You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
5 Min Read
Contents
All marriages have struggles, and sometimes you feel more “in love” than at other times. That’s normal. But if things have been rocky for a while and you find yourself wondering how you can get your husband to love you again, it’s time for some changes.
Feeling like your partner doesn’t love you is one of the most difficult circumstances to face in a marriage. Knowing what steps to take next can be daunting.
Do you,
At Guy Stuff, we work with couples in this situation and get many questions from women, in particular asking, “How can I get my husband to love me again?”
Below is an inquiry from a woman wondering precisely that and my response.
If your relationship has been going through a lot of ups and downs, and arguments have become a regular thing, it might be hard to tell just how bad things have become. In all the busyness of life it’s easy for things to spiral downward unchecked, until one day one of you realizes you feel like the love is completely gone.
Just ask Alissa.
Reader Question:
How can I get my husband to love me again? He told me 5 months ago he wanted a divorce and that he wasn’t in love with me anymore. He was going to leave after the holidays. They came and went, and he stayed. He was going to leave in February, then it was eventually, and now it is after our daughter graduates. He asked me to attend his family's Easter dinner but still insisted he was done. I am not sure that he is, and that is why he hasn’t left even when I told him to. He won’t do counseling and doesn’t talk about his feelings. I feel he must still feel something if he hasn’t left or filed for divorce. I think my husband is having a midlife crisis and doesn’t know what he is doing. Is it too late to try and save my marriage and get my husband to love me again?” –Alissa
Alissa is in a far too common situation, especially during the middle years of life.
Her concern that her husband may be having a midlife crisis is a valid one. Still, it’s not the only possible explanation for what’s going on.
My Answer:
“How can I get my husband to love me again?” is a question I hear from women a lot.
First, we must remember that we can't ‘make’ another person do anything. A good phrase to remember is, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”
This is a hard truth to accept when you love someone, and they don’t love you back. However, fighting this truth just makes things worse.
Second, accepting your partner’s words is hard when their behavior is inconsistent and contradictory.
If your husband really isn’t in love with you anymore and is “done,” as he’s told you, then you’re right, it doesn’t make sense that he hasn’t left.
The reason he hasn’t is likely just as you suspect - he’s confused about what he wants and should do.
You may not be able to 'make' him love you, but you certainly can do some work to try to rekindle the feelings that brought you together in the first place. The best way to get your husband to love you again is by drawing (attracting) him back to you, not forcing him to love you.
What drawing him back can look like will be different for everyone.
Attracting him back to you doesn’t have to mean altering your appearance, losing weight, or anything else superficial. Although, if you’re physically unhealthy or feel uncomfortable with yourself, doing those things can do a great deal for your self-esteem and confidence. And increased self-confidence and self-satisfaction are very attractive qualities in and of themselves.
The key is to focus less on how he feels about you and more on how you can make yourself happier.
You can’t control someone else’s feelings or responses, but you can do things for yourself that create contentment, pride, and happiness. And it will likely get his attention when he sees you spending your energy on yourself rather than on him.
So, while there may not be an easy answer to the question, “How can I get my husband to love me again?”, there are several things you can do to move the affection needle closer to its original position.
This is also an excellent time to take stock of your feelings about yourself, the relationship, and your place within it. It’s possible that your internal discontent is part of what he’s seeing in you, and it’s not making him happy either.
Above all, don’t be desperate to keep him -- desperation is a big turnoff.
Your husband almost certainly has things he needs to change about himself. But it’s a big mistake to focus on these at first because he’s probably not willing to hear that from you right now.
It’s absolutely possible to bring the love back to your marriage. By looking inward first and making sure you’re the best version of yourself, your husband will be better able to see the things he fell in love with at the beginning and rediscover the love he once felt.
Making positive changes to ourselves can always change our relationships.
So, no, it’s not too late to get your husband to fall in love with you again.
Will any of this get your husband to love you again? I don’t know, and neither will you until you try.
I’ve seen some pretty cold hearts soften with this approach. I know it doesn’t seem logical to focus on yourself when you’re trying to get his attention, but doing this will ultimately give him the space he needs and you the opportunity to make any changes you need to make to give love the best chance.
If things in your relationship have been tough lately, and it feels like your husband doesn’t love you, your first instinct may be to beg him to talk to you about it or nag him about fixing things.
These approaches will likely backfire.
Keep the following things in mind if you want to know how you can get your husband to love you again:
How can I get my husband to love me again? Start where you can. Shift your focus to yourself and create happiness that isn’t solely dependent upon him loving you.
Wondering how to get your husband to love you too? Can you relate to any part of Alissa’s story? Please share your experience with others below.
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published July 28, 2012, updated January 09, 2018, and October 3, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
Many husbands (and wives) are not "in love" with their partners any longer.
Is your spouse Emotionally Detached from you and your marriage? Check out these 7 Signs of Emotional Detachment and see where your relationship stands.
© 2025 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
My partner of 6 years and father of our 2 babies started messaging girls on social media about 2 months ago. He insists he hasn’t physically cheated but also admitted he is no longer in love with me. He said he will try to work things out with me and we will both go to therapy together but he also said he wants therapy for himself as he is the problem and not me. He doesn’t have a lot of hope as he believes the base of what makes a relationship work is no longer there and there is no way of getting it back. There is no spark, no sex, affection isn’t like before. I love him to death and I want to be with him forever, this is killing me and what hurts the most is that he is being very negative about therapy and although he wants it to work he doesn’t think it will. I don’t know what to do or how to start acting different so he pays attention to me again. This was shocking to me as he has always been more affectionate towards me than me towards him; he always does small gestures for me and I know he likes making me happy, so it’s so confusing to me why he started chatting to girls. The sexual attraction and the spark are gone so he could just be doing it because he feels sorry for me and just wants to make me feel ok… please advise what I need to do to get his attention again I don’t know if I should be more affectionate or give him his space even though we live together so don’t know how I could do this 🙁
My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together 15 years and have a 10 year old child. A few months ago he told me he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but thinks he is falling out of love with me. We agreed on a solution and he moved out a few weeks ago to get his mind in order. We still talk everyday and spend the night together once a week. But I feel broken. I know he's not seeing anyone else, but he doesn't think he's good enough for me. I'm doing my best to stay positive and give him space but it's hard and I miss him. I don't know what to do to bring hum back to me.
Bri, I have a video series I made for when one partner is falling out of love. It's about how to Get The love Back and is just for partners like you who don't know what to do. Use the link at the top of this page to learn more. It will give you exercises you can use to understand what's really going on and start you on the path to fixing it. -Dr. Kurt