There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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It used to be if you wanted to have an affair it took some effort. You had to arrange secret calls and rendezvous and sneak around -- not anymore.
Today’s technology has provided easier and easier ways for partners to cheat on one another. And sadly, text message cheating has become a simple way to cheat without much work at all.
What makes it even more confusing is that sometimes cheating via text isn’t even intentional. Regardless of intention, text message cheating happens a lot and can wreak havoc on a relationship.
Not sure what I mean? See if this sounds familiar.
Someone gets your cell number (a coworker, someone from the gym, a person you met at a party) and starts sending you friendly texts. Before you know it you’re having full conversations by text, sometimes several times a day. And most problematic is that because it’s by text you can do so anytime, anywhere.
It's pretty common for cheating partners to be cheating by texting messages right in front of their unknowing partner.
I've had partners tell me that it happened when they were lying next to each other in bed, riding in the car together, and standing in the kitchen talking to each other. The phone beeps or buzzes and the partner responds to a text that is explained away as just a friend or coworker, but is really the other woman or other man.
Here’s an interesting example of text cheating:
We have had problems since December when I found out she was in a texting affair. We worked through that, but in February she developed a very close friendship with another woman. I started suspecting something was not right with this friendship so I confronted her and she became mad and defensive. Well it seemed ok until she started texting her like 100 times a day, then she started running into to her wherever she went. I think they were doing it on purpose, so I asked her and she became very angry again saying I was over analyzing it." -Rick
Here’s another case showing men and women are equally vulnerable:
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3.5 years and we are both thinking about getting married. I love him, I love spending time with him, and I really want to be married, but I'm also very worried that I can't trust him not to cheat. From the very beginning it has been difficult for him to stop being always on the lookout for someone to flirt with or date, even though we are together. He had an extremely inappropriate texting relationship with a girl he briefly dated in college, which went on for the first year and a half of our relationship." -Tonya
All cheating causes pain, but because text message cheating can literally happen while together with your partner it can be especially hurtful. It doesn’t take physical contact with someone else to cause deep wounds and break the trust that’s so crucial to a healthy relationship.
As you can see, texting can cross the line and become a problem with any kind of relationship. It may not be physical cheating, but emotional infidelity, which can involve forming deep emotional connections or romantic attachments with someone other than your partner, is equally as painful and damaging.
So, what are some signs of text message cheating?
Here are 3 signs:
Another sign is,
More egregious ways cheating via text occurs are:
The boundaries of what constitutes cheating can vary from one relationship to another. It's crucial to have open and honest communication with your partner about what’s considered acceptable and unacceptable behavior within your relationship.
Unfortunately, today's technology offers many ways to have a texting affair and keep it secret.
Dealing with a cheating partner is tricky, no matter how it’s happening.
The pain and betrayal can stir-up many strong emotions, especially anger.
These feelings can cause people to act in ways that simply make things worse and lead to even more hurt, particularly if you’re mistaken about your suspicions.
There are things you can do, however, to help determine whether there may be something to worry about.
One thing to do to uncover text message cheating is to ask to look at your partner's phone and watch their reaction. Their behavior after your request will typically reveal more than anything you could ever find on their phone.
I was counseling a troubled couple recently and he had been suspected of cheating. When she asked to see his phone, he wouldn't give it to her, but after a long fight he held it up 3 feet away from her face and flipped through the screens. Then he locked it and walked away.
Suspicious behavior? You bet.
Was he hiding something? Yep.
There’re many excuses that can be given as to why the contents of a phone cannot be shared, but keep in mind that very, very few of us really have justifiable reasons why our partner cannot look through our phone. And if your partner says they do, be very skeptical.
And, unfortunately, texting isn’t the only way technology can be used to facilitate an affair. Facebook and Instagram also provide covert ways for partners to cheat. Once again, smart phones provide many convenient and stealthy means for someone to cheat.
If your partner is engaging in behaviors that make you uncomfortable or you feel like they’re cheating via text or any other means, it's essential to initiate a conversation to share your concerns.
Although cheating by text can be obvious at times, it’s also one of the easiest forms of cheating to hide.
If you suspect your partner of using texting to cheat, keep the following in mind:
Healthy relationships are built on transparency and trust. When you don't have that your relationship is going to be very susceptible to the development of text message cheating.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 14, 2015, updated on October 22, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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This just hit me & I need some help coping. My girl & I have dated since June 1, serious/monogamous ( or so I thought) since July when she asked me to be her boyfriend. She was 29 (30 now) and confided that she likes older men (I'm 50), So there's Daddy stuff too, but in a good way (kink, games etc). We broke up 5 weeks ago for a week (jealousy) but got back together & fell deeply in love again. Every week it gets better & she's nuts about me. We were both single before; she's a single mom/party girl & I'm a retired bachelor who's used to nitelife too. She has a very busy life with family & kids; I'm retired, independent & solo.
ISSUE: I just spent 4 nites with her to celebrate her 30th Bday: alone, with family & at a big concert. Hundreds of guys hit on her on FB & constantly text her, but she insists I'm her only man: "Daddy, I'm all yours". Monday, she got 150 Bday msgs on her Bday & kept checking FB all during our date. She got filthy drunk at the show, came home & passed out on my couch drunk. Her phone was blowing up, so I unlocked it (easy lock code) & checked her msgs. I've never done this before, even as a casual BF, so I'm in shock. Her Ex from 2014 texted plans & they met 3-4 weeks after I met her & she insisted he was old news. She lied about him, saying they'd "talked". He sees us together & texts her, even for her Bday. Then I saw cheating sexting she's doing NOW (Aug-Sept 6) with another guy, sending him porn GIFs, asking for his pix, telling him to play with her tits & "I like it rough". On our date nites (only 1-2x per week), she blows him off, saying "I'm on my period" when she's really with me all nite/wknd. They're still sexting. So I sent him a reply via her phone "Im drunk AF with my BF" to test my suspicions. He texted back immediately something like "Enjoy your Bday see U soon ;)". I was livid & had to go for a walk & take a pill to calm down. She was trashed & I carried her to bed, then later I subtly hinted around about guys & cheating, asking if it'd upset her if I was sext/cheating. "Of course," she replied. "That's cheating". I don't know what to do now.
This is strange territory for me. I don't cheat, and I respect my woman's privacy & her life. I don't snoop on a woman, read her private diary, or check her phone. I can't admit I snooped on her phone msgs – BF Error #1 – so all I can do is imply and suggest what I now know. Maybe she's text flirting/sexting, but it's pretty explicit – it's how she seduced me when we met in June. I'm in a committed monogamous relationship with her & she agrees, but says she is "kind of". When she dumped me in a drunken jealous fit 5 weeks ago she said she'd never see me again & made other plans, but cancelled. But I went out with a woman friend to a concert who wanted to cheer me up – not a date, no kissing, nada ( I spent the whole time crying). Last Friday my GF finally got me to admit I went out that nite ("just be honest with me, ok?"), which I think she'll use as an alibi to justify any cheating she does now, including with this sexting guy. She's fiery, temperamental Latina & insanely jealous (very paranoid) about my friends, random waitresses, strangers at a concert, etc... yet she's been flirting, sexting & seeing other guys since we met.
We've made a strong commitment to each other & we're deeply in love now. It's a very passionate, sexual, kinky/fun relationship we both enjoy. We both wanna make this work & stay together as lovers. I've had fulfilling, long-term relationships in the past & I want to share my skills & my love with her so she can truly know love. She's never had a successful relationship with a guy, never been true, "they always cheat", and she has childhood sexual abuse & Daddy issues too. As an older man I offer her love, intimacy, sanctuary & safety here in my home & in my heart. I feel terrible for snooping on her msgs, but now I know she's chest sexting on my. She told me she'd dump me if I ever did what she herself has been doing in secret since we met.
Tomorrow I see my MFT to ask about all this. I'm heartsick & my chest is pounding. I don't wanna lose my girl or violate her trust (she has major trust issues, as do I). Do I tell her I snooped? Accuse her? What do I do now??
Man that's a tough one but sounds like you have the love blinders on. Now you can't trust her and also she isn't being honest to you AT ALL. She's lying to you and cheating. Sounds to me like your a mature man and she doesn't sound like she is being very mature at all. In my onion you are too good for her. I've been with a narc for 10 years who has been accusing me of cheating and I just found out that he was the one cheating. I think that you will end up very very hurt if you don't back off some. It sound s like you already have real intense feelings for her but you know now she can't be trusted. There is no excuse for cheating . Period. Daddy issues child hood issues etc. still no excuse for cheating. I would think long and hard before continuing and staying in this "managamous" relationship that is only one sided. You can't expect this girl to change because they rarely do. And if she is a narcissist which you haven't really said then run for the hills! Life is too short but regardless you need to be very careful and I would talk to her if you just sweep in under the rug it's only going to fester inside you and you will start resenting her which will make things that much worse. But I would openly talk to her you sound like an honest man so communication is definately needed here. I'm so heart broken now I would not wish this pain on you or anyone. I ask myself where are all the mature honest men? Well she has one sounds like so losing you would be her loss but that would also be her doing as she is the one that chose to cheat. Hope that helps:)
My comment I just made was directed to Randy
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months or so, and I've just had the worst gut feeling that he's talking to other girls/classmates without my knowledge. We've shared our feelings about each other talking to "close friends" of the opposite sex, and both committed to limiting our social circle to same-sex friends and family members. Now, when we're together he keeps his phone in his pocket, when he used to leave it out face up earlier in the relationship. He seems glued to his phone when he gets a text message and completely blocks me out. This happens a lot when we're on dates, and sometimes I've gone upstairs for a second- I come back down and he's glued to his phone again. Also, he made a comment about how many girls liked his newest Facebook photo and laughed a little bit. THEN I look at "-Boyfriend's name- liked posts" And he liked one girl's graduation pics and another girl's post. Both of those girls liked that picture of him I believe. Does this all add up to cheating or am I just being insecure?
Your partner should be open on things.I believe trust should be verified in relationships.the only privacy should be when you go to restroom. If there is no trust then why be together.it's time for the 180rule.
Hello, I am just looking for some advice/info..
So my fiancé and I have been engaged for about 6 months and together for about 3 years already. We have a 6 month old daughter.
The other night I went through his phone. He is ALWAYS hiding it from me and acting like it’s attached to his hip. He says he doesn’t but he will freak out If I have his phone for more than 2 seconds, even when he’s right next to me with it.
Anyway, I saw that he was messaging other woman on Snapchat, most of them being his coworkers. I am a stay at home mom and he works over 40hrs a week. He had been messaging them for a while, calling them pet names, flirting, and almost like sexting them.
I confronted him and he was apologetic and said it would stop and that nothing happened between them. But I found a message between him and a ‘lady of the night’ asking for her services. He says nothing ever happened but I SAW the messages. He gave her our gate code to come in and to go out.
I have caught him before texting his ex wanting to see her again. He said that he was just trying to get his stuff back but always hid it from me. He even changed her name in his phone to one of his guy friends, who happens to call a lot. But I didn’t see any messages between them this time.
He says that he likes the satisfaction he gets from flirting but that I am more than enough for him. He says he would never do anything with anyone else. But I just don’t believe him. I want to but it’s hard when most of the women who he was talking to he met at work. He has always had a flirtatious attitude but never advanced it to constant communication with these women. I am leaving to go to school for two months and will have to stay the week at the university. How am I suppose to trust him then...?
Is it a real addiction, to have to continuously flirt with people other than your spouse? Can it be helped?
We have been very distant since I found out and honestly, I just don’t believe that nothing happened between them. I want to stay because I don’t want my daughter to grow up in a broken home but it’s difficult when this happens just about every 6 months.
Will things change....?
Hi
I know it’s been over a year. Was wondering how it is, and if you married the guy? I have been married over 29 years, and found out about a month ago my hubby was/maybe still is chatting with other people (Woman is too good a word). I am looking into counseling for myself, and I am going to insist hubby attend eventually because Why Go, and Why Stay In a Marriage/Relationship If we can’t have trust and respect? I am preparing myself for My future, it sucks bit Hope to see better days even If I am Alone 🙁