There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
7 Min Read
Contents
Most of us would like a happy 'how did you meet' story for our relationship. Something like love at first sight, eyes meeting as you each reach for the same napkin, or a mutual love for Alpacas that brought you together.
But when your relationship begins as an affair the story can feel tainted. In fact, the whole relationship can feel as though it exists under a cloud. Which begs the question - Do relationships from affairs last?
All relationships face challenges. But when your relationship begins as an affair there are many additional hurdles.
This can put a great deal of strain on a couple and lead to problems that the majority of people in relationships don’t have to face.
So, whether a relationship from an affair lasts is dependent on many things and requires considerations that are outside of the norm.
Affairs start differently than most long-term, healthy relationships. They’re generally born out of dissatisfaction with one or both partner’s current relationship.
Part of the appeal is that they’re forbidden, illicit, and overly romanticized.
The other woman or man is seen as ideal, intriguing, and possibly mysterious. And they represent all the things that the person cheating feels their relationship with their spouse or partner is missing. Often it’s the lack of intimacy and/or absence of romance that are blamed initially.
An affair addresses unfulfilled needs for a person - things that their current relationship isn’t providing.
Those needs may be,
or just a desire for fun.
Whatever those unfulfilled needs may be, an affair offers an escape from the reality of the daily grind and responsibilities.
This is where the problems begin.
Whether it’s an emotional affair or a sexual one, relationships that start as affairs are not built on a strong and honest foundation. They are built on fantasy, deceit, and a desire to escape.
For this reason, the partners involved in an affair don’t typically see one another clearly, or really even know each other very well until they have made the life altering decision to take things from affair to full-scale relationship.
Once they do there are often unpleasant discoveries about compatibility, personal habits, even morality and belief systems.
Add to that the fact that affairs don’t offer solutions to the problems a current relationship is facing.
So, if two people make the decision to leave their respective relationships (or one person as the case may be) and take the affair to a more permanent and public stage, they will have only compounded the problems they were facing initially.
The complications of leaving one relationship for another, especially if the initial relationship is a marriage, are tremendous.
Divorcing may seem ideal in a daydream, but the reality is quite painful, particularly if there are children involved.
So, the reality of a lasting relationship from an affair is far from certain. They just aren’t likely to have the right kind of foundation to sustain a healthy and happy relationship long-term.
If, against the odds, a relationship from an affair has a strong enough foundation to create a happy relationship, there are still other issues that will be faced.
One of the biggest is the acceptance by family and friends of the new situation.
Cheating spouses are not generally well thought of.
Even if the current relationship is fraught with issues, cheating on a marriage rarely receives understanding and approval from those close to the cheater. People may sympathize with the upset caused by a dysfunctional marriage, but no one would (or should) claim that having an affair is the answer to the problem.
There’s also often a general disdain for a person who engages in a relationship with married person.
They’re viewed as a homewrecker and with low moral standards. It’s a poor choice no matter how you slice it. And a choice likely made for the wrong reasons, like the appeal of someone who isn’t really available partly because it allows someone to avoid a true commitment and the responsibility of loving someone fully.
So, if you’ve been having an affair that turns into a relationship it’s almost certain that acceptance of the two of you as a couple will be a challenge.
In fact, there may be outright hostility directed at one or both of you. This kind of pushback and rejection can be very stressful on a relationship, which is another strike against a relationship from an affair lasting.
Trust is one of the cornerstones of a strong relationship. Without trust there will always be problems.
And from the moment a person makes a choice – yes, a choice – to have an affair they’ve shown they can’t be trusted.
Claiming, “It just happened,” or “I didn’t mean to” doesn’t hold water, nor does blaming your partner and accusing them of pushing you into it. Those things are really just ways of avoiding taking responsibility for a choice made.
Making the choice to break a commitment to someone else automatically brings trustworthiness into question.
If you’re trying to establish a healthy relationship on the back of demonstrated broken trust, it will be an uphill battle. There will always be the nagging worry that it could happen again.
Even if you feel like the match made through the affair is the “one” and your “soulmate,” trustworthiness will be questioned, and suspicions will arise anytime problems and stress in the relationship occur.
The likelihood of either partner ever really trusting the other is slim. They’ll always wonder if it could happen again.
It’s also likely that a feeling of shame and embarrassment will follow the couple whose relationship began as an affair.
Answering the question, “How did you meet?” will never be a comfortable one. Even if you spin it to hide the fact that your relationship started through an affair, the fact that it will always be uncomfortable to be honest about the way your relationship began can erode an already shaky foundation.
This isn’t to say that relationships that begin as affairs have absolutely no chance of lasting, but they do have a very steep uphill battle.
The truth is that most marriages that began as affairs will end up in divorce.
Whether it’s the,
or all of those things, making a relationship that started through cheating work is really hard.
If, however, you’re certain that your situation is different you need to have your eyes wide open for these issues.
You’ll also need to make concerted efforts to maintain strong communication and be prepared and open to seeing a couples counselor when needed. The obstacles facing a couple trying to make a relationship from an affair last will almost certainly need professional guidance at some point.
Dr. Kurt works with couples daily who have been impacted by affairs. He had this to say when asked if relationships from an affair can last,
You may be reading this as the partner of someone who is having an affair and want to know if it will last. The truth is affairs typically don't last. They all begin at the wrong time and place, and for the wrong reasons. As this article describes, the problems just compound from there. How long it takes for one or both people to realize this and do something about it is a whole other thing though. The drug of fantasy and escape can be pretty intoxicating. However, all romances come back to earth at some point and with affairs it's usually a crash landing. A word of warning to those who are in an affair and wanting it to last - the trust element is always a huge obstacle to overcome and typically acts like an acid slowly eating away at the relationship. I've worked with people 20 years later who are still struggling with it. So, don't fool yourself into believing it's not that big of a deal or that your situation is different."
Conversely, if you’re having an affair and considering whether to make the kind of life changes needed to make it a permanent relationship, it would be wise to press the pause button first.
Ensuring that you're actually in the right place to be fully engaged emotionally, legally, and financially in a new relationship will give you a greater chance at success than trying to force a relationship from an affair to last.
And you may just find that taking some time to focus on the relationship you’re trying to escape will bring back the things you thought were missing in the first place.
No matter how a relationship begins there will be ups and downs over the years. When a relationship begins as an affair those ups and downs will be amplified significantly.
Keeping a relationship that started as an affair strong and healthy can require and additional layer of work because one of the primary cornerstones – trust – is already weaker than it should be.
But it’s not impossible.
If your current relationship started as an affair or you’re considering taking an affair to the next level, there are some serious considerations to keep in mind:
If you believe the relationship that began as an affair is one you’d like to make permanent, your best bet for success it to focus on your current relationship and end it properly. This means really looking to see if the love is gone and never coming back, or just buried.
The reality is relationships from affairs don’t generally last for the long haul. The deck is already stacked against them, and most people in them have unrealistic expectations about the staying power of the relationship.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published June 18, 2020, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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I have read this article twice and it is very insightful and concurs with my thoughts on the subject of having affairs. I strongly agree with it and feels that is helps me a great deal in understanding why my husband is having an affair...an escape from the mundane everyday activities and grind that he has in our relationship (we work together and own a business plus have been in a 25 year relationship) to being in a fantasy world with someone else that represents more fun and escape from reality.
Great article!
My husband I’m 25 years left me for a woman 15 years younger than him with two baby daddies she was living with the last baby daddy she didn’t have a job. He told me that I made him unhappy and she made him happy and that he was in love with her. In the beginning I took it very hard but it took me a few years to get over it he is currently living with her and her two kids he has completely forgotten about his two teenage kids he still has with me I don’t get it I’m not saying that I was perfect but I think I was a good wife. Not to mention that he has cheated on me 15 years before this happened and I for gave him I told that other woman the leopard never changes its spots good luck but it’s been three years and they’re still together so maybe there’s something there I don’t know. Only thing that really upset me was that other woman was running out of her mouth telling me that my marriage was over and all kinds of crazy stuff and I told her you be very careful there’s two sides to every story.
I was with my ex husband for 26 years and 8 kids . I should have known my marriage would end in divorce. He cheated on me before we got married and 2 times after we got married that I know of . I tried to fix it with him . We went to counseling. He would have cell phones and hide them say the phones were our older kids and they have girlfriends putting their relationship in a bad place. This last female he met at work. She is also married with 3 kids . Through this divorce my children suffer and he doesn’t care . He sees the kids 4 days out of a month calls them maybe 3 times a month. I just don’t understand how people can neglect your own kids for someone your cheating with. Put your kids in the position to know about your affair because my 2 older sons worked at the same place as my ex husband and his girlfriend. I use to blame myself for his cheating but I know it’s on him . I just would wonder is there relationship really going to last ... He’s already telling her that he loves her and she’s the best thing that ever happened to him .
Hi.My husband of almost 30 years and 4 kids. Same thing. Lives with the affair partner.No contact with his kids.Complete abandonment in every sense. He doesnt even pretend to fight for his kids. Its so so sad. He pays nothing. Almost a year. He has helped with little. My stress and worry is beyond and all the while he is having a grand time building relationships with her kids while he ignores and neglects his own.Very confusing.
Nina, You're right that it's "confusing." In fact I'd say extremely confusing. I have a woman I'm treating right now who's in your exact shoes and struggles mightily with it. We work on how she copes and responds to his chaotic behavior and to minimize the impact on her and her 2 kids. Sounds like you could use the same kind of help. -Dr. Kurt
my husband of 25 years of me for a younger woman who has two baby daddies he told me that I made him unhappy and she made him happy and he moved in with her and her kids. He has forgotten his two younger children I don’t get it
My exhusand left me for a coworker 7 years ago and filed for divorce. It was the most heart wreaking experience I've ever experienced. I've been wondering if he was happy all these years and fast forward to today, his gf contacted me to let me know he is cheating on her now and how much she is suffering from his empty promises. For those who needs clarity, I think this article is very well proven with my own experience.
Hi Amanda, Thank you for sharing your story and giving more evidence that proves these true, but still sad points. I often find that one partner will use the experience to change and grow themselves, while the other one just keeps running and making the same mistakes over and over again. The great thing is you get to decide for yourself which one you're going to be. -Dr. Kurt
Hi Amanda,
You made my day with your article, my ex husband als cheated on me and made his gf pregnant, he married her now a few years ago and l wish l could see how they are doing.After so many years its still hurts me how he lied to me for years. l like to show him that lm living my life hopely he will regret, not that l want him back but just to know and see what he has left for that trash girl.
Thank you!
Misty
Thank you, Misty
My ex wife did this to me about six years ago. We have three boys together. The new guy was spending the night a few weeks after I was told to leave. She was engaged to him while we were going through a divorce. My youngest son recently told me he over heard her telling someone that the new husband had been talking a new women, not sure if he had an affair. Now he’s got a new job and apparently he’s done the same with a co worker, also not sure if an affair happened........but based on his past I wouldn’t be surprised. I wouldn’t be surprised if both of them have had an affair. She was married before me and cheated on her first husband, yes I was the man she cheated with. I got what I deserved for getting involved with her.
Karma is something all cheaters don't think that will happen to them and when it does, they have no idea why it happened to them. My ex wife left me for her affair partner because she thought she will have an easier life with him. Later I found out this dude is on his third marriage with ex wife, is still paying alimony and paying child support. Their relationship was crap from the beginning because they break up get back together and break up. They got married when she got pregnant unexpectedly. She is in debt and a lot of our mutual friends stop talking to her. Me, I am almost debt free, got a promotion at work and developing myself and doing things for me being married to a Narcissist, I think I won that fight, correction, I won that fight.
Great article