Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Contents
Part 1 of 3
Jay is just an average guy – one of the many guys with a porn addiction.
But Jay didn't realize he had an addiction. He thought other guys were the ones who had addictions to porn, but not him because porn was just an occasional part of his life – not an addiction.
Porn was just a way to pass time for Jay, so he figured it was harmless. No one got hurt and it wasn’t causing a problem in his marriage that he could see.
An addiction to porn wasn’t something an average guy like him would struggle with he thought -- porn addictions were problems that lonely, reclusive guys had. He was married after all! Porn was for fun, to kill time, and relieve some stress.
In Jay’s mind watching porn was not a big deal and any suggestion that it was a problem was met with an eye roll and dismissed.
It’s just a thing all guys like and watch on occasion.
Sound familiar?
Many guys don’t even realize that porn has become a regular part of their routine. In fact, when asked, most guys would tell you they don’t look porn that often – just occasionally if the opportunity presents itself.
When they start to really think about it, however, a lot of those guys can begin to realize that porn is a much larger part of their daily lives than they realized. And that somewhere along the way their occasional viewing of porn became something they depended upon.
Here's how routine porn addictions can be:
Jay liked to watch Sports Center on ESPN after Charlene went to bed, but he would also channel surf and could easily find something 'entertaining' on Cinemax or Showtime.
He figured his behavior was all pretty normal.
Charlene knew about most of it, although there were some things she didn't know about – that’s normal too, right?
She seemed okay with it all and didn’t complain, so maybe she even liked porn a little too he thought.
What Jay didn't recognize was how much he came to rely on porn to relieve stress, escape, and just to be able to relax. He hadn't noticed how regular it had become.
What he couldn’t see was that, even as a normal, average guy, he'd developed a porn addiction.
Addictions are sneaky. No one starts anything with the intention of becoming addicted to it.
The cocaine addict doesn’t do his first line hoping to become a junkie, and the alcoholic doesn't take a drink doesn’t take a drink thinking that becoming a drunk is a good idea.
The same is true of porn addictions.
Porn seems harmless to most men (and to a lot of women too). It’s easy to think porn is not cheating, no one is getting hurt, and it you can stop anytime, right?
Well, not really. Porn actually causes many problems for the individual and their relationship.
So how does the average guy know if he has a porn addiction?
1. When you have a need for porn on a regular basis, or dependence on porn for sexual satisfaction, that's one of the signs of porn addictions.
Jay didn't know how porn changed his brain and created an even stronger desire to look at women in sexually explicit ways. He didn't see how late-night cable shows, surfing porn sites, and the occasional strip club visit fed his desire to see more naked women and watch more porn.
2. Requiring increasing amounts of porn for stimulation is one of the signs of addiction.
He also couldn't see the effects porn was having on his sex life with Charlene.
His sexual appetite had begun to change. He still wanted to have sex with her, but sometimes she couldn’t satisfy him, and he needed to spend time watching porn after they had sex in order to have an orgasm.
He’d also begun pushing Charlene to have sex in ways he'd seen on porn sites. He told himself it was in effort to keep things fun and interesting, but Charlene didn’t see it that way and she didn’t like most of it. His actions and requests felt degrading and as though they really had nothing to do with her – and the truth was they didn’t.
3. When your sex life is affected by viewing porn, that's one of the signs for porn addictions.
Jay and Charlene’s sex life had become awkward. She felt like he was acting like someone else and wanted her to be someone else too. He was making her feel uncomfortable, like she wasn’t enough for him, and wasn’t what he really wanted. As a result, the intimacy in their relationship was beginning to break down.
He’d also begun to have issues keeping an erection. This led to additional problems. Charlene couldn’t tell if there was a medical issue or if he just wasn’t attracted to her anymore.
What neither of them realized is that porn addiction can actually cause erectile dysfunction.
Porn addictions can often look like what many people would describe as pretty normal guy behavior – most guys just like to look at girls, right?
Yes, but addictions to porn aren’t normal, they're a problem.
If you’re a typical guy and think your porn habit is normal and not an addiction, keep the following things in mind:
If you think you may have a porn addiction, or know someone who does, don't struggle alone. Get some help from a counselor experienced in porn addiction.
Read Part 2 of Jay & Charlene's story - A Guy Confesses He's Addicted to Pornography and Part 3 - Porn Addiction Help for a Wife Who Finds Her Husband's Porn.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 13, 2012. It was updated on December 11, 2018, and now again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
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As I sifted through these accounts the pain is palpable. As women society and media are constantly telling us we aren't good enough. When faced with a partner who rejects us physically and emotionally this reinforces what we've been told all of our lives. This issues is not your boyfriends or your husbands issue to fix. Take the time to discover your value, your inner essence and humanity. The excuses/reasons he looks at porn are varied I'm sure. Stop getting caught up in the why. You have a choice. You are not a victim. You must decide if you want to continue to enable this behavior. You must decide if you want to play caretaker/healer to your boyfriend or husband OR do you desire to have an adult relationship? If you choose to have an adult relationship most likely you will separate yourself from this person and create a space where you can thrive. Porn...may be a hard habit or addiction to break. But you must know it's not your battle. It's his. He must be responsible for his healing. He must find his own way when he is ready not to please others or to be dragged there kicking and screaming by a domineering partner. You have your battles. He has his own. If you cannot remain in the relationship and maintain balance for yourself and be kind and gentle to yourself and to your partner. You have to bail. Remember that you do not have to emotinally invest, like or agree with anothers struggle... but you can stand by them. There is something to be said for standing by someone...for if we're always starting over with a new someone perhaps we will never know what love could have unfolded and where it would take us.
I've been having problems in my relationship when it comes to sex I have a high sex drive so one minute I want it and the next minute I don't but I always want to have sex regardless I've been in a relationship for 5 years the first two years was awesome (sexually)towards the 3rd an 4th year is when I started noticing he was watching open really hard we use to watch it together but if I turn it on now he would pretend sleep or go to sleep now if we have sex I would cum n would cum I'll fall asleep but awake cause he wouldn't be in the bed to later find him outside,on the car,bathroom,or on the porch jacking off to porn after we just had sex for at least an hour .If I want sex I'll kiss on him rub on me an even give him oral sex to get him aroused and he would say he tired so I started waiting until the weekend when he's off cause it shouldn't be an reason your tired to show me affection he never try to initiate first if he knows I been trying to have sex all week but I'll get up later that night cause he isn't in bed and he'll be jacking off to porn we probably have sex 2-3 out a month from having sex almost every day so now I feel like he wants sex from other people,he's not into me ,or he gay but the porn he watches is girl an guy so I know he isn't gay an we had our first child which is one years old now could that be a problem I don't understand if I always to have sex an he say he tired but later sneaking an creeping around watching porn what does it mean it's starting to make me feel not wanted it's makes me have an attitude so I don't say much to him in home and it's pushed in the arms of another man twice just for sex I love him and I know he loves me and I want my son to have both of his parents but I'm not happy and he doesn't know how to communicate he's never been in a serious relationship but that shouldn't mean anything he's a grown man his habit has start to make me feel insecure
I am not sure if I am doing this right... But I just wanted to thank you out of all the stuff I have looked for about this issue doesn't have Information that was useful I have been looking for months... Feeling alone isolated by his I mean blatant disregard for my feelings like just Jack of to pornography as soon as I walk out the door.... Goto do laundry he's doing it in his truck before work.... I was feeling ugly unwante insecure that he was no longer interested in me this could still be true but I learned it's just a other high for him. Something else to withdraw him from himself.... He can consume his self with it...I am done he's already been going to the next level.... Naughty dates sites but It's ok I know it's not me thank you for THAT....thank you
It saddens me knowing what this word has come to. So many kids have fallen into these temptations, I went to go pick up my nephew from school when he came out and there were a group of teenage boys sitting on a bench outside and gave him a porn magazine telling him to look at it. He came over to me and handed the book to me, it made me very furious and sad because these teenage boys were trying to get other kids to "feel the enjoyment". I got out of my car and threw the book away and told them that if they didn't stop I would report it. My nephew never came home telling me about those boys selling or giving away porn magazines. He was never picked on for my brother-in-law is the principle. I'm so happy that all you beautiful young women were able I get together and help each other with the pornography that your spouses or loved ones are going through. Please know that it's never to late to change or walk away. Please continue helping those in need.
Well, here I find I'm not so alone. I literally thought I was the only one, the only one who is bothered by this. Only because every girl I've tried to talk about this, and my insecurities about it, told me oh that's just what guys do. Or not to make a.big deal about it. Not one girl I talked to felt like I did. Betrayed, and lower than anything feeling inadequate to the point where I feel I have to change myself. (Body wise, bigger boobs, etc) My fiancé now, when I found out about his stuff, I knew he'd deny it so I thought about how to approach him. My heart was beating so fast I was shaking. Thinking about him watching it...I tried to be okay with it. I told him hey...its okay. But then...I found out he did it everyday...and now when I bring it up he gets mad and says oh I won't do it anymore. Obviously a lie, but I don't know what else to do. I hate myself even more, and I have to hold hard evidence for him to even admit to something (the first time I caught him I took pictures and only after I approached with the proof he finally fessed up. I am glad to see I am not crazy...and that it is normal for me to have these feelings. I guess the question now is what do I do now that I know I am dating a porn addict? Do I gather up all the patience I have and help him? Or is it a lost cause? Because from what I read and how I feel. I'd rather be alone and free, than being hurt by the love of my life where I feel like I'm being compared and judged just for being who I am.
I can only say this for my own situation. If I had know that my husband was addicted to porn when we were engaged, and had I known the kind of pain I would feel every time I found out about what he did and how often and when and where and what he was looking at, I would have ran for the hills. It is easier said than done but if he's already addicted and only confessed because you had evidence (which means he doesn't see a problem with lying to you to your face) I would suggest you leave and find someone else who will treat you with more honor and respect. At the end of the day there are soooo many men addicted to this stuff that i can't say you will find one who isn't, however, the lying and sneaking is my biggest worry because it shows that he's willing to jeopardize your trust for him so that he can continue with his behavior. To me that is the hardest situation to end an addiction in. Thankfully my husband was dying inside in his addiction and he really longed to not do it so when it was brought to the light we were able to work together. to this day I do not trust him. I ask him about twice a week how he's doing with the porn issue to make sure I keep him on his toes. He also meets with a mentor about it for accountability. Even with all of that I don't trust him. How I long to feel secure and to not worry about my sons catching him and being exposed! How I long to feel beautiful in his eyes. Even though he tells me I do not believe him because he's been looking at perfect women for so long. How I long to feel freedom in our intimacy!! There are many things I long for in our marriage that porn has stolen from me. At this point with children involved and his willingness to work through it to overcome, I cannot justify leaving. But had I known at the beginning, I would have never jumped into this boat. I was perfectly happy and content single and I felt so great about myself. I haven't felt good about myself in a very long time. That is no way to live. You will always be paranoid. There's just no way around it.
Thank you so much for that. Yes, when he asks me why I don't believe him when he says that I'm beautiful, I reply "you know why". You look at other women every day to every other day. I'm afraid thatif he were to quit iI'd have to worry about him moving onto actually cheating. Better of two evils aspect. I identify with this a lot though. He deletes his history...he knows I know but we don't talk about it now, because its easier to bury than dig up and deal. I do not want to end up resenting him...which I feel if this goes on I'll be on my way. I can't handle the lying and sneaking, and I can't stand the look of myself...I don't ever feel like dressing up...when I was single I'd gussy up everyday wear dresses everyday now I just don't see the point of trying to look good. After I found the P, I haven't felt the same. Of course I still love him the same, but I don't feel trust, secure, or adequate anymore. And it is eating me alive. I was glad to see, I thought I was being dramatic, since all my friends/associates I asked didn't seem to care and/or also watch it. It really does hurt. And even if its not a "first world problem" dating someone with a P addiction hurts your self image and the way you feel about yourself. And I can't live my life feeling like crap about myself. I don't know how you do it, but I hopeyou find peace inside yourself too. I try to keep in mmind... that a beautiful soul is way more precious than a beautiful body. And as a mother and a wife with patience like yours only the ones who really see who you are and how much you've dealt with will know. You just have to know now.
Tori I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. There's nothing worse than feeling like you're not good enough especially to the person you love most.
I have to say though that the best part is that you're not married yet and if you decide to leave it will not be as hard and complicated to do. I can say that if he's not doing anything to deal with his addiction it can get worse and eventually lead to cheating anyway.
We have a friend at church that went on a porn binge that stirred up all kinds of sexual fantasies in his mind. Long story short he is in prison right now for raping a girl at our church. Porn knows no boundaries. People addicted to it are open doors to all kinds of things and it's very easy to escalate into other types of perversions.
I do not want to tell you what to do, however I would strongly recommend reconsidering this relationship. There's no relationship if there is no trust, and do you really want to marry someone who makes you feel inadequate and ugly all the time? Honestly if I had known back then before marriage and children, there's no way on Gods green earth that I would have proceeded into into marriage with my husband no matter how much I loved him. it is not worth the effort, grief, drama, and essentially money.
I wish you all the best and praying that you will have wisdom and courage to do what you end up choosing to do.