There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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You tell your husband you think he’s too friendly with a coworker.
He says he’s just a “friendly guy.”
You say he’s being too friendly.
He says this is just his personality and you’re not letting him be himself.
You say he’s crossing lines.
He says you’re insecure and trying to control him. You say he has no boundaries and doesn’t respect you.
So, who’s right?
Probably both of you.
While this exchange comes from a couple I’m currently counseling, I’ve heard similar arguments thousands of times.
Regularly a wife tells me she thinks her husband is too friendly with a coworker. And I get the same complaint from husbands about their wives as well.
To better understand what a friendly husband-coworker relationship means, let’s take a look at some of the most common questions wives ask.
No, being friendly is not usually considered cheating.
But friendly behavior can entail many things, and I’ve heard men describe actual cheating behavior as “just being friendly” many times.
People generally only have issues with their partners being friendly under certain conditions. So, the argument that “I can’t ever be myself” just isn’t true.
What are some of the most common triggers?
When being “friendly” is –
It's crossing the line.
But there’s nothing wrong with having an outgoing, friendly personality.
Are all fine.
But when these occur with any or all of the points in the first bullets it moves past being just friendly.
From the beginning of our marriage my husband has found the need to formulate secret friendships with women and to a point where his behavior is obsessive. The women have sent him revealing photos of themselves and he has made excuses as to why it happens. The latest case he connected with a female coworker and they exchanged personal cell numbers and texted excessively. At first he claimed the exchanges were friendly and work related. Most recently he admits that he did ask her where was the most risky place she had sex and she admitted with a coworker at work. I am absolutely crushed. I have no faith that things will change. When I confronted him while he was out of town he deleted all the texts.” -Sydney
So, why does Sydney think her husband’s too friendly with a coworker?
Let’s see –
Is Sydney’s husband “just being friendly” with his female coworker, or has he crossed the line and is cheating?
I would say, yes, he’s now cheating, even if it’s micro-cheating.
Why?
Because he has formed a mental and emotional connection with a woman outside of his marriage.
Cheating takes place in a number of ways – not just physical.
Potentially.
Being overly friendly certainly has the possibility of becoming an issue for your marriage and that’s where the problem really lies.
Most people dismiss the idea that a friendship would cross the line and insist they’d never let it (Sydney’s husband might even think this).
The reason this thinking is faulty is because most of them don’t really know where the line really is (This could be Sydney’s husband too).
It’s not like we’re having sex or anything.”
The truth is that affairs are almost always emotional before they become physical.
An emotional connection can develop very easily, especially in a work environment.
These connections are often misinterpreted as being “friendly,” rather than intimate. But close work friendships are frequently balanced atop a slippery slope that can lead right into an intimate emotional relationship.
Additionally, the impact this kind of connection can have on your partner is vitally important as well. Sydney says she’s “absolutely crushed.”
I can’t think of anyone I’ve worked with in my 20+ years of counseling who set out with the intention of having an emotional affair, but being too friendly with a coworker is exactly how many of them started.
So, yes, a husband being too friendly with a coworker can put your marriage at risk.
This is actually the most important question to ask.
The easiest and most common place to put your attention is on the other woman. Wanting to learn more about her, obsessing about her intentions, and doing anything you can to get her away from your husband are normal reactions.
This is a mistake, however.
Your focus needs to be on your husband and your relationship with him, not on her.
If your husband is being too friendly with a coworker there are a few things you need to consider.
Here’s another example:
I have been married for more than 21 years. We have two sons. I love my husband very much and my kids love him. 15 years ago he met a 7 year older than him woman (and not pretty woman) at his job and was telling her everything that happened between us. 5 years ago she divorced and he started an affair with her but I was not sure because he was telling me that she is only his friend and he is only emotionally friendly dependent on her. 3 years ago he moved to Canada (me and my kids came one year ago, he sponsored me to get my Permanent resident visa), and she still lives in our home country. But my husband talks to her on Skype every night for more than one hour in the basement. I have told him I love him very much. Many times I went to hear what he was talking to her. He is promising her that he will bring her in Canada, marry her. He also tells me that he will leave me and our kids. But she does not have visa to move to Canada, she is 56 years old he is 49, so I think he is misusing her to abuse me emotionally. Three days ago I moved to sleep in another room. But he continues to talk to her every night on Skype, and I really do not know how to change him. His father and brother have the same behaviour. I miss him very much but as a good husband. I do not want to divorce him. Is there any way to change him? Please advice me how to change his abusive behaviour? I cannot convince him to see a therapist. I know that with adequate help he will change. He is not a bad person.” - Lillianna
Lillianna’s situation gives an example of how far a friendly coworker relationship can go. We don’t know the rest of her story, but I’ve heard stories similar to hers that end with the husband leaving and divorcing.
He does.
But this is also a ‘we’ problem, which means the wife plays a part as well.
In Lillian’s case I’m not saying her husband’s behavior is her fault – that’s fully on him, but something’s also wrong with their relationship as I’ve described above.
I recently counseled a couple, Bryan and Lynn, who’ve been married for 23 years. He’d become too friendly and close with a woman in his office. It took some time in my work with them for him to stop the denials and minimizations and finally admit the friendliness had crossed line.
One of the factors we’ve discovered in our counseling is that his wife had become very critical of him, and as a result he no longer enjoyed talking with her.
So, guess who he found himself talking to more and more?
To fix the problem and keep it from happening again (which it often does), both partners needed to make some changes. And to make the necessary changes they needed to acknowledge that the problem is bigger than just his being too friendly with his female coworker.
My point?
Simple.
If you believe your husband is being too friendly with a female coworker, your response will be much better received by him if you’re willing to see it as a ‘we’ problem and not just a ‘he’ problem.
For Bryan and Lynn, approaching the overly friendly nature of his relationship with his coworker led to positive changes in the marriage. He’s opened up and been much more honest and transparent since she owned how her behavior affects him.
This can be true for you and your marriage as well if you think your husband’s too friendly with a co-worker.
While this article is focused on husbands becoming too friendly with coworkers, there are other types of relationships where this problem can occur as well.
Both men and women can be too close to their parents, siblings, best friends, gaming buddies, etc. I’m counseling two couples right now – one in which the wife is too close to her mother and the other where the wife is too close to her best friend.
Any relationship that begins to supersede the connection to your spouse and results in creating distance and distrust in your marriage needs to change.
So, even though conflict can arise when you ask your husband if he’s being too friendly with a coworker, you need to do it and not ignore it. The risks are just too big.
Do you think your husband is possibly too friendly with a coworker? Please tell other readers what that has looked like.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published April 7, 2022, and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Gosh does this sound like what I am living through today. It is way too much to text. My husband has been texting a female coworker and I accidentally saw it on his ipad. I had no idea. We have been married for 31 years. I was shocked. Text were all jokes and compliments. A few were wrk related. She calls him by his first name and not Dr. Blah blah. She is one of his nurses. He talked about her daily after wrk and my own son said it sounds like he is married to her. Hubs denies anything happened. Text were at 7 in the morning and in the evenings after 7! They are or were just friends he claims. Not friends any more he says. He says now he doesn’t have any friends. I have no issues with women friends. He works basically with all women. Never an issue until she showed up. Crying in his office with door closed. How inappropriate. He sees nothing wrong with it and he was helping her in her new stressful position. He honestly has no guy friends. I think he thrives on her attention and compliments. He feels needed. I have looked at our relationship and have become more aware. How does one get to the truth when the other spouse won’t tell it nor go to counseling? He now gave me his phone access code but texting has stopped, so it seems. He sd. they can chat via wrk messenger which I have no access. I feel disrespected. He sd. I demand respect. SMH. What a muck. I am too okd to be living like this. I have no career. Stayed home and raised our kids. Huge mistake. Advice?
Samantha, Go to counseling without him. You give him too much power by letting him determine if you get help. One person can work on the marriage and change it even if the other partner won't. -Dr. Kurt
I did go to counseling and I have been in for 6 months. I was given the book, Too Good to Leave or Too bad to Stay. Reading this twice and per my notes it appears I should leave. Other behaviors from him are being addressed; stonewalling, gas lighting, fibbing about texting avenues, no empathy for me but for his pts. and co-workers. No respect at times. One discussion down and more to go. I see some changes but continuing to talk, I no longer feel guilt from his come backs and still at times , I am confused! 4-6 months to note changes that need to be permanent or I am divorcing. He knows behaviors need to stop and were cyclical. I am mentally done. He has been told all and his first comeback was, “ I was thinking of divorce and the physical toll on me!” I don’t know whether to bel. that or not. I feel he was once again trying to throw me off! Too many psych games and I told him no more, this is not how you treat a spouse. My counselor really doesn’t add in much but I suppose I, we have to do the work. I told him I have been in counseling for our marriage! Thanks for your support!
Hi Samantha, Thanks for checking back in and giving an update. If you feel you're not getting enough help from your counselor then find another one. I had someone tell me yesterday that what they appreciate the most about my counseling is how practical and applicable it as I'm always giving them action items and homework. -Dr. Kurt
My significant other and I live together. He is texting/phoning his female coworker multiple times per day. She switched jobs recently and the chats continue. When I try to address it, he said something to the fact that I am insecure and I am trying to control him. Even if insecure part is true, would a loving partner use that against me?
No, a loving partner would not try to use any perceived insecurity against you! A loving partner would care more about his WIFE’s feelings than hers or even his own. I don’t think he respects you as a wife should be respected or he would stop that behavior immediately, ask your forgiveness and begin dating you again like before you got married.
My husband is a CEO of a company. I would always hear about Nicole in his office but never put much thought into it until recently he promoted her for no real reason, then during Christmas Eve he was texting her and she sent him a photo of her and her two kids and her husband. She's told my husband how much she's not happy in her relationship, she also tells my husband that she dresses her little boy exactly like him because he dresses nice and he's handsome. I just found out he lent her money from petty cash $300 and he buys her kids their favorite juice. I recently visited his office to find he has 2 sets of pictures on his bookshelf of her kids. I was about to confront him on what's really going on. He also mentioned to me he wants to eventually make her CEO. When I confronted him he took it back and said he was just kidding. What should I do?
Pam, You need to tell your husband you both need to go to marriage counseling. If he refuses, go without him. He needs to learn to set better boundaries, especially with employees, figure out why he doesn't do that with this woman, and you both need to learn how to show more love and respect in your marriage. Don't ignore this - there are red flags every where. -Dr. Kurt
I'm going through this now. I realize there is something I was not giving. We have had a lot of issues lately. And though I don't think he is having a emotional affair I do think he is micro cheating. It's hard though because the female is a employee. We are going to go to counseling. However I asked what I wasn't doing. And he said listing to him about work stuff which is his passion. He spends soooo much time at work and on work outside of work that I don't want to talk about it anymore. I want to talk about other things. And she is in the same profession and loves it as much as he does. I do think I caught what was going on before it got worse. But it's not stopping. He still talks about her a lot and likes every post she makes. And even tries to show me he's liking them and why. I feel insulted that he does that. I hope counseling will help. I also think he's going through a mid life change as am I .
My husband started working with a married woman he knew from years ago. I suspected an attraction back then, but she moved and all was forgotten. So here we are 12 years later and he is working with her again. He never told me until a year later and only because her name came flashing across the car Bluetooth. Of course, I was rocked and reacted unfavorably. More so, because he didn’t think it was worth mentioning to me. He accuses me of being overly jealous and not accepting of his friends. I just opted to trust him and be the version of me that he wants me to be. I have been feeling disconnected for a while and asked him to work on us. He said everything is fine and not sure what I’m fretting about. Fast forward, 3 years (2023), we’re involved in some big family projects and dealing with a lot of stress. Let me start with we have not had sex in 3 yrs! This past year he has been so awful and emotionally abusive to me. We constantly fight and I can never do anything right. One night I couldn’t help myself and went through his phone (he never lets me near it unsupervised) while he was sleeping and OMG! I read the text between the 2 of them. They’re were sexual undertones and flirty banter. This led me down the rabbit hole looking at dates and our texts to see what was going on with us at certain times. He spent an unusual amount of time with her whenever I had to travel for work or when we were having an especially bad fight. So I confronted him in an attack and he insist they are just friends. I explained emotional affairs and he thinks it’s all fun and innocent. We’re going to try counseling again..it’s actually his idea this time. Sadly, instead of being happy I see a red flag. Why now?