hasn’t left even when I told him to. He won’t do counseling and doesn’t talk about his feelings. I feel he must still feel something if he hasn’t left or filed for divorce. I think my husband is having a midlife crisis and doesn’t know what he is doing. Is it too late to try and save my marriage and get my husband to love me again?” –Alissa
Alissa is in a far too common situation, especially during the middle years of life.
Her concern that her husband may be having a midlife crisis is a valid one. Still, it’s not the only possible explanation for what’s going on.
My Answer:
“How can I get my husband to love me again?” is a question I hear from women a lot.
First, we must remember that we can't ‘make’ another person do anything. A good phrase to remember is, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”
This is a hard truth to accept when you love someone, and they don’t love you back. However, fighting this truth just makes things worse.
Second, accepting your partner’s words is hard when their behavior is inconsistent and contradictory.
If your husband really isn’t in love with you anymore and is “done,” as he’s told you, then you’re right, it doesn’t make sense that he hasn’t left.
The reason he hasn’t is likely just as you suspect - he’s confused about what he wants and should do.
You may not be able to 'make' him love you, but you certainly can do some work to try to rekindle the feelings that brought you together in the first place. The best way to get your husband to love you again is by drawing (attracting) him back to you, not forcing him to love you.
What drawing him back can look like will be different for everyone.
Attracting him back to you doesn’t have to mean altering your appearance, losing weight, or anything else superficial. Although, if you’re physically unhealthy or feel uncomfortable with yourself, doing those things can do a great deal for your self-esteem and confidence. And increased self-confidence and self-satisfaction are very attractive qualities in and of themselves.
The key is to focus less on how he feels about you and more on how you can make yourself happier.
You can’t control someone else’s feelings or responses, but you can do things for yourself that create contentment, pride, and happiness. And it will likely get his attention when he sees you spending your energy on yourself rather than on him.
So, while there may not be an easy answer to the question, “How can I get my husband to love me again?”, there are several things you can do to move the affection needle closer to its original position.
This is also an excellent time to take stock of your feelings about yourself, the relationship, and your place within it. It’s possible that your internal discontent is part of what he’s seeing in you, and it’s not making him happy either.
Above all, don’t be desperate to keep him -- desperation is a big turnoff.
Your husband almost certainly has things he needs to change about himself. But it’s a big mistake to focus on these at first because he’s probably not willing to hear that from you right now.
It’s absolutely possible to bring the love back to your marriage. By looking inward first and making sure you’re the best version of yourself, your husband will be better able to see the things he fell in love with at the beginning and rediscover the love he once felt.
Making positive changes to ourselves can always change our relationships.
So, no, it’s not too late to get your husband to fall in love with you again.
Will any of this get your husband to love you again? I don’t know, and neither will you until you try.
I’ve seen some pretty cold hearts soften with this approach. I know it doesn’t seem logical to focus on yourself when you’re trying to get his attention, but doing this will ultimately give him the space he needs and you the opportunity to make any changes you need to make to give love the best chance.
If things in your relationship have been tough lately, and it feels like your husband doesn’t love you, your first instinct may be to beg him to talk to you about it or nag him about fixing things.
These approaches will likely backfire.
Keep the following things in mind if you want to know how you can get your husband to love you again:
How can I get my husband to love me again? Start where you can. Shift your focus to yourself and create happiness that isn’t solely dependent upon him loving you.
Wondering how to get your husband to love you too? Can you relate to any part of Alissa’s story? Please share your experience with others below.
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published July 28, 2012, updated January 09, 2018, and October 3, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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I'm in a similar situation and could use your help. I would really appreciate it.
Hello, Danielle. We've been married 19 years, 2 kids, 11 and 12. My husband feels I didn't show him enough affection. He moved out and had an affair. There is a small glimmer of hope. I can't even describe how anguished I am. What can I do to get him back? Thank you for your offer of help. I'm desperate.
Hi Danielle
Firstly, thank you for welcoming contacts. I just came to realisation that my marriage was in trouble when I told him to leave because he was so miserable. He did for one night but our 7 year old daughter cried all night for her Daddy. He came home the next morning. We said Hi and he's been home since. I didn't ask him where he was and carried on as if the incident never occurred. He has been very pleasant since and I reciprocate. Our little one is very happy but I wish to communicate with you as a sounding board to make sure I can continue this seemingly positive route. Would you be happy to communicate via my email?
Thanks
PS. I forgot to mention that he mentioned that I didn't love him and I treated him like a doormat!
I would like to hear your store and see where you guys are today.
My husband left me.we have a 1year old son.he says he never loved me and will never marry me.we dated 5years but when i graduated from college i moved in with him.i was jobless while he had a low paying job so that frustration with a toddler made me be an irritable,nagging wife.im so devastated coz he is on his 3rd relationship in a period of 6months.is there any hope of us ever reuniting if i give him space.we were young&i moved in together with him for convenience with no guidance on marriage at all.i was so strongheaded&he was still not ready to settle down.i hope time&maturity would one day open his eyes so that we realise what marriage is all about.
Junr, There's a lot happening here. Having a baby is a major life adjustment, as is moving in together and suddenly living with and supporting 3 people when he on his own. Giving him some space is a good start. Also, read this article as there may be some helpful information for you: http://www.guystuffcounseling.com/counseling-men-blog/how-come-my-husband-doesnt-find-me-attractive-after-baby -Kurt