Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
5 Min Read
Contents
Part 1 of 3
Jay is just an average guy – one of the many guys with a porn addiction.
But Jay didn't realize he had an addiction. He thought other guys were the ones who had addictions to porn, but not him because porn was just an occasional part of his life – not an addiction.
Porn was just a way to pass time for Jay, so he figured it was harmless. No one got hurt and it wasn’t causing a problem in his marriage that he could see.
An addiction to porn wasn’t something an average guy like him would struggle with he thought -- porn addictions were problems that lonely, reclusive guys had. He was married after all! Porn was for fun, to kill time, and relieve some stress.
In Jay’s mind watching porn was not a big deal and any suggestion that it was a problem was met with an eye roll and dismissed.
It’s just a thing all guys like and watch on occasion.
Sound familiar?
Many guys don’t even realize that porn has become a regular part of their routine. In fact, when asked, most guys would tell you they don’t look porn that often – just occasionally if the opportunity presents itself.
When they start to really think about it, however, a lot of those guys can begin to realize that porn is a much larger part of their daily lives than they realized. And that somewhere along the way their occasional viewing of porn became something they depended upon.
Here's how routine porn addictions can be:
Jay liked to watch Sports Center on ESPN after Charlene went to bed, but he would also channel surf and could easily find something 'entertaining' on Cinemax or Showtime.
He figured his behavior was all pretty normal.
Charlene knew about most of it, although there were some things she didn't know about – that’s normal too, right?
She seemed okay with it all and didn’t complain, so maybe she even liked porn a little too he thought.
What Jay didn't recognize was how much he came to rely on porn to relieve stress, escape, and just to be able to relax. He hadn't noticed how regular it had become.
What he couldn’t see was that, even as a normal, average guy, he'd developed a porn addiction.
Addictions are sneaky. No one starts anything with the intention of becoming addicted to it.
The cocaine addict doesn’t do his first line hoping to become a junkie, and the alcoholic doesn't take a drink doesn’t take a drink thinking that becoming a drunk is a good idea.
The same is true of porn addictions.
Porn seems harmless to most men (and to a lot of women too). It’s easy to think porn is not cheating, no one is getting hurt, and it you can stop anytime, right?
Well, not really. Porn actually causes many problems for the individual and their relationship.
So how does the average guy know if he has a porn addiction?
1. When you have a need for porn on a regular basis, or dependence on porn for sexual satisfaction, that's one of the signs of porn addictions.
Jay didn't know how porn changed his brain and created an even stronger desire to look at women in sexually explicit ways. He didn't see how late-night cable shows, surfing porn sites, and the occasional strip club visit fed his desire to see more naked women and watch more porn.
2. Requiring increasing amounts of porn for stimulation is one of the signs of addiction.
He also couldn't see the effects porn was having on his sex life with Charlene.
His sexual appetite had begun to change. He still wanted to have sex with her, but sometimes she couldn’t satisfy him, and he needed to spend time watching porn after they had sex in order to have an orgasm.
He’d also begun pushing Charlene to have sex in ways he'd seen on porn sites. He told himself it was in effort to keep things fun and interesting, but Charlene didn’t see it that way and she didn’t like most of it. His actions and requests felt degrading and as though they really had nothing to do with her – and the truth was they didn’t.
3. When your sex life is affected by viewing porn, that's one of the signs for porn addictions.
Jay and Charlene’s sex life had become awkward. She felt like he was acting like someone else and wanted her to be someone else too. He was making her feel uncomfortable, like she wasn’t enough for him, and wasn’t what he really wanted. As a result, the intimacy in their relationship was beginning to break down.
He’d also begun to have issues keeping an erection. This led to additional problems. Charlene couldn’t tell if there was a medical issue or if he just wasn’t attracted to her anymore.
What neither of them realized is that porn addiction can actually cause erectile dysfunction.
Porn addictions can often look like what many people would describe as pretty normal guy behavior – most guys just like to look at girls, right?
Yes, but addictions to porn aren’t normal, they're a problem.
If you’re a typical guy and think your porn habit is normal and not an addiction, keep the following things in mind:
If you think you may have a porn addiction, or know someone who does, don't struggle alone. Get some help from a counselor experienced in porn addiction.
Read Part 2 of Jay & Charlene's story - A Guy Confesses He's Addicted to Pornography and Part 3 - Porn Addiction Help for a Wife Who Finds Her Husband's Porn.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 13, 2012. It was updated on December 11, 2018, and now again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
© 2025 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
I found out my husband was looking at porn our whole marriage about 2 years ago. It was devastating for me because I felt like I lived a lie all those years. Now we are about to have our 9 year anniversary. After marriage counseling, him attending a recovery group for a year, having a sponsor (who he hasn't talked to in months), ordering a self-help program, my husband still clicks on porn links. It has been a horrible two years of going back and forth from not trusting to rebuilding and keeping my sanity afloat although I'm paranoid all the time. I just found out today that he looked at porn last week. He didn't tell his sponsor or anyone else and when I asked him if he was ever gonna tell me he said no. He lied about it when I first confronted him and he lied about how long he looked at it.
At this point I don't know what else to do. Every time I find out of another recent incidence I feel like I'm back at square one. At what point do I draw the line? I love him, I want him to be free and for us to be happy but if I'm honest with myself, I am not happy. Living paranoid and not trusting the one person who I should be able to be the the most open and vulnerable with leaves me so sad and hopeless about our future. I honestly don't know what to do 🙁
Mary, Your story shows how hard porn addiction can be to stop. Ultimately, you cannot do anything - he needs to do it. You've got to decide if you can keep living like this and with all that comes with it. I'd recommend talking to a counselor about your options. -Kurt
My boyfriend watches porn in the bathroom or when I go to bed before him I always know when he watches it because I'll try to have sex with him and he won't want it or he can't stay hard long enough for him to finish he gets defensive and trays to flip the script when I bring it up saying I've been going through his phone and invading his privacy how do I bring up how much it bothers me with out starting an argument
Amanda, my bf was the same. Very defensive about his busty lesbians. Siiigh. I can talk with him now without him shutting down and yelling. BECAUSE I changed my dialog after watching the 15min video: Ted Talks-The Demise of Guys. WATCH IT!! It explains from a scientific point of view about the chemicals in their brain. They get massive dopamine. After too long of dopamine doses- they go flaccid. Because another brain chemical shows up!! Since the introduction of high speed internet- men have lost their hard ons!! Not just the fifty year olds!! The 20-something's. Because their brain went straight to the overdose of dopamine without experiencing normal breeding wax & wane that nature provided. This constant 'click click click' to another "available" female sends their animal brain into overdrive. Same as ppl addicted to food. They continue yo feast but no famine is coming. So the obesity. And as with drug addiction- always chasing that first high. It's actually a brain chemical thing. --side note-- I was always kinda pissed at guys for always being horny-- but animalistically- they have to be. They must be ready for when our bodies signal we are fertile. Ever ready.
Also- a male yak takes longer and longer to cum of he's with the same ewe! But of another herd walks by- he could fk all of them and cum in 2min.
So, your bf prob thinks ur jealous. Don't make it about that. Make it about saving his hard on!! Try to get him to watch Ted Talks- The Demise of Guys!!!!
My bf hasn't stopped watching. But we don't fight about it anymore. Us ladies need to find some low-tech boyfriends lol
Del, What Zimbardo describes here is true and you're right about the impact of brain chemicals. However, porn is a little more complicated than just the chemicals, and your suggestion about making it about saving his erection is a little too simplistic for the complexity of the problem. Thanks for sharing. -Kurt
my husband has a real big problem with porn addiction and I dont know how to help him! where can we go what can we do? its going to end my marriage I honestly cant take it anymore!
Brandy, First, read the articles on this site under the tag Porn Addiction so you can learn more about it. Second, find a counselor like myself who specializes in treating porn addiction. Your husband needs to want to change and take the lead on this, not you. -Kurt
I'm really shocked, as a boy, too see so many tragedies happen around us only because of porn. I really feel sorry for all of you. Mistakes were made and now you should have a new start. Don't be afraid to take that step that will change your life! You don't deserve this mess! Our time in this world is limited. Do what you really want instead of wasting your time with some fools who don't even care about you. I know that ladies are often more sensitive than boys. So don't get fooled by boys charming little speench. I just want to say that thank you for all of you who share your stories. They have shock me and let me think in a new perspective. Remember, you are not alone and you will never be alone! I wish the best of luck to all of you 🙂