What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
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Contents
Everything is going great between you and him. And you start to get a little affectionate with one another. You don’t want to go any further though, and you tell him so. Then the angry bear comes out and a fight ensues. Afterward, you walk away asking yourself – Why do guys get mad when you say no?
I think a better question to ask is – Why is sex so important to men?
Maybe it isn’t anger you get in response. Perhaps your guy sulks or withdraws. But for a lot of women there’s negative response from their guy when they say no to sex.
What do couples fight about the most?
The big 3 are –
And the #1 for a lot of couples is sex.
There’s a very good reason why it’s a stereotype that women don’t want sex, because they don’t. Never has my wife of 22 years initiated, but I’m ALWAYS the one to give a compliment, do extra chores, ask how her day was. As soon as we had kids 20 years ago she figured she’s done, and this is what I hear from many other guys. It’s always the husband’s fault they have to work harder, wife has no blame for the lack of sex, ever.” -Ryan
Doesn’t Ryan sound just a little mad that his wife says no to sex?
A lot of guys tell me they have a “high sex drive.” In fact, a guy the other day said he’s “unusual” and has a “hyper” drive for sex.
This guy is having sex with his wife at least twice a week and says he still feels “rejected” by her. So, when she says no, he gets mad.
Another woman I talked to this week has sex with her husband as many as 4 times a week and it’s still not enough.
I’ve even worked with couples having sex 1-2 times a day and the guy is still not happy (I’ve had times where’s it’s been her that hasn’t been satisfied too).
Most guys aren’t happy with their sex lives. And their partners usually aren’t either.
What gives?
Why is it so hard for couples to find sexual satisfaction?
Nobody is going to be surprised to hear that sex is important to men. But why?
Some of it is really basic. Guys are wired to want to have sex. It’s a keeping the species alive thing.
Obviously, it’s a lot more complicated than that though.
Here are 4 key reasons why sex is important to men –
I have come to the realization that some women just don't understand HOW IMPORTANT intimacy is for men. Most men don't get married just for sex, but we sure as heck don't get married to not have sex and intimacy. Men wanting intimacy with their wife's is the ultimate show of loyalty, desire, and affirmation they can have for their wife’s and it just plain hurts when a wife doesn't realize that, or discounts it, or makes her husband (which has taken a vow to her) jump through hoops for her to be intimate. In my eyes it is the ultimate betrayal.” -David
David feels betrayed when his wife says no.
Let’s take the list above and use it to understand why your guy gets mad when you say no.
The majority of guys desire sex. Nothing new here.
What a lot of women don’t get is that men think about sex a lot. They also are often unaware of how much men get sex thrown at them. It’s everywhere. But if you’re not a man and not paying attention it’s easy to overlook this bombardment.
Having sexual images and messages sent at you all the time further feeds an already existing desire for it.
Men have expectations about sex. Frequently, a lot of them. And sadly, most of them go unspoken until they pop out when he gets mad about sex.
I have guys tell me all the time some version of this –
We haven’t had sex in a while, so I was hoping we could last weekend. I planned the weekend to give us the opportunity. Why else would I have taken her to such an expensive restaurant? I was looking forward to it all week. And, man, I had a rough week too! We get home from dinner and I open a bottle of wine and she tells me she’s tired and just wants to go to sleep. I lost it!”
Why does your guy get mad when you say no to sex?
Because he’s been thinking about it, planning for it, and anticipating it. Sex is not spontaneous for most men – it’s planned and expected.
And when this is a common pattern, as a lot of guys tell me, then the angry response isn’t just about the disappointment at that moment, it’s also all of the prior disappointments too.
Sex is one of the most misused areas in a relationship.
One of the ways it’s misused by men is as a stress reliever. Yes, sex makes you more relaxed and the chemicals released make you feel good. But its purpose is not to relieve stress. There are other, better ways to manage stress.
But, unfortunately, a lot of men rely on sex to relieve their stress. So, they come to depend on it. And they depend upon it for other reasons too.
This is one of the reasons why porn addiction is so common.
And why your guy gets so mad when you say no.
We all want to feel wanted. Sex is one of the most powerful ways this desire is conveyed between two people.
Validation is an important need for men. This is one of the reasons why job and financial success is so important to most men. While for women validation can occur in other forms.
It’s amazing how messed up your mind gets when you are a red blooded male and have a dead bedroom for months/years on end...starts playing games with your head. What am I doing wrong...am I just not attractive anymore...maybe its me...confidence goes downhill fast…Maybe the author could create a complimentary article...a ‘woman's version’ explaining how messed up it is to never initiate and/or live in a dead bedroom. How it kills your husband’s confidence, makes him much more likely to cheat. Good husbands deserve so much better.” -John Doe
Guys can get mad when you say no because many of them connect their self-identity and value to being desired sexually. This is an incorrect belief, but it’s common none the less.
Here a few more comments from guys on our article, How Come My Wife Never Initiates Sex? –
Men in this situation are frustrated, feel unwanted and may feel like they are just there to pay the bills. At least that is how I feel. My wife is so wrapped up in our kid’s lives who are now in college that she has zero time for our relationship.” -Scott
I'm frustrated, depressed and tired of feeling that it is on me all the time. Perfect recipe for an affair! Either way, I'll feel like scum.” -Anonymous
For years I thought my wife has never found me attractive.” -Frustrated
‘Try putting yourself in her shoes’ is echoed all across articles such as this, yet no one recommends the wife to put herself in the husband's shoes.” -Frustrated
I am not sure why women cannot/will not understand that men want to feel desired and wanted. The frustrating part for men is that it is so simple to address, and when it's not addressed it speaks volumes to a man about how his wife sees him as a man. It says you are not sexually desireable. Not a good feeling. Every now and then kiss your man, embrace him, tell him you want him now, and mean it. So simple.” -Mike
Notice a theme?
Finger pointing and blaming your partner is one of the biggest problems in relationships. And one of the most common areas where this happens is sex, especially when a woman says no to a guy and he gets mad.
But getting things to change requires a different approach. One that’s looking for solutions, not to blame.
Here’s an example –
I'm a woman who was considered ‘high drive’ in previous relationships. My current male partner wants sex at least once per day, and gets upset with me because I don't initiate enough. I explained that I don't have the space to let my desire build up to push me towards initiation. I'd have sex about 4 times a week if it were up to me. He continues to initiate sex almost daily even after these discussions, he sulks if I turn him down (which has only happened twice in the past 6 months), and we end up repeating the same conversation. How can we bridge this gap? I'm legitimately willing to meet him halfway, but it seems like all or nothing.” -Sally
Sally’s asking a great question – “How can we bridge the gap?”
One answer I have to this question is – look in the mirror.
Look in the mirror and ask yourself –
Why do guys get mad when you say no? Hopefully, you’ve now got a better idea of the answer. While every guy is different, there are many commonalities too.
Does your guy get mad when you say no? Please share with other readers what that’s like in a comment below and you’ll probably start a conversation.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Think My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive After Baby? If you think your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive After Having A Baby there may be more to it.
Most women don’t think of men as being shy or nervous in the bedroom. To many of us it seems like men have an envious amount of self-assuredness and confidence when it comes to their sexual abilities (warranted or not).
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Feeling angry and frustrated all the time is unhealthy and defeatist. Cut your losses and act according to the circumstances. If your wife takes your for granted and refuses to even acknowledge your perspective, seek help out of the house to have your needs met. She made the choice you merely took the path she set up for you
This comment made the most sense to me, I've tried to those same words together an never could get it right. Thank whoever you are.
Or maybe just divorce before cheating. If you can't find a common ground sounds like irreconcilable differences. No need to cheat, just divorce and be free!
I find the article informative, it gives some insight into why my husband acts the way he does.I think it should go on and advise our husbands on how they can cope with not getting sex at the time they expected it.I am the "Sally" in the article, and I need tools to bridge the gap, for my husband too.Been married for 14 years.I understand that in a shared (relationship) life,things cant always go my way (Sex included), hence there is need for a half way from husband and wife. Now when he is grumpy from not getting sex I get grumpy that he is grumpy lol and now getting to sex becomes more of a challenge than it would be if he had just accepted the break.I feel men feel entitled to sex and they need to deal with that, so that they accommodate their partners. Women should also go the extra mile to make it happen for their men, please don't starve your husbands!
Hi TM, Thanks for sharing a good example of what "half way" can look like, as well as how adjusting our expectations can really help. Thank you for sharing. -Dr. Kurt
Blah, blah, blah. 1st world problems. All sides. What we need to be asking our partners and ourselves is why don't we have conversations about sexual expectations or any expectations BEFORE we get married? Why aren't parents sitting their spawn down and saying "Look stuff changes when you are committed to another human being." Dont be so damn needy. That's not attractive to anybody. She says no get over it. And realize that if you d**k stopped working tomorrow you're still a valuable person. And chances are she'll still be next to your stupid self. He asks too much for it be happy he's still interested in you. And hasn't moved on to a younger thinner you. Fantasize about the hot dad down the street. Or your celebrity crush. Or masturbate but don't finish. Figure it out ppl. But if he or she is abusive in ANY WAY, RUN Don't walk out of that crap. Nobody deserves that. If he or she cheats instead of being a grown up and divorcing you. LEAVE! They have no respect for you and are a selfish piece of crap. Cut your ties and move the heck on. All the time we spend on talking about stupid crap could be better used with solving the world's problems.
This is an interesting article. first I wanna start by saying, I’m really sorry if you are a man that ties your self worth to sex. You are more than that. Sex is an expression and a joyful activity. Your wife may not have the equal desire for sex that you have, but that doesn’t equate her feelings for you. I hope that you all can enjoy a fun and passionate relationship where your partner desires you in a fulfilling way. Instead of planning sex, maybe try to play a fun game of turning her on. I think it’s more fun when both people are excited. When I’m not necessarily in the mood, my man is just so sweet and loving and knows how to create a romantic space. Throughout the time I spend with him, he looks more and more lovable and he treats me well I want to put smiles on his face. Do things he loves like he does with me. We are not always having sex, but when we do, it doesn’t feel like he’s just with me for sex. He is more than desirable. Even when he doesn’t offer me anything because he is a good man. Be a man that excites your wife, turn her on the way only you can. Not basic compliments or fake gestures. Real deep piercing eyes that push her on button. Play cat and mouse with her. Make her want it and she’ll initiate first. Self restraint is sexy. It starts outside the bedroom. Be fun so it’s something to look forward to. I hope you can find more sex in your future.
Hi Shay, Well said! Thank you for sharing some important advice. It's true! -Dr. Kurt
I found the article interesting and informative...up until you claimed sex is "misused as a stress reliever", that's the only part I really disagreed with...Sex is one of the greatest stress relievers there is- for both genders.
Generally, men strengthen the emotional connection through physical intimacy, it's reassuring...I don't understand why that's so hard for some people to comprehend. Likely the same people who "thought things were fine" and "this came out of the blue" when their partner either goes outside the relationship or breaks up. That's akin to shooting yourself in the foot then blaming the gun, and not your mishandling of it. Nobody owes anybody sex, at all...ladies its your body and nobody has a "right" to it...I just think there's a lot of misguided and disillusioned views regarding the affect of sexual rejection on men