Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
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When marriages fall apart, it's pretty typical that one partner wants to end it and the other does not. The partner wanting to save the marriage then gets stuck (literally) struggling with how to know when your marriage is really over.
Knowing when a marriage is truly over is very difficult. And it’s a decision that should never be taken lightly.
You very likely didn’t get married overnight and you certainly shouldn’t decide to end things that quickly.
So, how do you know when the relationship is really done?
Unfortunately, there isn't a formula or a checklist to follow to get this answer. There are, however, some important considerations that can help you feel more comfortable with your choice.
Helping men and women decide whether to fight for their marriage or let their partner go is one of the things I do every day. It’s one of the benefits of marriage counseling, which is something I believe all couples should do before divorcing.
Why?
Because recognizing when a marriage is truly over is very tricky.
To illustrate what I mean, take a look at a note I received from a wife in just such a situation:
My husband and I have been together for 32 years, 27 years married with two boys, one 18 and one 23. He recently told me that he wants a divorce to find romantic love. He says he wished he loved me, but never did, because it would make it easier than getting a divorce. He said he respects me and will provide for me financially, but he wants to be married to someone with whom he has a ‘spark.’ He doesn't want to die without finding romantic love. He has been an excellent provider and good for our boys. He told me that he likes me, but never loved me. He told me that it is selfish of him to go for the divorce, but he needs that ‘spark’ in his life. Please advise. I am very confused. Should I fight for him or let him go? I do love him very much." -Shelley D.
Shelley's in a really tough spot.
The decision to fight for him or let him go depends a lot on whether she thinks her marriage can be saved. She’ll also need to determine what fighting for him actually looks like.
People often wonder if there’s a 'moment' when you know your marriage is over.
For some there may be, but it’s not a moment out of the blue – it’s a moment at the end of many other frustrating, sad moments, when one partner says, “I can’t do this anymore.”
The truth in Shelley’s case is that the "spark" her husband is looking for from another woman can disappear from any relationship if we stop nurturing it. But for many couples the “spark” isn’t actually gone for good – just covered over by all those sad, frustrating moments.
Many people mistakenly interpret the "spark" being gone as a sign the marriage is over, but that doesn't have to be the case.
The "spark" isn't just automatically there or not. It can be there at the beginning, fade, and come back again.
So, when it ebbs and flows, fades or even disappears, as it does in almost every relationship, it doesn't have to mean the relationship is over.
Relationships change over time. And as the saying goes, life happens.
Our focus goes to the practical parts of life that need to be handled,
These are big factors for nearly everyone, and life can become so overwhelmingly busy that there’s little time for other things – including maintaining the “spark.”
Over time, the day-to-day takes its toll on all relationships.
Once we forget about taking care of our relationship and putting time into keeping it strong and healthy, it creates opportunity for cracks to form.
Simply put, many of us take our relationship for granted and expect it to always feel the way it did in the beginning. When that doesn’t happen and we grow apart from our spouse, we often jump to, "It’s over – the spark is gone."
Another term people use rather than “spark” is feeling “in-love.”
It’s very common for people to also assume that when that “in-love” feeling is gone the relationship is over. However, just the like the spark, when the love fades it doesn’t automatically mean the marriage is over.
Determining when a marriage is over is much more complicated. There are many other things to consider before actually calling it quits.
Wives who are in Shelley's shoes not only want to know if their marriage is truly over, but also 'why.’
I'm often asked in situations like this -- Are these symptoms of a midlife crisis?
It's certainly possible, midlife crisis divorces do happen (and more frequently than necessary), but I can't say for sure for Sheila’s husband without more information.
So, what should Shelley do in response to her husband wanting out?
Here are a few things that can make a difference.
The truth is that many marriages go through times when one partner or the other wonders if things might be over. What helps some last where others fail is the ability to communicate and look at the bigger picture.
The moment you’re wondering if you should stay or go should be followed by many moments taking stock of your relationship, your lives together, and talking – seriously talking.
Ending a marriage should never be done in haste. Anger, frustration, and a desire to feel the way you did at the beginning, can cloud the judgement for many partners and lead to divorces that are often regretted later.
Before you decide your relationship is really over, remember the following things:
I've seen many men like Shelley's husband change their mind about ending their marriage. The true answer about how to know when your marriage is really over comes over time and is found through actions, not just feelings and words.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on July 17, 2014 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
Do you fear your Husband Wants To Separate? Find out the signs a Husband is thinking about Separation.
No one starts their marriage and family hoping for divorce. Learn how divorce effects your teens here.
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Hi
I have been married for 3 years together for 5. 10 months ago my son from a previous marriage got into trouble with the law and attorney suggested making a deal that my son leaves the state so I moved my son to Utah. My husband had to stay back for work. Now I’m ready to come home he is telling me I can’t come back. If I do it will be the end of our marriage. I’m confused because he says he loves me but that he is scared I’m going to come back and see he is a different person and I will leave him. He sees two different counselors and refuses to go to marriage counseling with me. He has become very distant and can’t answer my questions. I ask if he is still in love with me and he says I think so. I’m so hurt and confused. I love him so much but don’t know what to do.
I need help! My husband of 4 years decided to separate 4 days ago. We don't have kids together and he adopted my 2 children from a previous marriage. We have had a lot of issues from my past, not agreeing on parenting, trust and so on. We literally argue about once every month or two, but when we do, it turns crazy with yelling back and forth. Mostly Everytime we argue he threatens to want out of the marriage. 4 days ago he did just that. He separated our bank accounts and said he will make sure the kids and I are going to be ok but he needs to be alone and don't want a relationship ever again. This man is an alpha male, very confident, and successful at what he does, so I know he doesn't really need me. Thing is that he's been gone 3 days now, and if it happens that we text each other for some other reason, he always throws in a comment to that relates to the separation..such as..we shouldn't have bought that cause we are not going to need it..or..make sure that u take time for yourself alone before you get into another relationship. He also says how I don't have to leave right away, (yes I wouldn't want to stay in this house) and we can amicably go through this separation. I don't understand why he keeps mentioning the separation. I asked him to stop and that I understand his wish. Wouldn't a man that wants to separate try to stay away from me as much as possible? By the way these days he told me he stayed in a hotel to get work done and concentrate. He's coming back tomorrow. I'm trying to keep it cool, but it is so hard because I don't know how to get him back. I really love this man.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and we have 1 child together. I thought everything was great until one night I went to bed early and I got up and found him texting another woman (old friend from high school). It was nothing sexual, but it was about us and how our marriage was getting to be like roommates. He deleted her and all the messages, but it broke my heart. I felt betrayed. He swears it was just that one time and it was just stupid talk and he had been drinking...but I don't believe it. Now months have passed and we are getting better, but I still dont' fully trust him. We got into another fight about it and he said he loved me but he wasnt' sure that we could save our marriage cause we have spiraled so far down he isn't sure we can get out of it??? REally? So you don't even want to try? What does that mean? Should I take that as he doesn't want to try?
Hi Lisa, Betrayal, whether it's physical or not, can be very difficult for a couple to get over. It takes time and there are often set-backs that have to be dealt with as each partner works to rebuild trust. Just because it's slow going though doesn't mean it won't happen. If you are both committed and willing to put in the time and effort you can come out stronger on the other side. Have patience and make sure your communication is strong and open. All my best. -Dr. Kurt
Hi, I have read your posts and I can see there's a lot of couples out there who has the same issue as me. My problem is that, my partner and I don't have a strong communication, which makes our relationship really hard to work out. I cheated on her for a random girl but I still love my wife and I can't afford to lose her. Is there any advice you can give?
My husband and i have only been separated a couple weeks weve been married only 6 months we've been having a lot of trust issues bwtween us he doesn't trust me when hes gone and i dont trust him i accuse him alot of cheating he got tired of me just accusing and left he says its really over this time that he'll still help me financially until i get on my feet again but hes not coming back home he says hes not mad or anything but that hes glad he knows its finally over because even while hes gone i keep up with the accusing and stuff like that what do i do? I really want my husband back home i dont want to lose him completely we do also have a 3 month old little girl