Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
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Would you know what midlife crisis men symptoms look like?
A midlife crisis can happen to anyone. In fact, most people experience a distinct mental and emotional change during midlife and that’s completely normal. For the majority of them, however, this is more of a transition than a crisis.
There are some people though, especially men, who will experience a full-blown crisis. So, what are the symptoms of midlife crisis men?
Let’s take a look.
Men experiencing a midlife crisis can display a range of symptoms. Recently I worked with a woman, Angie, whose husband was acting strangely. Angie’s husband is a man experiencing a midlife crisis, although she didn’t realize it until we talked.
Angie told me about some of the changes she’d seen and asked me if these could be midlife crisis symptoms. She noted:
I explained to her that, yes, these can all be midlife crisis symptoms in men. The behavior seen in midlife crisis men can definitely look like one or all of these, and that’s not all.
Angie’s husband, Frank, has been doing the things she mentioned for the past 11 months. And despite how hard Angie has tried to understand, she just doesn’t get what’s happened with her husband. She says Frank used to think about others and now is focused only on himself.
When your spouse or loved one is going through a midlife crisis, feeling the way Angie does is very common. Midlife crisis men are particularly prone to acting selfishly and losing any capacity for empathy, especially when it comes to their wives or partners.
Wives and other family members often report that it seems to happen overnight, like a switch flips and he changed.
Trust me when I tell you, it didn’t. But seeing the growing symptoms of a midlife crisis developing in a man can be very challenging if you don’t know what to look for.
Angie asked me point blank,
How do you explain what happened to the man who once packed up the Thanksgiving dinner leftovers and took them to the homeless shelter, but now walks away from his crying kids without a care in the world?”
This insensitive and self-centered behavior isn’t anything like the man she married or the father her kids love. She’s even started to believe he doesn’t love her anymore, something she would never have thought of even a few months ago.
The symptoms of a midlife crisis can vary, but overwhelmingly it’s characterized by:
Angie went on to describe an interaction between her daughter and Frank.
I just want daddy to live with us. When can daddy live with us?”
6-year-old Jaden cried out as she sat in the car. When Frank approached she pleaded,
Daddy come home with us.”
Frank ignored her cries for him and quickly kissed her forehead, said goodbye and walked away.
Angie believes he was headed to the casino to meet up with the other woman.
As he walked away there was almost a neon sign on his back flashing, “MIDLIFE CRISIS MAN.”
Midlife crisis men behave in a way that defies common sense.
On the surface it looks crazy, but when you can understand what’s going on inside, the illogical behavior can be a little more understandable, even though it still is crazy.
Transitioning through midlife can cause many people to take a closer look at their lives. They begin asking themselves questions like,
This reflection can be a healthy reevaluation and allow for an appropriate resetting of priorities.
For some, however, all they can see is what they haven’t done, and they ask questions like,
And they determine it’s time to take care of number one – themselves.
Knowing there may be more time behind you than ahead of you can trigger regrets or even panic.
These thoughts and feelings will sometimes throw people into crisis mode and initiate bizarre and desperate behavior like Frank’s.
And although the inclination can make sense to some degree, the idea that someone might really risk their family, job, and life, rather than thoughtfully resetting goals and re-prioritizing, is hard to understand.
What we need to keep in mind is that, as selfish as it is, men with symptoms of a midlife crisis need help. Because their behavior is so damaging and self-centered, it can be hard to want to help midlife crisis men – the pain they cause often drives people away.
Without help, however, it can be difficult for midlife crisis men to recover, repair the damage, and re-engage with their lives and families, which is exactly what they need to do.
There are a lot of women like Angie – struggling to understand their husbands and save their families. Counseling women like her is what we do at Guy Stuff - we’re not just about counseling men.
If a man you love is dealing with midlife crisis symptoms, like having an affair, irresponsible spending, and abandoning their family, it’s time to get help.
Remember:
A midlife crisis does generally come to an end and midlife crisis men can begin to recognize what they’ve done and experience regrets.
The best bet for shortening a midlife crisis and limiting the damage is to seek counseling as soon as possible.
If you’d like more information on midlife crisis men symptoms and their behaviors, you can read more of our articles here - midlife crisis.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published December 10, 2011, updated on May 28, 2019, and has been updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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My husband is 36 we have been maried for 13 years we have 3 girls ages 17 9 and 16 months. about a month ago we got into an argument over our oldest daughter .. the silent treatment ensued and then a few days later i said we have to do something blah blah blah along those lines...
he said he isnt in love with me and doesnt want to be with me. we have been together 20 years. he has not left though he told me he would go to his mothers and has not even asked her if he could.. has made no metions that i am aware of to anyone that he is leaving and doesnt love me. we do not own a car so i worry he is only still here because of that but he has dont this in the past and my husband the one i know when decided on something usually none of these financial things would change his mind. he still sleeps in our bed but all the way to the furthest spot on his side of the bed. he doesnt hug kiss or give me any affection.. but he is home when he is not working.. i feel like he is having a midlife crisis and has been since the first time this happened about 3 years ago. none of it makes sense. any help >?
Jessica, Read the other posts on Midlife Crisis and Understanding Men for more tips. Talk to a professional counselor with or without him if you want more advice. -Kurt
Hi If someone had of told me I would be sitting here writing this 4 weeks ago I would have choked with laughter ...but oh so sadly true I am here and im feeling totally devastated.
My partner of 23 years came home from a three day business trip and announced he wanted some time to himself and would like a trial separation. He's 43 years old and has his own very successful business employing twelve other people. Hes always told me he totally loves me and cant imagine life without me . Now suddenly that has changed and over the past few weeks things have just got steadily worse. He has now told me he loves me but is no longer in love with me and wants to permanently end the relationship and start a new life which he doesn't want me to be part of. When I ask him about this new life he says he just wants to be happy and do something for himself. When ive asked him to seek help or just talk to someone he says he doesn't want to and that he's been considering this for months and come to the conclusion that both of us would be happier. Admittedly the last 8 months have been incredibly difficult as he just seems to work constanly and takes no time off to do anything else he works seven days a week and really long hours. When I suggested is unhappiness is perhaps due to the fact he just works all the time and has no ther outside interests he just says he thinks he does it because he doesn't want to spend time with me anymore. When I asked him about this he says its because we never realy have great times anymore together I have to say everytime we have been on holiday over the past few years he ends up sitting on his laptop working because of dedlines and things going wrong in his office. He has no outside hobbies out of work has stopped going the gym and says he feels a mess and in a rut. I have tried deeping into his thoughts and decisions but he just says he cant deal with all the emotions and guilt he feels for doing this. I have asked him several times is there someone else and he totally denies it as he asks where hes ever going to get the time as he hardly has any for himself. Having tried to instigate a conversation with him he has now told me he just wants to start a totally new life and he doesn't want me part of it, I asked him would it not be fair to discuss this but he just says hes thought about it for months and months and this is the conclusion he has come to, when I said I need time to understand what is going on he said hes scared I will just talk him into staying. I asked why would I want to be with a man who no longer wants to be with me and he simply said that's good we should just move on with our lives. I am totally baffled and don't understand how after twenty three years you can just up and leave someone without even discussing stuff. He is a very sensitive, kind and caring man who I love dearly but cannot understand why if hes feeling so sad and misearable he would want to do this.
I asked him yesterday if there was anything I could do to change his mind or decision or conclusions he has come to and he said no. He said he had moved on now mentally and drawn a line under this relationship....
I am totally devastated and don't knpw what to do or say anymore I feel totally hurt and let down. I thought we would be together forever, Ive not spoken to his family, few friends he has but I know they are all totally shocked and upset by this as well . Everyone has said it is so out of character and they thought if any couple would be together forever it would be us. He's now moved out of our home and into an empty house we are selling. I have also just learned he is in the process of buying another flat.
I would love any advise...
Kindest Reagrds a very upset and broken hearted girlfriend.
Jaki, Sorry for your situation and pain. You should get some idea on this website from other commenters that, sadly, you're far from alone. Read the other articles under Midlife Crisis and Love is Gone for ideas of what to do. The biggest thing is don't overreact and be patient. These things can change from day-to-day since he's probably confused too. -Kurt
My husband left around 4 months ago, he never returned from work sending a text saying he needed to take a few days, he was sorry to put me through his problems and felt so confused with his mind? Since then it has come to light that he had got behind with mortgage and other essential bills and had hid all this from me. He had also been working later into the evenings than he would normally. I had no idea about the financial situation or this fact that he must have been unhappy enough to leave. He has said he will come home in the future and has returned home for good on two occasions only to last one night. He says we are working on our relationship to make it stronger. I seem him 3/4 times a wee k, sometimes we go out together and have a. really lovely time but still leaves and won't stay. I have no idea where he is living, he denies there is anyone else, and is quite unkempt and has a shave about once a week.Since he has been gone I have become more independant and have a job. I am also more confident than I was when we were together, and he says he can see that I am different. My husband is 52 and we have been married 24 years together for 26. He sends me mixed message and I live in a constant state of limbo. He still wears his wedding ring and says he is working on coming back. He is now paying all the major bills and I wonder for how long he will keep doing so? Like other people have mentioned he is very much changed, selfish and aloof, nothing like the person he was before he left! I was hoping for some support, is he suffering from a mid life crisis? Does he not want to be married anymore? Is he depressed? Or is there someone else! What can I do? Do I wait for him and hope he sorts himself out or should I cut my losses and move on
Ellen, Those are all possibilities. It's your decision how long you wait, but it's good to hear that you have become more independent. It's still a bit early in how long this process can typically take, particularly if it's a midlife crisis, but I would begin to start to want to see visible specifics of how he's working on your relationship. Is he going to counseling? What is he doing to fix what's broken? There's only so long he can work on your relationship and not include you in it. -Kurt
Wow! I can't believe all of these women on here! So, I am wondering...do any men even go thru these same things? Anyhow, you ladies all sound like me. My husband and I have been together about 20 years, married for almost 18, and he just left us (2nd time, but the 1st time was like 7 years ago). Says he's coming back and to tell the kids (we have two, son 17, and daughter 14) he loves them and he'll be back--that he just needs to get his mind straight and he's so stressed, and he's not happy. Me, I've been fine. Except for this. It is amazing the pain that comes along with this--the way some of these men behave. And the drinking, let me tell ya. Gets off of work, goes to the bar. And for what? I know he gets to know many barmaids. This doesn't do wonders for me. And what about our kids??? They have to look at this too. His behavior, which is often times just angry, everything is just such a mess to him and life is never ever going to get any better, and bla bla bla. I just look at him like, really? What's wrong with our life? Can't you appreciate anything anymore? What the heck is wrong? I feel helpless. I don't know what to do to fix this. Well for one thing, I am not working right now. I've just earned a few college associate degrees and I'm looking for gainful employment, but have not found it yet. Not giving up, but anyhow, something tells me, even if I started working tomorrow, he would still not appreciate it. And the more $$$ that's in the bank, the more he'd only spend $$$ on beer! I know it. Even though I (and also a good friend of his) has told him, man, ur never gonna get to the bottom of your problems in a bar! So far, no other woman, or so he says. But, I wonder about that. Also, no sex. It's like neither him nor I don't want any. I treat depression anyway though, and the meds are not conducive to sex. Anyhow, I'm exhausted. Why SO MANY MEN acting up like this????? Middle age, so what? Accept life as it is, do the best we can, go on... I just do not get it. Anyhow, I'm wondering is mine is going to come home wanting a divorce. I don't know. That's not something I want, and my kids would also be devastated. Another concern I have is that his family lives 3 states away. I would not want him to take our kids away from me like that, 3 states away. I'm very worried.
Hi there, this is very long but I would so appreciate a response. I am in a mess really and not sure how to move forward; I am trying to work out whether my husband is in a midlife crisis, or whether I shouldn’t even concern myself with that. Together 12 yrs, married 7 (at the time of Bomb Drop), two young children aged 5 and 2. He is 38, I am 34. The history of him – Lost mum at young age, abandoned by dad, raised by grandparents who later suffered ill health too, has one sibling. Handled mums death badly (per family opinion). Feel he has always self-medicated slightly with alcohol. Before the kids came along we had lots of time for each other and many happy memories. Good marriage (and he hasn’t said anything to the contrary on this until the last year), lots of love and affection, good sex life. Kids came along, still happy but obviously life gets more hectic. For a few years has been moaning about his job but never made changes. He doesn’t drive, eventually last year started lessons but under duress. I, on the other hand, over the years together have learnt to drive, progressed in my career, and been studying as well as working full time. This and birth of second child left little quality time for us. I have always been strong minded and looked after the finances. H good around the house, supporting me while studying, housework, never one for going out with the lads or anything. I thought made a good team. 18 mnths ago, felt a distance between us, neither of us addressed it really. We plodded on. As an aside he also said a few times that he wasn’t sleeping properly and would lay in bed at night and think about death. A friend at work died suddenly and he was also approaching the age is mum was when she passed away.
About a year ago, after a couple of out of character weeks of him disappearing and saying he didn’t feel loved by me anymore and generally unhappy with life, he finally admitted that he was attracted to someone at work and also he had a one night stand with an ex six months prior (although this info came out at a later point). Swore it was first time he had been unfaithful and swore on the kids nothing physical had happened with the girl at work (at that point). She’s 10 yrs his junior, at that time she was living with her boyf but unhappy, he didn’t want to settle down as she did (he was younger than her) They shared an office at work, and had grown close, started off as emotional affair. H said he wanted our marriage to work, still loved me. I wanted to believe him, loved him, he had been a good H all those years. The next couple of months were awful, I was paranoid, things were tense. His contact with her continued, he played it down. He moved out a couple of times at my request, for short periods, but came back. We went through the motions but he was detached. He broke the law (out of character) was diagnosed with depression, went for some counselling and put on AD’s but these didn’t last long and he took himself off them. Nine months ago he said ‘I love you but don’t think I am in love with you anymore’. He was cold, said we had “ran our course” and “couldn’t make each other happy anymore” Asked him to leave again, couldn’t live like that, he didn’t want to go, but didn’t fight, I wanted him to fight for us?!
That was nine months ago, he went to live with this brother and hasn’t been home since, but I haven’t asked him either. After he left we had frequent contact, came to see kids, talked about suicide often, but never any attempts. We were intimate throughout (stupid of me I know) He was in contact with OW still; they had confessed love for each other. Over the past 9 months he has changed his mind a lot, unable to make a decision and stick to it. He spent Xmas with us, said it was over with her, wanted his wife and family back, but in the new year claimed too much damage done again. Then he discovered I had been on a date and changed his tune again. That lasted two days. The last three months have been limbo land madness, OW moved out from her Boyfs & in with her parents. She wanted to move in with my H. They went to look at rental properties together but he wasn’t sure it was what he wanted. Had many talks, said he didn’t know if he loved her enough (due to being intimate with me still), trust issues, said she was often hard work (not very chatty), didn’t know if she was worth giving everything up for, couldn’t imagine not growing old with me and raising our kids together and me being there if he was on his deathbed. He wondered if she was just someone who was there for him when he was in a dark place. Said she is immature and acts very young for her 28 years, plays video games all the time etc. He felt like moving in would really be saying goodbye to us but didn’t want to let me go, constantly second guessing himself, feeling the pressure to make a decision. About six weeks ago he seemed to be coming around, saying things like’ I want to make things right but I don’t know how, will you show me the way back’….. He asked me if I still loved him, wanted to talk about how we could move on, & a week after this said she was dumped because he loved his family and the life we had before, hated what it was doing to his kids, and believed that we could both change and work to make things better. I asked would he be willing to go to counselling, take things slow, he said yes, but was also very keen to know if I had been intimate with anyone else, which I confirmed to him I hadn’t. I said I wouldn’t go back to the paranoia of before, he couldn’t just move back in, rebuild slowly. Told him my fears. I acknowledged my own shortcomings but said ultimately he would need to earn trust and prove she was out of the frame. He said I made his head spin, made him question his decision. Has now done a complete U turn and has now virtually moved in with her and she has met my kids! Completely devastated at the turnaround. He said he had just realised that he had destroyed everything, I would never value him and that it would be worse on the kids to try again and it fail. I asked about his doubts about her, he said they’re still there but he is just trying to move on. Said sorry,he had wanted a happy ending for us, but it just wasn’t going to happen. He is moving into his brother’s rental that has become vacant, she has moved all her stuff in out of storage already, and the kids are staying there with them this weekend. It’s the house he lived in with this bro when I met him; it’s where we first had sex when we dated! His bro only moved out of it three years ago so we have spent many birthdays Christmases etc up there as a couple, family over the years. I do not understand why he would want to live in that house. The OW is clueless to the fact he has been intimate with meso recently and saying all this to me.
After his decision he was very cold towards me, but then last week we had msgs and he was saying how what he has done to me and the kids is eating away at him, he hopes she can make him happy but the burden of what he has done is weighing him down, he doesn’t know how to deal with it and doesn’t think he’ll ever find true happiness. A few days later I wore my heart on my sleeve and told him ( in msgs) he had broken my heart, and he should have come home to his family, fought for his marriage etc. He just said he didn’t fight enough but now its too late and he sees no other option. Only today I have asked if he is excited for his move, he said ‘ish’ when I asked why he said because it still hurts him how things ended with us and it makes him want to cry…….
I am sorry this is so long but wanted to give all the history, any feedback would be appreciated.
Does this sounds like MLC? I am trying to focus on me and I have been doing lots with friends and the kids so I am trying to grow and learn from this, but theres such a heavy weight in my heart. I don’t believe that he can truly throw it all away after all his indecision, or am I just in denial? I know break ups are never easy even for the one who has done it, so maybe I am just mistaking his guilt for regret? I think I have held on all this time as I have been scared to let go and let her have him ‘fulltime’ but maybe that’s what I should do? In a way I always thought this would have to happen – he would have to ‘play out’ the scenario with her. Is it likely to be a success? But that means he doesn’t value what we hadas he is willing to give it up for good? Or has he perhaps not even acknowledged that, seeing as I have been readily available as his sounding board throughout this whole situation.
CCBloom, Yes, most likely this is a midlife crisis. Although many factors you've described could be the cause more so than a midlife crisis. I can't say for sure without time talking to him. You haven't helped the situation yourself by always being there to take him back. If you feel like you've been walked all over, you're right, but you've allowed it. "I have been readily available as his sounding board throughout this whole situation." So changing your behavior is the first and most important place to start to work on - change yourself rather than waiting for him to change. If you change, he'll have to too. -Kurt
Hi Kurt. Thanks for your response. I know what you're saying is right, I need to detach from him. I know i need to develop myself and learn but heres my issue - when I asked him to move out I tried to get on with life and made lots of plans, always kept myself busy on the weekends he had the kids. He claims that he felt like I didnt need him anymore, he said it felt like I was glad to have him out of the way! I questioned why, on leaving, he pursued his relationship with OW, of he valued his marriage, he claims she showed love and affection and that she wanted him, whereas I didnt. I think maybe he is saying all this so that he doesnt have to take responsibility for himself? But when he says these things it makes me think this is all my fault. And also if I now concentrate on myself and moving forward, will he just think I no longer need him and am happy without him? I am not sure how to strike the right balance. We talked again this week and slept together. There is feeling there, I can tell with how we are, he is so loving and attentive. But again no proper boundaries from me I guess.we had msgs after I said dont do this if youre not sure (living with her), and said its never too late. He said he needs time to process things and that i have been the biggest love of his life. But at this very moment my kids are up there with him and her at their new address. So is he just stringing me along? The honest truth is I am scared of being "out if sight, out of mind" but i know this way he has no reason to worry because I am avaiable still so its still not going to lead to a happy ending. I need to be strong!
Ccbloom, Read you comment over a couple of times. There's a lot of insight and truth in it if you look for it. You're right - "he has no reason to worry because I am available still." What worry does he have that you've moved on if you're always there to prove you still love him. Yes, it is a balance, but lean more towards firmer boundaries. He pursued you when you first met and if he wants you back (by the way he's not showing it by living with her) then he can pursue you again. Follow your own advice and "be strong" (it draws them back). -Kurt