There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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It used to be if you wanted to have an affair it took some effort. You had to arrange secret calls and rendezvous and sneak around -- not anymore.
Today’s technology has provided easier and easier ways for partners to cheat on one another. And sadly, text message cheating has become a simple way to cheat without much work at all.
What makes it even more confusing is that sometimes cheating via text isn’t even intentional. Regardless of intention, text message cheating happens a lot and can wreak havoc on a relationship.
Not sure what I mean? See if this sounds familiar.
Someone gets your cell number (a coworker, someone from the gym, a person you met at a party) and starts sending you friendly texts. Before you know it you’re having full conversations by text, sometimes several times a day. And most problematic is that because it’s by text you can do so anytime, anywhere.
It's pretty common for cheating partners to be cheating by texting messages right in front of their unknowing partner.
I've had partners tell me that it happened when they were lying next to each other in bed, riding in the car together, and standing in the kitchen talking to each other. The phone beeps or buzzes and the partner responds to a text that is explained away as just a friend or coworker, but is really the other woman or other man.
Here’s an interesting example of text cheating:
We have had problems since December when I found out she was in a texting affair. We worked through that, but in February she developed a very close friendship with another woman. I started suspecting something was not right with this friendship so I confronted her and she became mad and defensive. Well it seemed ok until she started texting her like 100 times a day, then she started running into to her wherever she went. I think they were doing it on purpose, so I asked her and she became very angry again saying I was over analyzing it." -Rick
Here’s another case showing men and women are equally vulnerable:
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3.5 years and we are both thinking about getting married. I love him, I love spending time with him, and I really want to be married, but I'm also very worried that I can't trust him not to cheat. From the very beginning it has been difficult for him to stop being always on the lookout for someone to flirt with or date, even though we are together. He had an extremely inappropriate texting relationship with a girl he briefly dated in college, which went on for the first year and a half of our relationship." -Tonya
All cheating causes pain, but because text message cheating can literally happen while together with your partner it can be especially hurtful. It doesn’t take physical contact with someone else to cause deep wounds and break the trust that’s so crucial to a healthy relationship.
As you can see, texting can cross the line and become a problem with any kind of relationship. It may not be physical cheating, but emotional infidelity, which can involve forming deep emotional connections or romantic attachments with someone other than your partner, is equally as painful and damaging.
So, what are some signs of text message cheating?
Here are 3 signs:
Another sign is,
More egregious ways cheating via text occurs are:
The boundaries of what constitutes cheating can vary from one relationship to another. It's crucial to have open and honest communication with your partner about what’s considered acceptable and unacceptable behavior within your relationship.
Unfortunately, today's technology offers many ways to have a texting affair and keep it secret.
Dealing with a cheating partner is tricky, no matter how it’s happening.
The pain and betrayal can stir-up many strong emotions, especially anger.
These feelings can cause people to act in ways that simply make things worse and lead to even more hurt, particularly if you’re mistaken about your suspicions.
There are things you can do, however, to help determine whether there may be something to worry about.
One thing to do to uncover text message cheating is to ask to look at your partner's phone and watch their reaction. Their behavior after your request will typically reveal more than anything you could ever find on their phone.
I was counseling a troubled couple recently and he had been suspected of cheating. When she asked to see his phone, he wouldn't give it to her, but after a long fight he held it up 3 feet away from her face and flipped through the screens. Then he locked it and walked away.
Suspicious behavior? You bet.
Was he hiding something? Yep.
There’re many excuses that can be given as to why the contents of a phone cannot be shared, but keep in mind that very, very few of us really have justifiable reasons why our partner cannot look through our phone. And if your partner says they do, be very skeptical.
And, unfortunately, texting isn’t the only way technology can be used to facilitate an affair. Facebook and Instagram also provide covert ways for partners to cheat. Once again, smart phones provide many convenient and stealthy means for someone to cheat.
If your partner is engaging in behaviors that make you uncomfortable or you feel like they’re cheating via text or any other means, it's essential to initiate a conversation to share your concerns.
Although cheating by text can be obvious at times, it’s also one of the easiest forms of cheating to hide.
If you suspect your partner of using texting to cheat, keep the following in mind:
Healthy relationships are built on transparency and trust. When you don't have that your relationship is going to be very susceptible to the development of text message cheating.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 14, 2015, updated on October 22, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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I'm thinking of confronting my husbands coworker to tell her to stop texting my husband because it bothers me. He has a pet name for her now and she's prayed for him over texts. He recently switched jobs but they still text about 600 times per month. He's constantly telling her how amazing she is and what a good friend she is. I confronted him about it but he got angry and told me if I bring it up anymore I would be pushing him away.
Hi, I've been with my husband for 13years, married 10 and 4 beautiful kids. We have been going through a pretty rough patch for the last year. He works constantly on the family business and I'm just mum to the kids. His parents are still heavily involved so I feel outed by them all as there is no work for me although I'd love to. We had a particularly horrible Christmas & New Year, arguing a lot and my then my husband drinks heavily. He was so drunk a night he couldn't get into his phone so he told me the code, it was then I realised he had been texting a consultant that helps with our business and also a friend of mine. It's all just "banter" he said but why did he keep it secret? I noticed he had put a code on his phone but despite all our problems I trusted him. Now I feel that has gone. He said he knew I wouldn't like them so he kept is quiet! Why do it then? He deleted the app so I couldn't see all the msgs that had been sent, I hate not knowing what they said innocent or not. He has now told me they were together before we met, something he never said before and that on a few nights out she told him that she had never got over my husband. I now feel trapped as we have to deal with this woman all the time, my kids are friends with her and I used to have coffee with her every week. It makes me question why she was my friend and she is also married so if I go in accusing her it's a lot of heartache for all, plus, my in-laws who have to deal with her too. I avoid her completely so she must know. I feel like a child getting so caught up on some silly messages but I'm so hurt & confused. I didn't think I'd ever react like this, it's really damaged my confidence. I forgive and move on quite easily, but this is a new one for me and I'm struggling to move on which is not helping my rocky marriage. My husband wants to brush it under the carpet. What to do?
Sarah,
I am going through the same exact thing right now! I don't have the Years of marriage and 4 kids invested; but having 6 years invested with this girl, getting over an affair and trying to trust her again followed by the fact she's still in contact with this man! I have a lot invested in our relationship and I do love her but can't keep quiet on the amount of disrespect I feel finding this out! She has a passcode on her phone as well as i do not and have never shied away from being upfront and honest. It tears me apart she downplays the ongoing communication with this man. I just proposed to her, thinking it might change her outlook but here I am on the couch typing this to you. My head and heart have never been more separated
My girlfriend of 6 years and whom I recently proposed to cheated on me 3 years ago with someone she had known for quite some time. I forgave her, went to counseling about it and put my full trust back in her. Today at a party I see her sending a Snapchat to this guy who she told me earlier she had no communication with. I feel so disrespected and obviously when I confront her on it I get pegged for over analyzing the situation as "it's only Snapchat" it's the principle, why keep in touch with someone who caused so much trouble to our relationship? My anxiety is at an all time high, I have so much invested in this and hate to think it'll never change. I do so much to make us happy and can't get over this lack of a small courtesy. We all have a past but this is a wound that I've been trying to heal and I feel the scab keeps getting picked. At a complete crossroads as I'm sleeping on the couch typing this.
Hi John,
We teach people how to treat us by what we are willing to decide is acceptable or not.
From my viewpoint, it is completely unreasonable for your girlfriend to be contact with this person. It's up to you tell her what is crossing the line for you. If you have, and she still continues, that is a complete disrespect for you and the relationship. The "it's only Snapchat" excuse is bogus. Have you heard of gaslighting? If not, look it up. When we begin second guessing our gut--what we know to be true--it can often be because the other person is attempting to gaslight us.
I'm also at a crossroads with my boyfriend who I suspect is cheating for the second time. He tries convincing me that being in a contact with a female friend after midnight--even 4 AM--is not a big deal. It IS a big deal to me. I'm trying to detangle my feelings from what is real and what he wants me to believe. It's not easy.
It comes down what I think I'm worth and I am worth more than that. So are you.
Rebecca, Great advice: "It comes down what I think I'm worth and I am worth more than that. So are you." Thanks for sharing. -Dr. Kurt
Hi John, We teach people how to treat us by what we are willing to decide is acceptable or not. From my viewpoint, it is completely unreasonable for your girlfriend to be contact with this person. It's up to you tell her what is crossing the line for you. If you have, and she still continues, that is a complete disrespect for you and the relationship. The "it's only Snapchat" excuse is bogus. Have you heard of gaslighting? If not, look it up. When we begin second guessing our gut--what we know to be true--it can often be because the other person is attempting to gaslight us. I'm also at a crossroads with my boyfriend who I suspect is cheating for the second time. He tries convincing me that being in a contact with a female friend after midnight--even 4 AM--is not a big deal. It IS a big deal to me. I'm trying to detangle my feelings from what is real and what he wants me to believe. It's not easy. It comes down what I think I'm worth and I am worth more than that. So are you.
I can relate but in my situation my dude has two phones a couple of months ago I went through it because he just so happen to leave one of them home and I could it so o went through it and the reason why I wasn't able to sleep for a month straight and I felt my intuition speaking to me was because it came out to be true so now he keep them phones on him at all time or with a password on them a finger print password at that dam release he went all out for a password instead going all out and telling me the truth and not hiding stuff from me and every sense that day I have been having these feelings and vibes that's he still is doing it he tell me he loves me and in love with me and that he not cheating talking and texting other people but its all in his stride and the way he move and position his body when he is laying beside me on his phone supposedly checking emails paying bills or in a group text with co workers or surfing and buying things off of line so what am I to do I really do love him and want to be with him hoping that he would change but it doesn't seem like its working he just become more and more sneaky and secure with his phone